Month: March 2021

Ingredients of a Happy Family Part 1

Post author By Jabu & Wim
Post date March 30, 2021
2 Comments on Ingredients of a Happy Family Part 1

Welcome back. Thank you very much for joining us on this journey and we greatly appreciate all your feedback. We hope the two previous blog posts on Money Matters have initiated discussions or introspection on your own attitude towards money and how you can best manage your money together.

If you happen to be struggling financially, we have decided to sign post you to UK charities which will help you deal with various money related challenges. (All these are free – you do not pay anything for the help and support you get).

www.stepchange.org

www.citizensadvise.org.uk

www.moneysavingexpert.com (not a charity but has loads of free helpful information)

From our experience and research in the UK, there is no debt problem that can not be resolved. It may be painful and can take a long, but it is doable. Even in Zimbabwe, if you run into serious debt, talk to someone you trust to help you resolve it.

If this is your first time on our blog, we suggest that you visit our previous blog posts on this link Previous Blog Posts

We continue …

Indeed, we do live in an instant world – everyone wants things to work out quickly. One question that we have come across is people genuinely asking what makes a happy family.

Recently we came across this quotation in a little book we were reading:

“Getting married is easy. Staying married is more difficult. Staying happily married for a lifetime would be considered among the fine arts.”
Hope for Today’s Families

We strongly believe that ALL families can be happier than they are at this moment. Over the years, we have learnt that, when it comes to family happiness, it takes some work, be intentional and you need some basic ingredients.

We will share with you what we have found to be some of the most important ingredients. Just like in preparing a meal, ingredients are key. These, in our view and experience, are the ingredients that we have found to be key to our family happiness. We encourage you as you read through ours, that you reflect on your own ingredients. We have identified 8 ingredients and here are the first 3 – in no particular order.

Commitment

Commitment started with Wim and me from the word go – determining that this marriage and family has to work, and we have to be happy. We appreciated that it would take deliberate effort, and we resolved to put in the graft to move in this direction. As mentioned in an earlier blog post, we are not there yet, and we are determined to continually improve our family relationship.

We believe that EVERY member of the family should be committed to make the family a happy place. Children should be taught and advised that they are not free riders and should contribute to the happiness of the family.

Commitment is about putting family first – everyone taking time to consider how their decisions will affect the other members of the family. They are concerned about one another’s welfare and happiness and seek to structure their lifestyle in ways that promote unity and harmony in the home. Healthy families are ones where everyone looks out for ways to serve others. We have mentioned how Wim has put her life on hold to ensure that the children get a good start in life.

One incident, that we have laughed at later but was not funny at the time, to show that one’s decision may affect the whole family. Whilst at college, Tim agreed to go to a New Year’s Eve party with some of his friends. When he broke the news, Wim and I were not too sure and we asked why he wanted to go. Reluctantly we allowed and asked what time he was expecting to come back home. (We thank God that even while at college, Tim would discuss these things with us other than disappear and go out)

We encouraged him to get a taxi as the event was due to end extremely late. Then it snowed that night. Wim and I were worried – we couldn’t sleep. The time of expected return came and went – no Tim. After waiting for over half an hour, we decided to call him. He answered immediately and explained that there were no taxis due to the snow and he had decided to walk home. I got dressed, drove and met him on the way and brought him home. I think Tim appreciated how much this inconvenienced us. From there on, he became more responsible and would be the one communicating if he is delayed. May we mention this to our young friends – when you go out, your parents do not sleep until they hear the clink of the door as you come back in – even when they have an early morning shift the next day. Please be considerate.

One thing that shows where your commitment is, is where you spend most of your time and effort. Recently, we were reading Stephen Covey’s book – 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. In it, Covey describes Habit 3 as Putting first things first. Under this Habit, he explains the Time Management Matrix with four Quadrants as shown below. We need to invest our time wisely if we are to have a successful relationship.

Quadrant II that refers to things that are Important but not Urgent. In this quadrant things are likely to be ignored as they are not urgent. However, when you put in the time and effort now, you will surely reap the benefits later. This covers things like planning, building relationships, prevention etc.

For example, when I go to walk 3-5km around Moor Park, even in the rain and wind,– I will be showing commitment to my family. Eating well is commitment to my family. You may not realise all the benefits now, but a healthy family member contributes to the happiness in that family. The healthier I am the less I am a burden to my family now or in the future. We encourage you (ourselves included) to look at the big picture.

Effective Communication

We have found this to be a particularly important ingredient for a happy family. There are so many resources to draw from when it comes to communication.

