Month: November 2020

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Our Culture Our Faith Our Relationship

The Rest of the Wedding Day

We have just been married. Welcome! We are excited that you have joined us on this journey.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl), Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles, FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1 and The Wedding Day Part 2 For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

In the last week’s blog post, The Wedding Day Part 2, we covered the first three lessons we learnt in our marraige, these starting right on our weedding day. Now we continue…

It was time to go for some photos. We drove to Harare Gardens, some 4 miles away. The gardens, situated in the northern part of the city centre, normally had beautiful flowers throughout the year. Wim would walk through park daily on her way to work and took note of the nice spots. The gardens had a number of water features and well manicured lawns that would provide good backgrounds for photographs.

Reception

When we got back to the reception hall, it was already packed inside, and people had started eating. There was an overflow of guests, so others had to eat outside the hall.

We were served as soon as we took our seats on the high table – this was our first meal since very early in the morning. More importantly, it was our first meal as a newly wedded couple.

It was then time for the presents/gifts; Zimbabwean style. This is normally the highlight of a wedding reception. What a sight it was! The two sides were “competing” against each other in accumulating gifts and of course accompanied by dance – The Nyabanis vs The Mpofus. There was a lot of banter as the two families “competed”. Guests joined along in the celebration.

Gifts started flooding in starting with both sets of parents. At most weddings in Zimbabwe most of the gifts are announced. Next were our siblings coming in with their gifts. What a show it was. The generous gifts included two plane tickets to Victoria Falls for our honeymoon. Our respective churches brought their gifts and then the floor was open for everyone else to give their gifts.

Mabelreign Church ladies

The Nyabanis were singing “KwaNyabani kunogaiwa mari, semapepa” (The Nyabani are in charge of machines that print money) and “Nyabani zesa, kwaitamutinhimira wemaoresa” (There is something splendid happening at the Nyabanis)

The Nyabanis
The Mpofus

As the day concluded, it was time to find out who had won the friendly “competition” of accumalating gifts. After tallying, the Nyabanis had slightly beaten the Mpofus to come up tops.

Wim and I were pleasantly surprised at the total amount of money and presents people had given us on our wedding day. It was a show of pure love towards us. The Nyabanis gave generously – their total gifts were several times the roora/lobola I had paid several months earlier.

As the total amount was announced the Mpofus then broke into song “Jabu wedu, shoko, shoko; muchamuona achibuda; arimukati memaruva; Jabu wedu shoko shoko” (Our Jabu is now a rich man, you shall see him walk out among the flowers), followed by “Naye Vimbai uyu, naye kuChinhoyi, kaverevere; vanosara vachichema, isu taenda kuChinhoyi” (We have come to take Wim with us to Chinhoyi – you will remain crying for her while we take her to Chinhoyi)

Lesson 4: Be generous. Family and friends taught us this valuable lesson from the beginning of our relationship, to the wedding day and even until today. By God’s grace, we have done and continue to do our best to extend same generosity to our family, friends and even strangers.

We appreciated all the gifts that we got; we were amazed by people’s generosity and goodwill – some of the people who gave gifts were poor people, but so much rich in love. As Nomsa always says “Sharing is caring”. Reflecting on our lives, we have been beneficiaries of people’s generosity from our separate childhoods. We have committed that our family will be a generous family – we have done our best to impress the same principles on Tim and Nomsa.

Naye kuChinhoyi

Now it was time to take my new wife back home to Chinhoyi. According to our culture, a new wife had to be accompanied to her new husband’s home. Wim’s aunty (Ambuya), her best girl, younger sister, her younger brother and cousin accompanied her on this occasion. Ambuya was the one who had come with Wim when she came to Chinhoyi to meet my family earlier on.

Looking at the size of the travelling party planning to go to Chinhoyi, Wim’s other brother offered to assist with transport which we happily accepted. It was now getting dark so we had to leave quickly as he had to drive back immediately after dropping off the people in Chinhoyi.

We arrived in Chinhoyi late at night, but that did not dampen the spirits. My family, friends and neighbours who proceeded ahead of us were waiting for us. There was ululating and dancing as we got off our cars. Mum and my sisters had made preparations to welcome everyone. Food was quickly served for all guests.

Everyone was happy – absolutely elated. I couldn’t believe how well and smooth the day had turned out. Now I have brought my wife to my home; the home where I was born; where I had lost my mum. It was a very special occasion.

