Category: Our Culture

Traditions and cultures

Categories
Our Culture Our Faith Our Relationship Parenting

Ingredients of a Happy Family Part 2

It is nice to see you back here.

If this is your first time here, we extend a very warm welcome to you. We suggest that you read our previous blog posts on this link Previous Blog Posts, to give you some background information and how we got to this point.

Last week we looked at the first three of the eight Ingredients of a Happy Family namely Commitment, Effective Communication and Love . A quick recap: –

  1. Commitment – putting family first. Every family member (including children) is responsible for the happiness of the family. There are no free riders.
  2. Effective Communication – a quotation from the Bible “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” would help all of us.
  3. Love – We hope you found time (if you had not already done so), to complete the 5 Love Languages quiz and that you now know the Love Languages of each member of your family.

Now we continue with the next three of the eight ingredients as per our own experience.

Appreciation

It is so easy to take each other for granted, especially after you have spent a long time together. We believe Appreciation is one of the key ingredients of a happy family. We found that it is particularly important to notice and acknowledge each family member’s role and contribuition in our family and show appreciation for them.

Right from the beginning, Jabu would take time to appreciate me and things that I did. You remember the denim bag with some goodies that I would take on our picnics during our courtship; he would show appreciation, and this gave me more drive to bring something new and delicious next time.

He also showed his appreciation of how I did my hair and how I dressed – at first, I was embarrassed but I got used it and he has continued to this day. Jabu appreciates the meals I prepare. He notices the small things. He appreciates how I mother Tim and Nomsa.

In turn, I show appreciation to him for many things. One that I appreciate is how he somehow never panics about situations – he always behaves level headed even in a heated or hostile environment. He tries to remove emotions from his assessments.

I also apprecaite how he is supportive of me and the children. Once each of us has decided on what path to follow, Jabu then takes the position of encouraging, advising, supporting to ensure that we all realise our potential. I do appreciate his wisdom in the challenges we face now and again.

Since recovering from Covid-19, Jabu noticed that I was nervous about going to work. From that time until now, he always sends me a audio of a song that he sings or a verse that he reads to encourage me. I greatly appreciate that.

We always verbalise our appreciation of each other. By the time Tim and Nomsa grew up and became aware of things , they found that “Thank you”, “Please” and “I’m sorry” were already part of the home vocabulary.

In Shona there is a saying that says “Kutenda kwakitsi kuri mumoyo.” (A cat shows its gratitude in the heart only) – we always try to go against this saying. As a result of regular appreciation that we all freely give and receive, we always try to please each family member through acts of kindness and small surprises, knowing that they will notice and appreciate it.

To our young friends out there, we urge you to show appreciation to your parents – the food you eat did not just miraculously end up on your plate – someone earned the money and then prepared that meal. Spend some time in the kitchen to appreciate how much effort preparing a meal takes and, in the process, you will learn some invaluable life skills of cooking.

From a Zimbabwean background, we show our appreciation to our own parents by joining our siblings in taking care of our parents, as there is no government welfare system to provide for them in their later years. Both Jabu and I are beneficiaries of sibling support through education – we also show both verbal and practical appreciation to our siblings for what they did for us.

Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

1 Timothy 5:8

As an activity we suggest that you show appreciation for your family member – spouse, child, parent, sibling. Be specific as you show your appreciation.

Respect

Another key ingredient for a happy family, is Respect for each member of the family. Even before we got married, we respected each other – when we set those boundaries during our courtship it showed that we respected each other and each other’s bodies.

At our wedding the marrying minister said “Jabulani and Vimbai you are forming a kingdom, where Jabulani will be king and Vimbai will be queen and God will be above you both”. This is what we have implemented in our home. When the “prince” and then the “princess” later joined our kingdom, the respect had been entrenched. Every member of the family is important and should be respected. (Parents, you should also respect your children)

Family should be the place of building up and not tearing each other down. As a family, we do not encourage competition amongst our children but cooperation. By so doing they will realise the synergy that comes from working together. Another saying comes to mind: –

If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together

Jabu, at home and in public, goes about showing how much he loves and is kind to me and the children. This makes me feel very respected. The way he respects me at home and in public sets the standard at how everyone respects me. I believe that you should not expect family and friends to respect you more, if your own spouse does not show you respect.

We always make family decisions after consulting each other and as the children grew into teenage years onwards, we started to involve them as well. By so doing it reinforces that everyone’s opinion is important and desired before the family comes to a decision.

In a conversation some time ago, Jabu made this profound statement “One thing that a man does not want, is to be compared with other men – this is a sign of disrespect”. I know when we as ladies are tempted to use comparison we will be trying to encourage and motivate our men. But be careful, it may backfire.

Forgiveness

We believe that marriage is a union of two imperfect people who make mistakes – loads of mistakes. Therefore, Forgiveness in one key ingredient to ensure we have a happy family.

We have noticed that someone can easily extend forgiveness to someone distant from them or even to stranger, but it feels a lot harder to forgive someone close. We all feel hurt more when we are hurt by someone close because we feel they should know better.

The old adage says “To err is human, but to forgive is divine” and how true this is.

Jabu and I have tried to model in our family that we ALL make mistakes and after realizing that we have wronged someone, we should quickly apologise. We have also encouraged that when one feels slighted and hurt, they should quickly highlight it. This does not always happen but you can quickly notice when one had just suddenly withdrawn into their shell. We try to sensitively probe to find out what the issue is. Most of the times it will be a simple misunderstanding. If the wrong has not been disclosed to the alleged perpetrator, they may be oblivious to the whole matter and may continue behaving as usual.

