Category: Parenting

Welcome back. We are now on the third and final part of the eight Ingredients of a Happy Family. So far, we have covered:

1. Commitment (putting family first)
2. Effective Communication (active listening is a skill that we all need)
3. Love (by now you know the love language for each family member)
4. Appreciation (not taking each other for granted)
5. Respect (every member of the family needs respect)
6. Forgiveness (the one granting forgiveness benefits more)

If this is your first time here, we extend a very warm welcome to you. We suggest that you read our previous blog posts on this link Previous Blog Posts, to give you some background information and how we got to this point.

Now we go for the final two ingredients as per our experience. Please read until the end as there is an activity for you and your family.

Belief & Value System

As mentioned in an earlier blog, Wim and I met at a Bible Conference. Faith in God has been the foundation that we built on. This has helped shape our value system. It helped us set boundaries to our relationship from the beginning and as it grew.

We believe that as young people court with the intention to marry, the question of faith should be seriously discussed. Be sober as you discuss it. When two young hearts are madly in love with each other, they may feel that this is not an important subject, but from our experience, it is key. If you are from different faiths or have different value systems, consider how your children (if you are planning to have some) will be raised.

On the religious front, raising children in Zimbabwe was a lot easier as our children’s friends and peers also went to church. The Pathfinders group (a club similar to Scouts) was the place where the children would socialize and learn new life skills. On reflection we greatly appreciate all those teachers and instructors who taught our children during those formative years.

As we explained earlier, we were nervous about how relocating to the UK would impact the spiritual development of our children. As we surveyed the new environment, we indeed realized that we faced a formidable task. Wim and I continued to live our Christian values at home and outside and thereby set examples for our children. We have always tried to teach and train our children and Wim led in that so well. She was and continues to be a great mother to Tim and Nomsa.

In the UK, we would go for Wednesday prayer meeting together with our children. After many months, Tim and Nomsa asked the question “Dad why are we the only children coming to the Wednesday Prayer meeting?” (Back in Zimbabwe, there will be a lot more young than old people at the mid-week prayers). Wim and I reflected on this deep question.

We discovered that indeed the prayer meeting was not meeting the needs of our young children and they felt that they did not belong. We tried to reach out to other parents with similar age children; we discovered that for some families, due to mid-week commitments, Wednesday was not a good day for them and their children. We, as a group of parents, then came up with a Friday evening meeting for the young people. The topics to be discussed were young people focused. Tim and Nomsa stopped going for Wednesday Prayer meetings and attended the Friday evening meetings instead.

As the young children grew through their teenage years, they faced challenges of their own. Our prayer has always been that we help them develop their own faith rather than rely on mine and/or Wim’s – we found it not to be easy. When Nomsa indicated that she wanted to be baptized, I volunteered to teach the baptismal class.

We always welcomed any questions on faith and also made them free to voice any doubts and/or concerns they had with faith. I remember at one time on a one to one with Tim, he mentioned “Dad, you always talk about God and how He has worked in your life. I don’t seem to see or feel the same. I also need a testimony (story on how God has led me)” Wow! What a remark. I agreed – he needed his own testimony. I find the quotation below so true on the challenges the young people face.

Many, especially those who are young in the Christian life, are at times troubled with the suggestions of skepticism. There are in the Bible many things which they cannot explain, or even understand, and Satan employs these to shake their faith in the Scriptures as a revelation from God. They ask, “How shall I know the right way? If the Bible is indeed the word of God, how can I be freed from these doubts and perplexities?”

God never asks us to believe, without giving sufficient evidence upon which to base our faith. His existence, His character, the truthfulness of His word, are all established by testimony that appeals to our reason; and this testimony is abundant. Yet God has never removed the possibility of doubt. Our faith must rest upon evidence, not demonstration. Those who wish to doubt will have opportunity; while those who really desire to know the truth will find plenty of evidence on which to rest their faith. Steps to Christ

We agreed a plan of how we can support him to realise this. God did not disappoint. As shared in a previous blog we have seen how God’s Hand has since led both Tim and Nomsa in their lives.

