Parenting – they don’t come with manuals (cont)

We are back. Our hearts are aching – the pain is unbearable. I lost my elder sister to Covid-19 – gone so soon; so healthy and so full of life. I am feeling so devastated. Jabu and the children are equally devastated by this massive loss.

We are trying to find comfort and hope in the Word of God. Thank you to all of you who have been praying for us and please continue to pray for us, as we try to come to terms with this loss.

The last enemy to be destroyed is death

1 Corinthians 15:26

God willing, we will share our experiences and pay tribute to this amazing lady in a future blog.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl), Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles, FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1 , The Wedding Day Part 2 , The Rest of the Wedding Day Honeymoon & Early Days 1, Honeymoon & Early Days 2 , Our Encounter with COVID-19, I’m Pregnant and Parenting – they don’t come with manuals. For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

Parenting is the most challenging and the most rewarding job in the world. It is hard work.

In the last blog we looked at parenting young children and teenagers. In this blog we will share our experiences of parenting young adults and parenting adults. As we stated in our last blog, we are no experts in this field but we have decided to share our experiences on our ongoing parenting journey.

Parenting Young Adults

We found parenting young adults to be an emotionally challenging time. As the children were leaving the family home, we were worried and scared on how they would cope. All the restrictions of the home are now gone – how would they fare?

Parenting Uni students was a different ball game. As a parent you feel that your oversight is no longer there. You watch whether the lessons taught in childhood and the teenage years have been successful or not. It is an anxious time, but acceptable part of the growing pains.

Knowing how wild the university lives could be, how would your children cope with the influence and the attractions at uni? You are not sure how enduring the bonds of friendship and trust you have built with your children would hold. Will they still trust our judgement as parents?

The day Tim left for university, we knew that our family was moving into a new and completely different phase. This was the first time that our well bonded group of four would be splitting up. Will he be able cook? Will be able to manage his daily schedule without our support or nudging? Have we done enough to raise him to be able to manage independently?- that same question continued to bother us. Fortunately for us, Tim chose a Uni not far from home, 20mins drive, and we would see him almost every weekend when he came to Preston for church services.

As we dropped Tim off at uni for the first time, we also noted that this was the beginning of our empty nest. It was just a matter of time before Nomsa would leave home for Uni as well. Nomsa chose a Uni as far south as she could go away from home – 5hrs drive on a good day. We always joked that she was nearer to Paris than back home in Preston. However, she made up for her long distance by calling home almost every day for the four years she was at Uni. Nomsa was a good cook and was well domesticated – so we did not have any worries in that area.

On reflection, it seems like this was the time when we started praying more for our children – for their protection, their studies, their friends etc.

In 2017, Nomsa wrote an article for a freind’s blog, on her first year at uni. The article eventually found its way to our church’s monthly magazine for the British Isles The Messenger. This was a special article and we encourage all parents to share with their children as they prepare to go to uni or are already at uni.

Please read Nomsa’s Article

Parenting Adults

We are newbies in this area, but we have gone through the transition. The transition was not easy – we had to remind ourselves that Tim and Nomsa were no longer young children. In the beginning Wim and I would regularly review how we were treating them – just checking whether we were overreaching or not. We tried to ensure that we would now take and treat them as peers – interestingly some of our own work colleagues are the same age as our children, if not younger.

We feel so much blessed that both Tim and Nomsa take us as their sounding boards for some key decisions in their lives. They do consult us, and we freely give our advice. We are aware that our advice is just that, advice – it can be taken or declined, but it would have given us an opportunity to extensively discuss the pros and cons of available options.

Beware of controlling your parental instinct of protection – this may lead to closing the channels of communication and losing out on the front row seat. I recently experienced that, and it took me some time and effort to wrestle back my front row seat.

Unlike during our courtship where our own parents may have been the last ones to know, now as parents we would want to be the first ones to know of relationships our children get involved in. As your adult children get into relationships, it is exciting times. Watch this space for the juicy stuff brewing!

During this phase of our children’s lives, we keep up to date with their professional lives. You genuinely have to be interested and keep yourself abreast of developments in their fields, so that your discussions are fruitful and beneficial to both parties.

Lessons we learnt and are still learning during these final two phases of parenting

Lesson 16: Treat them as Adults

Your children are now adults and treat them as such. Respect their privacy – it is hard as parents, but they deserve it. Don’t pry into their affairs but show interest and be available should you be needed. Be prepared to learn new things from your children as you develop your trusting relationship.

Lesson 17: Be deliberate in getting times for bonding

I remember those long drives I had with Nomsa, either to drop her off at uni or to pick her up for the uni holidays. We spent some quality time during those 5 hour drives.