We encourage forgiveness in the family. However, sometimes the hurt from the issue may be so deep that counselling will be a path to follow to help resolve the issue. In the UK most will have access to professional counsellors. In Zimbabwe there is also an added extended family network and church ministers who are on hand to help. We have heard instances elsewhere where people have not forgiven someone for decades. We believe that issues should be resolved as soon as possible to ensure happiness in the home.

A common question that we have come across in our reading and at numerous marriage enrichment seminars was “Who benefits from forgiveness?” Resoundingly, the one granting the forgiveness has been found to be a beneficiary – this is so counterintuitive. By forgiving someone, you are not letting them off the hook. We have also found that forgiveness is a process and not an event; forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation; forgiveness does not mean forgetting.

We hope you are intrigued now to find out more about forgiveness. We encourage you to go ahead and do your own research on forgiveness. There are a lot of relationship books that cover this impotant topic and of course Google.

The Bible is full of stories where forgiveness was extended. The story of how Joseph forgave his own brothers stands out for us. Remember that he suffered so much at the hands of his brothers – abused, abandoned and sold to strangers. Some of you may not be familiar with this story, please google Genesis chapter 37 and follow the story.

As the story comes to an end, listen to how Joseph reassures his brothers who were not sure how genuine his forgiveness was.

But Joseph replied, “Don’t be afraid of me. Am I God, that I can punish you?  You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.  No, don’t be afraid. I will continue to take care of you and your children.” So he reassured them by speaking kindly to them.

Genesis 50:19-21

Joseph looked at the big pitcure. We pray that you will reflect on this story and extend that forgiveness to someone. Surviving Covid-19 has reminded us that today is the only day I am assured of and is the only day I can decide to take that action of forgiving someone. Life is just too short to continue holding to that unforgiveness.

That’s it for this week. We are now left with two final ingredients to a happy family and we will cover these next week. Jabu and I strongly believe that ALL families can become happier than they currently are. It takes commitment and effort from EVERY member of the family. Reading our story is good and we appreciate that, but what is most important is what you are going to put in place to make YOUR own family a happier family. Please share and subscribe.

See you next week.

Categories
Our Culture Our Faith Our Relationship

The Rest of the Wedding Day

We have just been married. Welcome! We are excited that you have joined us on this journey.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl), Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles, FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1 and The Wedding Day Part 2 For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

In the last week’s blog post, The Wedding Day Part 2, we covered the first three lessons we learnt in our marraige, these starting right on our weedding day. Now we continue…

It was time to go for some photos. We drove to Harare Gardens, some 4 miles away. The gardens, situated in the northern part of the city centre, normally had beautiful flowers throughout the year. Wim would walk through park daily on her way to work and took note of the nice spots. The gardens had a number of water features and well manicured lawns that would provide good backgrounds for photographs.

Reception

When we got back to the reception hall, it was already packed inside, and people had started eating. There was an overflow of guests, so others had to eat outside the hall.

We were served as soon as we took our seats on the high table – this was our first meal since very early in the morning. More importantly, it was our first meal as a newly wedded couple.

It was then time for the presents/gifts; Zimbabwean style. This is normally the highlight of a wedding reception. What a sight it was! The two sides were “competing” against each other in accumulating gifts and of course accompanied by dance – The Nyabanis vs The Mpofus. There was a lot of banter as the two families “competed”. Guests joined along in the celebration.

Gifts started flooding in starting with both sets of parents. At most weddings in Zimbabwe most of the gifts are announced. Next were our siblings coming in with their gifts. What a show it was. The generous gifts included two plane tickets to Victoria Falls for our honeymoon. Our respective churches brought their gifts and then the floor was open for everyone else to give their gifts.

Mabelreign Church ladies

The Nyabanis were singing “KwaNyabani kunogaiwa mari, semapepa” (The Nyabani are in charge of machines that print money) and “Nyabani zesa, kwaitamutinhimira wemaoresa” (There is something splendid happening at the Nyabanis)

The Nyabanis
The Mpofus

As the day concluded, it was time to find out who had won the friendly “competition” of accumalating gifts. After tallying, the Nyabanis had slightly beaten the Mpofus to come up tops.

Wim and I were pleasantly surprised at the total amount of money and presents people had given us on our wedding day. It was a show of pure love towards us. The Nyabanis gave generously – their total gifts were several times the roora/lobola I had paid several months earlier.

As the total amount was announced the Mpofus then broke into song “Jabu wedu, shoko, shoko; muchamuona achibuda; arimukati memaruva; Jabu wedu shoko shoko” (Our Jabu is now a rich man, you shall see him walk out among the flowers), followed by “Naye Vimbai uyu, naye kuChinhoyi, kaverevere; vanosara vachichema, isu taenda kuChinhoyi” (We have come to take Wim with us to Chinhoyi – you will remain crying for her while we take her to Chinhoyi)

Lesson 4: Be generous. Family and friends taught us this valuable lesson from the beginning of our relationship, to the wedding day and even until today. By God’s grace, we have done and continue to do our best to extend same generosity to our family, friends and even strangers.

We appreciated all the gifts that we got; we were amazed by people’s generosity and goodwill – some of the people who gave gifts were poor people, but so much rich in love. As Nomsa always says “Sharing is caring”. Reflecting on our lives, we have been beneficiaries of people’s generosity from our separate childhoods. We have committed that our family will be a generous family – we have done our best to impress the same principles on Tim and Nomsa.