My Dad, as the patriarch of our family, who had became a Christian some four years earlier, prayed for all of us before everyone retired for bed. When praying, he used to talk to God as if he was talking to a friend. He concluded his prayer, with some broken Shona in his Ndebele accent “Handiti kuona munhu anonetsa muroora wangu” (I don’t want to see anyone who harasses my daughter-in-law). What a prayer and a blessing that was. This prayer did mark the welcoming of Wim to be a Mpofu.

As we entered our bedroom for the first time, it was our opportunity to reflect on the day that had just ended. We were both extremely exhausted after a long day – but very, very happy.

Wim’s reflections

“I had just married my best friend and I had the best day of my life. Now I was a Mpofu. It was hard to say good-bye to my Mum and Dad, and my siblings. As I bid farewell to them, I couldn’t hold back my tears; it was truly a bittersweet moment. I was very happy and looked forward to the new phase of our lives – Chinhoyi, here I come”.

We were awoken by a knock on the door very early in the morning. Ambuya wanted to inform me that the traditional cultural chores – sweeping the yard and preparing face bath water for all the Mpofus, had started, as per our culture. (I was not expected to take part as culturally, on this day I was VIP).

The face bath service involved preparing warm water and giving to your husband’s family. It is a token to introduce yourself to them as someone who has come to live alongside them. The family in turn would give money in appreciation of the service which Ambuya and her helpers would take and share amongst themselves.

The face bathing service was also extended to all of Jabu’s mentors and that lady who sponsored his Youth Bible Conference trip, in their own homes.

Ambuya and her team then prepared a meal for the Mpofus; we had brought our own ingredients as per culture. It was a festive environment with people reflecting on the events of the previous day.

After the meal, it was time for Ambuya and her party to return back to Harare.

We had asked one of Jabu’s mentors to oversee the money received on the wedding day. Mid morning on Monday, the mentor came to the house with the money – a lot of money. He must have picked up from our reaction that we didn’t know what to do with it. He offered to take the money to the bank for us, of which we quickly accepted. We asked him to take 10% of the money to church as a tithe, appreciating God’s blessing for our new home.

Later that day Jabu and I left for Harare as we were scheduled to fly out to Victoria Falls for our honeymoon the following day. When we got into our new flat, it felt so nice that this was now our new home. All the wedding presents had been piled on the floor. It was not long before we started opening some of the presents and reading the beautiful messages in the cards.

Lesson 5: Managing the cost of a wedding. Our wedding preparations were quite modest. We didn’t take on any debts to fund our wedding. This was largely due to support of our family and friends. (Thank you once again). As we were preparing for our wedding, we had decided that the purpose of our wedding was not to show off or compete with other previous weddings of our friends and peers.

To those planning a wedding, we advise that you work hard, save up as much as you can and do your best to spend within your means. Don’t forget that the wedding day is just one day, the main part is what comes after the wedding day i.e. the marriage. You don’t want to be stuck in debt for several years after the event.

In Zimbabwe, we think that it may be highly possible to have a debt free wedding. However, in the UK (and other western countries), the cost of a wedding is very high and it may be a challenge to have a debt free wedding. We want to compile a list of helpful tips on how to reduce the cost of a modern day wedding. We would kindly invite you to send us, in confidence, some tips you have found useful, read about or even sharing your own experience. Please use the Contact Us form. We will share these tips as part of next week’s blog.

Jabu and I had talked and read about marriage and relationships but there is nothing that can be compared with the actual experience itself. Now it was time for us to start living the life – the married life. What a better way to start than with a honeymoon. Next week’s blog will cover The Honeymoon and Early Days of Marriage. By the way also next week Wednesday is our 30th Wedding Anniversary! Praise the Lord.

Categories
Our Relationship

The Wedding Day (Part 2)

It’s our wedding day. Welcome and thank you for joining us.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl) and Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles and FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1. For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

We continue …

The Wedding Ceremony

Then we were side by side on our wedding day.

“Rudo runotifadza” (Tis love that makes us happy), was the opening song. This song accurately reflected how we felt.

Then it was time for the ceremony. Wim and I had decided that we stand throughout the whole ceremony. The officiating minister, who happened to be the church conference president (church leader looking after the east of Zimbabwe), had asked what language we would prefer to use for the ceremony – English or Shona.