As we approach any key decision in all our lives, we pray and fast as a family seeking God’s guidance. As soon as the prayer has been answered we quickly highlight to each other how God has answered that specific prayer – and we offer thanksgiving prayer. As a result we, as a family, have been making note of all answered prayers. When the children come to visit or we go down to visit them, we ALWAYS reflect on how the Lord has been answering our prayers. In the process we will be counting our blessings.

A family that prays together, stays together

As shared earlier in these “series”, as family members we may all be at different stages on our spiritual journey, we should support and encourage each other on this journey as long as we are moving in the same direction.

There may be some people who are reading this who do not believe in God or belong to any religion. We would encourage you to look at your own value system and see how best that system can help you achieve happiness in your home.

Play Together

We believe that Play is the glue that sticks the family together. Family life should be fun. A home should be a place where people laugh. When I met Jabu for the first time on our way to Nyazura, he appeared to be a very quiet and reserved person. It didn’t take long for me to realise that he was so much fun and had a great sense of humour. I just enjoyed his company.

We encourage young people as they date and court, to deliberately schedule time for fun.

Home life can be dreary at times – chores, work, homework and more chores. In our family we deliberately created time for fun – and it didn’t have to cost anything. We work with what we had. Children enjoy it when parents join in their games – their ball games, skipping rope etc. We participated in “chimuhwande hwande” (aka hide and seek). I remember Jabu used to provide entertainment at our children’s birthdays with his special dance. We also travelled with our fun – one day we are playing “chigubhu perere” in Nzwazi (Gwanda), the next time we are playing ball in Nyanga.

It is important that you do things that you all enjoy. As children grow the games change – the children may take turns to decide what type of games or activities the family is involved in. In our family we have settled for Nomsa as the official activity planner – she is so good at it.

As the children have grown we have realised that we have to make the best of our birthdays and holidays – they come over for our birthdays and we go down to them for theirs. Recently on Jabu’s birthday we visited the Malham Cove (what a beautiful and breathtaking walk we enjoyed) and a few weeks later we were boat riding on the Thames in London for Nomsa’s birthday.

From playing dunhu/chuti (dodgeball) on the green by the Lake Windermere to racing on the beach at Lytham-St Annes. We encourage that families make time and do something together. It is mainly during play time that memories are built and everyone will treasure for a long time. We are blessed that in Preston we live near so many beautiful places where we can have fun. Most of these visits do not cost much – just fuel and of course ice creams!

One other advantage of playing together is that your family will become healthy.

You will be surprised at how much laughing takes place in our home – when the four of us are in the house and we are on song, I think even our neigbours may be surprised on what is happening. Home should be a place where family members can put down their guard and be themselves. Jabu is not a “church elder” at home. He is a hubby and a daddy and an entertainer. It helps if family members have a sense of humour.

ACTIVITY

Now that we have covered our 8 Ingredients of a Happy Family, we know there are some ingredients that you may have in your family that we have not included in our list. Can you please share with us which ones constitute YOUR eight ingredients, that are missing from our list? We would love to hear from you.

As we close this 3 part series, we want to highlight that we believe that every home can be a happy home. The members of the family (parent(s) and children) are responsible for doing their best to make their home a happy home. We believe that even if things have gone pear-shaped (wrong), things are redeemable – ALL families can get better – can be happier.

Until next time “Bye”

It’s nice to have you back. We hope you took part in the activity that Nomsa suggested in her guest blog post last week. Thanks for your feedback which confirmed that you enjoyed reading Nomsa’s post. Please share with family and friends.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl), Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles, FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1 , The Wedding Day Part 2 , The Rest of the Wedding Day Honeymoon & Early Days 1, Honeymoon & Early Days 2 , Our Encounter with COVID-19, I’m Pregnant and Parenting – they don’t come with manuals, Parenting – they don’t come with manuals (cont) and Reflections from the youngest. For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

We are happy that this week we have our second guest blogger…

Hi there! It’s Tim here, the son of Jabulani and Wimbayi Mpofu, coming through with a feature on my favourite blog!