Naye kuChinhoyi

Now it was time to take my new wife back home to Chinhoyi. According to our culture, a new wife had to be accompanied to her new husband’s home. Wim’s aunty (Ambuya), her best girl, younger sister, her younger brother and cousin accompanied her on this occasion. Ambuya was the one who had come with Wim when she came to Chinhoyi to meet my family earlier on.

Looking at the size of the travelling party planning to go to Chinhoyi, Wim’s other brother offered to assist with transport which we happily accepted. It was now getting dark so we had to leave quickly as he had to drive back immediately after dropping off the people in Chinhoyi.

We arrived in Chinhoyi late at night, but that did not dampen the spirits. My family, friends and neighbours who proceeded ahead of us were waiting for us. There was ululating and dancing as we got off our cars. Mum and my sisters had made preparations to welcome everyone. Food was quickly served for all guests.

Everyone was happy – absolutely elated. I couldn’t believe how well and smooth the day had turned out. Now I have brought my wife to my home; the home where I was born; where I had lost my mum. It was a very special occasion.

My Dad, as the patriarch of our family, who had became a Christian some four years earlier, prayed for all of us before everyone retired for bed. When praying, he used to talk to God as if he was talking to a friend. He concluded his prayer, with some broken Shona in his Ndebele accent “Handiti kuona munhu anonetsa muroora wangu” (I don’t want to see anyone who harasses my daughter-in-law). What a prayer and a blessing that was. This prayer did mark the welcoming of Wim to be a Mpofu.

As we entered our bedroom for the first time, it was our opportunity to reflect on the day that had just ended. We were both extremely exhausted after a long day – but very, very happy.

Wim’s reflections

“I had just married my best friend and I had the best day of my life. Now I was a Mpofu. It was hard to say good-bye to my Mum and Dad, and my siblings. As I bid farewell to them, I couldn’t hold back my tears; it was truly a bittersweet moment. I was very happy and looked forward to the new phase of our lives – Chinhoyi, here I come”.

We were awoken by a knock on the door very early in the morning. Ambuya wanted to inform me that the traditional cultural chores – sweeping the yard and preparing face bath water for all the Mpofus, had started, as per our culture. (I was not expected to take part as culturally, on this day I was VIP).

The face bath service involved preparing warm water and giving to your husband’s family. It is a token to introduce yourself to them as someone who has come to live alongside them. The family in turn would give money in appreciation of the service which Ambuya and her helpers would take and share amongst themselves.

The face bathing service was also extended to all of Jabu’s mentors and that lady who sponsored his Youth Bible Conference trip, in their own homes.

Ambuya and her team then prepared a meal for the Mpofus; we had brought our own ingredients as per culture. It was a festive environment with people reflecting on the events of the previous day.

After the meal, it was time for Ambuya and her party to return back to Harare.

We had asked one of Jabu’s mentors to oversee the money received on the wedding day. Mid morning on Monday, the mentor came to the house with the money – a lot of money. He must have picked up from our reaction that we didn’t know what to do with it. He offered to take the money to the bank for us, of which we quickly accepted. We asked him to take 10% of the money to church as a tithe, appreciating God’s blessing for our new home.

Later that day Jabu and I left for Harare as we were scheduled to fly out to Victoria Falls for our honeymoon the following day. When we got into our new flat, it felt so nice that this was now our new home. All the wedding presents had been piled on the floor. It was not long before we started opening some of the presents and reading the beautiful messages in the cards.

Lesson 5: Managing the cost of a wedding. Our wedding preparations were quite modest. We didn’t take on any debts to fund our wedding. This was largely due to support of our family and friends. (Thank you once again). As we were preparing for our wedding, we had decided that the purpose of our wedding was not to show off or compete with other previous weddings of our friends and peers.

To those planning a wedding, we advise that you work hard, save up as much as you can and do your best to spend within your means. Don’t forget that the wedding day is just one day, the main part is what comes after the wedding day i.e. the marriage. You don’t want to be stuck in debt for several years after the event.

In Zimbabwe, we think that it may be highly possible to have a debt free wedding. However, in the UK (and other western countries), the cost of a wedding is very high and it may be a challenge to have a debt free wedding. We want to compile a list of helpful tips on how to reduce the cost of a modern day wedding. We would kindly invite you to send us, in confidence, some tips you have found useful, read about or even sharing your own experience. Please use the Contact Us form. We will share these tips as part of next week’s blog.

Jabu and I had talked and read about marriage and relationships but there is nothing that can be compared with the actual experience itself. Now it was time for us to start living the life – the married life. What a better way to start than with a honeymoon. Next week’s blog will cover The Honeymoon and Early Days of Marriage. By the way also next week Wednesday is our 30th Wedding Anniversary! Praise the Lord.

Categories
Our Culture Our Relationship

FAQs & Wedding Preparation

Thank you for visiting our blog once again.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl) and Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families and Cultural Hurdles. For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

Last week we covered in some detail about the roora/lobola. Thank you for the feedback we continue to receive. As we expected, roora is a new cultural phenomenon to a substantial number of our readers.

We have also noticed that since moving to the UK sixteen years ago our own perception of roora has evolved. The answers below are our views and others may have different opinions.

In this blog post we start with the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) before we cover our Wedding Preparations.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

1. Is Roora still relevant in the 21st century

Answer: We feel that it still is. However this is dependent on where you now live. If you are in Zimbabwe, it is definitely still relevant. For those who have moved away from Zimbabwe and potentially are to marry across cultures, the relevancy is in decline.

2. Roora does not exist in my culture. Should I be expected to pay roora for my girlfriend if it’s part of her family’s culture?

