Empty Nest

We are glad to be back after a couple of weeks hiatus. We come back refreshed. We hope you managed to find time to discuss your take on the Ingredients of a Happy Family, as per activity in our last blog post.

If this is your first time here, we extend a very warm welcome to you. We suggest that you read our previous blog posts on this link Previous Blog Posts, to give you some background information and how we got to this point.

Today we want to share our experiences as empty nesters. We think that in Zimbabwe due to the extended families etc, empty nests are quite rare. For the avoidance of doubt, by definition, an empty nest is when the children have all grown and left home and only parent(s) remain at home.

Yes, we are and we have been empty nesters for quite some time now. It has been a journey and in the process we have picked a number of lessons we will be sharing with you.

As children leave the home, parents are affected one way or another. Parents may react differently to this life changing moment. As we were preparing this blog, we asked each other how our empty nest impacted us and we affirmed that Jabu and I are affected almost the same way. If, as parents, you feel the effects differently, that is all normal and you will be able to support each other in this phase of your lives.

We mentioned in an earlier blog post that when we dropped Tim off at uni for the first time, we knew that our family life as we knew it then was going to change forever – we saw it coming. It is surprising that as parents sometimes we are taken by surprise by things that are inevitable. Our advice to fellow parents is – your nest is going to be empty at one time and you better prepare before your beloved birds fly the nest. The experience can be painful but there are some things as parents we can put in place to help us manage and adjust.

We also mentioned in an earlier blog that coming to the UK was the first time our family stayed as the four of us without any extended members of family. We built a strong relationship with each of our children as we spent more time together.

As our children left home, we had mixed feelings and emotions. One was that our children had now grown up to be able to live on their own; but on the other hand, were nervous and anxious how they will manage on their own. On one hand you are happy for raising a young adult, but there is also of tinge of deep sadness to see them leave. It was time for us to watch as we witness whether all those lessons taught had been learnt.

For us our nest did not empty all at once – Tim finished uni before Nomsa finished college. Then it happened in quick succession – Tim moved to London and after a few months Nomsa started uni. When we dropped Nomsa off at the University of Brighton for the first time, I could not hold my tears back. I was leaving my little girl on her own for the first time in my life. Jabu appeared strong but I know that deep down he was also sad.

This was the first time Jabu and I would be going back to an empty nest. After dropping Tim off in London on our way back, the five-hour drive back home on that day was not easy. After all those years I had spent with Nomsa doing the school runs and supporting her, it was sad to see her leave the house for the last time – very sad.

Thankfully we had discussed about this moment so many times and we appreciated it’s inevitability. From our own experiences and wider reading we have come up with some tips that have helped us manage and cope with our empty nest.

Tip 1 – Be aware that an Empty Nest is coming.

Don’t be taken by surprise. We encourage you not to make children the center of your relationship or communication – yes, they are key members of the family but they will soon fly the nest to start their own lives and families. You have to deliberately nurture your own relationship – invest time and effort into it; it is a worthwhile investment.

Tip 2 – Talk about it

Yes, talk about it with your spouse before it happens; read other people’s experiences. Freely discuss your anxieties and fears. If you are a single parent, talk with a trusted friend.  

Jabu and I freely shared our thoughts and feelings as Tim’s departure from home approached. As Nomsa left home, we were also careful not to put both of them under pressure of helping us deal with our anticipated loneliness and sadness.

Tip 3: Get Busy and Keep Busy

As the time of flying the nest approaches, look for something to keep you busy – those things that you always wanted to do but never got that time and opportunity to do.

Fortunately for me, as soon as Nomsa finished high school I embarked on studies of my own, which was a good distraction. As I was also working part-time and studying, I hardly had free time where my thoughts would wander. We also thank God we are in the UK where there are plenty of things to do at whatever age.

Jabu had always tried something new, outside his comfort zone. Some years ago, he trained as a Christian radio presenter. He only stopped presenting when the travel cost to the radio station became unsustainable.

He has also tried playing the piano – success was limited, possibly due to lack of consistency of practice. 😉

Tip 4 – Do things together

Identify things that both of you can do together and even try something new.

Jabu and I have always tried to do some things together. We try to shop together, walk together, cook together, eat together (even when I come back from a shift late at night, Jabu will be waiting), travel together (we had a recent amazing, faith-affirming trip to the Holy Land/Israel just before the pandemic hit – look out for a blog on this!)

Lately we have zeroed in on something we are both doing and enjoying: We now have an allotment!  (Tave neka munda kedu). Our lives are not boring at all – one day we are at the allotment and the next we are having a weekly Bible Study with some good friends on Zoom.

Since last September, we have also started this blog which you now are reading. You will be surprised to find out how much our own marriage and family life is benefiting from retelling our story.

Tip 5 – Reignite that Romance

There is a sweet Shona saying that says “Rudo imoto unotopfutidzirwa” (Love is like a fire that needs fanning). Continue to take care of your “love plant”. Don’t forget that there were just two of you when you started the family. With the advent of children, some attention would have gone away from each other and shared with the children. Now you have the whole house to yourself, reignite that romance. Rewind and look at things you used to enjoy doing before the children were born.

Many studies have been carried out trying to gauge the level of marital satisfaction at each of marriage’s key moments. See the chart below from Dan Gilbert’s book, Stumbling on Happiness.

The most important graph – is not Study 1, 2, 3 or 4 but YOUR graph. Take a moment to sit down and draw your own graph. As you can see it covers every phase of the married life. As you prepare for the next phase is your lives, see what best you can do to increase your marital satisfaction

We hope you can glean something from the tips above. Thank you for reading! Until next time, God bless you and your family.

---