During our courtship we read about the 5 levels of communication in Nancy Van Pelt’s book To Have and To Hold. The 5 levels are Small Talk (Level 5), Factual Conversations, Ideas and Opinions, Feelings and Emotions and Deep Insight (Level 1). However, nothing compares to putting these into practice and checking where .

Over the years we have made our fair share of communication mistakes – e.g., not listening to the other person, speaking whilst emotional and immediately regretting it, talking whilst tired, talking too much, wrong timing of important discussions and decisions etc.

In our family, we have allowed each one of us to advise others if the time is not appropriate for serious discussion. One thing we have tried to put in place is to quickly make up after falling out. We encourage to say “Sorry” as soon as we realise we are in the wrong or have hurt someone. Wim and I have never shouted at each other – yes sometimes the urge to shout would come but we have always respected each other. We modelled this in our family, and we hope our children have learnt from it as both have now flown the nest.

Don’t get us wrong, in our family we have had some emotional, testy, candid discussions but these have been done in a civil and respectful way without name calling or any verbal abuse. All of us in our family have been and can be angry with each other or with situations; we can be frustrated – but no one feels at risk at such times, because we have allowed that these emotions can be safely expressed in our home, and necessary support given.

One thing I have learnt is that I shouldn’t be listening so that I could advise. Sometimes Wim is just sharing what she is feeling and wants to have a listening ear. Last year, I decided to become an adviser and consultant as Wim was communicating something emotional that she felt so strongly about. I genuinely thought that I needed to help her see the other side of the story. It didn’t go down very well. The lesson I learnt is that if Wim wants my advice, she will ask for it and not for me to assume that she needs it. Active listening comes in handy in such situations – i.e. remove distractions, maintain eye contact, use encouragers like (Hmmm, Ehe, etc) and respond just to show that you are following the story. I don’t know whether it is myth or fact, but I read somewhere that women have 3.5 words to men’s 1. If this is true, I would urge my brothers that one skill we all have to learn is active listening 😉. Also research shows that men sometimes get settled in the Factual Conversation level of communication (Level 4)

Wim: “How was your day, honey?”

Jabu: “Fine”

Wim thinks 🤔: “How can the whole day be summarized by a four letter word?”

So, another word to the brothers. Say something. You may need to quote Shakespeare, but please say something.

There should be level of intimacy in communication. Real intimacy starts at Level 3 (Ideas and Opinions). There should be intellectual intimacy – sharing thoughts, opinions, desires without sense of condemnation. Show genuine interest in what your family member is involved in so that you can have constructive and engaging conversations. Whilsts I am a engineer by profession I know a lot about nursing, pharmacy (BNF…😉), accounting and finance – just because that’s what my family is involved with every day.

We have also found out that effective communication leads to spiritual intimacy – you may not be on the same spiritual stage but you can stay on the journey together and encourage each other – you can share devotions etc. On looking back, we have seen that our spiritual stages have been different at different times. Be aware that spiritual growth takes place at different rates to different people. Allow each other time to grow and mature.

We found that as we shared our ideas, fears, hopes, feelings and emotions, we have grown closer to each other. We are both comfortable to be vulnerable in each other’s presence with the assurance that such personal issues are safe and will not be used against the other person.

Many times, I will be thinking of a certain thing and as I am about to say it, Wim says exactly what I was thinking. At first it felt spooky but now we enjoy it. This makes us feel that intimacy in our communication.

James, from Bible, has some wise words which we can all benefit from

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry
James 1:19

Love

We think this is one of the most abused word in the English language. It is so deep, but sometimes we seem to play with it. There is a lot to talk about love, but we have decided to start with what the Bible says in this well-known love chapter.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails… And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8, 13

Not a long time ago, we came across Dr Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages, who concludes from his many years of marriage counselling that love is expressed in any of these five languages: Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation and Receiving Gifts. (If you have not heard about this, please read about it and take the 5 Love Language quiz to identify your own love language – just Google it)

We have tried this in our own family and our verdict is, it works. My love language is split evenly between Physical Touch and Quality Time. (Those who know me appreciate how my “hug-o-meter” has been down as I miss all the hugs from family and friends due to covid restrictions).

Before coming across Dr Chapman’s love languages, I discovered that I had been expressing my love to Wim through the language I understand – physical touch and quality time. When Wim and I took the 5 Love Languages quiz separately, we discovered that Wim’s love language is Acts of Service. This helped me explain why she got stressed out and annoyed with unwashed dishes, untidy kitchen, things thrown around the house etc. To me Acts of Service does not come naturally.