Answer: We suggest that the two of you discuss this during courtship and that you try to understand what the roora means to your girlfriend/fiancee and her parents.

3. Is Roora Biblical?

Answer: Yes, there are instances in the Bible where gifts were given to parents of a wife. Jacob and Rachel comes to mind. We believe it was also cultural at the time.

4. I heard that one should not finish paying roora. Is this true?

Answer: We have heard about as well. However, we feel that your wife’s parents do expect you to finish paying roora. Therefore, we would yes go on and finish paying.

5. My husband just paid a little portion of the roora. How can I encourage him to pay the remainder?

Answer: We suggest that you find a right time to talk to your husband. If it is not possible you may ask your father or brothers to remind your husband via the munyayi. To the husband, we just want to remind you to consider how much roora means to your wife.

As a footnote, whilst in Zim, we witnessed a few occasions when the wife had sadly passed away before the roora had been paid in full. The wife’s family refused to be involved with anything to do with the funeral before the balance of the roora was paid in full. These situations were messy.

6. I feel that I was overcharged for roora/lobola. Is there anything I can do to redress this?

Answer: Not really, sorry. For those living in Zim there may be an opportunity to revisit the figures if the roora was charged in Zimbabwean dollars, which is no longer a valid currency.

7. What is the atmosphere in the room when the roora negotiations are taking place?

Answer: Generally the roora sessions are calm and friendly atmosphere. There may even be jokes and banter as the negotiation process unfolds. However, there are also situations when things have not gone as smoothly.

8. I am looking for a munyayi (go-between) – where can I find one.

Answer: You can identify people you trust who are good negotiators. If you struggle, then ask your girlfriend/fiancee’s parents (through an aunt or uncle) and they will happily provide one for you.

9. Why are the two key people (boy and girl) not allowed in the room when the deliberations are taking place?

Answer: This will ensure that you are not emotionally affected as the negotiations progress. Normally those in the room are looking after your interests.

10. If I cannot raise enough money for roora, should I not marry?

Answer: We suggest you take what you saved. It is all about negotiations. You going to the parents will show that you are a serious young man who is interested in their daughter.

11. Should the roora charges be proportional to the level of education or profession of the lady?

Answer: We say No. We don’t think that roora should be a return on investment. It is to bring the two families together and not to pay for anything.

12. My family and I do not own any cattle. How can I pay that part of the roora?

Answer: The cattle can easily be converted to cash. Normally the values are disclosed at the roora session.

13. Is it fair/right that parents can “sell” their daughter by demanding roora?

Answer: The girl is not being sold. This is not a financial transaction. Roora is about bringing the two families together. We know that a person is priceless – you cannot put a price tag on anyone.

That’s it for now. Let us go back on the journey.

Wedding Preparations

We did indeed clear the cultural hurdles in a spectacular fashion. We were happy and thanked God for the progress thus far. Jabu was very happy with how things had gone at the roora session.

The following weekend after the roora session, Jabu was back in Harare. We had a special picnic. We were now planning for the wedding!

Firstly, we had to pick the wedding date. We considered a couple of dates and ended up settling on the 2nd of December. Jabu’s family needed to communicate this proposed date to my family. We agreed to informally mention the date to each of our families.

The official communication would be delivered by the vanyayis (go-betweens) when they returned to my family, with the items that would meet the wedding pre-conditions.

Where would the wedding be – Chinhoyi or Harare? During this time in Zimbabwe, some people used to have two wedding receptions, one on either side of the families, with the final one normally hosted by the groom’s family.

We could not afford two receptions. Normally if it is one reception, it would at the bride’s side. Therefore, Harare it was. (Incidentally there was another wedding planned at Jabu’s Chinhoyi church on the 2nd of December as well).

The Mpofus would need overnight accommodation in Harare. (Hotels were unaffordable). Jabu approached a couple of friends and relatives and they were more than willing to open their homes for them. My new flat would also be available as I would be based at my brother’s place for the wedding day’s eve.

We needed a venue for the wedding. My church in Harare was under construction and not fully completed at the time. Jabu and I came up with a list of churches to approach to host our wedding and we prayed about it.

I wrote an application letter to our first choice – a beautiful church in Highlands, an eastern suburb of Harare. It was a perfect venue as it also had a hall which we could use later for the reception.

I wouldn’t take a chance on posting this letter. One day after work, I caught an Emergency Taxi (ET) to hand deliver the letter. By the time I got to the church, the office was closed and I dropped the letter through the door. I didn’t have an idea of how long it would take before we got a response.

We didn’t have long to wait. Some four days later, when I got home there was a letter waiting for me. My heart was in my mouth as I struggled to open the letter. As my eyes scanned the letter my eyes fell upon the words “we are happy to inform you that we are able to accommodate your wedding…” We had got it! That was the longest night I had as I waited to call Jabu first thing in the morning with the good news. We paid the deposit for the church and it was secured.

Next, we had to decide on a minister to officiate at our wedding. Jabu and I had discussed about potential marriage officers, and concluded that this was more dependent on their availability on our proposed wedding date. Marriage officers were generally scarce at the time.

Jabu and I visited one of our minister friend to get a contact number of one of the marriage officers we had identified. We were met with the news: the marriage officer was not available as he had just confirmed a booking to officiate at a wedding on the same day in Chinhoyi. Chinhoyi?

Then he suggested “Have you tried the conference president? He is a marriage officer as well”. Jabu personally knew the conference president, but he had not been on our list as we felt he generally had a tight schedule.

We got his phone number and walked to public phone box. Jabu called and I could hear one side of the conversation. After the initial greetings Jabu mentioned the reason for his call.