Since we expected a number of non-Shona speaking guests we suggested English with Shona translation. The officiating minister engaged a translator, another minister. That combination worked very well – very funny and engaging.

The sermonette concluded with the words “Today Jabulani and Wimbayi, you have decided to form a kingdom, where Jabulani will be king and Wimbayi will be queen and the Lord Almighty will be above you both.”

Then it was time for the vows.

Wedding Vows

Following our counselling session with the minister and his wife, Wim and I had agreed that we would memorise our vows. Since, the minister had given us poetic licence we gladly accepted that offer.

Facing each other and holding each other’s right hand, I started

Jabu’s Vows

“Pamberi paMwari, hama ne shamwari, Ini Jabulani Mpofu, ndinokutora iwe Wimbayi Nyabani, kuti uve chido chemoyo wangu. Ndinovimbisa kukuda, kukuremekedza, nekutaura chokwadi kwauri nguva dzose. Pavasikana vese vazere munyika, ini ndasarudza iwe kuti uve mudzimai wangu wemuchato, nokuti wakaita seruva pakati peminzwa. Ndinovimbisa kukuda muhutano nemuuherwere, muhupfumi nemuhurombo kusvikira rufu rwatipatsanisa. Ichi ndicho chitsidzo changu”

(Before God, friends and family, I, Jabulani Mpofu, take you Wimbayi Nyabani to be my sweetheart. I promise to love, honour and be true to you at all times. From among all the ladies in the world, I have chosen you, to be my wedded wife, as you are like a lily among thorns. I promise to love you in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, until death do us part; and this is a sign of my love for you”) I said sliding the wedding ring on her finger to a rapturous applause, Amens and ululating.

Like a lily among thorns, is my darling among women

Song of Solomom 2:2 (GNT)

Wim’s Vows

“Pamberi paMwari, hama ne shamwari, Ini Wimbayi Nyabani, ndinokutora iwe Jabulani Mpofu, kuti uve murume wangu wemuchato. Ndinovimbisa kukuda, kukuremekedza, nekutaura chokwadi kwauri nguva dzose. Ndichakupa kunyemwerera kwangu kwose, kuti imba yedu ive kadenga kaduku. Ndinovimbisa kukuda muhutano nemuuherwere, muhupfumi nemuhurombo kusvikira rufu rwatipatsanisa. Ichi ndicho chitsidzo changu”

(Before God, friends and family, I,Wimbayi Nyabani, take you Jabulani Mpofu to be my wedded husband. I promise to love, honour and be true to you at all times. I promise to give you my smile and do everything to ensure that our home will be a little heaven on earth. I promise to love you in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, until death do us part; and this is a sign of my love for you”) Wim said as she put a ring on my finger. The response was equally rapturous.

Then we knelt for prayer of blessing for our new home, offered by Wim’s local pastor.

As we got back on our feet, the officiating minister then said “On this day on 2nd December 1990, and at this time, with the authority given to me by the government of Zimbabwe, and authority given to me by the word of God, I declare that Jabulani and Wimbayi are now husband and wife. What God has joined together let no man put asunder.” Loud Amens were heard in the church.

Then it was time to unveil my bride. What a beauty. Gorgeous. The beautiful smile.

The minister had advised us that he would not ask me to kiss the bride, but he will instead give me a cue at the right time. After unveiling Wim, the minister read a couple of Bible verses for us.

“Jabulani, every morning you wake up you should say to Wimbayi, in the words of Song of Solomon 4:7 You are all fair my love; And there is no spot in you”

“In response, Wimbayi you should repeat the words of Song of Solomon 1:2 “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is better than wine” (We liked how the other minister interpreted it – Ngaandi tsvode nemuromo wake chaiwo, chaiwo uyo)

I took a step towards Wim, my hands gently wrapped around her waist as she reached out her hands to rest on my shoulders and we kissed! There were loud rings of “Amen!” and ululation.

Then there was the legal stuff to sort out. We went onto the platform to sign the register and marriage certificate. Meanwhile Wim’s local church choir was blessing the guests with a song – one they had specifically composed for this special occasion with our names intertwined in the lyrics.

Then there was the cake cutting; Wim serving both sets of parents, with me in attendance.