I tried to change, as we always try with so many other things, to help improve our marriage. I deliberately made an effort to ensure that the kitchen sink is always clean before Wim comes home from work. Yes, me Jabu in the kitchen washing up. When it is time to prepare meals, I used to be watching TV whilst Wim was cooking, but now things have changed – both of us are together in the kitchen. This has greatly improved our relationship. It reduces the time we are both in the kitchen and we are not as tired when we sit down to eat the meal. I am so happy when I do these things as I can see that Wim feels loved, as I try to speak her love language fluently.

This is not limited to us as husband and wife but goes to Tim and Nomsa. Tim’s love language is Words of Affirmation while Nomsa’s one is Acts of Service, with Physical Touch a close second. A couple of weeks ago Nomsa, Wim and I sent Tim an engraved glass plaque following his start on a new job ending with the words “We are very proud of you”.

Nomsa always appreciates how Wim and I go out of our way to meet her needs. She cited how she misses her mum’s gluten (special dish) and the delicious meals that her mum prepared when she visits home. She also mentions the freshly baked scones that I deliver to her bedroom whilst she studies. We try our best to speak her language of Acts of Service fluently.

Nomsa also understands what Quality Time means to me, that is why she calls me almost every day for a chat.

That’s it for this week. We leave you with these two quotations we have found inspiring

The plant of love must be carefully nourished, else it will die. Every good principle must be cherished if we would have it thrive in the soul.
Adventist Home

Forgive and give as if it were your last opportunity. Love like there’s no tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes, love again.
Max Lucado

Next week we continue with some more ingredients to a happy family. Meanwhile please take time to review your own. Please subscribe and share with family and freinds. More love @ home!

Our Faith Our Relationship The Unexpected

Special Tribute to our “Queen of Love”

Post author By Jabu & Wim
Post date March 23, 2021
2 Comments on Special Tribute to our “Queen of Love”

Our hearts ache – yet again. We were not going post anything today due to our bereavement, but we have just decided to give you a glimpse of the life of this amazing lady we lost.

Today we celebrate the life of our “Queen of Love”, my Auntie (Mainini) Denia who sadly passed away on Sunday and was laid to rest today back home in Zimbabwe. (Mainini literally means little mother or mother’s younger sister).

From the tributes we saw as we followed the funeral service proceedings on Facebook live this morning, it appears that this lady touched so many lives.

When mum died when I was 8, Mainini Denia and her younger sister, between them shared the mothering responsibilities of myself and my 4 sisters. At this time, she was in her late-thirties, had five of her own children and had another one on the way. As we grew older, we then appreciated how the loss of her elder sister, my mum, may have been devasting to her as well.

She managed to find a place for all of us in her heart – she had such a BIG heart.

There are a lot of things we could write about Mainini but decided to settle on a few that exhibits her love.

In January 1975, Mainini offered to take my elder sister to live with her in Torwood, KweKwe and go to secondary school there as there was no secondary school for black children in Chinhoyi at the time. Then the following month of the same year, my mum suddenly passed away – collapse and died two days later. Mainini showed so much great love to us, embracing and comforting us as we mourned our loss – she also needed comforting, but she ensured that we were comforted first.

This lady believed in women empowerment, even before we heard about it from the wider world. She believed in educating both boys and girls. She believed that women can and should be independent and self-sufficient. She believed that women should use their heads and hands.

Though Babamudiki (her husband) was a school teacher, Mainini had entrepreneurial skills that she put to very good use. From her small kitchen, she ran a successful sewing business. Selling clothes (mainly dresses) to residents of the Steel Works in Torwood. This small business later grew to a couple of tuckshops/takeaways (in cavarans) and a store.

This reminds me of the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31:10-31 (Please take a moment to read this passage in the Bible).

So many words describe her – driven, determined, resilient, caring, manager, innovative/creative etc. On another visit later to her place, she mentioned to Wim and I that she had determined that from her sewing business, she would buy a brand new car. (Buying new cars were unheard of at the time). And sure enough, she did purchase it and it is the car that Wim and I rode after our wedding ceremony as we went to the park for photos.

During our childhood, Mainini would send for us now and again to come to Torwood to visit during the school holidays. Whilst there we were showered with so much love. A few days before our return to Chinhoyi, she would take us to a Bata shoe shop, kumaQ (a surburb in Torwood) and buy us a new pair of school shoes. This was special and the shoes would last for a couple of years. She would always encourage us on the importance of education.

Later on when I phoned her to inform her that I had found a girlfriend and were planning an engagement party, she said she will be attending the party and she did come. I remember her speech where she was encouraging Wim and I that the engagement is not the real deal, not the destination; we have to practice self-control until we get to the wedding day.