Then there was silence.

Jabu mouthed “He is checking his diary”. After some time that felt like eternity, he got back on the phone. I just heard Jabu say “Thank you Pastor. Thank you very much!” He had accepted our request!

We made an appointment for a counselling session with the minister and his wife, which we had a couple of weeks later. The minister asked if we had had any counselling sessions with our local pastors before.

Incidentally, when I had informed my local pastor of my relationship with Jabu and plans for marriage, he had asked to meet us. He had one counselling session with us.

At our counselling session with our marriage officer, the minister and his wife checked what we had covered with my local pastor and started from there. We discussed and covered a lot of subjects like effective communication, commitment, love, appreciation, roles in marriage, family finance, sex, conflict resolution etc. Jabu and I had read widely and discussed these subjects during our many picnics.

Since Jabu was living out of Harare it was not possible to have more than one session with minister and his wife – hence we covered so many topics at one session.

As we approached the end of our counselling session the minister advised us how he would conduct the wedding ceremony. He gave us generic copies of the wedding vows and gave us permission to add any words as long as the words on the generic vows were all included.

We were also blessed to secure the services of our favourite and popular all male singing group. My brother used to sing in this group and I had always wanted this group to sing at my wedding – even before I met Jabu! We were thrilled to know that they were available to sing on the day.

Bridal party? Family and friends had been key on our journey. We just decided the bridal party will come from our family and friends. Seeing that we both came from large families, we needed to compromise on who makes it onto the bridal party. We ensured that almost all our immediate families were represented by at least one member.

On looking back this worked quite well as there was no falling out amongst family members because of the bridal party selection.

Best man & Best girl – we had already decided on these two great friends of ours. We were happy that they kindly agreed to take these special positions for our wedding, as they did at our engagement party.

MC – another friend of ours was well placed for this role. He was also the MC at our engagement party where he had done a brilliant job. He had great sense of humour and could effortlessly hold a crowd with his wit. We were thrilled when he accepted our request.

For our wedding preparations we did not have any joint family planning meetings. With Jabu and his family in Chinhoyi, it was just impractical to arrange regular family planning meetings.

Jabu and I were therefore, responsible for the planning and coordination. Our sides of the family would communicate through us. We were then free to consult and request any necessary help. This streamlined arrangement worked well for us.

On looking back, this phase helped us in our strategising, listening and planning in our future home.

One thing we didn’t have to worry about in Zimbabwe was to compile a wedding guest list. All were invited! This was typical at the time. You would just send an invitation card to the whole church, family and friends; and then aim to cater for all of those who would come.

My brothers and sisters-in-law asked me what plans and resources we had in place for the wedding. They offered some substantial financial support, in addition to the morale support which started soon after Jabu paid roora. This was a massive help for us.

Equally Jabu’s siblings and their husbands offered some substantial financial support. Furthermore, since the wedding was away from Jabu’s home town, they offered to transport wedding guests from Chinhoyi to Harare. Notwithstanding, a clash of dates with another wedding in Chinhoyi, many people still wanted to come to our wedding.

One of our friends offered to pay for all the soft drinks to be used at the wedding.

These offers helped reduce financial pressure and relieved a massive burden off our shoulders. We were overwhelmed by such generosity cited here and much more. No one was obliged to give but gave from their love, anyway.

While Jabu was busy saving for the roora, I had also been busy saving for the wedding. I was starting to dream about my big day. I needed a wedding gown. I was faced with a question; should I buy the gown or hire one? My friend and I visited a number of wedding boutiques but I was not satisfied with what I saw – they were just not my style.

Later I got a reference from someone about a wedding gown for hire. Interestingly, the owner of the gown lived a couple of roads from our house.

One evening after work, I made an appointment to go and try the dress. As I looked myself in the mirror, I knew exactly that was the one for me – it didn’t need any adjustment whatsoever. Just perfect. I paid the deposit and was to collect the wedding gown two weeks before the wedding day.

All along I was checking with Jabu to ensure that his personal preparations were on also track – suit, shoes, shirt etc.

There was also some critical business of purchasing wedding rings. We went to the jewellery shop where Jabu had bought my engagement ring to looking for a matching one. We bought two beautiful wedding rings from this shop.

My sisters-in-law arranged a surprise kitchen party for me. I had attended a few of these before, but it is all different and special when it is yours. We had a great time and received a lot words of wisdom and counselling from the married and more matured ladies. I received lots of kitchen utensils as presents.

One of Jabu’s friends and mentor had moved to Harare from Chinhoyi. He arranged a surprise bachelor’s party for Jabu on a Sunday. However, that weekend was the one that Jabu had decided that he will not be coming to Harare. How are we going to bring him to Harare?

First thing Saturday morning, the mentor phoned the lady who sponsored Jabu to go to the Youth Bible Conference (check it in The Meeting blog) to tell Jabu when she meets him at church that he should come to Harare on Sunday without fail.

Jabu was confused. What was happening in Harare? He reluctantly came.

He later said that he had not attended, let alone, heard about a bachelor’s party before. It was hosted in a flat on the same block as my new flat. Jabu’s friends and a couple of pastors were there.

Stress? Preparing for our wedding was a stressful experience. We thank God for the contributions and support from our family and friends that massively relieved this stress.

One challenge we faced was planning a wedding whilst we were in separate locations with limited communication channels. Moving around Harare without dedicated transport was also a challenge.

Time flies when you are having fun. And busy. Soon it was late afternoon on Friday 30th November 1990, we both felt such great relief. We looked at our checklist for the last time and everything was in place. As the sun set we felt such peace in our hearts.

