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Empty Nest Our Faith Our Relationship Parenting

Distractions at Plot 96A

Distractions, distractions, distractions! We have gone for three weeks without posting on our blog. We have been extremely busy and we have decided to share the lessons we have learnt whilst we were AWOL 😉 (Absent Without Official Leave)

If this is your first time here, we extend a very warm welcome to you. We suggest that you read our previous blog posts on this link Previous Blog Posts, to give you some background information and how we got to this point.

Background to the distractions…

As we mentioned in our Empty Nest blog post, we have just acquired an allotment – kamunda kedu! To be precise we got the allotment in November last year. For the benefit of those in the southern hemisphere, over here November is the time when winter will be setting in with those dreary dark days. Our allotment number is Plot 96A,  hence the title of this blog post.

We were excited to finally get an allotment and we started preparing slowly. The allotment we got had not been used for the past 6 years and therefore was very much overgrown. We had never seen so much nettle thistle in one place! The work appeared so daunting.

Trying to figure out how to tackle this

We will share with you a brief timeline and the lessons we have learnt so far on this new adventure. Jabu and I saw that this is one thing that both of us would enjoy doing – surprisingly we didn’t use to do this in Zim. The past two years we had started growing some vegetables in pots in our tiny back garden and we had enjoyed the fruit of our labour.

Clearing of the allotment

We started clearing the plot systematically. Spring appeared so far away, but we knew that there was a lot of work to be done. Our friend and gardening mentor was on hand to encourage us as the task looked so huge. On his advice, we planted some garlic and onions on the first bit of piece of land we cleared. We learnt that garlic and onions are not affected by the cold winters!

The first patch we cleared – Nov 2020

As they say a picture is worth a thousand words, we will share photos of our progress to date followed by Family Life Lessons we have learnt so far from the allotment

A simple timeline of photos follows

March 2021 Look at that face – strategising!
April 2021 Spreading manure
April 2021 – All cleared and covered – ready for spring
May 2021 – Planting the greens
May 2021 Passion for the work at the allotment
May 2021 We had to call for help from Guildford
May 2021 Pumpkins planted – the cover is to help with weed control
May 2021 All hands on deck
June 2021 Happy allotment worker
June 2021 – The “Inspector” from London gave a thumbs up
June 2021 – Harvest of garlic planted in Nov 2020
June 2021 What is a garden without the greens – mavheji!
June 2021 Tsunga – ready for the pot. Had it with dovi (peanut butter) -Yummy!
June 2021 – Courgettes to be ready for harvest in two weeks
June 2021 – Pototoes now flowering
June 2021 – Lettuce – ready for the table
May 2021 – Netting structure – look at that sledge hammer
May 2021 – Netting
June 2021 Needed second layer of netting

Family Life Lessons From Plot 96A

Lesson 1 : It takes hard work and commitment if you want to have a good harvest

Allotment is hard work from clearing the overgrown allotment, digging, putting manure, preparing the beds, sowing the seeds, transplanting, watering, weeding etc – it is hard work but so enjoyable and fulfilling. We have been consistent and committed in our efforts. After our first taste of the produce from the allotment so far (mustard greens – tsunga and rape), it has been worth it! And we look forward to some more produce.

Just last Sunday – we took a truck load of delivery in preparation for next season – and we had to shift it! Hard work continues… who needs to go to the gym after this?

Interview with Jabu! Didn’t realise he was being recorded- lol

The same applies with family life. We shared earlier that parenting is hard work but one of the most fulfilling roles in someone’s life. We feel that as a family, when every member puts in the hard work, the fruit will be worthwhile for all. Therefore, we encourage everyone to be committed to the happiness of your own family.

Lesson 2: Importance of Mentors in life

In life it is important to identify mentors who can help you on the journey. For our allotment we are blessed to have a friend who has had his allotment for over 20 years and was willing to help us. He advises, but leaves us to make our own decisions. Sometimes we struggle to do certain tasks – thankfully he is on hand to show us and then he watches us until we get the hang of it. Jabu and I have learnt so many gardening skills from our friend.

Tim and our Mentor – Bro Jeff

We think this is equally important in family settings. A quick reminder to our young friends. You are NOT the first one to be doing the things you are doing or facing the situations that you are facing. You will benefit immensely if you allow your parents to be your mentors. As you grow, look around for people you admire and get close to them. I bet they will be willing to help you on your journey. As you get in relationships, identify a mentor who can help you on this important phase of your own development. After marriage as a young couple, you may want to look for another mature couple who can help you. By the way, the mentors are not there to “run” your life but they are there to support you in case you need them. Over the years, the mentors would have picked up from their experience a lot of valuable lessons they would like to share with others.

Lesson 3: Laws of Agriculture

  • You reap what you sow

This sounds so obvious but you will be surprised by how many people miss this. The Bible says in Galatians 6:7 – Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.

At our allotment we have sown beans, potatoes, sweet corn, tomatoes, pumpkins etc. There is nowhere we expect to harvest something we have not planted. The same applies to life. If you want to harvest love, joy, care,.. in your family you should plant love, joy, care…. Every member of the family should be in the business of planting this. It is not just for the parents to sow this whilst the children are looking on.

  • You reap some time after you sow

Even in this  age of instant gratification, the allotment taught us that you don’t harvest immediately after sowing. We planted our garlic in December and we only harvested them last week. Some plants even take longer than that. So it is with our lives, be patient. Sometimes it may appear that your sowing is not producing any results – surely the fruits will come. As a young person those long days of studying and working hard may not seem to produce any results but please hang in there. It will surely come good. We have and continue to see it in our family.

  • You reap a lot more than you sow

This the joy of gardening! You sow one kernel of sweetcorn (chibage) and you harvest a cob (muguri). We haven’t harvested our sweetcorn yet, but we have already experienced this from our garlic – we planted one clove of garlic and we harvested a full garlic bulb.

The Bible also warns about planting the wrong stuff – Hosea 8:7 – they sow the wind and reap the whirlwind.

This also applies to the family life – if you want to get more of certain stuff, just invest in planting that same stuff and you will get a lot more than you have invested. What do you want in your family? Just deliberately plant that same thing you want to see.

Lesson 4: Determination/resilience

At our allotment up to date we have faced a number of challenges. One day after planting our potatoes nicely, we came the next day to see many of the potatoes thrown all over the plot. There were animal prints that followed the lines we had planted – we suspect that a fox my have come during the night. We replanted them and the same thing happened the following day. This was so discouraging. Then we decided to replant them and cover them up with our land cover until we see them sprouting. When we uncovered them, they were now safe and no problem from the animals.

The other time we planted some dwarf beans. After a couple of weeks, we noticed that only a few had germinated. We had to replant, and this time sowing a few more in each hole and at the time of writing, they had all germinated.

In life, sometimes things do not work out as expected. You may see surprises, but do not throw in the towel. Try to look for ways around the problem. Try to resolve the problem. Even with the best plan, sometimes in life things don’t go according to that plan. Try, try, try again, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again.

Lesson 5: Beware of the weeds

Our mentor said these profound words of advice – Be sure to stay on top of the weeds. As a gardener, you learn that you do not plant weeds but they grow up anyhow. If you are not vigilant, you will wake up one day to find out the whole allotment taken over by weeds. They will take all the water and nutrients meant for the plant. Therefore, what we do is every time we see a weed, we get rid of it.

What we have also done is to get rid of the pests. We used a netting to cover up the plants that can be eaten by birds or butterflies can lay their eggs (caterpillars).

The same applies with family life. As a parent, you may realise that there are some bad habits or language that a child has picked up from somewhere – TV, friends etc – it is important that these are nipped in the bud. If “weeds” are left to flourish, they will take a lot more effort later to get rid of. As parents we also encourage that you also protect your children from external influences, like how we used the netting at the allotment – if this not done you are at risk of losing all the hard work that you have put in to raising your children.

As a couple, another lesson we pick from the allotment is, what are the “weeds” that are taking the nutrients of the marriage? Could it be TV, external interests etc. It is important as a couple to quickly identify these weeds and get rid of them before they get out of hand.

Lesson 6: Understanding “perfection”

We are very happy with our sweetcorn and potatoes. Why are we happy when the sweetcorn does not have any cobs?  Because our sweetcorn is “perfect” for its stage of life/growth. The lesson that we learnt from this is that as a family you should allow each other room to reach full potential. As parents it is important you notice the potential of your children and help them realise their potential.

June 2021 – Sweetcorn – looking good

As a couple, allow each other time to grow and mature. Jabu and I always look back and laugh at some of the things that we used to do that showed a lot immaturity. Jabu always says to me in the hearing of our children – “Wim you are not the woman I married and neither am I the man you married. We have both changed so much through our life experiences together”. So true. Marriage is all about growth and it continues to be work in progress.

These are some of the lessons we have learnt so far from our allotment. I hope this explains why we had gone AWOL! In June we also hosted our children when they came up north for my birthday. What a great time we had – special! We had last seen them in July last year.

Next blog, we will be going back to our tour of Israel… More love at home!

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Our Faith Our Relationship

Speaking in Tongues on top of Mt Carmel

We would like to extend a warm welcome to you and we are glad that you are here.

If this is your first time here, we extend a very warm welcome to you. We suggest that you read our previous blog posts on this link Previous Blog Posts, to give you some background information and how we got to this point.

We continue with our Israel trip…

Something we found so special about our tour of Israel was that we were visiting some sites which were away from the well-trodden tourist sites. As we left the possible site of Naboth’s vineyard our coach drove downhill a little distance to a fountain at Jezreel, where King Saul and his army spent the night before the fateful battle with the Philistines. There were a couple of coaches with Jewish school children.