Family representatives then made the speeches. My auntie (my late mum’s younger sister) gave a beautiful and touching speech which she concluded with the words. “Tinokugamuchira Wimbayi. Tinokuda chaizvo Wimbayi.” (We welcome you Wimbayi. We love you very much Wimbayi)

Wim’s uncle (her mum’s younger brother) gave a speech concentrating on Wim’s upbringing with her maternal grandparents. He mentioned how the whole family was happy for this day. He shook my hand as he congratulated and welcomed me into the Nyabani family.

Then came the next bit that Wim and I didn’t know was in the programme; we had never seen anything like this at the numerous weddings we had attended before. The officiating minister’s wife took the microphone and handed over to us the marriage certificate we had just signed.

“Wimbayi and Jabulani, congratulations on your wedding day. I am happy to handover this marriage certificate to you. However, I want to remind you that this is not a graduation certificate, but a certificate to show that you have just passed the entrance examination. In marriage you will never graduate; you will always be learning”

That was a profound statement, and this marked our Lesson 1 in Marriage – You never graduate, but you are always learning. This has been one of the driving forces for our marriage: There is always room for improvement. As we mentioned in our first blog and About Us page, we are very happily married. However, we do not consider that we have “reached” or at pinnacle of our marriage – far from it; we are still work in progress. We strive to always learn and improve.

We know that as soon as we feel that we have “reached”, then that marks the beginning of the decaying process of our relationship. Every day presents new challenges and we have to be intentional as we face these challenges. We endeavour to make tomorrow better than today, by God’s grace. We cannot afford to stand still.

We always seek out ways to make each other happy. The Wim I married in 1990, is different to the Wim I live with now. She has changed as she has grown physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, experentially and spiritually. And so have I. I am not the same Jabu whom Wim married on that day, almost 30 years ago. This calls us to continuously assess whether our contribution to our marriage is still meeting each other’s needs.

This awareness that we are entering marriage as an ever-learning experience helped us (and it still does today) prepare for the up and downs and challenges as we went through the various seasons of our marriage. As our roles grew from being husband and wife to father and mother, we have seen this being fulfilled in our lives.

We always look for ways to improve our marriage. We continue to read widely on marriage and family life matters. We have attended numerous marriage enrichment seminars.

When we were in Zimbabwe, for years we were part of a team planning our church’s district annual couples retreats. We invited different experienced and inspiring presenters and counsellors to these events which we held at beautiful holiday resorts across the country. We are sure it is not only our marriage that benefited from these events.

Here in the UK, after a slow start, we have been involved in planning couples retreats/seminars/dinners for our local church. Our marriage and family has benefited tremendously from the lessons we learnt at these retreats and seminars. We have attended a couple of conference couples events as well.

We would recommend that as couples, whether newly wedded or have been married for decades, make time to attend such gatherings. Some couples have complained of the expense of these retreats, but we would earnestly encourage you to invest in your marriage. Believe us, it will be worth every penny spent. Put it on your budget and save for such retreats. We strongly believe these are different to couples/family holidays – their objective is to enrich your marriage.

Back to the wedding, the minister’s wife continued …

“You two are coming from two different homes, from the Nyabanis and the Mpofus. You were raised in different ways. Let me illustrate” She had her props ready. “Let’s say this Fanta orange represents you Wimbayi” as she poured it into a glass. “You are different from Jabulani. You were raised in a different environment. This lemonade represents you Jabulani” as she poured it into the same glass. As you can see it is different. You were raised so differently from Wimbayi.

Now as you can see the Fanta orange has now been diluted by the lemonade and the lemonade has taken some of the Fanta orange colour. This is what you have formed today. You are forming a new home that is not the same as the Nyabanis or the Mpofus. It may have traits from both families, but it will be different. It is unique. Let me ask Pastor to taste this new drink and tell us what he thinks of the taste” she said handing the drink to her husband, the officiating minister.

The pastor took the glass, drank a mouthful and paused as if he was listening to something. Then his face brightened and broke into a wide smile and said “This drink tastes like one I drank in a hotel. It tastes like real Quench” The guests erupted in applause and laughter

She continued. “Equally, let’s say there are two rivers which are meeting – water in one of rivers is red, taking the colour of the soil that it has been flowing through and the other one is black. When the two rivers meet, there will be some commotion and upheavals as the two rivers combine. However, when you follow the combined river further down stream, you will see that the river is now calmer. The colour of the water is now a blend of the two colours. This is what will happen with your marriage. As you start your new married lives, you may face challenges as you try to adjust – you may face some conflict as you come to terms with each other’s personalities and behaviours. Please do not give up. Talk things through. Try to resolve any conflicts you may have. As you continue in your marriage you will realise that things will become calmer and more fulfilling”

This was Lesson 2 for us – our home will be a blend of our different upbringings and by God’s grace it can be sweeter and unique.