Next blog is on The Wedding Day Part 1. Thank you for being with us on the journey so far.

Categories
Our Culture Our Relationship

Cultural Hurdles

We are happy that you have made time to read our blog.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl) and Dating & Courtship and Meeting the Families For and introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

Now that we had met each other’s families, and the meetings had gone well, we were happy with what we saw, we continued earnestly with our marriage plans.

Since I was now staying in Chinhoyi, we missed our dates during this key period of our relationship. During the week, I would phone Wim at lunchtime. However, most of our communication was through writing each other letters. Oh, yes, letters – snail mail.

Most Fridays, I would catch a lift or bus to Harare to meet my Wim. Our dates were beginning to turn into “planning” meetings, but we ensured that we continued growing in our relationship.

Love is a plant that requires continual watering and caring. We continued with our picnics.

The Engagement

The next step we considered on our journey was engagement. Although we knew some of our friends who had held engagement parties, this was not an expectation in our culture at the time.

We had a frank discussion about whether we should also host a similar event. Considering our situation of limited resources (I was still a student), was it necessary to have one? Could this not be a distraction that would hinder us from reaching our ultimate goal as there were still other hurdles ahead? Would the money spent on the engagement not come in handy, for other expected future expenses?

We finally agreed that we would not want to miss this stage on our journey.

We set a date in April.

We had to keep costs low, so we planned for a modest engagement party.

Thankfully, Wim’s tete (aunty) kindly offered to host the engagement party.

We decided we would cater for thirty guests – close friends and family only.

Friends and mentors from Chinhoyi, with Tete and Babamukuru

It turned up to be a special event with the highlight being putting a beautiful engagement ring on Wim’s finger.

The next hurdle was a MASSIVE one, and I had to clear it on my own without Wim’s support.

Roora (Lobola)

Roora (known as lobola in Ndebele or dowry in other cultures).

This is one area where, as a young man in our culture, you are on your own. Your girlfriend/fiancée cannot help you or contribute to raising the money for the roora.

The roora indicates your commitment and shows that you will be able to take care of your future wife.

However, it had a big unknown – how much would the roora be?

We searched for indications or hints from Wim’s family as to how much the roora/lobola would be, but there were none. Even though other family members had gone through the roora/lobola process, there was no clear precedent for this as circumstances were different.

We reviewed the money I had been saving for this next phase and agreed on a projection that by the middle of the year I would have enough to initiate this next phase.

A couple of months after our engagement, we the Mpofus, sent word to the Nyabanis that we would like to come “kuzoroora” Wim – i.e. traditional marriage. The Nyabanis gave us a date in July.

The event was to take place on a Saturday evening. After church on the day, four of us were to drive in my friend’s Renault R4, from Chinhoyi to Harare for this special occasion.

Two of my friends and mentors were to lead the negotiations as go-betweens (vanyayis). These were mature, trusted men of high integrity with an impressive ability to negotiate. It is important to have people with “previous experience” to negotiate on your behalf at the roora, and these two definitely had loads.

To ensure that he was giving his boy his full blessings, my Dad said he would be coming with us. This was special and added to the significance of the whole occasion.

Just before leaving home, Dad sat the three of us down and asked how much I had saved for the roora. He then took some money and said, “Take this – add to your money”.

You don’t understand how special and touching this was. My Dad had been retired for a long time, but without a pension. He had worked as a domestic cook for several decades for this one family and only retired when the surviving mother of that family had been moved into a nursing home for full time care.

I still don’t know how Dad managed to save that amount of money he gave me on that day, but it meant so much to me.

When we arrived in Harare, we went straight to Wim’s tete’s place. Tete and her husband (Babamukuru) accompanied us on the final leg of our journey to the Nyabanis.

Upon our arrival, Wim quickly came to greet us and gave us a very warm welcome. She looked very happy and was smiling. She had a traditional head wrap on – she looked different but stunningly beautiful.

The plan was that my Dad and I were to remain in the car until the proceedings were finalised. My two vanyayis were to go in and negotiate on my behalf. I handed over the money I had to them. I informed them that I had a little extra money left with me and depending on how things go inside, we could replenish them.

They went in. After some fifteen minutes or so, Tete came out and said “Sekuru Mpofu (aka my Dad) should come in”.

Apparently when my two vanyayis entered the house and had been introduced, they advised that Sekuru Mpofu had also come. The Nyabanis insisted that it would not be proper that he should remain outside the house in the cold. Wim’s other brother and his family lived on the same block of flats. So, Dad was taken inside into the other flat, away from the deliberations, and made comfortable.

I was now alone in the car. But not for long.

After thirty or so minutes, Wim joined me in the car. She cheerfully announced that the deliberations had started.

Traditionally, her family would ask her if she knew these people (the vanyayis). As part of the ceremony, the bride has to pick up some of the money from a traditional bowl to indicate that she knows the people.This would give her family the permission to proceed with the process.

She had just completed this task. She was then asked to leave as the rest of the matter would proceed in her absence, as per our culture.

Now they were two of us in the car. She was happy. Chuffed to bits.

I was a bit apprehensive. Anxious. This was a massive hurdle and things could go either way.

Was the money we brought here enough to take us to the next stage – the wedding? I wondered.

Wim tried to cheer me up but that was difficult. I knew I was in great company, but my mind was not on the issues we were discussing.

Anyway, we will find out shortly, I thought.

Normally roora consists of some preliminary token charges and payments – these acknowledging and appreciating the parents for raising the young lady from childhood.