Wim’s view

I met Jabu’s Mainini for the first time at our engagement party. She was dressed so elegantly and was well spoken as she addressed the gathering. Jabu had told me a lot about her and how she had been a pillar of support for him and his siblings.

The next time I saw her was at our wedding day when she gave that great speech which she finished by saying “Ndinokugamuchira Vimbai. Ndinokuda chaizvo Vimbai.” (I welcome you Vimbai (i.e. to the Mpofus). I love you very much Vimbai). I was hooked by such love.

Three years ago, when my Dad died, we flew back to Zimbabwe. By the time we arrived in Marondera, Mainini was already there to comfort me and the family. On the day of the funeral, Mainini came and sat next to me and held me close. She supported me as we went for the body viewing and I could feel her strong arm of love around me. I felt so warmly loved and supported.

Every time we visited Zimbabwe on holiday, we made it a point that we would at least visit Mainini and her younger sister. The last time we visited Mainini, we had sent word through a third party that we will be visiting. Somehow the message did not get through to her. Our party showed up unannounced – six of us (our niece and nephew had come along).

“Jabu and Vimbai, where are you coming from?” she happily exclaimed with such a wide smile and gave us some hearty hugs. She was so happy to see us and her grandchildren and quickly enquired of what they were up to. She was unfazed by entertaining such a large party unexpectedly showing up.

“Adhala Jaa, (as she affectionately called Jabu) we need to look for something to eat. What do you want to eat?”

“Sadza” was the resounding response from our party.

“Electricity is there now but it will likely go out any time – so let’s start cooking now” she advised

As expected before getting the ingredients together, the electricity went off before we had started cooking. This lady was so organized – she had plan B. An open fire was going outside in no time. We cooked sadza as we chatted and caught up with things. You could feel love oozing in her words of advice and encouragement. Love begats love. She was happy to see us.

Final word from Jabu

In the twilight days of her life, Mainini developed this amazing and close relationship with my younger sister. They became besties and each’s confidant.

For those who knew her, the greatest tribute you can give to Mainini is to emulate her love. I know you also have your own stories to share, on how she touched your lives. (Disclaimer – I have not even shared what we have written with my sisters)

For those who had never met her, you may still extend love to those dear and close to you. Thank you for reading about our Mainini – a bulwark in our lives; always behind the scenes encouraging and praying for us.

I feel that Mainini can echo the words of Paul in 2 Timothy 4:7-8

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. And now the prize awaits me—the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing.
2 Timothy 4:7-8 NLT

One comment that stood out Facebook live today was – It was a life well lived. She was 85.

There is a prize for you as well. May the life of our “Queen of Love” inspire you to prepare for that prize. This IS what love looks like.

We solicit your prayers as we go through yet another loss. Thank you.

Family Finances Immigration Matters Our Faith Our Relationship

Money Matters – Part 2

Welcome back to our blog.

If this is your first time on our blog, we suggest that you you visit our previous blog posts on this link Previous Blog Posts

Apology

Apologies, we had advised that we will be sharing “30 lessons” we have learnt as we approached our 30th wedding anniversary. However, as we wrote the blog we saw that the lessons learnt so far will be way more than 30. We hope you don’t mind us going past the 30 limit! 😉

Now back to Money Matters Part 2

Indeed we entered the UK completely debt free – that included mortgage free.

As mentioned in a previous blog, I was blessed to get a job very soon after arriving in the UK.

Lesson 27 – We underestimated the cost of settling in the UK.

We were not prepared by what financially awaited us. We had not fully anticipated what was likely to come our way. Whilst we came debt free, we didn’t have any meaningful savings to help us settle. As I moved from London to Preston, thankfully my sister and brother-in-law were on hand to provide some financial support to help us settle.

Firstly, we needed a deposit for renting a house, which was more than a month’s rent – my sister and brother-in-law were on hand to help. Then there was the true cost of housing – rent, gas, electric, water, broadband, telephone and council tax.

Secondly, my job required me to travel and I needed a car urgently. Yes, you guessed it, my sister and brother-in-law lent me money to buy my first car in the UK – a red 1.2ltr Ford Fiesta; so modest compared to the company car, Nissan Hardbody Twin Cab (Yellow Flower) with 3.6ltr petrol engine I had back in Zimbabwe. Then I started to fully appreciate that the cost of owning a car is more than the cost of the car itself – fuel, car tax, insurance, MOT, service etc. In Zimbabwe my company would take care of all that.