When my parents first expressed an interest in starting this blog to share and document their experiences, I thought it was a brilliant idea. Although my parents have never shied away from sharing their experiences with us, I always wondered about some of the detail and thought process behind some of their decisions. Indeed, I had heard many of their stories before (the one about how they met is an all-time classic) but I was especially interested in understanding more about how they navigated their relationship during the dating phase. That’s where the real juicy stuff is at, right?

Growing up, I always thought my parents started their life as adults. It’s only as I got older that I started to appreciate that once upon a time my parents were children, then teenagers, then young adults – you know, a similar growth path to my own. Learning from their experiences is invaluable.

Up to this point, you may be wondering what the theme of my guest blog will be. Well, that makes at least two of us! I have been delaying getting to the point as I really don’t know where to begin; there is so much to write about. And, I am now feeling the pressure – small. In fact, I have been contemplating what to write about for so long that Nomsa has finished the first draft of her feature and it is superb! An incredible reflective piece on the lessons she has learnt from the three of us. How can one top that?!

Although, it has just occurred to me, why my parents’ blog is indeed my favourite blog. It provides me with countless opportunities for reflection. I believe reflection is a fundamental part of personal growth. It enables us to explore and examine different aspects of ourselves which is important in gaining useful insights into our behaviours and thought processes. This helps us to move forward and develop as individuals.

Recently, I have spent a great deal of time reflecting about my career to date. I consider myself fortunate do be working in an industry that I enjoy, one that gives me a sense fulfilment and a feeling of purpose. But fun fact – this hasn’t always been the case. In fact, when I left university, I was insistent on never looking at another accounting or finance book again. Such was my disdain for the subject. So, what changed you may ask? Well, once the dust had settled, I took some time to reflect on my uni experience. This was something Dad (gently) encouraged me to do, as he could see that I was at my lowest point – I didn’t even want to attend my graduation ceremony. (cue picture of me smiling under duress at graduation)

It’s not uncommon to hear people say, “I wish someone had told me about this when I was younger”. Well, so I think I will share a couple of important pieces of advice my parents gave me before I started uni – that I then wilfully ignored, to my own detriment. Even though I ended up having to learn some of these the hard way whilst at university (sometimes experience is the best teacher), I still consider them to be life lessons that can be useful to anyone regardless of what stage they are in life.

“Be disciplined”.

Dad often shares a definition of the word discipline that he learnt from his high school teacher. “Discipline is doing what has to be done, when it has to be done, even if you don’t like doing it”. Sounds exactly like something a teacher would say before they go on to issue you with a disciplinary!

It never ceases to amaze me when I think about how much of a morning person I have now become. During my entire time at uni, I somehow managed to convince myself that it was impossible for anyone to do their best work in the early hours of the morning. I would frequently forgo essential study time in favour of either a lie-in or a late-night FIFA session with my flat mates (sometimes both).

When I think about this period, I realise that this was the only time in my life when I wasn’t a morning person, and unfortunately it showed in my grades. I underestimated the importance of routine. Looking back, I now realise the extent of my parent’s influence on my routine growing up. Several daily activities like prayer every morning and bedtime at a certain time had a positive impact on my day. The freedom vibes at uni had led me to neglect being disciplined in my work, health and my spirituality.

Of course, not everyone can be a morning person, however my personal advice would be to set a routine and be disciplined enough to stick to it.

“Avoid unnecessary distractions”.

Nomsa’s article in the Messenger which was included in a previous blog post is probably the gold standard in how to avoid unnecessary distractions. Unfortunately for me, she only went to uni after I had finished my studies!

My parents have always advised us against chasing temporary gratification whilst sacrificing future happiness. Often this is easier said than done. I have always enjoyed gaming, particularly FIFA. It didn’t take much to persuade me to get involved in a lengthy FIFA session. I remember one instance when I was working on an assignment with my group mates and we were struggling to solve a difficult problem. We resolved that the task was too challenging, and we needed to play some FIFA to release our collective creative energies. You can imagine how well we did in that assignment.