The main part of the roora is called “Rusambo” – represents the main monetary charge/contribution and “Danga” – representing a traditional gift of several cattle.

Normally, when the bride’s family advise what the Rusambo would be, the vanyayis would come out to discuss with those of us outside, to update, seek advice and agree the negotiation strategy going forward.

This is where I thought the money, I had left on me would then be handed over to my vanyayis and also get an indication of how things were progressing inside.

An hour had gone past. No sign of my vanyayis.

Two hours. Still no word from them.

Wim went back to the house to check progress. Quickly she came back with a wide smile. As she opened the door she said “It’s all over – they are done. I have been asked to come and get you so that my family can meet you”

Are you joking? I am not going anywhere on my own. I refused.

“Am I not going to be embarrassed? Maybe the amount of money I had for roora did not meet the requirements.” I thought.

“Please ask Babamukuru to come for”, I requested.

She came back with him.

“Makorokoto Babamudiki (Congratulations, young man!)” shouted the beaming and bearded Babamukuru. As I got out of the car, he gave me one of those bear hugs.

But where are my people – my two vanyayis? I could not make head or tail of what was happening.

On the way to the house we picked up my Dad and we made our way to the house with Babamukuru leading and we hesitantly entered the room. We were ushered to our seats, next to my two vanyayis.

The room was packed.

Introductions were made by one of Wim’s brothers introducing their side of the family. This was the first time I had met Wim’s Mum and Dad as they lived in the village. Wim’s aunt had also come all the way from the village where Wim spent her childhood.

Then one of my vanyayis introduced our side. He started with my Dad and then came to me with the words. “Uyu ndiye mukwasha wenyu” (And this is your son-in-law). This was music in my ears.

Yes, looks like we have cleared this massive hurdle! What a massive relief.

For most people in our culture, roora marks a full marriage and the couple may choose not to proceed to a white wedding ceremony.

However, I had so many unanswered questions.

What happened during the negotiations in that room and why didn’t the vanyayis come out for consultation with us? I wondered.

After the introductions we were ushered out of the room to Wim’s other brother’s flat where a delicious meal had been prepared for us. Over the meal my two vanyayis disclosed to my Dad and myself what had happened.

They handed over to me the booklet in which they had written the charges and payments. My eyes rushed straight to “Rusambo” and I couldn’t believe the figure that I saw.

Thank you the Nyabanis, I thought. This is what the traditional marriage is all about– it is about bringing the two families together and not to making life hard for the other party with exorbitant charges.

I will never forget that gesture that the Nyabanis extended towards us, the Mpofus that day.

“So why did you want us to come and consult when the money we had was sufficient?” one of the vanyayis joked with me as he laughed

The other one jumped in “We even asked if we could have their daughter’s hand in marriage (wedding) and they said Yes – conditions are at the bottom of that list”.

Normally these conditions would include things like you should have paid all of Rusambo, two of the cattle and bought clothing items for lady’s mum and dad etc.

We had cleared the final and most daunting hurdle! I went to pay roora and I came back with some change!

If I had wings, I could fly.

Wim’s take on proceedings

This day marked the fulfilment of my dream. Since moving to Harare, I had attended a number of weddings. The most exciting part for me was when the bride makes an entrance into the church; my heart would leap for joy, silently praying desiring that one day I would want to be the one.

Now the path had just opened for me to fully realise this dream. I was extremely overjoyed.

I was proud of my family for the spirit they had shown in the deliberations.

I couldn’t be prouder of Jabu for pulling this one off – saving so much money, in preparation for roora, in such a short space of time.

Later in our lives Jabu and I participated in a number of roora/lobola seesions – with Jabu chairing a couple of close family’s sessions.

Next blog will cover FAQs on Roora/Lobola (send your questions here Contact Us). We will also cover our Wedding Preparations.

Categories
Our Culture Our Relationship

Meeting the Families

Mawuya! Welcome back – we hope you had a good week.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl) and Dating & Courtship. For and introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

Jabu got the confirmation that he had secured an industrial placement in his hometown. This was the news we had been waiting for and it confirmed that we would now pursue our new plan of bringing marriage arrangements forward.

Now that the plan had been firmed up, it was time for Jabu to meet my family.

Meeting the Nyabanis

In our culture, I could not inform my brothers and sister-in-laws of my new boyfriend until we had firm plans for marriage. My sisters were aware of Jabu, but they had not met him yet.

I was staying with my brother and sister-in-law at the time. I looked for the right time when both of them would be home. After supper I asked if I would talk with them both in private.

I announced to them that “Ndine mukomana wangu (I have got a boyfriend) and I would like you to meet him.” There was some silence and I could not tell where this was going. Then my brother giggled and I could sense excitement from both of them.

“Tete, who is this lucky guy?”

I told them it was Jabu. My brother had briefly met Jabu only once before at a certain gathering and was not aware of anything at the time.

They agreed to meet him and proposed a date and time.

I was excited as I prepared for the day. I prepared a special vegetarian meal for my guests. Jabu was going to be accompanied by his friend.

On the day, my excitement levels were growing as the time approached. I left the house to go and meet Jabu and his friend.

When we got back, I was surprised to see that a cousin of mine had just turned up unannounced to show my brother his new wife. In Zimbabwe it is not unusual for people to turn up unannounced.

My heart sank. How is this going to unfold? I had planned for this day, but I felt I was losing control of things.

We entered and made our way into the living room. After some greetings, I introduced Jabu as my boyfriend to my brother and sister-in-law and to my cousin and his wife.