After a brief stop there and having an explanation of the significance of this fountain and pool, it was time to set off for Mt Carmel. As our coach drove a couple of hundred yards, it got caught up in a deep trough in the road and could neither go forward nor reverse. It took  more than half an hour to get us moving again.

We drove along Jezreel valley for some miles before starting the ascent to Mt Carmel. The views were breath taking as our coach weaved its way up. Since we had set off early that morning, we were one of the few groups that had arrived there by that time.

View of the Jezreel Valley on the ascent to Mt Carmel

For the benefit of those who may not be familiar with the importance of Mt Carmel, below is a quick synopsis. (Please read the whole story in 1 Kings 18:16-45)

There was a king of Israel named Ahab who was married to Jezebel. This couple was not obedient to God, and they started and promoted false worship. They worshipped and sacrificed to a god named Baal. God was not pleased with this and sent the prophet Elijah with a message, that because of this rebellion/apostacy, God would shut the heavens and there would be a drought for three and a half years. Fast forward, at the end of the three and a half years, Elijah sent a message to Ahab that they should meet on Mt Carmel and Ahab can bring the prophets of Baal and they can prove who was the true God.

Then Elijah stood in front of them and said, “How much longer will you waver, hobbling between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow him! But if Baal is God, then follow him!” But the people were completely silent.

1 Kings 18:21

The test was that both sides separately prepare an altar and lay a sacrifice, a bull. Each party would pray to their god and the true God will be the one that answers with fire and burn the sacrifice.

The conclusion was the prophets of Baal failed to have their sacrifice burnt and God of Elijah sent fire from Heaven and burnt the sacrifice.

We reflected on this story and event as we stood on Mt Carmel looking down into the Jezreel Valley. It felt so overwhelming and surreal as we shared this special moment. As we were getting ready to leave the viewing point, another group of black tourists arrived – they were dressed in a blue uniform and spoke a language that sounded familiar to Wim and me. From the uniform we soon gathered that they were coming from Malawi and were members of CCAP church (Church of Central Africa Presbyterian). Wim and I quickly approached them and introduced ourselves as their “neighbours” coming from Zimbabwe. What a joy we had – soon two gentlemen came forward and started speaking to us in Shona – and they were so fluent. Wow! We quickly gathered that they had lived in Zimbabwe for a number of years. After a photo shoot between our two groups, it was time for us to go as we had lost more than half an hour due to our coach being stuck. We could only say in Chichewa (Malawian language) “Zikomo kwambili” – Thank You very much.

Mt Carmel was a real mountain top experience as we reflected on what happened on this very mountain in the times of Elijah.

Lessons from Mt Carmel

There are several lessons that we can learn from the Mt Carmel experience; below are a few that we would like to share with you.

Lesson 1 Compliment each other

As a couple you should compliment and help each other when one of you is going astray. You should build each other up and encourage each other to be the best version of yourselves. Ahab and Jezebel were a couple that encouraged each other in pursuing a bad path.

Lesson 2 – Call to Decisiveness

Elijah’s question “how long should you waver between two opinions” is so important in our families and lives. Sometimes we are caught up in analysing a situation such that we suffer from what is commonly referred to as paralysis of analysis – you do not take any action due to over analysing. We encourage that after gathering all the necessary information, you should make that decision. You may not have all the information needed but with the best information you have, a decision is necessary. Wim and I feel that sometimes making a bad decision is better than not making a decision at all. That way we can build and learn from our “bad” decision and improve it or make a completely different one. In Shona there is a saying that goes “Hwerengera imbavha yenguva” (Procrastination is the theif of time).

Lesson 3 – A Question of Faith

As we shared in the ingredients of a happy family blog post, Wim and I believe that this is one area where you need to discuss as a couple and family. Better still, this discussion is to be had when people are still courting. Elijah’s challenge was “If the Lord is God, follow him! But if Baal is God, then follow him.” It should be clear whom you will worship in your home.

As we left Mt Carmel, our group was so overjoyed and uplifted by the experience that we started singing a chorus “We are marching over to Jerusalem”. Other tourists who were arriving at Mt Carmel looked on and joined in our joy as we danced to our coach.

“We are marching over to Jerusalem”

From Mt Carmel we drove southwest towards to the Mediterranean Sea to a place called Caesarea Maritima, where as per the record in the Book of Acts, Cornelius the centurion was baptized by Peter and we were also to visit the prison where Paul had been kept before he was sent to Rome for trial.

Time was tight as we had lost that more than 30 mins when our coach was stuck. As we arrived in the parking lot of this place, it soon became apparent that things were not in order: The entrance had been closed as it required about two hours to complete the tour of the facility – we were late. We didn’t allow our spirits to be dampened as we had such a fulfilling second day starting at Cana of Galilee.

Since the sun was about to set, our group leader suggested that we have worship on the beach as the sun set. We stood in the warm waters of the Mediterranean as one lady minister who was also part of our group shared the word of God in worship. We were singing heartily as we witnessed the beautiful sunset on the Mediterranean.

As we made our way back to our coach, we noticed a newly married couple who had come for a photo shoot with the beautiful sunset backdrop. After seeing and hearing us sing, they requested if we could sing for them! We were not a choir per se, but just a group of Christians being blessed by their visit to the Holy Land so far. We quickly looked for a song that we all knew by heart – you guessed it “We are marching over to Jerusalem” that we had sung a couple of hours before as we left Mt Carmel! (As a two day old “choir of strangers” we did our best!)

Singing for the newly wedded couple

We sang our hearts out as we joined this young couple on their special day.

This trip was getting better by the day – it was getting even more special. That was our last activity for the second day and now we had to make our way to our new base further south in Bethlehem in the West Bank. Yes, you read right – in the West Bank. As our coach approached the security check point, there was a long queue of tourist coaches entering the West Bank. As we checked in to our beautiful and comfortable hotel, it became apparent that most tourists do stay in the West Bank. As we went down for our dinner, we met other groups from South America and the USA.

After dinner as we settled and reflected on the experiences thus far, we thanked God for the opportunity that had been granted to us.

Our alarm sounded to announce the arrival of a new day – the schedule Day 3 had a trip to the Jordan river, city of Jericho, Bethany (Lazarus tomb) and Bethlehem. Please subscribe and share

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Our Faith Our Relationship

Renewing Marriage Vows at Cana of Galilee

Welcome back – we are glad you have managed to take time to read our blog.

If this is your first time here, we extend a very warm welcome to you. We suggest that you read our previous blog posts on this link Previous Blog Posts, to give you some background information and how we got to this point.

Yes, you read the title correctly, Renewing Marriage Vows at Cana of Galilee!

As a family tradition amongst our family in the UK, when someone has a big birthday, family members contribute some money towards something special that the one celebrating the birthday would like to do. For mine, I decided to take my family to visit Norway where I had spent 10 months in the late nineties.

For Wim’s recent big birthday, she chose a trip to the Holy Land, Israel! Thanks to our family and friends in the UK, they made a substantial contribution to this trip. We had talked about visiting Israel some time in the future but Wim’s choice to do that for her big birthday pleasantly surprised me. Of course, she was not going alone. We quickly looked for the best way to tour this country.

When we were at camp meeting, we saw an advert in the camp meeting programme of an upcoming tour of Israel. We made contact with the organizer, who was a minister in South England.

Personally, I was skeptical of going to Israel – “who needs a pilgrimage? Everything is now so commercialized. There is nothing new I can learn from visiting this place? Cost is too expensive…” I thought. How wrong I was!

As the date of our departure approached, the excitement levels started going up. The tour organizer sent loads of information with what to bring and what the tour programme would be like.

We flew into Tel-a-Viv and we met other members of our tour party – a group that we would spend the following eight days with. We got onto our coach for a two plus hour drive to our hotel at Tiberias by the Sea of Galilee. After refreshing we went for dinner in the hotel dining room. What a spread that was – we are even talking about that food up to now!

After an early breakfast, we were the first party to arrive at Magdala – just a few miles from our hotel. Yes, that Magdala where the woman with the issue of blood for 12 years was healed – the touch of faith. “If only I would touch the hem of His garment”.

At Magdala

That day, just like all the after that, was full of activities. We visited Capernaum – the Town of Jesus; Bethsaida – where Jesus healed the demoniac; the place where tradition said Jesus preached the sermon on the mount; the place where Jesus fed the five thousand.

View of Sea of Galilee from the Sermon on the Mount

The highlight of the first day was a boat ride on the Sea of Galilee. We had a blessed time as we sang and laughed as we looked for the place “where Peter sank”. At each of the places of interest our well-informed tour guide would give us the history of the place. Then our organizer, the minister, would open the Bible to the relevant texts that relate to that place. That made the Bible come alive!

Could not believe that this was just the first day of our tour of Israel.

As we retired after another long day and enjoying another delicious meal, we felt so blessed to be here.

The Holy Land was teeming with tourists – and we understood from our guide that this was not even high season. Our group strategy was to start out very early and be the first ones at the place we visit first. This strategy worked so that the next morning, we were amongst the first tourists to get to Cana of Galilee.

The next day there was a wedding celebration in the village of Cana in Galilee. Jesus’ mother was there, and Jesus and his disciples were also invited to the celebration.

John 2:1-2

We encourage you to read the whole story in John 2:1-12 where Jesus turned water into wine.

A little bit of Shona – welcoming you to Cana of Galilee

After the quick tour of the church at Cana, Wim and I found a spot outside where we renewed our vows impromptu – those vows that we had exchanged in 1990! Crowds were starting to build. Even before I finished my vows Wim stopped me and she started her own vows after noticing that our recording will soon be swallowed by the guests.

Object Lessons from the Wedding at Cana

We have read and even preached on the story of the wedding at Cana for a long time but this day it took a new meaning. We will share some of the lessons we have found, for our marriage.