Being disciplined is important in avoiding unnecessary distractions. My personal advice – plan a reward for yourself after you have completed a challenging task. This can be anything that you enjoy doing. I find having something to look forward to really motivating, and fun is more fun when you know the work is out of the way!

Finally, I’ll leave you with a brief note on resilience – which I happened to learn after I had completed my university studies. My parents are quite possibly the most resilient people I know. They have so many stories that demonstrate this, and I am sure they will continue to share them on this blog from time to time. On the topic of university, I am always inspired by Mum’s story. From a young age, she always wanted to obtain a degree but never had the opportunity to do so. As soon as that opportunity was presented to her, and we had grown up enough to be independent, she pursued it and got her nursing degree in her 40s! What tenacity and determination.

Up until university, I hadn’t experienced any major setbacks in life. I had probably had it a bit too easy, which had led me to take many things for granted. But both my parents were there to support me and help me rebuild my good habits. And trust me, they will be the first to tell you that it wasn’t easy, and I can be very headstrong (I once claimed I would rather work at a fast-food restaurant for the rest of my life than work in a non-finance office job).

Bouncing back from any setback can be difficult. And it can also be difficult to maintain discipline and avoid distractions. However, it’s important to acknowledge that none of us are perfect and from time to time we will fall short. Try not to be hard on yourself when this happens and just take a moment of reflection and you will be surprised what you will learn about yourself.

Well, this has been fun! I think I’ll leave it here for now. But before I finish up, I would just like to leave you with my favourite verse that Mum taught me when I was in kindergarten.

I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength.

Phillipians 4:13

Have a good week everyone and catch you next time!

…

Wow! Thanks Tim for sharing your experiences – we as your parents also got an insight into your life at uni! We thank God you learnt your lessons – learning is a life long process – keep learning!

This is not the end; we are happy that Tim has agreed to come back later to share more experiences and lessons learnt to date, as he pursues a flourishing career, winning a number of awards in the process. We are so proud of his achievements to date. Watch this space.

Thanks to our two guest bloggers, Nomsa and Tim. A reminder of our statement when we started this Parenting section:

Parenting is the most challenging and the most rewarding job in the world. It is hard work.

Next week Wim and I are back as we share our experiences of how we prepared and are enjoying our Empty Nest.

A big welcome to our blog. This is a very special blog post … keep on reading!

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl), Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles, FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1 , The Wedding Day Part 2 , The Rest of the Wedding Day Honeymoon & Early Days 1, Honeymoon & Early Days 2 , Our Encounter with COVID-19, I’m Pregnant and Parenting – they don’t come with manuals, Parenting – they don’t come with manuals (cont). For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

We are excited to have our very first guest blogger. Please read until the end – there is a family challenge from our guest blogger …

Hi there! I’m Nomsa, 😊 the daughter of Jabulani and Wimbayi Mpofu. It goes without saying that I will be referring to them as Mum and Dad for the rest of this blog. I am so honoured to have been invited by them to feature on this blog and I’m super excited to be here.

I took a long time contemplating about what to write. As I was contemplating, I realised how much I have learnt from my family and I would like to share with you just the tip of an iceberg. I’m hoping to show you a little snippet into our lives and also encourage you to reflect on your own family or those closest to you to see what you have learnt/are learning from them. I am sharing this from my personal viewpoint, the viewpoint of the youngest member of the Mpofu family.

The Mpofu’s, also known as the Jabulanis, include Mum, Dad, my brother Tim, and myself. We really enjoy spending time together, and oh my goodness do we love to talk! If you were to stand outside our house on one of our chatty evenings, you may think they were at least 10 people in the house!  This of course can lead to a lot of loudness, but we really do love it!

In the current pandemic, physical time together, of course, has been more difficult to accomplish but we have been having plenty of video chats on WhatsApp. It almost feels like we are physically together. I remember one night we got so carried away and we had so much to share with each other that we started having separate conversations at the same time. Mum and I on one topic and Dad and Tim on a completely different subject. It obviously didn’t work and was very confusing, but it made us giggle how natural this was for us to do.