We needed to be aware of potential challenges, and we should learn to adjust and be accommodating. Over the years we have learnt how to effectively resolve conflicts. We have found effective listening to be such an important part of this. Wim and I do not agree on everything (ask Tim and Nomsa!) but we candidly and respectfully discuss issues and try to understand the other side. We are committed not to say any harsh or unkind words to each other – not to engage in condescending innuendos. We committed that our home will be sweeter. This was set even before the children arrived.

The minister’s wife was not done yet.

“Now I want to talk to the in laws. Sekuru and Ambuya Nyabani, today you have got yourself another son, Jabulani. He has come to join your family. He is going to behave just like your sons. At times he may do things, say things that you will not be happy with. When this happens, may you please treat him just like how you would treat Crybert (Wim’s eldest brother) and overlook his faults and embrace him.”

Laughter broke out as people looked at Wim’s brother. “Sekuru and Ambuya Mpofu, you have daughters in your home. Wimbayi has come to join your daughters. When your daughters do something that does not please you, “munoginya mate” (you overlook it), because they are your daughters. Please do the same to Wimbayi – she is now your daughter.”

We are glad that both sides of our families took this advice seriously and it has helped our marriage immensely. From that day the Nyabanis started treating me as their son – Wim’s brothers took me as their own brother. We will cover more about relationships with the in-laws later but we think a sneak preview may help.

I remember it was the second Christmas into our marriage, Wim’s eldest brother asked what our plans were for Christmas. His family were planning to visit Sekuru and Ambuya Nyabani at the village, and invited us to join them. Since Wim and I didn’t have a car, he offered us one of his cars for the journey. It was just the beginning of a relationship that has continued to grow up to this day.

I also remember one Sunday, I am not sure what emergency had hit us, but we realised we didn’t have enough money to take us to payday which was coming up later that week. I got an Emergency Taxi (ET) and went to Wim’s brother’s place.

When I arrived, I went to the kitchen and mentioned our predicament to his wife. She was so generous, and I came back home with some foodstuffs and money to see us up to the payday. I was family! (We will cover more later under Family Finance).

All my sisters genuinely love Wim and she acknowledges it so much. I grew up with my sisters as the only brother. When Wim came, they opened up to welcome her. They did not see her coming in as a threat to our sibling relationships, but an enhancement. This made life so easy for me as I have not been put in a situation where I need to choose between my wife and my siblings.

These are the first three lessons we got on our wedding day, soon after our wedding vows.

Lesson 1 – You do not graduate in this relationship. The certificate is that you have passed the entrance examination. Marriage is lifelong learning. Study to advance the happiness of each other.

Lesson 2 – As the two people join in holy matrimony, conflict may come – but learn to resolve conflict amicably and make the necessary adjustments. What you are forming together will be unique and sweeter than where you are coming from.

Lesson 3 – In laws relationships can help enhance your marriage

We had just been married. By far the best day in our lives!

Our MC then announced “When God created Adam and Eve, the first thing He gave them was food; so we have enough food for everyone here…”

We bet you don’t want to miss the wedding reception, the Zimbabwean wedding celebrations, and how I took my bride to my home in Chinhoyi. Please subscribe to our blog and share with others. The next week’s blog will be on The Rest of the Wedding Day.

Categories
Our Relationship

The Wedding Day (Part 1)

Tigashire kumuchato! (Welcome to the wedding!)

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl) and Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles and FAQ & Wedding Preparations For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

Here we go…

Saturday, 1st of December 1990, was a quiet day. Wim and I didn’t worship at the same church – I attended the nearest church in the city centre. In the afternoon, people started arriving in Harare for the big day.

Saturday evening was the final rehearsals for the wedding ceremony programme at Highlands Church.

There was one last cultural hurdle to clear just before the wedding day. While others were at the rehearsals, Jabu’s sisters came “kuzokumbira muroora” (to culturally ask for the bride’s hand in marriage”. There was some dancing and ululating.