When Wim and the kids arrived, we needed another car as Nomsa’s school was a long distance away from our house and was not on a direct bus route. We secured a bank loan to buy another car – thankfully my car allowance at my new workplace was enough to cover the loan repayment.

Generally, one area that took us some time to adjust was moving from a hyperinflationary environment to a place with low inflation – coming from a place where the interest on bank loans were around 150%, 19% looked like a bargain! It took us time even to appreciate the value of £1.

Another area where we had not fully appreciated the cost was Immigration Costs. From the time we came to the UK until we got settled status we parted with several thousands of pounds. We couldn’t believe the total amount when added everything up. We were not budgeting for these but putting them on credit cards.

Lesson 28: Review housing situation

Twelve months after renting our house, we were given notice as the landlord wanted to sell the house, he said. After mentioning the issue to our church pastor when he had visit us, he then suggested why we had not thought of buying our own house, rather than spending “dead money”, as he puts it. (This was the first time we had heard this term – which meant that by renting you are paying in money and that you will not have anything to show for it by the end of the tenancy).

We reasoned that we have just been in the UK for a year and we had not built up any credit history to qualify for a mortgage. He gave us contact details of a fellow church member, whom we didn’t know was a mortgage broker.

After some initial checks, the good news was that the mortgage broker, who has since become our very good friend, confirmed that we would qualify for a mortgage. We quickly looked for a house within our price range. We needed deposit – you are right again, we went to my sister and brother-in-law who made provision for us. Six months later we had moved into our own house in the UK. We thank God for His blessings – it happened a lot quicker than we had anticipated.

We know our situation was different from what others face. However, we encourage that you look at the options that are currently available, especially for first-time buyers like UK Government’s Help to Buy scheme etc. We also appreciate that in certain places like London, renting may be the most viable option as someone settles due to the astronomical cost of housing; but the bottom line is, review options available to you.

By the end of 18 months since arriving in the UK, we had built some substantial debt – car loan 1 (my sister), car loan 2 (bank), house deposit (my sister). Thankfully, our income was decent, and the loan repayments were not a problem.

Thank You

We feel that it may be an opportune time to publicly say Thank You to my sister and brother-in-law for the support they gave us to settle in the UK, as they have been part of our journey we are now sharing publicly. We continue to show our appreciation to them in private. They are a generous couple and their generosity continues even to this day.

After a couple of years since coming to the UK, we visited Zimbabwe and we had a wonderful time with family and friends. We had saved for this trip, so everything was ok.

Then tragedy struck. Within three months of our return from Zimbabwe, Wim lost her younger sister; less than 12 months later, we lost our nephew whom we used to live with (some people thought that he was Tim’s elder brother); a further 12 months, I lost my sister. We had to separately go back to Zimbabwe for the funerals – Tim went back with Wim for our nephew’s funeral.

Flying to Zim is not cheap and last minute tickets are even more expensive. We were not financially prepared for this. We put these costs on credit cards. Fortunately, we managed to secure 0% balance transfers which helped for limited times. Thankfully, I was getting promotions at work with associated salary increases and the repayments were manageable.

At one time some years later, we were planning to visit Zimbabwe for holiday. We bought our tickets directly from Air Zimbabwe. The airline office insisted on using debit card and not credit card (didn’t understand at the time why). A month before the trip, the airline went bust, stopped all flights from London and we lost the money. We had to rebook alternative flights and put the costs on credit cards again.

We were comfortable with the debt as it was manageable.

Lesson 29 – We needed an Emergency Fund

Another example showing the need of an emergency fund would come a couple of years later. We felt that our car still had a number of years of life left and we had just finished paying off the bank car loan. After MOT and service, the garage advised me that brake pads had worn out and were approaching legal limit.

In order to ensure that the car was safe and could last until the following year’s MOT and service, I arranged to have the brake pads replaced. After confirming that the work could be done whilst waiting, I took car in and waited for it to be fixed, as I had to attend an afternoon meeting in Warrington. As I drove out of the garage after the work, the car started sputtering, smoking and losing power. I even struggled to get home – just over 1 mile away. It could not be explained how work on the brake pads triggered such a serious engine problem. Unfortunately, the car could not be repaired – so we had paid for MOT, service and new brake pads and then scrap the car. Ouch!

Lesson 30 – Avoid Unnecessary Purchases

In our life in the UK, we have bought a number of useless stuff that we would regret later. We think the worst one was when scanning in an Argos catalogue we saw this on special offer – Cross trainer and Treadmill offer – pay nothing for 6 months etc. After discussing on why we needed this, we went for it – I think I was a little bit pushy on this one and Wim gave in.