Today I want to go through what I have learnt from every individual of my bubbly, chatty and loud family. After all God gave us family, not just for companionship but also for character building, helping us to be the best we can be.

What I’ve learnt from Mum

With the energy that we all bring to the household, you can imagine that we often need someone to calm us down. Mum plays this crucial role; she is the peacemaker in our household. She really takes the time to listen and understand each person and their thoughts and actions. When conversations get heated, she can always see the perspective of each person involved and encourages us to understand also. I want to be like her in this way, seeking first to understand before I am understood.

Mum also has taught me the importance of making the time for those things which are important. When I was in primary school, mum sacrificed work opportunities to work around my schedule so she could drop me off at school and pick me up. During this time, we spent a lot of quality time together on our car journeys. She casually, but intentionally shared so much about God’s love for me. We would listen to sermons and songs from some Zimbabwean cassettes. I would happily listen and sing along, and this not only solidified my faith but also helped me maintain some of my culture and language. Mum was the one who taught me to sing and harmonize in those car rides; she would sing soprano and I would carefully follow her along in alto to make a beautiful melody.

We also spent a lot of time together in the kitchen, though I used to begrudgingly go, I really have wonderful memories in the kitchen. Mum and I would chat away as she gradually taught me how create delicious meals. In the kitchen Mum has this amazing ability to teach object lessons through everything. One example that sticks in my head was one Christmas day when she taught me the importance of perseverance in prayer whilst whipping cream for my banoffee pie. No matter how much I whipped my cream it wouldn’t stiffen, just as I was about to give up, I gave it one more try, and it suddenly stiffened. “It’s just like prayer, you shouldn’t give up, you never know when you might get an answer” she said casually.

These are just a handful of the attributes I would like to nurture in myself too as I continue to grow.

What I’ve learnt from Dad

“To a child love is spelled t-i-m-e”. Dad loves this quote, and it makes sense because he really lives by it. Dad takes every opportunity to spend time with me and that makes me feel really valued and loved. He affectionately calls me “Sweeto”.

Back in my university days as the new semester was starting, Dad and I would leave Preston at 5am and make the 5/6 hour journey to Brighton. I would always make sure to stay awake because I didn’t want Dad to be driving “alone”. It paid off – these journeys were amazing! We had the best chats about everything and anything. After Dad dropped me off at uni at about 11am by 11:30/12:00 he would be back on the motorway heading back home, another 6-hour drive. Now as a driver, I find it difficult to understand how he physically did this, but sure enough he did. It showed me that he loved my company, he wanted to spend time with me, and would sacrifice sleep and comfort just for me.

Even during the pandemic, we are still making time for father daughter dates. I love Korean dramas and I once asked Dad to watch a series or two with me. Surprisingly, he said yes, and we have now made it a nice habit. Whilst we are in different cities we go online together and hit the play button at the same time with our video calls on, this way we can watch and react together. It’s a lot of fun and great way to spend time together. I love how he took the time to dive into my interests also without any reservations. What a cool Dad eyyy. 

In our household I believe I may very well be the most emotional. It often works out that when I’ve had a tough day and I have a call with Dad it all just comes out. On both my bad and good days Dad is always there to listen. He has really put up with a lot of my sobbing over the years. He doesn’t try to solve anything or give profound advice in that moment; he just listens and lets me offload. After each of these moments I always feel so much better. I really appreciate how open and vulnerable I can be with him.

Mum often says that Dad and I are just way too similar. Because of this there are times when we don’t always agree and struggle to see each others perspective. (Mum comes in handy in these situations as noted above) But my Dad is the humblest person I know. Even when he is clearly in the right, after those hard conversations he still reaches out the hand of reconciliation first. He has taught me the importance of taking time to reflect, evaluating my behaviours, and saying those very difficult words, “I was wrong” and “I am sorry”.