Lesson 1: Be careful whom you invite into your marriage.

The couple at Cana invited Jesus to their wedding. Sometimes, people we invite into our relationships cause more harm than good. The couple was not even aware of what was happening behind the scenes, but because they had invited wisely, their problems were solved even before they surfaced. We urge you to invite God/Jesus into your relationship.

Lesson 2 At times the wine may run out.

Things that can sweeten a relationship can run out – affection, love, laughs, money etc. As per the Marital Satisfaction chart we shared in the last blog post, things can go up and things can go down. But please do not throw in the towel. God can help you fix this problem. Hang in there.

Lesson 3: Things will get better

The wine at the end was better than the one at the beginning. The lesson we get from here is that better days are ahead of us in our relationship. We encourage you to do your best and commit to make tomorrow better than today. A little kindness, forgiveness. Be nice to your spouse and family.

By the time we finished our tour at Cana, the place had hundreds of tourists. There were a number of planned marriage vow ceremonies with the brides dressed in proper wedding gowns – what a sight. Before we left Cana, of course we had to buy some wine at the souvenier shop just outside the church – for the record non-alcoholic wine🤣.

We continued our tour to Nazareth, the home town of Jesus and the drove up the precipice where the Bible records that the crowds wanted to throw Jesus off.

After visiting the possible location of Naboth’s vineyard, it was time to go up Mt Carmel. There on top of Mt Carmel Wim and I spoke Shona with other tourists we met there. They were not Zimbabweans. Details in the next blog 😉. Please subscribe and share.

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Empty Nest Our Relationship Parenting

Empty Nest

We are glad to be back after a couple of weeks hiatus. We come back refreshed. We hope you managed to find time to discuss your take on the Ingredients of a Happy Family, as per activity in our last blog post.

If this is your first time here, we extend a very warm welcome to you. We suggest that you read our previous blog posts on this link Previous Blog Posts, to give you some background information and how we got to this point.

Today we want to share our experiences as empty nesters. We think that in Zimbabwe due to the extended families etc, empty nests are quite rare. For the avoidance of doubt, by definition, an empty nest is when the children have all grown and left home and only parent(s) remain at home.

Yes, we are and we have been empty nesters for quite some time now. It has been a journey and in the process we have picked a number of lessons we will be sharing with you.

As children leave the home, parents are affected one way or another. Parents may react differently to this life changing moment. As we were preparing this blog, we asked each other how our empty nest impacted us and we affirmed that Jabu and I are affected almost the same way. If, as parents, you feel the effects differently, that is all normal and you will be able to support each other in this phase of your lives.

We mentioned in an earlier blog post that when we dropped Tim off at uni for the first time, we knew that our family life as we knew it then was going to change forever – we saw it coming. It is surprising that as parents sometimes we are taken by surprise by things that are inevitable. Our advice to fellow parents is – your nest is going to be empty at one time and you better prepare before your beloved birds fly the nest. The experience can be painful but there are some things as parents we can put in place to help us manage and adjust.

We also mentioned in an earlier blog that coming to the UK was the first time our family stayed as the four of us without any extended members of family. We built a strong relationship with each of our children as we spent more time together.

As our children left home, we had mixed feelings and emotions. One was that our children had now grown up to be able to live on their own; but on the other hand, were nervous and anxious how they will manage on their own. On one hand you are happy for raising a young adult, but there is also of tinge of deep sadness to see them leave. It was time for us to watch as we witness whether all those lessons taught had been learnt.

For us our nest did not empty all at once – Tim finished uni before Nomsa finished college. Then it happened in quick succession – Tim moved to London and after a few months Nomsa started uni. When we dropped Nomsa off at the University of Brighton for the first time, I could not hold my tears back. I was leaving my little girl on her own for the first time in my life. Jabu appeared strong but I know that deep down he was also sad.

This was the first time Jabu and I would be going back to an empty nest. After dropping Tim off in London on our way back, the five-hour drive back home on that day was not easy. After all those years I had spent with Nomsa doing the school runs and supporting her, it was sad to see her leave the house for the last time – very sad.

Thankfully we had discussed about this moment so many times and we appreciated it’s inevitability. From our own experiences and wider reading we have come up with some tips that have helped us manage and cope with our empty nest.

Tip 1 – Be aware that an Empty Nest is coming.

Don’t be taken by surprise. We encourage you not to make children the center of your relationship or communication – yes, they are key members of the family but they will soon fly the nest to start their own lives and families. You have to deliberately nurture your own relationship – invest time and effort into it; it is a worthwhile investment.

Tip 2 – Talk about it

Yes, talk about it with your spouse before it happens; read other people’s experiences. Freely discuss your anxieties and fears. If you are a single parent, talk with a trusted friend.  

Jabu and I freely shared our thoughts and feelings as Tim’s departure from home approached. As Nomsa left home, we were also careful not to put both of them under pressure of helping us deal with our anticipated loneliness and sadness.

Tip 3: Get Busy and Keep Busy

As the time of flying the nest approaches, look for something to keep you busy – those things that you always wanted to do but never got that time and opportunity to do.

Fortunately for me, as soon as Nomsa finished high school I embarked on studies of my own, which was a good distraction. As I was also working part-time and studying, I hardly had free time where my thoughts would wander. We also thank God we are in the UK where there are plenty of things to do at whatever age.

Jabu had always tried something new, outside his comfort zone. Some years ago, he trained as a Christian radio presenter. He only stopped presenting when the travel cost to the radio station became unsustainable.

He has also tried playing the piano – success was limited, possibly due to lack of consistency of practice. 😉

Tip 4 – Do things together

Identify things that both of you can do together and even try something new.

Jabu and I have always tried to do some things together. We try to shop together, walk together, cook together, eat together (even when I come back from a shift late at night, Jabu will be waiting), travel together (we had a recent amazing, faith-affirming trip to the Holy Land/Israel just before the pandemic hit – look out for a blog on this!)

Lately we have zeroed in on something we are both doing and enjoying: We now have an allotment!  (Tave neka munda kedu). Our lives are not boring at all – one day we are at the allotment and the next we are having a weekly Bible Study with some good friends on Zoom.

Since last September, we have also started this blog which you now are reading. You will be surprised to find out how much our own marriage and family life is benefiting from retelling our story.

Tip 5 – Reignite that Romance

There is a sweet Shona saying that says “Rudo imoto unotopfutidzirwa” (Love is like a fire that needs fanning). Continue to take care of your “love plant”. Don’t forget that there were just two of you when you started the family. With the advent of children, some attention would have gone away from each other and shared with the children. Now you have the whole house to yourself, reignite that romance. Rewind and look at things you used to enjoy doing before the children were born.

Many studies have been carried out trying to gauge the level of marital satisfaction at each of marriage’s key moments. See the chart below from Dan Gilbert’s book, Stumbling on Happiness.

Dan Gilbert : Stumbling on Happiness

The most important graph – is not Study 1, 2, 3 or 4 but YOUR graph. Take a moment to sit down and draw your own graph. As you can see it covers every phase of the married life. As you prepare for the next phase is your lives, see what best you can do to increase your marital satisfaction

We hope you can glean something from the tips above. Thank you for reading! Until next time, God bless you and your family.

Categories
Our Faith Our Relationship Parenting

Ingredients of a Happy Family Part 3

Welcome back. We are now on the third and final part of the eight Ingredients of a Happy Family. So far, we have covered:

  1. Commitment (putting family first)
  2. Effective Communication (active listening is a skill that we all need)
  3. Love (by now you know the love language for each family member)
  4. Appreciation (not taking each other for granted)
  5. Respect (every member of the family needs respect)
  6. Forgiveness (the one granting forgiveness benefits more)

If this is your first time here, we extend a very warm welcome to you. We suggest that you read our previous blog posts on this link Previous Blog Posts, to give you some background information and how we got to this point.

Now we go for the final two ingredients as per our experience. Please read until the end as there is an activity for you and your family.

Belief & Value System

As mentioned in an earlier blog, Wim and I met at a Bible Conference. Faith in God has been the foundation that we built on. This has helped shape our value system. It helped us set boundaries to our relationship from the beginning and as it grew.

We believe that as young people court with the intention to marry, the question of faith should be seriously discussed. Be sober as you discuss it. When two young hearts are madly in love with each other, they may feel that this is not an important subject, but from our experience, it is key. If you are from different faiths or have different value systems, consider how your children (if you are planning to have some) will be raised.

On the religious front, raising children in Zimbabwe was a lot easier as our children’s friends and peers also went to church. The Pathfinders group (a club similar to Scouts) was the place where the children would socialize and learn new life skills. On reflection we greatly appreciate all those teachers and instructors who taught our children during those formative years.

As we explained earlier, we were nervous about how relocating to the UK would impact the spiritual development of our children. As we surveyed the new environment, we indeed realized that we faced a formidable task. Wim and I continued to live our Christian values at home and outside and thereby set examples for our children. We have always tried to teach and train our children and Wim led in that so well. She was and continues to be a great mother to Tim and Nomsa.

In the UK, we would go for Wednesday prayer meeting together with our children. After many months, Tim and Nomsa asked the question “Dad why are we the only children coming to the Wednesday Prayer meeting?” (Back in Zimbabwe, there will be a lot more young than old people at the mid-week prayers). Wim and I reflected on this deep question.

We discovered that indeed the prayer meeting was not meeting the needs of our young children and they felt that they did not belong. We tried to reach out to other parents with similar age children; we discovered that for some families, due to mid-week commitments, Wednesday was not a good day for them and their children. We, as a group of parents, then came up with a Friday evening meeting for the young people. The topics to be discussed were young people focused. Tim and Nomsa stopped going for Wednesday Prayer meetings and attended the Friday evening meetings instead.