This purchase caused us more problems than benefitted us. When the items were delivered, where would we keep them? From the photos in the catalogue, we had not fully appreciated the actual sizes of the items. You should have seen how crowded our dinning room became when they were delivered. This was by far our worst purchase ever (fortunately it was not very costly, but the mindset was in a wrong place). We eventually had to give away the equipment after they had hardly been used.

Back to our senses

Then we came back to our senses. The lightbulb moment came when we sat down and added all our debts. By this time our debt had increased to unbelievable levels – tens of thousands of pounds, but still manageable as my salary had been going up regularly through promotions and annual increases. We never struggled with the debt repayments, but it just felt so heavy and holding us down.

Then we decided to break the Parkinson’s Law (mentioned in the previous blog) which suggests that “Expenditure rises to meet income.”

The tide began to turn when we came across the website www.moneysavingexpert.com.

We started using the suggestions and links on that website. Our aim was to get to a point of debt free again. We had some quick steps to do

We had a family meeting with Tim and Nomsa where we informed them of our financial situation and what we were trying to do to get out of the situation. After recovering from the initial shock of money we owed, they quickly supported us.
We created an Emergency Fund – we started small. This was to cover things like unexpected breakdown of car, washing machine etc. Before this any financial shock would send us onto credit cards. Experts suggest that an emergency fund should be between 3 and 6 months expenses, but we feel that it should be more than that.
Improve Budgeting Effectiveness – A budget tells your money where to go, but sometimes we didn’t enforce that. Budgets should cover all expected/planned expenses e.g. monthly budgeted for one off regular annual.
We started what we coined CARD ATTACK. We would pay minimum payments on other cards and targeted one card where we threw all excess cash. (this is referred to, sometimes, as the snowball method). Since most of our credit card debts were on 0%, the order of attack was targeting credit card with the 0% offer expiring earliest. A couple of times we fell off the tracks but managed to get back on.
We moved away from the high end supermarkets to the discount supermarkets.
If we have not saved for anything, we would not buy it.

We would use the Martin Lewis’ Money Mantras from the website (skint is a British slang meaning – no money)

It worked!

Surprisingly, the changes highlighted above did not noticeably affect our standard of living. Our debts started coming down, and down and down. You should have seen our smiles as we looked at our spreadsheet monthly, with a pie-chart showing how much we were eating into the debt.

By this time Wim had finished uni and was working full time. We just threw everything at this debt. Within two years of putting our minds and efforts to it, we became 100% debt free.

We cannot believe the feeling – such a liberating feeling. No consumer debt – zero. Cars fully paid up. Only outstanding debt now is our mortgage, which we are now overpaying to finish it early.

Now we had an opportunity to look at some areas that we had never considered in the UK before – Investments (we will cover these later).

As you can see, this chapter is still work in progress but we are happy that we have managed to get back control of our finances by going back to the discipline that we had learnt over the years in Zimbabwe.

Lesson 31 – Helping Family Back Home

Wim and I believe that God blesses us so that we can bless others. Between us, we have a good number of siblings back in Zimbabwe. Economically, things have been hard in Zimbabwe with people facing everyday challenges for survival.

One thing we have witnessed since coming to the UK is that NONE of our siblings have ever asked for any financial help whatsoever. (I know – our case may be the exception). They all NEVER complain about their situation. We have received requests for help from other people – extended family and other acquaintances.

We have developed a system that we have found helpful.

In our budget, we have allowed a monthly provision to help support our families.
We join our siblings in supporting our parents back home and try to make their lives as comfortable as possible. At present, we have only two surviving parents – Wim’s mum and my mum.
Since our siblings NEVER ask for help, we try to keep our ears to the ground and look for areas and opportunities where we may be of assistance. Normally when we receive blessings, we look around to see how we can share that with family.
Where we can, we have tried to support in areas of education and support people become self-sufficient.
When someone asks for assistance, we are no longer embarrassed to say “We are sorry, we are not able to help at this time”. (Remember when we used to borrow money off our credit card to help someone)

Suggested Activity

We have told our story and how we have learnt our lessons – some of it the hard way. As an activity, we encourage you to discuss your debt situation. Normally there is a tendency to understate the total amount you owe – therefore it is important that you list everything down. Develop a plan to tackle your debt.

If you do not have any debts, good; try to find out better ways to manage and invest your money. Don’t forget that helping others is an effective way of investing.

This has been a long blog post – thank you for getting this far. Please share with others. Until next time, bye and God bless you.

