May 2021 – More Love @ Home with Jabu & Wim

Renewing Marriage Vows at Cana of Galilee

Welcome back – we are glad you have managed to take time to read our blog.

If this is your first time here, we extend a very warm welcome to you. We suggest that you read our previous blog posts on this link Previous Blog Posts, to give you some background information and how we got to this point.

Yes, you read the title correctly, Renewing Marriage Vows at Cana of Galilee!

As a family tradition amongst our family in the UK, when someone has a big birthday, family members contribute some money towards something special that the one celebrating the birthday would like to do. For mine, I decided to take my family to visit Norway where I had spent 10 months in the late nineties.

For Wim’s recent big birthday, she chose a trip to the Holy Land, Israel! Thanks to our family and friends in the UK, they made a substantial contribution to this trip. We had talked about visiting Israel some time in the future but Wim’s choice to do that for her big birthday pleasantly surprised me. Of course, she was not going alone. We quickly looked for the best way to tour this country.

When we were at camp meeting, we saw an advert in the camp meeting programme of an upcoming tour of Israel. We made contact with the organizer, who was a minister in South England.

Personally, I was skeptical of going to Israel – “who needs a pilgrimage? Everything is now so commercialized. There is nothing new I can learn from visiting this place? Cost is too expensive…” I thought. How wrong I was!

As the date of our departure approached, the excitement levels started going up. The tour organizer sent loads of information with what to bring and what the tour programme would be like.

We flew into Tel-a-Viv and we met other members of our tour party – a group that we would spend the following eight days with. We got onto our coach for a two plus hour drive to our hotel at Tiberias by the Sea of Galilee. After refreshing we went for dinner in the hotel dining room. What a spread that was – we are even talking about that food up to now!

After an early breakfast, we were the first party to arrive at Magdala – just a few miles from our hotel. Yes, that Magdala where the woman with the issue of blood for 12 years was healed – the touch of faith. “If only I would touch the hem of His garment”.

That day, just like all the after that, was full of activities. We visited Capernaum – the Town of Jesus; Bethsaida – where Jesus healed the demoniac; the place where tradition said Jesus preached the sermon on the mount; the place where Jesus fed the five thousand.

View of Sea of Galilee from the Sermon on the Mount

The highlight of the first day was a boat ride on the Sea of Galilee. We had a blessed time as we sang and laughed as we looked for the place “where Peter sank”. At each of the places of interest our well-informed tour guide would give us the history of the place. Then our organizer, the minister, would open the Bible to the relevant texts that relate to that place. That made the Bible come alive!

Could not believe that this was just the first day of our tour of Israel.

As we retired after another long day and enjoying another delicious meal, we felt so blessed to be here.

The Holy Land was teeming with tourists – and we understood from our guide that this was not even high season. Our group strategy was to start out very early and be the first ones at the place we visit first. This strategy worked so that the next morning, we were amongst the first tourists to get to Cana of Galilee.

The next day there was a wedding celebration in the village of Cana in Galilee. Jesus’ mother was there, and Jesus and his disciples were also invited to the celebration.
John 2:1-2

We encourage you to read the whole story in John 2:1-12 where Jesus turned water into wine.

A little bit of Shona – welcoming you to Cana of Galilee

After the quick tour of the church at Cana, Wim and I found a spot outside where we renewed our vows impromptu – those vows that we had exchanged in 1990! Crowds were starting to build. Even before I finished my vows Wim stopped me and she started her own vows after noticing that our recording will soon be swallowed by the guests.

Object Lessons from the Wedding at Cana

We have read and even preached on the story of the wedding at Cana for a long time but this day it took a new meaning. We will share some of the lessons we have found, for our marriage.

Lesson 1: Be careful whom you invite into your marriage.

The couple at Cana invited Jesus to their wedding. Sometimes, people we invite into our relationships cause more harm than good. The couple was not even aware of what was happening behind the scenes, but because they had invited wisely, their problems were solved even before they surfaced. We urge you to invite God/Jesus into your relationship.

Lesson 2 At times the wine may run out.

Things that can sweeten a relationship can run out – affection, love, laughs, money etc. As per the Marital Satisfaction chart we shared in the last blog post, things can go up and things can go down. But please do not throw in the towel. God can help you fix this problem. Hang in there.

Lesson 3: Things will get better

The wine at the end was better than the one at the beginning. The lesson we get from here is that better days are ahead of us in our relationship. We encourage you to do your best and commit to make tomorrow better than today. A little kindness, forgiveness. Be nice to your spouse and family.

By the time we finished our tour at Cana, the place had hundreds of tourists. There were a number of planned marriage vow ceremonies with the brides dressed in proper wedding gowns – what a sight. Before we left Cana, of course we had to buy some wine at the souvenier shop just outside the church – for the record non-alcoholic wine🤣.

We continued our tour to Nazareth, the home town of Jesus and the drove up the precipice where the Bible records that the crowds wanted to throw Jesus off.

After visiting the possible location of Naboth’s vineyard, it was time to go up Mt Carmel. There on top of Mt Carmel Wim and I spoke Shona with other tourists we met there. They were not Zimbabweans. Details in the next blog 😉. Please subscribe and share.

We are glad to be back after a couple of weeks hiatus. We come back refreshed. We hope you managed to find time to discuss your take on the Ingredients of a Happy Family, as per activity in our last blog post.