As the young children grew through their teenage years, they faced challenges of their own. Our prayer has always been that we help them develop their own faith rather than rely on mine and/or Wim’s – we found it not to be easy. When Nomsa indicated that she wanted to be baptized, I volunteered to teach the baptismal class.

We always welcomed any questions on faith and also made them free to voice any doubts and/or concerns they had with faith. I remember at one time on a one to one with Tim, he mentioned “Dad, you always talk about God and how He has worked in your life. I don’t seem to see or feel the same. I also need a testimony (story on how God has led me)” Wow! What a remark. I agreed – he needed his own testimony. I find the quotation below so true on the challenges the young people face.

Many, especially those who are young in the Christian life, are at times troubled with the suggestions of skepticism. There are in the Bible many things which they cannot explain, or even understand, and Satan employs these to shake their faith in the Scriptures as a revelation from God. They ask, “How shall I know the right way? If the Bible is indeed the word of God, how can I be freed from these doubts and perplexities?”

God never asks us to believe, without giving sufficient evidence upon which to base our faith. His existence, His character, the truthfulness of His word, are all established by testimony that appeals to our reason; and this testimony is abundant. Yet God has never removed the possibility of doubt. Our faith must rest upon evidence, not demonstration. Those who wish to doubt will have opportunity; while those who really desire to know the truth will find plenty of evidence on which to rest their faith. Steps to Christ

We agreed a plan of how we can support him to realise this. God did not disappoint. As shared in a previous blog we have seen how God’s Hand has since led both Tim and Nomsa in their lives.

As we approach any key decision in all our lives, we pray and fast as a family seeking God’s guidance. As soon as the prayer has been answered we quickly highlight to each other how God has answered that specific prayer – and we offer thanksgiving prayer. As a result we, as a family, have been making note of all answered prayers. When the children come to visit or we go down to visit them, we ALWAYS reflect on how the Lord has been answering our prayers. In the process we will be counting our blessings.

A family that prays together, stays together

As shared earlier in these “series”, as family members we may all be at different stages on our spiritual journey, we should support and encourage each other on this journey as long as we are moving in the same direction.

There may be some people who are reading this who do not believe in God or belong to any religion. We would encourage you to look at your own value system and see how best that system can help you achieve happiness in your home.

Play Together

We believe that Play is the glue that sticks the family together. Family life should be fun. A home should be a place where people laugh. When I met Jabu for the first time on our way to Nyazura, he appeared to be a very quiet and reserved person. It didn’t take long for me to realise that he was so much fun and had a great sense of humour. I just enjoyed his company.

We encourage young people as they date and court, to deliberately schedule time for fun.

Home life can be dreary at times – chores, work, homework and more chores. In our family we deliberately created time for fun – and it didn’t have to cost anything. We work with what we had. Children enjoy it when parents join in their games – their ball games, skipping rope etc. We participated in “chimuhwande hwande” (aka hide and seek). I remember Jabu used to provide entertainment at our children’s birthdays with his special dance. We also travelled with our fun – one day we are playing “chigubhu perere” in Nzwazi (Gwanda), the next time we are playing ball in Nyanga.

Jabu – showing off his moves for the children (out of the picture)

It is important that you do things that you all enjoy. As children grow the games change – the children may take turns to decide what type of games or activities the family is involved in. In our family we have settled for Nomsa as the official activity planner – she is so good at it.

As the children have grown we have realised that we have to make the best of our birthdays and holidays – they come over for our birthdays and we go down to them for theirs. Recently on Jabu’s birthday we visited the Malham Cove (what a beautiful and breathtaking walk we enjoyed) and a few weeks later we were boat riding on the Thames in London for Nomsa’s birthday.

From playing dunhu/chuti (dodgeball) on the green by the Lake Windermere to racing on the beach at Lytham-St Annes. We encourage that families make time and do something together. It is mainly during play time that memories are built and everyone will treasure for a long time. We are blessed that in Preston we live near so many beautiful places where we can have fun. Most of these visits do not cost much – just fuel and of course ice creams!

One other advantage of playing together is that your family will become healthy.

You will be surprised at how much laughing takes place in our home – when the four of us are in the house and we are on song, I think even our neigbours may be surprised on what is happening. Home should be a place where family members can put down their guard and be themselves. Jabu is not a “church elder” at home. He is a hubby and a daddy and an entertainer. It helps if family members have a sense of humour.

ACTIVITY

Now that we have covered our 8 Ingredients of a Happy Family, we know there are some ingredients that you may have in your family that we have not included in our list. Can you please share with us which ones constitute YOUR eight ingredients, that are missing from our list? We would love to hear from you.

As we close this 3 part series, we want to highlight that we believe that every home can be a happy home. The members of the family (parent(s) and children) are responsible for doing their best to make their home a happy home. We believe that even if things have gone pear-shaped (wrong), things are redeemable – ALL families can get better – can be happier.

Until next time “Bye”

Categories
Our Culture Our Faith Our Relationship Parenting

Ingredients of a Happy Family Part 2

It is nice to see you back here.

If this is your first time here, we extend a very warm welcome to you. We suggest that you read our previous blog posts on this link Previous Blog Posts, to give you some background information and how we got to this point.

Last week we looked at the first three of the eight Ingredients of a Happy Family namely Commitment, Effective Communication and Love . A quick recap: –

  1. Commitment – putting family first. Every family member (including children) is responsible for the happiness of the family. There are no free riders.
  2. Effective Communication – a quotation from the Bible “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” would help all of us.
  3. Love – We hope you found time (if you had not already done so), to complete the 5 Love Languages quiz and that you now know the Love Languages of each member of your family.

Now we continue with the next three of the eight ingredients as per our own experience.

Appreciation

It is so easy to take each other for granted, especially after you have spent a long time together. We believe Appreciation is one of the key ingredients of a happy family. We found that it is particularly important to notice and acknowledge each family member’s role and contribuition in our family and show appreciation for them.

Right from the beginning, Jabu would take time to appreciate me and things that I did. You remember the denim bag with some goodies that I would take on our picnics during our courtship; he would show appreciation, and this gave me more drive to bring something new and delicious next time.

He also showed his appreciation of how I did my hair and how I dressed – at first, I was embarrassed but I got used it and he has continued to this day. Jabu appreciates the meals I prepare. He notices the small things. He appreciates how I mother Tim and Nomsa.

In turn, I show appreciation to him for many things. One that I appreciate is how he somehow never panics about situations – he always behaves level headed even in a heated or hostile environment. He tries to remove emotions from his assessments.

I also apprecaite how he is supportive of me and the children. Once each of us has decided on what path to follow, Jabu then takes the position of encouraging, advising, supporting to ensure that we all realise our potential. I do appreciate his wisdom in the challenges we face now and again.

Since recovering from Covid-19, Jabu noticed that I was nervous about going to work. From that time until now, he always sends me a audio of a song that he sings or a verse that he reads to encourage me. I greatly appreciate that.

We always verbalise our appreciation of each other. By the time Tim and Nomsa grew up and became aware of things , they found that “Thank you”, “Please” and “I’m sorry” were already part of the home vocabulary.

In Shona there is a saying that says “Kutenda kwakitsi kuri mumoyo.” (A cat shows its gratitude in the heart only) – we always try to go against this saying. As a result of regular appreciation that we all freely give and receive, we always try to please each family member through acts of kindness and small surprises, knowing that they will notice and appreciate it.

To our young friends out there, we urge you to show appreciation to your parents – the food you eat did not just miraculously end up on your plate – someone earned the money and then prepared that meal. Spend some time in the kitchen to appreciate how much effort preparing a meal takes and, in the process, you will learn some invaluable life skills of cooking.

From a Zimbabwean background, we show our appreciation to our own parents by joining our siblings in taking care of our parents, as there is no government welfare system to provide for them in their later years. Both Jabu and I are beneficiaries of sibling support through education – we also show both verbal and practical appreciation to our siblings for what they did for us.

Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

1 Timothy 5:8

As an activity we suggest that you show appreciation for your family member – spouse, child, parent, sibling. Be specific as you show your appreciation.

Respect

Another key ingredient for a happy family, is Respect for each member of the family. Even before we got married, we respected each other – when we set those boundaries during our courtship it showed that we respected each other and each other’s bodies.

At our wedding the marrying minister said “Jabulani and Vimbai you are forming a kingdom, where Jabulani will be king and Vimbai will be queen and God will be above you both”. This is what we have implemented in our home. When the “prince” and then the “princess” later joined our kingdom, the respect had been entrenched. Every member of the family is important and should be respected. (Parents, you should also respect your children)

Family should be the place of building up and not tearing each other down. As a family, we do not encourage competition amongst our children but cooperation. By so doing they will realise the synergy that comes from working together. Another saying comes to mind: –

If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together

Jabu, at home and in public, goes about showing how much he loves and is kind to me and the children. This makes me feel very respected. The way he respects me at home and in public sets the standard at how everyone respects me. I believe that you should not expect family and friends to respect you more, if your own spouse does not show you respect.

We always make family decisions after consulting each other and as the children grew into teenage years onwards, we started to involve them as well. By so doing it reinforces that everyone’s opinion is important and desired before the family comes to a decision.

In a conversation some time ago, Jabu made this profound statement “One thing that a man does not want, is to be compared with other men – this is a sign of disrespect”. I know when we as ladies are tempted to use comparison we will be trying to encourage and motivate our men. But be careful, it may backfire.

Forgiveness

We believe that marriage is a union of two imperfect people who make mistakes – loads of mistakes. Therefore, Forgiveness in one key ingredient to ensure we have a happy family.