What I’ve learnt from Tim

Tim and I are so similar and yet so different! I love talking about Tim because just thinking about him makes me so happy. Even with all our differences we really do get on like a house on fire and I couldn’t ask for a better brother. I am grateful to Mum and Dad because I think they have taught us through their actions how to love each other. I think Tim may just be the most talkative out of all four of us, and that’s saying something. We could have a conversation for 3 hours and it would feel like 10 minutes!

I appreciate how my brother makes time for me; when I need him, he is there. Whether it’s a quick call asking how the phrase an important email, help with revision, or just to chat, he makes the time. I like how, when I need a place to stay in London, whether it’s for an interview, a flight or another appointment, I can just ask Tim to spend a night or two at his studio apartment and he makes it happen.

During a time when I was having some interviews in London, Tim would open his place to me and would help me with last minute preparations whilst effortlessly keeping me calm. This is a big ask because I do tend to worry but my brother knows exactly what to say and do to keep me calm. Even I don’t know how he does but his presence is just so reassuring to me. If there is anyone I know will  always be in my corner cheering me on, celebrating every success as well as lifting me up when it doesn’t go according to plan, it’s my brother.

Tim has taught me how to be generous, not only with my resources but also with my time, skills and love.  I want to be generous just like him.

Another thing that I have learnt about Tim, in the past few years especially, is how much he listens, like really listen. Tim and I are often having our debates and really challenging our thought processes and ideas. At the end of the conversation, I would be convinced Tim made up his mind and was unmoveable on his point, so naturally we would agree to disagree and move on. Then, months or even years down the line, Tim will accurately quote our conversation word for word and state how he has been pondering it and how his thoughts have shifted. It always amazes me. I want to be more like Tim in this way, to constantly be analysing my thoughts and not afraid to change my mind.

After one of my achievements one day, Tim, who is 4 years older than me, made a funny joke in our family group chat and said “When I grow up, I want to be like Nomsa.” Well, that’s ironic because when I “grow up” I want to be like Tim, Dad and Mum.

I am so grateful to God for giving me this family. Family life is not always easy, these are the people who see you at your best and at your worst but are still stuck with you. They know you fully and still love you deeply.

This week’s challenge

I challenge you this week to go through the people in your family or those closest to you and take some time to write down what you have learnt from each of them. Reflect on how God has placed these people in your life and how they have helped you in becoming the person you are today.

…

Wow! Thank you Nomsa for such an inspiring blog post.

Tim is not going to be left out – he has agreed to write next week’s blog post. I bet you wouldn’t want to miss it!

Please share and subscribe to our blog. Thanks for taking time to read.

We are back. Our hearts are aching – the pain is unbearable. I lost my elder sister to Covid-19 – gone so soon; so healthy and so full of life. I am feeling so devastated. Jabu and the children are equally devastated by this massive loss.

We are trying to find comfort and hope in the Word of God. Thank you to all of you who have been praying for us and please continue to pray for us, as we try to come to terms with this loss.

The last enemy to be destroyed is death

1 Corinthians 15:26

God willing, we will share our experiences and pay tribute to this amazing lady in a future blog.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl), Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles, FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1 , The Wedding Day Part 2 , The Rest of the Wedding Day Honeymoon & Early Days 1, Honeymoon & Early Days 2 , Our Encounter with COVID-19, I’m Pregnant and Parenting – they don’t come with manuals. For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

Parenting is the most challenging and the most rewarding job in the world. It is hard work.

In the last blog we looked at parenting young children and teenagers. In this blog we will share our experiences of parenting young adults and parenting adults. As we stated in our last blog, we are no experts in this field but we have decided to share our experiences on our ongoing parenting journey.

Parenting Young Adults

We found parenting young adults to be an emotionally challenging time. As the children were leaving the family home, we were worried and scared on how they would cope. All the restrictions of the home are now gone – how would they fare?

Parenting Uni students was a different ball game. As a parent you feel that your oversight is no longer there. You watch whether the lessons taught in childhood and the teenage years have been successful or not. It is an anxious time, but acceptable part of the growing pains.

