Ingredients of a Happy Family Part 1

Welcome back. Thank you very much for joining us on this journey and we greatly appreciate all your feedback. We hope the two previous blog posts on Money Matters have initiated discussions or introspection on your own attitude towards money and how you can best manage your money together.

If you happen to be struggling financially, we have decided to sign post you to UK charities which will help you deal with various money related challenges. (All these are free – you do not pay anything for the help and support you get).

www.stepchange.org

www.citizensadvise.org.uk

www.moneysavingexpert.com (not a charity but has loads of free helpful information)

From our experience and research in the UK, there is no debt problem that can not be resolved. It may be painful and can take a long, but it is doable. Even in Zimbabwe, if you run into serious debt, talk to someone you trust to help you resolve it.

If this is your first time on our blog, we suggest that you visit our previous blog posts on this link Previous Blog Posts

We continue …

Indeed, we do live in an instant world – everyone wants things to work out quickly. One question that we have come across is people genuinely asking what makes a happy family.

Recently we came across this quotation in a little book we were reading:

“Getting married is easy. Staying married is more difficult. Staying happily married for a lifetime would be considered among the fine arts.”

Hope for Today’s Families

We strongly believe that ALL families can be happier than they are at this moment. Over the years, we have learnt that, when it comes to family happiness, it takes some work, be intentional and you need some basic ingredients.

We will share with you what we have found to be some of the most important ingredients. Just like in preparing a meal, ingredients are key. These, in our view and experience, are the ingredients that we have found to be key to our family happiness. We encourage you as you read through ours, that you reflect on your own ingredients. We have identified 8 ingredients and here are the first 3 – in no particular order.

Commitment

Commitment started with Wim and me from the word go – determining that this marriage and family has to work, and we have to be happy. We appreciated that it would take deliberate effort, and we resolved to put in the graft to move in this direction. As mentioned in an earlier blog post, we are not there yet, and we are determined to continually improve our family relationship.

We believe that EVERY member of the family should be committed to make the family a happy place. Children should be taught and advised that they are not free riders and should contribute to the happiness of the family.

Commitment is about putting family first – everyone taking time to consider how their decisions will affect the other members of the family. They are concerned about one another’s welfare and happiness and seek to structure their lifestyle in ways that promote unity and harmony in the home. Healthy families are ones where everyone looks out for ways to serve others. We have mentioned how Wim has put her life on hold to ensure that the children get a good start in life.

One incident, that we have laughed at later but was not funny at the time, to show that one’s decision may affect the whole family. Whilst at college, Tim agreed to go to a New Year’s Eve party with some of his friends. When he broke the news, Wim and I were not too sure and we asked why he wanted to go. Reluctantly we allowed and asked what time he was expecting to come back home. (We thank God that even while at college, Tim would discuss these things with us other than disappear and go out)

We encouraged him to get a taxi as the event was due to end extremely late. Then it snowed that night. Wim and I were worried – we couldn’t sleep. The time of expected return came and went – no Tim. After waiting for over half an hour, we decided to call him. He answered immediately and explained that  there were no taxis due to the snow and he had decided to walk home. I got dressed, drove and met him on the way and brought him home. I think Tim appreciated how much this inconvenienced us. From there on, he became more responsible and would be the one communicating if he is delayed. May we mention this to our young friends – when you go out, your parents do not sleep until they hear the clink of the door as you come back in – even when they have an early morning shift the next day. Please be considerate.

One thing that shows where your commitment is, is where you spend most of your time and effort. Recently, we were reading Stephen Covey’s book – 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. In it, Covey describes Habit 3 as Putting first things first. Under this Habit, he explains the Time Management Matrix with four Quadrants as shown below. We need to invest our time wisely if we are to have a successful relationship.

Quadrant II that refers to things that are Important but not Urgent. In this quadrant things are likely to be ignored as they are not urgent. However, when you put in the time and effort now, you will surely reap the benefits later. This covers things like planning, building relationships, prevention etc.

For example, when I go to walk 3-5km around Moor Park, even in the rain and wind,– I will be showing commitment to my family. Eating well is commitment to my family. You may not realise all the benefits now, but a healthy family member contributes to the happiness in that family. The healthier I am the less I am a burden to my family now or in the future. We encourage you (ourselves included) to look at the big picture.

Effective Communication

We have found this to be a particularly important ingredient for a happy family. There are so many resources to draw from when it comes to communication.

During our courtship we read about the 5 levels of communication in Nancy Van Pelt’s book To Have and To Hold. The 5 levels are Small Talk (Level 5), Factual Conversations, Ideas and Opinions, Feelings and Emotions and Deep Insight (Level 1). However, nothing compares to putting these into practice and checking where .

Over the years we have made our fair share of communication mistakes – e.g., not listening to the other person, speaking whilst emotional and immediately regretting it, talking whilst tired, talking too much, wrong timing of important discussions and decisions etc.

In our family, we have allowed each one of us to advise others if the time is not appropriate for serious discussion. One thing we have tried to put in place is to quickly make up after falling out. We encourage to say “Sorry” as soon as we realise we are in the wrong or have hurt someone. Wim and I have never shouted at each other – yes sometimes the urge to shout would come but we have always respected each other. We modelled this in our family, and we hope our children have learnt from it as both have now flown the nest.