Family Finances Our Faith Our Relationship

Money Matters – Part 1

We are glad you are here and thank you for reading our blog.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl), Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles, FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1 , The Wedding Day Part 2 , The Rest of the Wedding Day Honeymoon & Early Days 1, Honeymoon & Early Days 2 , Our Encounter with COVID-19, I’m Pregnant and Parenting – they don’t come with manuals, Parenting – they don’t come with manuals (cont) and Reflections from the youngest, Tim’s Musings, The Great Move. For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

Today we are tackling a subject that most people find uncomfortable, but which is so key in achieving happiness at home. Money Matters. We have learnt a lot over the 30 plus years of our marriage – from our own mistakes as well as while we observed others.

To cover our experiences to date, we will discuss this topic under two broad time periods – In Zimbabwe and In the UK. We hope that as we share our experiences it will initiate conversations in your relationships to review your own situations.

Early Years

As we mentioned in an earlier blog, Jabu and I extensively discussed money matters during our courtship. After some research and discussions, we decided that each person’s money will be OUR money – family’s money. We chose this model because we felt that as we got married we needed to be united in all matters including finances. We needed to work together from the word go. We do have a combination of joint bank accounts and personal accounts, well knowing that the money in there is available for the family.

We encourage those who are in a serious courtship to discuss money matters as research shows that this is a potential source of conflict in marriages. We urge you to have a calm, honest conversation where you freely discuss each other’s finances (including full disclosure of debt), goals, habits and anxieties.

We remember during our courtship we just had one book as a resource, but nowadays there is loads of information online. It is a worthwhile investment to your relationship and future marriage, to read, research and discuss this important subject to find out what suits you. There are many models out there, with their pros and cons.

When we started our family, Jabu was a student and I was the sole bread winner. My earnings and Jabu’s uni grant and loans was enough to sustain us. Thankfully, the gifts we received at our wedding helped make our life more comfortable, but not luxurious. What also helped us was the hope of what we anticipated our income would be once Jabu completes his studies and gets a job.

When Tim was born, our financial situation became a little more stretched. We needed a bigger place to live as we also needed to employ a nanny to help look after Tim whilst I was at work and Jabu at uni. Normally the nanny would live with us.

We had to live a frugal lifestyle and we were managing.

Lesson 25: Use a budget and live within your means

I bet you have heard about this many times – easier said than done, you would think. We found budgeting to be really helpful and key in managing our finances. Over the years we have further improved effectiveness of our budgeting as previously we realized that we had left out some important items.

In the early days our budget was tight with small or no wriggle room at all. Any small financial shock would throw us off. A couple of times we fell on hard times and literally ran out of money and food. I remember one instance where Jabu had to go to ask help from my brother to see us through to the end of the month. I didn’t support his action as I felt embarrassed – “What would my brother think?” I wondered. I couldn’t stop Jabu as he went anyway and got what we needed.

One thing to note is that even with a tight budget we ensured to put God first – tithe and offerings were always the first item on our budget. Tithing was something both of us had practiced from our youths – even before we started working. (Tithing is returning 10% of income back to God, through the church, to support God’s work). God has been faithful to us.

After Jabu’s post graduate training, he secured a job and we had to move to Chinhoyi – his hometown, where he was born and raised.

In Chinhoyi

Getting my first job in Chinhoyi was a game changer. There was a sudden increase in our income and the perks were good – free housing, free electricity. I could not believe the change in our situation – coming from the deprived high density Gadzema Section and now moving to the other side of the railway tracks – to the low-density suburbs.

I grew up during the tail end of the colonial rule in Zimbabwe and I remember the days when I could not walk, let alone live in that part of the town just because of the colour of my skin. I vividly remember a day when a security guard set a dog on my brother and I, because we were walking on the wrong side of the pavement by Sinoia Hotel.

Now that was me and my family moving into this “unreachable” area. God is good. Incidentally, the house we ended up staying at in Chinhoyi was adjacent to my high school where I did my A Levels (actually the house shared a fence/boundary with the school). For two years, I had walked past this house on my way from school back home to Gadzema Section – now it was us living in this house.

My Dad must have been a proud man.

Play time at Tim’s birthday party – Chinhoyi High School is in the background

Our family finances were stable in Chinhoyi.

Lesson 26: Avoid keeping up with the Joneses

One thing that we have always tried to do is not to “compete” with our peers, family or keeping up with the Joneses. From the start we have always viewed our situation to be unique and we felt that there was no value of comparing ourselves with others. For example, right from the beginning and for years our family had mainly been a one income household, with Wim working around raising our children. On reflection, we are very happy that we took that path, as Wim was always there to provide a steady hand at the key development stages of our children.