One thing that we have “accidentally” come up with as a family are the 1 to 1 conversations we manage to create when the children visit home. They take turns to join each of us wherever we are – one will be in the kitchen while the other is in the front room and then they seamlessly change over. One time four of us will be together and then the next time another different pairing is created. I don’t how the children do it, but we love it. By the end of the visit, Wim and I will be comparing notes on what we have heard from each child – these are special moments for us as parents. As expected Wim will be having more details in certain areas than me and vice versa.

Lesson 18: Be interested in your children’s studies and lives.

Studies can be challenging, and it is highly likely that your children will be studying subjects that you are not familiar with. Nonetheless, do your best to understand their area of study at a high level so that your conversations and encouragement may be on point. Actually, your children will be impressed by the effort you make in learning more about their studies.

Be there for them as they face different challenges with difficult housemates, work colleagues or bosses. Try your best to relieve the pressures. I remember one day, from our nightly telephone conversations, we gathered that Nomsa was stressing more than normal – she was on call at work and was also preparing for her impending professional exams. Early the next morning we called to inform her that we were on our way to take her out for a meal during her study break. In two hours time we announced our arrival in the town. Wim and I went for a walk in the park while we awaited our dinner appointment. We saw her just for under two hours, but she appreciated it very much, and we really enjoyed our time together.

Lesson 19: Make the best of birthdays and holidays

In our children’s early childhood, Wim and I unconsciously ensured that we had a birthday party for our children. (Possibly it was to make up for birthday parties we didn’t have in our own childhoods.) As our children grew to be young adults and moved away from home we noticed birthdays would be times when we would meet up. Tim and Nomsa tend to come back home for our birthdays and we would visit them for theirs. These get togethers are always special with Nomsa taking the role of the family’s activities planner, which she is so good at.

We have managed to squeeze a couple of family holidays as the children grew. In Zimbabwe we used to have regular family holidays to various holiday resorts. When we came to the UK we continued with that tradition. In the UK most people do go away on holiday, usually in the summer. A couple of years ago I was blessed to take my family to a holiday around Norway, where I had spent some time studying when the children were young. Verdict from the family was – it was the best family holiday to date.

As parents, we are blessed that Tim and Nomsa get along extremely well and they genuinely love each other. A couple of years ago Tim and Nomsa announced that they will be going on holiday together to Croatia. On their return Big Bro pleasantly surprised little Sis that he would pay all expenses for the holiday. We are very happy for their relationship and we always encourage them to do everything to enhance the relationship.

Lesson 20: Be there for the important and key moments

Wim and I want our life to be about making and sharing memories with loved ones, especially our children. We have made it a point to be at our children’s key moments and we are blessed to say that we have had so many and look forward to some more in future e.g. first day at school, first day at uni, placements, graduations, first day at work, house moves etc. We have been to certain parts of the UK that we would not even think of visiting were it not for Nomsa studying or living there – Brighton, Weston Super Mare, Doncaster, Guildford. Tim was more predictable in this sense – Lancaster, Preston, London. Wim and I enjoyed driving to all these places.

Lesson 21: Support children through failure

Unless you do absolutely nothing, you are bound to meet failure along the way. Failure is an area that Wim and I tried to prepare our children for and we supported them when it came. As parents we fight so hard to help them maintain their confidence as they face failure. Thankfully, academically both didn’t struggle with their studies – however both would agree that there are instances when they could have done better. A couple of examples of failures that our children faced and how they showed their resilience are:-

Tim

After graduating at uni, Tim struggled with the final stages of the graduate scheme interviews. The early stages would go well until the final hurdle. He kept on at it – he never gave up. During this time, he was at a teachable level and wanted to find out how he could get through the final assessment centres.

His breakthrough came when he got close and communicated with a senior manager at a place he was working on a temporary basis. The senior manager took him under his wing and mentored him as he prepared for his next application and interview. In his own words Tim said “This was a game changer. I still apply the principles he shared with me to many different situations in life. ”. The valuable lessons he learnt during this brief mentoring period catapulted him to success and became a launching pad for his professional advancement.

Nomsa

After several driving lessons, Nomsa had a driving test on her last day at uni. By the time we got to Brighton with van to pick her up, she had just failed her driving test. She was disappointed but not distraught. On our way back home she was looking at options to take a re-test. She quickly conceived a plan which she negotiated with us as we drove back – I would teach her to drive, using her mother’s car. The available driving test slot was at centre some 30mins away from Preston, which she booked. After a number of lessons in Preston and at the test centre she passed her driving test. She showed resilience, grit and determination. For the record Nomsa and I didn’t fall out as I took her through the driving lessons – if anything we got even closer together.

Our parenting journey continues…

Next week is a special blog – we have a guest blogger. One of our offspring will write next week’s blog. I bet you don’t want to miss that. Please subscribe and share with others.