We have noticed that someone can easily extend forgiveness to someone distant from them or even to stranger, but it feels a lot harder to forgive someone close. We all feel hurt more when we are hurt by someone close because we feel they should know better.

The old adage says “To err is human, but to forgive is divine” and how true this is.

Jabu and I have tried to model in our family that we ALL make mistakes and after realizing that we have wronged someone, we should quickly apologise. We have also encouraged that when one feels slighted and hurt, they should quickly highlight it. This does not always happen but you can quickly notice when one had just suddenly withdrawn into their shell. We try to sensitively probe to find out what the issue is. Most of the times it will be a simple misunderstanding. If the wrong has not been disclosed to the alleged perpetrator, they may be oblivious to the whole matter and may continue behaving as usual.

We encourage forgiveness in the family. However, sometimes the hurt from the issue may be so deep that counselling will be a path to follow to help resolve the issue. In the UK most will have access to professional counsellors. In Zimbabwe there is also an added extended family network and church ministers who are on hand to help. We have heard instances elsewhere where people have not forgiven someone for decades. We believe that issues should be resolved as soon as possible to ensure happiness in the home.

A common question that we have come across in our reading and at numerous marriage enrichment seminars was “Who benefits from forgiveness?” Resoundingly, the one granting the forgiveness has been found to be a beneficiary – this is so counterintuitive. By forgiving someone, you are not letting them off the hook. We have also found that forgiveness is a process and not an event; forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation; forgiveness does not mean forgetting.

We hope you are intrigued now to find out more about forgiveness. We encourage you to go ahead and do your own research on forgiveness. There are a lot of relationship books that cover this impotant topic and of course Google.

The Bible is full of stories where forgiveness was extended. The story of how Joseph forgave his own brothers stands out for us. Remember that he suffered so much at the hands of his brothers – abused, abandoned and sold to strangers. Some of you may not be familiar with this story, please google Genesis chapter 37 and follow the story.

As the story comes to an end, listen to how Joseph reassures his brothers who were not sure how genuine his forgiveness was.

But Joseph replied, “Don’t be afraid of me. Am I God, that I can punish you?  You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.  No, don’t be afraid. I will continue to take care of you and your children.” So he reassured them by speaking kindly to them.

Genesis 50:19-21

Joseph looked at the big pitcure. We pray that you will reflect on this story and extend that forgiveness to someone. Surviving Covid-19 has reminded us that today is the only day I am assured of and is the only day I can decide to take that action of forgiving someone. Life is just too short to continue holding to that unforgiveness.

That’s it for this week. We are now left with two final ingredients to a happy family and we will cover these next week. Jabu and I strongly believe that ALL families can become happier than they currently are. It takes commitment and effort from EVERY member of the family. Reading our story is good and we appreciate that, but what is most important is what you are going to put in place to make YOUR own family a happier family. Please share and subscribe.

See you next week.

Categories
Family Finances Our Relationship Parenting

Ingredients of a Happy Family Part 1

Welcome back. Thank you very much for joining us on this journey and we greatly appreciate all your feedback. We hope the two previous blog posts on Money Matters have initiated discussions or introspection on your own attitude towards money and how you can best manage your money together.

If you happen to be struggling financially, we have decided to sign post you to UK charities which will help you deal with various money related challenges. (All these are free – you do not pay anything for the help and support you get).

www.stepchange.org

www.citizensadvise.org.uk

www.moneysavingexpert.com (not a charity but has loads of free helpful information)

From our experience and research in the UK, there is no debt problem that can not be resolved. It may be painful and can take a long, but it is doable. Even in Zimbabwe, if you run into serious debt, talk to someone you trust to help you resolve it.

If this is your first time on our blog, we suggest that you visit our previous blog posts on this link Previous Blog Posts

We continue …

Indeed, we do live in an instant world – everyone wants things to work out quickly. One question that we have come across is people genuinely asking what makes a happy family.

Recently we came across this quotation in a little book we were reading:

“Getting married is easy. Staying married is more difficult. Staying happily married for a lifetime would be considered among the fine arts.”

Hope for Today’s Families

We strongly believe that ALL families can be happier than they are at this moment. Over the years, we have learnt that, when it comes to family happiness, it takes some work, be intentional and you need some basic ingredients.

We will share with you what we have found to be some of the most important ingredients. Just like in preparing a meal, ingredients are key. These, in our view and experience, are the ingredients that we have found to be key to our family happiness. We encourage you as you read through ours, that you reflect on your own ingredients. We have identified 8 ingredients and here are the first 3 – in no particular order.

Commitment

Commitment started with Wim and me from the word go – determining that this marriage and family has to work, and we have to be happy. We appreciated that it would take deliberate effort, and we resolved to put in the graft to move in this direction. As mentioned in an earlier blog post, we are not there yet, and we are determined to continually improve our family relationship.

We believe that EVERY member of the family should be committed to make the family a happy place. Children should be taught and advised that they are not free riders and should contribute to the happiness of the family.

Commitment is about putting family first – everyone taking time to consider how their decisions will affect the other members of the family. They are concerned about one another’s welfare and happiness and seek to structure their lifestyle in ways that promote unity and harmony in the home. Healthy families are ones where everyone looks out for ways to serve others. We have mentioned how Wim has put her life on hold to ensure that the children get a good start in life.

One incident, that we have laughed at later but was not funny at the time, to show that one’s decision may affect the whole family. Whilst at college, Tim agreed to go to a New Year’s Eve party with some of his friends. When he broke the news, Wim and I were not too sure and we asked why he wanted to go. Reluctantly we allowed and asked what time he was expecting to come back home. (We thank God that even while at college, Tim would discuss these things with us other than disappear and go out)

We encouraged him to get a taxi as the event was due to end extremely late. Then it snowed that night. Wim and I were worried – we couldn’t sleep. The time of expected return came and went – no Tim. After waiting for over half an hour, we decided to call him. He answered immediately and explained that  there were no taxis due to the snow and he had decided to walk home. I got dressed, drove and met him on the way and brought him home. I think Tim appreciated how much this inconvenienced us. From there on, he became more responsible and would be the one communicating if he is delayed. May we mention this to our young friends – when you go out, your parents do not sleep until they hear the clink of the door as you come back in – even when they have an early morning shift the next day. Please be considerate.

One thing that shows where your commitment is, is where you spend most of your time and effort. Recently, we were reading Stephen Covey’s book – 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. In it, Covey describes Habit 3 as Putting first things first. Under this Habit, he explains the Time Management Matrix with four Quadrants as shown below. We need to invest our time wisely if we are to have a successful relationship.

Quadrant II that refers to things that are Important but not Urgent. In this quadrant things are likely to be ignored as they are not urgent. However, when you put in the time and effort now, you will surely reap the benefits later. This covers things like planning, building relationships, prevention etc.

For example, when I go to walk 3-5km around Moor Park, even in the rain and wind,– I will be showing commitment to my family. Eating well is commitment to my family. You may not realise all the benefits now, but a healthy family member contributes to the happiness in that family. The healthier I am the less I am a burden to my family now or in the future. We encourage you (ourselves included) to look at the big picture.

Effective Communication

We have found this to be a particularly important ingredient for a happy family. There are so many resources to draw from when it comes to communication.

During our courtship we read about the 5 levels of communication in Nancy Van Pelt’s book To Have and To Hold. The 5 levels are Small Talk (Level 5), Factual Conversations, Ideas and Opinions, Feelings and Emotions and Deep Insight (Level 1). However, nothing compares to putting these into practice and checking where .

Over the years we have made our fair share of communication mistakes – e.g., not listening to the other person, speaking whilst emotional and immediately regretting it, talking whilst tired, talking too much, wrong timing of important discussions and decisions etc.

In our family, we have allowed each one of us to advise others if the time is not appropriate for serious discussion. One thing we have tried to put in place is to quickly make up after falling out. We encourage to say “Sorry” as soon as we realise we are in the wrong or have hurt someone. Wim and I have never shouted at each other – yes sometimes the urge to shout would come but we have always respected each other. We modelled this in our family, and we hope our children have learnt from it as both have now flown the nest.

Don’t get us wrong, in our family we have had some emotional, testy, candid discussions but these have been done in a civil and respectful way without name calling or any verbal abuse. All of us in our family have been and can be angry with each other or with situations; we can be frustrated – but no one feels at risk at such times, because we have allowed that these emotions can be safely expressed in our home, and necessary support given.

One thing I have learnt is that I shouldn’t be listening so that I could advise. Sometimes Wim is just sharing what she is feeling and wants to have a listening ear. Last year, I decided to become an adviser and consultant as Wim was communicating something emotional that she felt so strongly about. I genuinely thought that I needed to help her see the other side of the story. It didn’t go down very well. The lesson I learnt is that if Wim wants my advice, she will ask for it and not for me to assume that she needs it. Active listening comes in handy in such situations – i.e. remove distractions, maintain eye contact, use encouragers like (Hmmm, Ehe, etc) and respond just to show that you are following the story. I don’t know whether it is myth or fact, but I read somewhere that women have 3.5 words to men’s 1. If this is true, I would urge my brothers that one skill we all have to learn is active listening 😉. Also research shows that men sometimes get settled in the Factual Conversation level of communication (Level 4)

Wim: “How was your day, honey?”

Jabu: “Fine”

Wim thinks 🤔: “How can the whole day be summarized by a four letter word?”

So, another word to the brothers. Say something. You may need to quote Shakespeare, but please say something.

There should be level of intimacy in communication. Real intimacy starts at Level 3 (Ideas and Opinions). There should be intellectual intimacy – sharing thoughts, opinions, desires without sense of condemnation. Show genuine interest in what your family member is involved in so that you can have constructive and engaging conversations. Whilsts I am a engineer by profession I know a lot about nursing, pharmacy (BNF…😉), accounting and finance – just because that’s what my family is involved with every day.