Don’t get us wrong, in our family we have had some emotional, testy, candid discussions but these have been done in a civil and respectful way without name calling or any verbal abuse. All of us in our family have been and can be angry with each other or with situations; we can be frustrated – but no one feels at risk at such times, because we have allowed that these emotions can be safely expressed in our home, and necessary support given.

One thing I have learnt is that I shouldn’t be listening so that I could advise. Sometimes Wim is just sharing what she is feeling and wants to have a listening ear. Last year, I decided to become an adviser and consultant as Wim was communicating something emotional that she felt so strongly about. I genuinely thought that I needed to help her see the other side of the story. It didn’t go down very well. The lesson I learnt is that if Wim wants my advice, she will ask for it and not for me to assume that she needs it. Active listening comes in handy in such situations – i.e. remove distractions, maintain eye contact, use encouragers like (Hmmm, Ehe, etc) and respond just to show that you are following the story. I don’t know whether it is myth or fact, but I read somewhere that women have 3.5 words to men’s 1. If this is true, I would urge my brothers that one skill we all have to learn is active listening 😉. Also research shows that men sometimes get settled in the Factual Conversation level of communication (Level 4)

Wim: “How was your day, honey?”

Jabu: “Fine”

Wim thinks 🤔: “How can the whole day be summarized by a four letter word?”

So, another word to the brothers. Say something. You may need to quote Shakespeare, but please say something.

There should be level of intimacy in communication. Real intimacy starts at Level 3 (Ideas and Opinions). There should be intellectual intimacy – sharing thoughts, opinions, desires without sense of condemnation. Show genuine interest in what your family member is involved in so that you can have constructive and engaging conversations. Whilsts I am a engineer by profession I know a lot about nursing, pharmacy (BNF…😉), accounting and finance – just because that’s what my family is involved with every day.

We have also found out that effective communication leads to spiritual intimacy – you may not be on the same spiritual stage but you can stay on the journey together and encourage each other – you can share devotions etc. On looking back, we have seen that our spiritual stages have been different at different times. Be aware that spiritual growth takes place at different rates to different people. Allow each other time to grow and mature.

We found that as we shared our ideas, fears, hopes, feelings and emotions, we have grown closer to each other. We are both comfortable to be vulnerable in each other’s presence with the assurance that such personal issues are safe and will not be used against the other person.

Many times, I will be thinking of a certain thing and as I am about to say it, Wim says exactly what I was thinking. At first it felt spooky but now we enjoy it. This makes us feel that intimacy in our communication.

James, from Bible, has some wise words which we can all benefit from

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry

James 1:19

Love

We think this is one of the most abused word in the English language. It is so deep, but sometimes we seem to play with it. There is a lot to talk about love, but we have decided to start with what the Bible says in this well-known love chapter.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails… And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8, 13

Not a long time ago, we came across Dr Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages, who concludes from his many years of marriage counselling that love is expressed in any of these five languages: Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation and Receiving Gifts. (If you have not heard about this, please read about it and take the 5 Love Language quiz to identify your own love language – just Google it)

We have tried this in our own family and our verdict is, it works. My love language is split evenly between Physical Touch and Quality Time. (Those who know me appreciate how my “hug-o-meter” has been down as I miss all the hugs from family and friends due to covid restrictions).

Before coming across Dr Chapman’s love languages, I discovered that I had been expressing my love to Wim through the language I understand – physical touch and quality time. When Wim and I took the 5 Love Languages quiz separately, we discovered that Wim’s love language is Acts of Service. This helped me explain why she got stressed out and annoyed with unwashed dishes, untidy kitchen, things thrown around the house etc. To me Acts of Service does not come naturally.

I tried to change, as we always try with so many other things, to help improve our marriage. I deliberately made an effort to ensure that the kitchen sink is always clean before Wim comes home from work. Yes, me Jabu in the kitchen washing up. When it is time to prepare meals, I used to be watching TV whilst Wim was cooking, but now things have changed – both of us are together in the kitchen. This has greatly improved our relationship. It reduces the time we are both in the kitchen and we are not as tired when we sit down to eat the meal. I am so happy when I do these things as I can see that Wim feels loved, as I try to speak her love language fluently.

This is not limited to us as husband and wife but goes to Tim and Nomsa. Tim’s love language is Words of Affirmation while Nomsa’s one is Acts of Service, with Physical Touch a close second. A couple of weeks ago Nomsa, Wim and I sent Tim an engraved glass plaque following his start on a new job ending with the words “We are very proud of you”.

Nomsa always appreciates how Wim and I go out of our way to meet her needs. She cited how she misses her mum’s gluten (special dish) and the delicious meals that her mum prepared when she visits home. She also mentions the freshly baked scones that I deliver to her bedroom whilst she studies. We try our best to speak her language of Acts of Service fluently.

Nomsa also understands what Quality Time means to me, that is why she calls me almost every day for a chat.

That’s it for this week. We leave you with these two quotations we have found inspiring

The plant of love must be carefully nourished, else it will die. Every good principle must be cherished if we would have it thrive in the soul.

Adventist Home

Forgive and give as if it were your last opportunity. Love like there’s no tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes, love again.

Max Lucado

Next week we continue with some more ingredients to a happy family. Meanwhile please take time to review your own. Please subscribe and share with family and freinds. More love @ home!

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