We know it can be tempting, but we encourage you discuss and agree your own journey from your own unique starting point. Obviously, you may get inspiration from other people’s journeys, but we found out that it helps to stick to yours.

It was whilst we were in Chinhoyi that I applied and was awarded a NORAD fellowship to go and study in Norway. Nomsa was born a few weeks before I left home for the 10-month post graduate course. It was hard to say goodbye to Wim and family at such a challenging time. Wim did a great job in looking after the children on her own, whilst I was away. God gave our children a great mother.

My stay in Norway was interrupted as I had to briefly return home when my Dad sadly passed away. I had a short time to see how my family was doing before I went back to finish my studies.

Financially, Norway was a great benefit for us, although I sorely missed Wim and the kids. Back home I was receiving full pay, whilst getting an additional allowance/stipend in Norway, in foreign currency. It was upon my return that we bought our first car – a biege Nissan B1600. By this time our friends and peers had been enjoying their own cars or company cars for years, but this did not unsettle us at all.

I remember an incident when I was going through my post graduate training in Harare, a certain church brother, who was a manager at his workplace, approached me advising that there was an engineering vacant position at his company, encouraging meto apply and emphasing that the position had a company car. I politely declined and thanked him for considering me, as I was already on my training. Tim, in his recent guest blog post, alluded to this as delayed gratification.

In Marondera

Less than a year after returning from Norway, I was seconded to act as District Manager in Marondera and eventually got the job when it was advertised. This was a big promotion and came with big responsibilities; I was in my early 30s. The position came with, in addition to other previous perks, a company car and fuel, with a generous private mileage allowance. As always, we knew it was a blessing from the Lord and we handled it that way. We also remembered that God would use us as channels to bless others – family, friends or even strangers. We had a memorable time in Marondera, using the resources now at our disposal to serve the Lord.

On the personal financial side, things were good. However, this was the first time we started using credit cards. We just saw our cost of living balloon increasing – lifestyle inflation. We were no longer as strict with our budgeting. Wim and I usually quoted a derivative of Parkinson Law to keep us on the straight and narrow.

Expenditure rises to meet income.
Derivative of Parkinson’s Law

The law asserts that “As you earn more money, your needs increase you end up spending more money.” For you to be financially successful, you need to break this law.

We could even borrow on the credit card to help others. I remember an incident that happened. One Sunday a certain church member came to our house and wanted to borrow some money, which he promised to repay the following week, indicating that his wife and children didn’t have anything to eat. Wim and I didn’t have any money to help. After the gentleman left, Wim and I reconsidred and decided to withdraw money from our credit card – a couple of hours later we drove to the man’s house. He was obviously not expecting us when we appeared at his place, only to discover that they were having a meal of sadza and chicken. We couldn’t believe it – this was not a meal of someone struggling. We gave the man the money nonetheless.

It was while at Marondera, that we started using credit cards. However, the credit card debt was small and would be repaid at the end of every month.

God continued to bless us immensely whilst at Marondera. After a couple of years, my company decided to dispose of their housing estate nationwide and offered the houses to sitting tenants – we grabbed the offer with both hands and got a mortgage for our house. (There is a story of how this unfolded and how God showed His faithfulness to us – to be shared later).

Later on, we would get another mortgage for another property in Harare. This happened very quickly. A good friend (the same one who would later inform us about HSMP), passed by our house announcing “Madzibaba (Man), we have just bought a house in Harare.” Apparently, a housing developer had got into agreement with our pension fund which would guarantee the deposit for the houses for employees meeting certain criteria. We had not heard about this housing scheme before and it just looked too good to be true. We took our usual cautious approach.

The next morning, I called another friend at Head Office, who confirmed existence of the scheme and that he had also secured a property there and the available properties were going fast. I immediately called Wim to get ready, took time off and we were in Harare within the hour. By the end of the day, we had signed the papers and awaiting mortgage application approval.

The country’s economy started going through hyperinflationary environment. Costs were going up literally daily. Food shortages were rampart. Thankfully, we were ok and could cope with the increases as my company tried to make salaries keep pace with inflation but that was almost an unwinnable battle.

Then the opportunity to emigrate to the UK came. We sold our car and some household property, repaid our credit cards, cleared our mortgages and left Zimbabwe 100% debt free!

How did the financial lessons and discipline we had learnt in Zimbabwe fare in the UK environment? They were tested to the limit or breaking point and we have learnt many lessons since; which we are happy to share them with you.

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