Knowing how wild the university lives could be, how would your children cope with the influence and the attractions at uni? You are not sure how enduring the bonds of friendship and trust you have built with your children would hold. Will they still trust our judgement as parents?

The day Tim left for university, we knew that our family was moving into a new and completely different phase. This was the first time that our well bonded group of four would be splitting up. Will he be able cook? Will be able to manage his daily schedule without our support or nudging? Have we done enough to raise him to be able to manage independently?- that same question continued to bother us. Fortunately for us, Tim chose a Uni not far from home, 20mins drive, and we would see him almost every weekend when he came to Preston for church services.

As we dropped Tim off at uni for the first time, we also noted that this was the beginning of our empty nest. It was just a matter of time before Nomsa would leave home for Uni as well. Nomsa chose a Uni as far south as she could go away from home – 5hrs drive on a good day. We always joked that she was nearer to Paris than back home in Preston. However, she made up for her long distance by calling home almost every day for the four years she was at Uni. Nomsa was a good cook and was well domesticated – so we did not have any worries in that area.

On reflection, it seems like this was the time when we started praying more for our children – for their protection, their studies, their friends etc.

In 2017, Nomsa wrote an article for a freind’s blog, on her first year at uni. The article eventually found its way to our church’s monthly magazine for the British Isles The Messenger. This was a special article and we encourage all parents to share with their children as they prepare to go to uni or are already at uni.

Please read Nomsa’s Article

Parenting Adults

We are newbies in this area, but we have gone through the transition. The transition was not easy – we had to remind ourselves that Tim and Nomsa were no longer young children. In the beginning Wim and I would regularly review how we were treating them – just checking whether we were overreaching or not. We tried to ensure that we would now take and treat them as peers – interestingly some of our own work colleagues are the same age as our children, if not younger.

We feel so much blessed that both Tim and Nomsa take us as their sounding boards for some key decisions in their lives. They do consult us, and we freely give our advice. We are aware that our advice is just that, advice – it can be taken or declined, but it would have given us an opportunity to extensively discuss the pros and cons of available options.

Beware of controlling your parental instinct of protection – this may lead to closing the channels of communication and losing out on the front row seat. I recently experienced that, and it took me some time and effort to wrestle back my front row seat.

Unlike during our courtship where our own parents may have been the last ones to know, now as parents we would want to be the first ones to know of relationships our children get involved in. As your adult children get into relationships, it is exciting times. Watch this space for the juicy stuff brewing!

During this phase of our children’s lives, we keep up to date with their professional lives. You genuinely have to be interested and keep yourself abreast of developments in their fields, so that your discussions are fruitful and beneficial to both parties.

Lessons we learnt and are still learning during these final two phases of parenting

Lesson 16: Treat them as Adults

Your children are now adults and treat them as such. Respect their privacy – it is hard as parents, but they deserve it. Don’t pry into their affairs but show interest and be available should you be needed. Be prepared to learn new things from your children as you develop your trusting relationship.

Lesson 17: Be deliberate in getting times for bonding

I remember those long drives I had with Nomsa, either to drop her off at uni or to pick her up for the uni holidays. We spent some quality time during those 5 hour drives.

One thing that we have “accidentally” come up with as a family are the 1 to 1 conversations we manage to create when the children visit home. They take turns to join each of us wherever we are – one will be in the kitchen while the other is in the front room and then they seamlessly change over. One time four of us will be together and then the next time another different pairing is created. I don’t how the children do it, but we love it. By the end of the visit, Wim and I will be comparing notes on what we have heard from each child – these are special moments for us as parents. As expected Wim will be having more details in certain areas than me and vice versa.

Lesson 18: Be interested in your children’s studies and lives.

Studies can be challenging, and it is highly likely that your children will be studying subjects that you are not familiar with. Nonetheless, do your best to understand their area of study at a high level so that your conversations and encouragement may be on point. Actually, your children will be impressed by the effort you make in learning more about their studies.