It was somewhat awkward – the conversations I had expected to take place were now superficial due to the presence of my cousin and his wife.

After the meal, we continued with the conversation. My cousin and his wife were not showing any sign of leaving. After some time, Jabu and his friend decided it was time for them leave as it was getting late.

When I got back from accompanying Jabu and his friend, my cousin and his wife were still there.

The meeting with the family had not gone according to plan. I was not happy.

Sometime later my cousin and his wife bid farewell and left.

My brother and sister-in-law and I looked at each other and burst into a hearty laugh. They had hoped get to know Jabu a little bit more.

They asked me some questions about Jabu. Fortunately, I had all the answers as Jabu and I had discussed many of these things before.

They asked about what our for the future plans for marriage were, and I told them what we had in mind.

Verdict from Jabu

Meeting the Nyabanis didn’t go according to plan. I had expected to get to know Wim’s brother and his family a little bit more, but did not get enough time to talk with them, due to the unexpected visitors who had turned up.

Nevertheless, now that I was known to her brother, I anticipated that other opportunities would present themselves.

And I was right.

Soon opportunities did present themselves. We got to discuss a lot of things, including that he was starting a business venture. I also noticed that he had an amazing sense of humour.

I also gathered how much of a generous person he was and how him and his younger brother had been supporting their younger siblings through school. I was impressed and could relate to that as I was also a beneficiary of my older sibling’s educational support.

Later on I would meet Wim’s other brother and his wife. I also met two of her sisters. Lovely family, the Nyabanis were.

Meeting the Mpofus

I had started an industrial placement in Chinhoyi, and things were moving according to plan. We set a date when Wim would visit to meet my family.

According to our culture, she had to be accompanied by a sister, aunt or a very close friend. In her case, she was to be accompanied by her aunty.

Wim had met one of my older sisters in Harare, who was doing a post-graduate nursing course.

With the date set, the travel arrangements were sorted.

I would be waiting for them at the Chinhoyi bus terminus on the Friday evening. I had advised Wim which bus to take and where they should come off.

At home everyone was excited. My dad and step mum (whom I shall refer to as Mum going forwards) were excited and made all the preparations. All the cleaning was done. The guest bedroom was smartly prepared. Three of my sisters were available for this visit.

Food was prepared.

My friends were aware of the visit and I was waiting to show them my girlfriend.

On the Friday evening, I drove to the bus terminus, to wait for my beloved and her aunty.

My good friend and mentor offered me his car, a beige Renault R4. He was so generous and always lent me his car when I needed it, such that people thought that it was MY car.

As the bus that I expected Wim to be in drove into the terminus, my heart skipped a beat. My girl is here!

But there was no sign of Wim and her aunty. I reasoned that they may have missed the bus. This was before the days of cell phones (mobile phones) and I had no other option but to wait for them patiently.

A couple of other buses came and still no Wim.

Has their bus broken down on the way? I wondered.

I was getting worried now. It was getting dark and I was getting concerned about their safety.

Where is this going? I didn’t move away.

Whilst lost in my thoughts, I was startled by a familiar voice.

“Mukoma, vaenzi vauya!” (Brother, your visitors have arrived!)

Apparently, Wim and her aunty had taken the bus as I had advised them. However, when the bus conductor shouted out that they had now arrived in Chinhoyi, they quickly disembarked. Then they realised that they had come off too early in the town centre and not at the terminus. They quickly thought of way around this.

Wim had the phone number of that lady who sponsored me to go to that Youth Bible Conference! (in The Meeting blog post). The lady directed Wim to her house and she sent her son to come and inform me that our guests were here!

By the time we got to my house it was so late into the night. Wim and her aunty were obviously tired. After quick introductions, they just had time to eat and rest. Of course, we managed to squeeze a few minutes for quick catch up.

Personally, I didn’t sleep much that night. I was so excited! My girlfriend has come to meet my people. Will she like them? Will they like her?

The next day, was church day. I was on cloud nine. The whole family walked to church.

You should have seen my smile as I introduced Wim to people. Most of the people had heard about her but had not met her yet. I noticed those approving and reassuring looks from my friends and adult church members.

After church, we walked back home, and it was time to meet the family properly. We sat down for a delicious meal.

My aunt, my late mum’s sister, arrived later that day. This was becoming huge!

My Dad was a quiet man, but I could tell that he was very happy.

My Mum and sisters made sure the guests were well fed. Everyone was happy. There were a lot of laughs. My family got to know Wim and they all seemed to like her so much. I was happy. Very happy.

Neighbours started coming and meeting Wim and her aunty – they didn’t need any invitation. That’s our way.

My friends and mentors also came to meet this lady they had heard so much about.

For me as I looked at this scene, I could just thank God for taking me thus far. It was at the same house I was born, lost my mum and now I am bringing my girlfriend…

Wim’s verdict

Jabu had told me a lot about his family and it was good to meet all those who could make it on this occasion.

He had mentioned about how his dad had taken care of them as a single parent for three years before he remarried, and I wanted to meet this gentleman. He was such a sweet, gentle, loving, kind and smart man. I noticed that he spoke Shona with a Ndebele accent.

Jabu’s step mum was so loving and kind – she extended great hospitality to me and my aunty.

His sisters were all lovely – they shared some jokes and we had a good time.

…

Things were moving swimmingly well. Everything was on track.

Looking ahead there were some cultural hurdles to be cleared cautiously. If we were not careful, these cultural huddles would derail the whole plan.

Next blog will be on Cultural Hurdles on our journey.

Please share this blog and subscribe. Don’t forget to leave a comment