We have also found out that effective communication leads to spiritual intimacy – you may not be on the same spiritual stage but you can stay on the journey together and encourage each other – you can share devotions etc. On looking back, we have seen that our spiritual stages have been different at different times. Be aware that spiritual growth takes place at different rates to different people. Allow each other time to grow and mature.

We found that as we shared our ideas, fears, hopes, feelings and emotions, we have grown closer to each other. We are both comfortable to be vulnerable in each other’s presence with the assurance that such personal issues are safe and will not be used against the other person.

Many times, I will be thinking of a certain thing and as I am about to say it, Wim says exactly what I was thinking. At first it felt spooky but now we enjoy it. This makes us feel that intimacy in our communication.

James, from Bible, has some wise words which we can all benefit from

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry

James 1:19

Love

We think this is one of the most abused word in the English language. It is so deep, but sometimes we seem to play with it. There is a lot to talk about love, but we have decided to start with what the Bible says in this well-known love chapter.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails… And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8, 13

Not a long time ago, we came across Dr Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages, who concludes from his many years of marriage counselling that love is expressed in any of these five languages: Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation and Receiving Gifts. (If you have not heard about this, please read about it and take the 5 Love Language quiz to identify your own love language – just Google it)

We have tried this in our own family and our verdict is, it works. My love language is split evenly between Physical Touch and Quality Time. (Those who know me appreciate how my “hug-o-meter” has been down as I miss all the hugs from family and friends due to covid restrictions).

Before coming across Dr Chapman’s love languages, I discovered that I had been expressing my love to Wim through the language I understand – physical touch and quality time. When Wim and I took the 5 Love Languages quiz separately, we discovered that Wim’s love language is Acts of Service. This helped me explain why she got stressed out and annoyed with unwashed dishes, untidy kitchen, things thrown around the house etc. To me Acts of Service does not come naturally.

I tried to change, as we always try with so many other things, to help improve our marriage. I deliberately made an effort to ensure that the kitchen sink is always clean before Wim comes home from work. Yes, me Jabu in the kitchen washing up. When it is time to prepare meals, I used to be watching TV whilst Wim was cooking, but now things have changed – both of us are together in the kitchen. This has greatly improved our relationship. It reduces the time we are both in the kitchen and we are not as tired when we sit down to eat the meal. I am so happy when I do these things as I can see that Wim feels loved, as I try to speak her love language fluently.

This is not limited to us as husband and wife but goes to Tim and Nomsa. Tim’s love language is Words of Affirmation while Nomsa’s one is Acts of Service, with Physical Touch a close second. A couple of weeks ago Nomsa, Wim and I sent Tim an engraved glass plaque following his start on a new job ending with the words “We are very proud of you”.

Nomsa always appreciates how Wim and I go out of our way to meet her needs. She cited how she misses her mum’s gluten (special dish) and the delicious meals that her mum prepared when she visits home. She also mentions the freshly baked scones that I deliver to her bedroom whilst she studies. We try our best to speak her language of Acts of Service fluently.

Nomsa also understands what Quality Time means to me, that is why she calls me almost every day for a chat.

That’s it for this week. We leave you with these two quotations we have found inspiring

The plant of love must be carefully nourished, else it will die. Every good principle must be cherished if we would have it thrive in the soul.

Adventist Home

Forgive and give as if it were your last opportunity. Love like there’s no tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes, love again.

Max Lucado

Next week we continue with some more ingredients to a happy family. Meanwhile please take time to review your own. Please subscribe and share with family and freinds. More love @ home!

 

Categories
Our Faith Our Relationship The Unexpected

Special Tribute to our “Queen of Love”

Our hearts ache – yet again. We were not going post anything today due to our bereavement, but we have just decided to give you a glimpse of the life of this amazing lady we lost.

Today we celebrate the life of our “Queen of Love”, my Auntie (Mainini) Denia who sadly passed away on Sunday and was laid to rest today back home in Zimbabwe. (Mainini literally means little mother or mother’s younger sister).

From the tributes we saw as we followed the funeral service proceedings on Facebook live this morning, it appears that this lady touched so many lives.

When mum died when I was 8, Mainini Denia and her younger sister, between them shared the mothering responsibilities of myself and my 4 sisters. At this time, she was in her late-thirties, had five of her own children and had another one on the way. As we grew older, we then appreciated how the loss of her elder sister, my mum, may have been devasting to her as well.

She managed to find a place for all of us in her heart – she had such a BIG heart.

There are a lot of things we could write about Mainini but decided to settle on a few that exhibits her love.

In January 1975, Mainini offered to take my elder sister to live with her in Torwood, KweKwe and go to secondary school there as there was no secondary school for black children in Chinhoyi at the time. Then the following month of the same year, my mum suddenly passed away – collapse and died two days later. Mainini showed so much great love to us, embracing and comforting us as we mourned our loss – she also needed comforting, but she ensured that we were comforted first.

This lady believed in women empowerment, even before we heard about it from the wider world. She believed in educating both boys and girls. She believed that women can and should be independent and self-sufficient. She believed that women should use their heads and hands.

Though Babamudiki (her husband) was a school teacher, Mainini had entrepreneurial skills that she put to very good use. From her small kitchen, she ran a successful sewing business. Selling clothes (mainly dresses) to residents of the Steel Works in Torwood. This small business later grew to a couple of tuckshops/takeaways (in cavarans) and a store.

This reminds me of the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31:10-31 (Please take a moment to read this passage in the Bible).

So many words describe her – driven, determined, resilient, caring, manager, innovative/creative etc. On another visit later to her place, she mentioned to Wim and I that she had determined that from her sewing business, she would buy a brand new car. (Buying new cars were unheard of at the time). And sure enough, she did purchase it and it is the car that Wim and I rode after our wedding ceremony as we went to the park for photos.

During our childhood, Mainini would send for us now and again to come to Torwood to visit during the school holidays. Whilst there we were showered with so much love. A few days before our return to Chinhoyi, she would take us to a Bata shoe shop, kumaQ (a surburb in Torwood) and buy us a new pair of school shoes. This was special and the shoes would last for a couple of years. She would always encourage us on the importance of education.

Later on when I phoned her to inform her that I had found a girlfriend and were planning an engagement party, she said she will be attending the party and she did come. I remember her speech where she was encouraging Wim and I that the engagement is not the real deal, not the destination; we have to practice self-control until we get to the wedding day.

Wim’s view

I met Jabu’s Mainini for the first time at our engagement party. She was dressed so elegantly and was well spoken as she addressed the gathering. Jabu had told me a lot about her and how she had been a pillar of support for him and his siblings.

The next time I saw her was at our wedding day when she gave that great speech which she finished by saying “Ndinokugamuchira Vimbai. Ndinokuda chaizvo Vimbai.” (I welcome you Vimbai (i.e. to the Mpofus). I love you very much Vimbai). I was hooked by such love.

Three years ago, when my Dad died, we flew back to Zimbabwe. By the time we arrived in Marondera, Mainini was already there to comfort me and the family. On the day of the funeral, Mainini came and sat next to me and held me close. She supported me as we went for the body viewing and I could feel her strong arm of love around me. I felt so warmly loved and supported.

Every time we visited Zimbabwe on holiday, we made it a point that we would at least visit Mainini and her younger sister. The last time we visited Mainini, we had sent word through a third party that we will be visiting. Somehow the message did not get through to her. Our party showed up unannounced – six of us (our niece and nephew had come along).

“Jabu and Vimbai, where are you coming from?” she happily exclaimed with such a wide smile and gave us some hearty hugs. She was so happy to see us and her grandchildren and quickly enquired of what they were up to. She was unfazed by entertaining such a large party unexpectedly showing up.

You can feel the love and happiness

“Adhala Jaa, (as she affectionately called Jabu) we need to look for something to eat. What do you want to eat?”

“Sadza” was the resounding response from our party.

“Electricity is there now but it will likely go out any time – so let’s start cooking now” she advised

As expected before getting the ingredients together, the electricity went off before we had started cooking. This lady was so organized – she had plan B. An open fire was going outside in no time. We cooked sadza as we chatted and caught up with things. You could feel love oozing in her words of advice and encouragement. Love begats love. She was happy to see us.

Final word from Jabu

In the twilight days of her life, Mainini developed this amazing and close relationship with my younger sister. They became besties and each’s confidant.

For those who knew her, the greatest tribute you can give to Mainini is to emulate her love. I know you also have your own stories to share, on how she touched your lives. (Disclaimer – I have not even shared what we have written with my sisters)

For those who had never met her, you may still extend love to those dear and close to you. Thank you for reading about our Mainini – a bulwark in our lives; always behind the scenes encouraging and praying for us.

I feel that Mainini can echo the words of Paul in 2 Timothy 4:7-8

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful.  And now the prize awaits me—the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing.

2 Timothy 4:7-8 NLT

One comment that stood out Facebook live today was – It was a life well lived. She was 85.

There is a prize for you as well. May the life of our “Queen of Love” inspire you to prepare for that prize. This IS what love looks like.

We solicit your prayers as we go through yet another loss. Thank you.

Categories
Family Finances Immigration Matters Our Faith Our Relationship

Money Matters – Part 2

Welcome back to our blog.

If this is your first time on our blog, we suggest that you you visit our previous blog posts on this link Previous Blog Posts

Apology

Apologies, we had advised that we will be sharing “30 lessons” we have learnt as we approached our 30th wedding anniversary. However, as we wrote the blog we saw that the lessons learnt so far will be way more than 30. We hope you don’t mind us going past the 30 limit! 😉

Now back to Money Matters Part 2

Indeed we entered the UK completely debt free – that included mortgage free.