Be there for them as they face different challenges with difficult housemates, work colleagues or bosses. Try your best to relieve the pressures. I remember one day, from our nightly telephone conversations, we gathered that Nomsa was stressing more than normal – she was on call at work and was also preparing for her impending professional exams. Early the next morning we called to inform her that we were on our way to take her out for a meal during her study break. In two hours time we announced our arrival in the town. Wim and I went for a walk in the park while we awaited our dinner appointment. We saw her just for under two hours, but she appreciated it very much, and we really enjoyed our time together.

Lesson 19: Make the best of birthdays and holidays

In our children’s early childhood, Wim and I unconsciously ensured that we had a birthday party for our children. (Possibly it was to make up for birthday parties we didn’t have in our own childhoods.) As our children grew to be young adults and moved away from home we noticed birthdays would be times when we would meet up. Tim and Nomsa tend to come back home for our birthdays and we would visit them for theirs. These get togethers are always special with Nomsa taking the role of the family’s activities planner, which she is so good at.

We have managed to squeeze a couple of family holidays as the children grew. In Zimbabwe we used to have regular family holidays to various holiday resorts. When we came to the UK we continued with that tradition. In the UK most people do go away on holiday, usually in the summer. A couple of years ago I was blessed to take my family to a holiday around Norway, where I had spent some time studying when the children were young. Verdict from the family was – it was the best family holiday to date.

As parents, we are blessed that Tim and Nomsa get along extremely well and they genuinely love each other. A couple of years ago Tim and Nomsa announced that they will be going on holiday together to Croatia. On their return Big Bro pleasantly surprised little Sis that he would pay all expenses for the holiday. We are very happy for their relationship and we always encourage them to do everything to enhance the relationship.

Lesson 20: Be there for the important and key moments

Wim and I want our life to be about making and sharing memories with loved ones, especially our children. We have made it a point to be at our children’s key moments and we are blessed to say that we have had so many and look forward to some more in future e.g. first day at school, first day at uni, placements, graduations, first day at work, house moves etc. We have been to certain parts of the UK that we would not even think of visiting were it not for Nomsa studying or living there – Brighton, Weston Super Mare, Doncaster, Guildford. Tim was more predictable in this sense – Lancaster, Preston, London. Wim and I enjoyed driving to all these places.

Lesson 21: Support children through failure

Unless you do absolutely nothing, you are bound to meet failure along the way. Failure is an area that Wim and I tried to prepare our children for and we supported them when it came. As parents we fight so hard to help them maintain their confidence as they face failure. Thankfully, academically both didn’t struggle with their studies – however both would agree that there are instances when they could have done better. A couple of examples of failures that our children faced and how they showed their resilience are:-

Tim

After graduating at uni, Tim struggled with the final stages of the graduate scheme interviews. The early stages would go well until the final hurdle. He kept on at it – he never gave up. During this time, he was at a teachable level and wanted to find out how he could get through the final assessment centres.

His breakthrough came when he got close and communicated with a senior manager at a place he was working on a temporary basis. The senior manager took him under his wing and mentored him as he prepared for his next application and interview. In his own words Tim said “This was a game changer. I still apply the principles he shared with me to many different situations in life. ”. The valuable lessons he learnt during this brief mentoring period catapulted him to success and became a launching pad for his professional advancement.

Nomsa

After several driving lessons, Nomsa had a driving test on her last day at uni. By the time we got to Brighton with van to pick her up, she had just failed her driving test. She was disappointed but not distraught. On our way back home she was looking at options to take a re-test. She quickly conceived a plan which she negotiated with us as we drove back – I would teach her to drive, using her mother’s car. The available driving test slot was at centre some 30mins away from Preston, which she booked. After a number of lessons in Preston and at the test centre she passed her driving test. She showed resilience, grit and determination. For the record Nomsa and I didn’t fall out as I took her through the driving lessons – if anything we got even closer together.

Our parenting journey continues…

Next week is a special blog – we have a guest blogger. One of our offspring will write next week’s blog. I bet you don’t want to miss that. Please subscribe and share with others.