Today we want to share our experiences as empty nesters. We think that in Zimbabwe due to the extended families etc, empty nests are quite rare. For the avoidance of doubt, by definition, an empty nest is when the children have all grown and left home and only parent(s) remain at home.

Yes, we are and we have been empty nesters for quite some time now. It has been a journey and in the process we have picked a number of lessons we will be sharing with you.

As children leave the home, parents are affected one way or another. Parents may react differently to this life changing moment. As we were preparing this blog, we asked each other how our empty nest impacted us and we affirmed that Jabu and I are affected almost the same way. If, as parents, you feel the effects differently, that is all normal and you will be able to support each other in this phase of your lives.

We mentioned in an earlier blog post that when we dropped Tim off at uni for the first time, we knew that our family life as we knew it then was going to change forever – we saw it coming. It is surprising that as parents sometimes we are taken by surprise by things that are inevitable. Our advice to fellow parents is – your nest is going to be empty at one time and you better prepare before your beloved birds fly the nest. The experience can be painful but there are some things as parents we can put in place to help us manage and adjust.

We also mentioned in an earlier blog that coming to the UK was the first time our family stayed as the four of us without any extended members of family. We built a strong relationship with each of our children as we spent more time together.

As our children left home, we had mixed feelings and emotions. One was that our children had now grown up to be able to live on their own; but on the other hand, were nervous and anxious how they will manage on their own. On one hand you are happy for raising a young adult, but there is also of tinge of deep sadness to see them leave. It was time for us to watch as we witness whether all those lessons taught had been learnt.

For us our nest did not empty all at once – Tim finished uni before Nomsa finished college. Then it happened in quick succession – Tim moved to London and after a few months Nomsa started uni. When we dropped Nomsa off at the University of Brighton for the first time, I could not hold my tears back. I was leaving my little girl on her own for the first time in my life. Jabu appeared strong but I know that deep down he was also sad.

This was the first time Jabu and I would be going back to an empty nest. After dropping Tim off in London on our way back, the five-hour drive back home on that day was not easy. After all those years I had spent with Nomsa doing the school runs and supporting her, it was sad to see her leave the house for the last time – very sad.

Thankfully we had discussed about this moment so many times and we appreciated it’s inevitability. From our own experiences and wider reading we have come up with some tips that have helped us manage and cope with our empty nest.

Tip 1 – Be aware that an Empty Nest is coming.

Don’t be taken by surprise. We encourage you not to make children the center of your relationship or communication – yes, they are key members of the family but they will soon fly the nest to start their own lives and families. You have to deliberately nurture your own relationship – invest time and effort into it; it is a worthwhile investment.

Tip 2 – Talk about it

Yes, talk about it with your spouse before it happens; read other people’s experiences. Freely discuss your anxieties and fears. If you are a single parent, talk with a trusted friend.

Jabu and I freely shared our thoughts and feelings as Tim’s departure from home approached. As Nomsa left home, we were also careful not to put both of them under pressure of helping us deal with our anticipated loneliness and sadness.

Tip 3: Get Busy and Keep Busy

As the time of flying the nest approaches, look for something to keep you busy – those things that you always wanted to do but never got that time and opportunity to do.

Fortunately for me, as soon as Nomsa finished high school I embarked on studies of my own, which was a good distraction. As I was also working part-time and studying, I hardly had free time where my thoughts would wander. We also thank God we are in the UK where there are plenty of things to do at whatever age.

Jabu had always tried something new, outside his comfort zone. Some years ago, he trained as a Christian radio presenter. He only stopped presenting when the travel cost to the radio station became unsustainable.

He has also tried playing the piano – success was limited, possibly due to lack of consistency of practice. 😉

Tip 4 – Do things together

Identify things that both of you can do together and even try something new.

Jabu and I have always tried to do some things together. We try to shop together, walk together, cook together, eat together (even when I come back from a shift late at night, Jabu will be waiting), travel together (we had a recent amazing, faith-affirming trip to the Holy Land/Israel just before the pandemic hit – look out for a blog on this!)

Lately we have zeroed in on something we are both doing and enjoying: We now have an allotment! (Tave neka munda kedu). Our lives are not boring at all – one day we are at the allotment and the next we are having a weekly Bible Study with some good friends on Zoom.

Since last September, we have also started this blog which you now are reading. You will be surprised to find out how much our own marriage and family life is benefiting from retelling our story.

Tip 5 – Reignite that Romance

There is a sweet Shona saying that says “Rudo imoto unotopfutidzirwa” (Love is like a fire that needs fanning). Continue to take care of your “love plant”. Don’t forget that there were just two of you when you started the family. With the advent of children, some attention would have gone away from each other and shared with the children. Now you have the whole house to yourself, reignite that romance. Rewind and look at things you used to enjoy doing before the children were born.

Many studies have been carried out trying to gauge the level of marital satisfaction at each of marriage’s key moments. See the chart below from Dan Gilbert’s book, Stumbling on Happiness.

**Dan Gilbert : Stumbling on Happiness**

The most important graph – is not Study 1, 2, 3 or 4 but YOUR graph. Take a moment to sit down and draw your own graph. As you can see it covers every phase of the married life. As you prepare for the next phase is your lives, see what best you can do to increase your marital satisfaction

We hope you can glean something from the tips above. Thank you for reading! Until next time, God bless you and your family.