As mentioned in a previous blog, I was blessed to get a job very soon after arriving in the UK.

Lesson 27 – We underestimated the cost of settling in the UK.

We were not prepared by what financially awaited us. We had not fully anticipated what was likely to come our way. Whilst we came debt free, we didn’t have any meaningful savings to help us settle. As I moved from London to Preston, thankfully my sister and brother-in-law were on hand to provide some financial support to help us settle.

Firstly, we needed a deposit for renting a house, which was more than a month’s rent – my sister and brother-in-law were on hand to help. Then there was the true cost of housing – rent, gas, electric, water, broadband, telephone and council tax.

Secondly, my job required me to travel and I needed a car urgently. Yes, you guessed it, my sister and brother-in-law lent me money to buy my first car in the UK – a red 1.2ltr Ford Fiesta; so modest compared to the company car, Nissan Hardbody Twin Cab (Yellow Flower) with 3.6ltr petrol engine I had back in Zimbabwe. Then I started to fully appreciate that the cost of owning a car is more than the cost of the car itself – fuel, car tax, insurance, MOT, service etc. In Zimbabwe my company would take care of all that.

When Wim and the kids arrived, we needed another car as Nomsa’s school was a long distance away from our house and was not on a direct bus route. We secured a bank loan to buy another car – thankfully my car allowance at my new workplace was enough to cover the loan repayment.

Generally, one area that took us some time to adjust was moving from a hyperinflationary environment to a place with low inflation – coming from a place where the interest on bank loans were around 150%, 19% looked like a bargain! It took us time even to appreciate the value of £1.

Another area where we had not fully appreciated the cost was Immigration Costs. From the time we came to the UK until we got settled status we parted with several thousands of pounds. We couldn’t believe the total amount when added everything up. We were not budgeting for these but putting them on credit cards.

Lesson 28: Review housing situation

Twelve months after renting our house, we were given notice as the landlord wanted to sell the house, he said. After mentioning the issue to our church pastor when he had visit us, he then suggested why we had not thought of buying our own house, rather than spending “dead money”, as he puts it. (This was the first time we had heard this term – which meant that by renting you are paying in money and that you will not have anything to show for it by the end of the tenancy).

We reasoned that we have just been in the UK for a year and we had not built up any credit history to qualify for a mortgage. He gave us contact details of a fellow church member, whom we didn’t know was a mortgage broker.

After some initial checks, the good news was that the mortgage broker, who has since become our very good friend, confirmed that we would qualify for a mortgage. We quickly looked for a house within our price range. We needed deposit – you are right again, we went to my sister and brother-in-law who made provision for us. Six months later we had moved into our own house in the UK. We thank God for His blessings – it happened a lot quicker than we had anticipated.

We know our situation was different from what others face. However, we encourage that you look at the options that are currently available, especially for first-time buyers like UK Government’s Help to Buy scheme etc. We also appreciate that in certain places like London, renting may be the most viable option as someone settles due to the astronomical cost of housing; but the bottom line is, review options available to you.

By the end of 18 months since arriving in the UK, we had built some substantial debt – car loan 1 (my sister), car loan 2 (bank), house deposit (my sister). Thankfully, our income was decent, and the loan repayments were not a problem.

Thank You

We feel that it may be an opportune time to publicly say Thank You to my sister and brother-in-law for the support they gave us to settle in the UK, as they have been part of our journey we are now sharing publicly. We continue to show our appreciation to them in private. They are a generous couple and their generosity continues even to this day.

After a couple of years since coming to the UK, we visited Zimbabwe and we had a wonderful time with family and friends. We had saved for this trip, so everything was ok.

Then tragedy struck. Within three months of our return from Zimbabwe, Wim lost her younger sister; less than 12 months later, we lost our nephew whom we used to live with (some people thought that he was Tim’s elder brother); a further 12 months, I lost my sister. We had to separately go back to Zimbabwe for the funerals – Tim went back with Wim for our nephew’s funeral.

Flying to Zim is not cheap and last minute tickets are even more expensive. We were not financially prepared for this. We put these costs on credit cards. Fortunately, we managed to secure 0% balance transfers which helped for limited times. Thankfully, I was getting promotions at work with associated salary increases and the repayments were manageable.

At one time some years later, we were planning to visit Zimbabwe for holiday. We bought our tickets directly from Air Zimbabwe. The airline office insisted on using debit card and not credit card (didn’t understand at the time why). A month before the trip, the airline went bust, stopped all flights from London and we lost the money. We had to rebook alternative flights and put the costs on credit cards again.

We were comfortable with the debt as it was manageable.

Lesson 29 – We needed an Emergency Fund

Another example showing the need of an emergency fund would come a couple of years later. We felt that our car still had a number of years of life left and we had just finished paying off the bank car loan. After MOT and service, the garage advised me that brake pads had worn out and were approaching legal limit.

In order to ensure that the car was safe and could last until the following year’s MOT and service, I arranged to have the brake pads replaced. After confirming that the work could be done whilst waiting, I took car in and waited for it to be fixed, as I had to attend an afternoon meeting in Warrington. As I drove out of the garage after the work, the car started sputtering, smoking and losing power. I even struggled to get home – just over 1 mile away. It could not be explained how work on the brake pads triggered such a serious engine problem. Unfortunately, the car could not be repaired – so we had paid for MOT, service and new brake pads and then scrap the car. Ouch!

Lesson 30 – Avoid Unnecessary Purchases

In our life in the UK, we have bought a number of useless stuff that we would regret later. We think the worst one was when scanning in an Argos catalogue we saw this on special offer – Cross trainer and Treadmill offer – pay nothing for 6 months etc. After discussing on why we needed this, we went for it – I think I was a little bit pushy on this one and Wim gave in.

This purchase caused us more problems than benefitted us. When the items were delivered, where would we keep them? From the photos in the catalogue, we had not fully appreciated the actual sizes of the items. You should have seen how crowded our dinning room became when they were delivered. This was by far our worst purchase ever (fortunately it was not very costly, but the mindset was in a wrong place). We eventually had to give away the equipment after they had hardly been used.

Back to our senses

Then we came back to our senses. The lightbulb moment came when we sat down and added all our debts. By this time our debt had increased to unbelievable levels – tens of thousands of pounds, but still manageable as my salary had been going up regularly through promotions and annual increases. We never struggled with the debt repayments, but it just felt so heavy and holding us down.

Then we decided to break the Parkinson’s Law (mentioned in the previous blog) which suggests that “Expenditure rises to meet income.”

The tide began to turn when we came across the website www.moneysavingexpert.com.

We started using the suggestions and links on that website. Our aim was to get to a point of debt free again. We had some quick steps to do

  1. We had a family meeting with Tim and Nomsa where we informed them of our financial situation and what we were trying to do to get out of the situation. After recovering from the initial shock of money we owed, they quickly supported us.
  2. We created an Emergency Fund – we started small. This was to cover things like unexpected breakdown of car, washing machine etc. Before this any financial shock would send us onto credit cards. Experts suggest that an emergency fund should be between 3 and 6 months expenses, but we feel that it should be more than that.
  3. Improve Budgeting Effectiveness – A budget tells your money where to go, but sometimes we didn’t enforce that. Budgets should cover all expected/planned expenses e.g. monthly budgeted for one off regular annual.
  4. We started what we coined CARD ATTACK. We would pay minimum payments on other cards and targeted one card where we threw all excess cash. (this is referred to, sometimes, as the snowball method). Since most of our credit card debts were on 0%, the order of attack was targeting credit card with the 0% offer expiring earliest. A couple of times we fell off the tracks but managed to get back on.
  5. We moved away from the high end supermarkets to the discount supermarkets.
  6. If we have not saved for anything, we would not buy it.

We would use the Martin Lewis’ Money Mantras from the website (skint is a British slang meaning – no money)

It worked!

Surprisingly, the changes highlighted above did not noticeably affect our standard of living. Our debts started coming down, and down and down. You should have seen our smiles as we looked at our spreadsheet monthly, with a pie-chart showing how much we were eating into the debt.

By this time Wim had finished uni and was working full time. We just threw everything at this debt. Within two years of putting our minds and efforts to it, we became 100% debt free.

We cannot believe the feeling – such a liberating feeling. No consumer debt – zero. Cars fully paid up. Only outstanding debt now is our mortgage, which we are now overpaying to finish it early.

Now we had an opportunity to look at some areas that we had never considered in the UK before – Investments (we will cover these later).

As you can see, this chapter is still work in progress but we are happy that we have managed to get back control of our finances by going back to the discipline that we had learnt over the years in Zimbabwe.

Lesson 31 – Helping Family Back Home

Wim and I believe that God blesses us so that we can bless others. Between us, we have a good number of siblings back in Zimbabwe. Economically, things have been hard in Zimbabwe with people facing everyday challenges for survival.

One thing we have witnessed since coming to the UK is that NONE of our siblings have ever asked for any financial help whatsoever. (I know – our case may be the exception). They all NEVER complain about their situation. We have received requests for help from other people – extended family and other acquaintances.

We have developed a system that we have found helpful.

  1. In our budget, we have allowed a monthly provision to help support our families.
  2. We join our siblings in supporting our parents back home and try to make their lives as comfortable as possible. At present, we have only two surviving parents – Wim’s mum and my mum.
  3. Since our siblings NEVER ask for help, we try to keep our ears to the ground and look for areas and opportunities where we may be of assistance. Normally when we receive blessings, we look around to see how we can share that with family.
  4. Where we can, we have tried to support in areas of education and support people become self-sufficient.
  5. When someone asks for assistance, we are no longer embarrassed to say “We are sorry, we are not able to help at this time”. (Remember when we used to borrow money off our credit card to help someone)

Suggested Activity

We have told our story and how we have learnt our lessons – some of it the hard way. As an activity, we encourage you to discuss your debt situation. Normally there is a tendency to understate the total amount you owe – therefore it is important that you list everything down. Develop a plan to tackle your debt.

