It is nice to see you back here.
If this is your first time here, we extend a very warm welcome to you. We suggest that you read our previous blog posts on this link Previous Blog Posts, to give you some background information and how we got to this point.
Last week we looked at the first three of the eight Ingredients of a Happy Family namely Commitment, Effective Communication and Love . A quick recap: –
- Commitment – putting family first. Every family member (including children) is responsible for the happiness of the family. There are no free riders.
- Effective Communication – a quotation from the Bible “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” would help all of us.
- Love – We hope you found time (if you had not already done so), to complete the 5 Love Languages quiz and that you now know the Love Languages of each member of your family.
Now we continue with the next three of the eight ingredients as per our own experience.
Appreciation
It is so easy to take each other for granted, especially after you have spent a long time together. We believe Appreciation is one of the key ingredients of a happy family. We found that it is particularly important to notice and acknowledge each family member’s role and contribuition in our family and show appreciation for them.
Right from the beginning, Jabu would take time to appreciate me and things that I did. You remember the denim bag with some goodies that I would take on our picnics during our courtship; he would show appreciation, and this gave me more drive to bring something new and delicious next time.
He also showed his appreciation of how I did my hair and how I dressed – at first, I was embarrassed but I got used it and he has continued to this day. Jabu appreciates the meals I prepare. He notices the small things. He appreciates how I mother Tim and Nomsa.
In turn, I show appreciation to him for many things. One that I appreciate is how he somehow never panics about situations – he always behaves level headed even in a heated or hostile environment. He tries to remove emotions from his assessments.
I also apprecaite how he is supportive of me and the children. Once each of us has decided on what path to follow, Jabu then takes the position of encouraging, advising, supporting to ensure that we all realise our potential. I do appreciate his wisdom in the challenges we face now and again.
Since recovering from Covid-19, Jabu noticed that I was nervous about going to work. From that time until now, he always sends me a audio of a song that he sings or a verse that he reads to encourage me. I greatly appreciate that.
We always verbalise our appreciation of each other. By the time Tim and Nomsa grew up and became aware of things , they found that “Thank you”, “Please” and “I’m sorry” were already part of the home vocabulary.
In Shona there is a saying that says “Kutenda kwakitsi kuri mumoyo.” (A cat shows its gratitude in the heart only) – we always try to go against this saying. As a result of regular appreciation that we all freely give and receive, we always try to please each family member through acts of kindness and small surprises, knowing that they will notice and appreciate it.
To our young friends out there, we urge you to show appreciation to your parents – the food you eat did not just miraculously end up on your plate – someone earned the money and then prepared that meal. Spend some time in the kitchen to appreciate how much effort preparing a meal takes and, in the process, you will learn some invaluable life skills of cooking.
From a Zimbabwean background, we show our appreciation to our own parents by joining our siblings in taking care of our parents, as there is no government welfare system to provide for them in their later years. Both Jabu and I are beneficiaries of sibling support through education – we also show both verbal and practical appreciation to our siblings for what they did for us.
Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
1 Timothy 5:8
As an activity we suggest that you show appreciation for your family member – spouse, child, parent, sibling. Be specific as you show your appreciation.
Respect
Another key ingredient for a happy family, is Respect for each member of the family. Even before we got married, we respected each other – when we set those boundaries during our courtship it showed that we respected each other and each other’s bodies.
At our wedding the marrying minister said “Jabulani and Vimbai you are forming a kingdom, where Jabulani will be king and Vimbai will be queen and God will be above you both”. This is what we have implemented in our home. When the “prince” and then the “princess” later joined our kingdom, the respect had been entrenched. Every member of the family is important and should be respected. (Parents, you should also respect your children)
Family should be the place of building up and not tearing each other down. As a family, we do not encourage competition amongst our children but cooperation. By so doing they will realise the synergy that comes from working together. Another saying comes to mind: –
If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together
Jabu, at home and in public, goes about showing how much he loves and is kind to me and the children. This makes me feel very respected. The way he respects me at home and in public sets the standard at how everyone respects me. I believe that you should not expect family and friends to respect you more, if your own spouse does not show you respect.
We always make family decisions after consulting each other and as the children grew into teenage years onwards, we started to involve them as well. By so doing it reinforces that everyone’s opinion is important and desired before the family comes to a decision.
In a conversation some time ago, Jabu made this profound statement “One thing that a man does not want, is to be compared with other men – this is a sign of disrespect”. I know when we as ladies are tempted to use comparison we will be trying to encourage and motivate our men. But be careful, it may backfire.
Forgiveness
We believe that marriage is a union of two imperfect people who make mistakes – loads of mistakes. Therefore, Forgiveness in one key ingredient to ensure we have a happy family.
We have noticed that someone can easily extend forgiveness to someone distant from them or even to stranger, but it feels a lot harder to forgive someone close. We all feel hurt more when we are hurt by someone close because we feel they should know better.
The old adage says “To err is human, but to forgive is divine” and how true this is.
Jabu and I have tried to model in our family that we ALL make mistakes and after realizing that we have wronged someone, we should quickly apologise. We have also encouraged that when one feels slighted and hurt, they should quickly highlight it. This does not always happen but you can quickly notice when one had just suddenly withdrawn into their shell. We try to sensitively probe to find out what the issue is. Most of the times it will be a simple misunderstanding. If the wrong has not been disclosed to the alleged perpetrator, they may be oblivious to the whole matter and may continue behaving as usual.
We encourage forgiveness in the family. However, sometimes the hurt from the issue may be so deep that counselling will be a path to follow to help resolve the issue. In the UK most will have access to professional counsellors. In Zimbabwe there is also an added extended family network and church ministers who are on hand to help. We have heard instances elsewhere where people have not forgiven someone for decades. We believe that issues should be resolved as soon as possible to ensure happiness in the home.
A common question that we have come across in our reading and at numerous marriage enrichment seminars was “Who benefits from forgiveness?” Resoundingly, the one granting the forgiveness has been found to be a beneficiary – this is so counterintuitive. By forgiving someone, you are not letting them off the hook. We have also found that forgiveness is a process and not an event; forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation; forgiveness does not mean forgetting.
We hope you are intrigued now to find out more about forgiveness. We encourage you to go ahead and do your own research on forgiveness. There are a lot of relationship books that cover this impotant topic and of course Google.
The Bible is full of stories where forgiveness was extended. The story of how Joseph forgave his own brothers stands out for us. Remember that he suffered so much at the hands of his brothers – abused, abandoned and sold to strangers. Some of you may not be familiar with this story, please google Genesis chapter 37 and follow the story.
As the story comes to an end, listen to how Joseph reassures his brothers who were not sure how genuine his forgiveness was.
But Joseph replied, “Don’t be afraid of me. Am I God, that I can punish you? You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. No, don’t be afraid. I will continue to take care of you and your children.” So he reassured them by speaking kindly to them.
Genesis 50:19-21
Joseph looked at the big pitcure. We pray that you will reflect on this story and extend that forgiveness to someone. Surviving Covid-19 has reminded us that today is the only day I am assured of and is the only day I can decide to take that action of forgiving someone. Life is just too short to continue holding to that unforgiveness.
That’s it for this week. We are now left with two final ingredients to a happy family and we will cover these next week. Jabu and I strongly believe that ALL families can become happier than they currently are. It takes commitment and effort from EVERY member of the family. Reading our story is good and we appreciate that, but what is most important is what you are going to put in place to make YOUR own family a happier family. Please share and subscribe.
See you next week.