If you do not have any debts, good; try to find out better ways to manage and invest your money. Don’t forget that helping others is an effective way of investing.

This has been a long blog post – thank you for getting this far. Please share with others. Until next time, bye and God bless you.

Categories
Family Finances Our Faith Our Relationship

Money Matters – Part 1

We are glad you are here and thank you for reading our blog.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl), Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles, FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1 , The Wedding Day Part 2 , The Rest of the Wedding Day Honeymoon & Early Days 1, Honeymoon & Early Days 2 , Our Encounter with COVID-19, I’m Pregnant and Parenting – they don’t come with manuals, Parenting – they don’t come with manuals (cont) and Reflections from the youngest, Tim’s Musings, The Great Move. For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

Today we are tackling a subject that most people find uncomfortable, but which is so key in achieving happiness at home. Money Matters. We have learnt a lot over the 30 plus years of our marriage – from our own mistakes as well as while we observed others.

To cover our experiences to date, we will discuss this topic under two broad time periods – In Zimbabwe and In the UK. We hope that as we share our experiences it will initiate conversations in your relationships to review your own situations.

Early Years

As we mentioned in an earlier blog, Jabu and I extensively discussed money matters during our courtship. After some research and discussions, we decided that each person’s money will be OUR money – family’s money. We chose this model because we felt that as we got married we needed to be united in all matters including finances. We needed to work together from the word go. We do have a combination of joint bank accounts and personal accounts, well knowing that the money in there is available for the family.

We encourage those who are in a serious courtship to discuss money matters as research shows that this is a potential source of conflict in marriages. We urge you to have a calm, honest conversation where you freely discuss each other’s finances (including full disclosure of debt), goals, habits and anxieties.

We remember during our courtship we just had one book as a resource, but nowadays there is loads of information online. It is a worthwhile investment to your relationship and future marriage, to read, research and discuss this important subject to find out what suits you. There are many models out there, with their pros and cons.

When we started our family, Jabu was a student and I was the sole bread winner. My earnings and Jabu’s uni grant and loans was enough to sustain us. Thankfully, the gifts we received at our wedding helped make our life more comfortable, but not luxurious. What also helped us was the hope of what we anticipated our income would be once Jabu completes his studies and gets a job.

When Tim was born, our financial situation became a little more stretched. We needed a bigger place to live as we also needed to employ a nanny to help look after Tim whilst I was at work and Jabu at uni. Normally the nanny would live with us.

We had to live a frugal lifestyle and we were managing.

Lesson 25: Use a budget and live within your means

I bet you have heard about this many times – easier said than done, you would think. We found budgeting to be really helpful and key in managing our finances. Over the years we have further improved effectiveness of our budgeting as previously we realized that we had left out some important items.

In the early days our budget was tight with small or no wriggle room at all. Any small financial shock would throw us off. A couple of times we fell on hard times and literally ran out of money and food. I remember one instance where Jabu had to go to ask help from my brother to see us through to the end of the month. I didn’t support his action as I felt embarrassed – “What would my brother think?” I wondered. I couldn’t stop Jabu as he went anyway and got what we needed.

One thing to note is that even with a tight budget we ensured to put God first – tithe and offerings were always the first item on our budget. Tithing was something both of us had practiced from our youths – even before we started working. (Tithing is returning 10% of income back to God, through the church, to support God’s work). God has been faithful to us.

After Jabu’s post graduate training, he secured a job and we had to move to Chinhoyi – his hometown, where he was born and raised.

In Chinhoyi

Getting my first job in Chinhoyi was a game changer. There was a sudden increase in our income and the perks were good – free housing, free electricity. I could not believe the change in our situation – coming from the deprived high density Gadzema Section and now moving to the other side of the railway tracks – to the low-density suburbs.

I grew up during the tail end of the colonial rule in Zimbabwe and I remember the days when I could not walk, let alone live in that part of the town just because of the colour of my skin. I vividly remember a day when a security guard set a dog on my brother and I, because we were walking on the wrong side of the pavement by Sinoia Hotel.

Now that was me and my family moving into this “unreachable” area. God is good. Incidentally, the house we ended up staying at in Chinhoyi was adjacent to my high school where I did my A Levels (actually the house shared a fence/boundary with the school). For two years, I had walked past this house on my way from school back home to Gadzema Section – now it was us living in this house.

My Dad must have been a proud man.

Play time at Tim’s birthday party – Chinhoyi High School is in the background

Our family finances were stable in Chinhoyi.

Lesson 26: Avoid keeping up with the Joneses

One thing that we have always tried to do is not to “compete” with our peers, family or keeping up with the Joneses. From the start we have always viewed our situation to be unique and we felt that there was no value of comparing ourselves with others. For example, right from the beginning and for years our family had mainly been a one income household, with Wim working around raising our children. On reflection, we are very happy that we took that path, as Wim was always there to provide a steady hand at the key development stages of our children.

We know it can be tempting, but we encourage you discuss and agree your own journey from your own unique starting point. Obviously, you may get inspiration from other people’s journeys, but we found out that it helps to stick to yours.

It was whilst we were in Chinhoyi that I applied and was awarded a NORAD  fellowship to go and study in Norway. Nomsa was born a few weeks before I left home for the 10-month post graduate course. It was hard to say goodbye to Wim and family at such a challenging time. Wim did a great job in looking after the children on her own, whilst I was away. God gave our children a great mother.

Somewhere in Norway

My stay in Norway was interrupted as I had to briefly return home when my Dad sadly passed away. I had a short time to see how my family was doing before I went back to finish my studies.

Briefly back for Dad’s funeral

Financially, Norway was a great benefit for us, although I sorely missed Wim and the kids. Back home I was receiving full pay, whilst getting an additional allowance/stipend in Norway, in foreign currency. It was upon my return that we bought our first car – a biege Nissan B1600. By this time our friends and peers had been enjoying their own cars or company cars for years, but this did not unsettle us at all.

I remember an incident when I was going through my post graduate training in Harare, a certain church brother, who was a manager at his workplace, approached me advising that there was an engineering vacant position at his company, encouraging meto apply and emphasing that the position had a company car. I politely declined and thanked him for considering me, as I was already on my training. Tim, in his recent guest blog post, alluded to this as delayed gratification.

In Marondera

Less than a year after returning from Norway, I was seconded to act as District Manager in Marondera and eventually got the job when it was advertised. This was a big promotion and came with big responsibilities; I was in my early 30s. The position came with, in addition to other previous perks, a company car and fuel, with a generous private mileage allowance. As always, we knew it was a blessing from the Lord and we handled it that way. We also remembered that God would use us as channels to bless others – family, friends or even strangers. We had a memorable time in Marondera, using the resources now at our disposal to serve the Lord.

On the personal financial side, things were good. However, this was the first time we started using credit cards. We just saw our cost of living balloon increasing – lifestyle inflation. We were no longer as strict with our budgeting. Wim and I usually quoted a derivative of Parkinson Law to keep us on the straight and narrow.

Expenditure rises to meet income.

Derivative of Parkinson’s Law

The law asserts that “As you earn more money, your needs increase you end up spending more money.” For you to be financially successful, you need to break this law.

We could even borrow on the credit card to help others. I remember an incident that happened. One Sunday a certain church member came to our house and wanted to borrow some money, which he promised to repay the following week, indicating that his wife and children didn’t have anything to eat. Wim and I didn’t have any money to help. After the gentleman left, Wim and I reconsidred and decided to withdraw money from our credit card – a couple of hours later we drove to the man’s house. He was obviously not expecting us when we appeared at his place, only to discover that they were having a meal of sadza and chicken. We couldn’t believe it – this was not a meal of someone struggling. We gave the man the money nonetheless.

It was while at Marondera, that we started using credit cards. However, the credit card debt was small and would be repaid at the end of every month.

God continued to bless us immensely whilst at Marondera. After a couple of years, my company decided to dispose of their housing estate nationwide and offered the houses to sitting tenants – we grabbed the offer with both hands and got a mortgage for our house. (There is a story of how this unfolded and how God showed His faithfulness to us – to be shared later).

Later on, we would get another mortgage for another property in Harare. This happened very quickly. A good friend (the same one who would later inform us about HSMP), passed by our house announcing “Madzibaba (Man), we have just bought a house in Harare.” Apparently, a housing developer had got into agreement with our pension fund which would guarantee the deposit for the houses for employees meeting certain criteria. We had not heard about this housing scheme before and it just looked too good to be true. We took our usual cautious approach.

The next morning, I called another friend at Head Office, who confirmed existence of the scheme and that he had also secured a property there and the available properties were going fast. I immediately called Wim to get ready, took time off and we were in Harare within the hour. By the end of the day, we had signed the papers and awaiting mortgage application approval.

The country’s economy started going through hyperinflationary environment. Costs were going up literally daily. Food shortages were rampart. Thankfully, we were ok and could cope with the increases as my company tried to make salaries keep pace with inflation but that was almost an unwinnable battle.

Then the opportunity to emigrate to the UK came. We sold our car and some household property, repaid our credit cards, cleared our mortgages and left Zimbabwe 100% debt free!

How did the financial lessons and discipline we had learnt in Zimbabwe fare in the UK environment? They were tested to the limit or breaking point and we have learnt many lessons since; which we are happy to share them with you.

Please don’t miss the next week’s blog. Feel free to subscribe and share with family and friends.