Bridegroom

Yes, that is me! Reflecting on this journey I would say thank you Lord for bringing us thus far.

My other mentor and friend whose family had moved to Harare, kindly offered their house to accommodate the groom’s party for the night before the wedding. Five or six of us managed to cram into one bedroom. The whole place was buzzing.

Our host advised us “You guys should get a good night’s sleep and ensure that you have a heavy breakfast tomorrow”.

Good sleep? No chance. After everyone else settled and fell asleep, I just couldn’t sleep. My mind could not settle or relax.

Sunday 2nd December 1990 dawned.

Heavy breakfast? That was a good idea. From the excitement, I didn’t have a good appetite. However, I forced myself to eat and this was a great move, as my next meal would come some seven hours later.

We quickly dressed up and were ready to go for the wedding ceremony. I quickly checked that I had the wedding rings – both rings. Soon our transport, my aunt’s beige Madza 323, came for me. The bridal party quickly decorated the car and we were off to church. A couple of other cars from friends helped ferry the bridal party.

It was a sunny and warm Sunday morning – a typical December summer’s day. The trees were all green and lush. The Highlands suburbs of Harare were posh and you could tell from the well manicured lawns and flower beds.

As we drove past the church to come back on ourselves, that is when it dawned on me how huge this day was- droves of people were milling around the grounds of the church. Some of them were admiring the beautiful, majestic church building and adjoining hall.

As our car pulled into the grounds of the church, the bus carrying Chinhoyi folks was offloading. All those familiar people and in their best clothes. It was just beautiful.

Next to the bus was my brother-in-law’s 7-ton truck and young people were jumping out from the back. Apparently, when the bus came to pick up people from Chinhoyi, there were a lot more people than could fit in the bus. Plan B was quickly hatched – the adults would get in the bus and the youths and young people would get into the 7-ton truck.

This mode of transport was not out of the ordinary when push comes to shove in Zim – even when going to a wedding!

The other cars with the groom’s bridal party arrived. We didn’t get out of the cars. A few people came to my car and smiled and waved. Others just smiled and looked from a distance. I could see our neighbours from Chinhoyi looking on. “Is this Jabu? Our boy from Gadzema Section, who is now about to wed” I could imagine them asking. And my response? “It is because of the Lord’s mercies”

The leader of the male singing group came over to confirm that they were here and rearing to go.

But where was the bride? We waited patiently for my bride. It was her day – our day; and she could take as long as she wanted. I was not anxious at all.

Bride

I could hardly sleep that Saturday night. When we got home from the rehearsals, Jabu’s sisters were still at our place singing and dancing and ululating “Vimbai aenda, muchimuona, makamutarisa, muchimuona” (Vimbai is going/leaving whilst you watch on). By the time they finished the cultural business it was very late.

Normally, I had my hairdresser who would do a long lasting set on my hair; then I would manage on my own for three to four weeks, before I needed another re-set.

I visited the hair salon on the Wednesday before my wedding only to find out that she was no longer working there. People there referred me to another salon. This was getting risky now. I went and as I feared, the lady didn’t do a good job on my hair. I didn’t have time to waste. I will have sort it out on Sunday morning, I concluded.

Now Sunday was here. We woke up very early and started getting ready. My sisters-in-law and Tete were there to help me dress. Jabu’s sisters were also in attendance according to our culture. The hair, as anticipated, caused me a few problems but that was not going to spoil my day.

As I looked myself in the mirror, I smiled. “I think Jabu will love this” I thought.

Compliments and ululations were coming from all corners of the house as I made my way into the lounge. The bridal party was getting into vehicles in readiness for departure as we were already behind time.

A couple of months before my wedding day, my brother had bought a new car – a white Renault R18. One day, I heard him talking with his friends, possibly loud enough so that I could hear. “My sister is wedding soon you know and I want to drive her to the church in my new car”.

Now on the day. My brother was nowhere to be found. On enquiring, he had driven to town to sort out transportation. A local bus that had been hired to ferry people from my church to the wedding venue had not arrived at agreed time as planned.

The bridal party were waiting patiently in their cars but the bride’s car was nowhere to be seen. With no mobile phones, no one knew exactly where my brother was.

After some time Tete came in and said “The car is here”. We quickly made our way outside with the help of my best girl. Cloths were laid on the ground to ensure that I did not step on the ground. This is how a bride is treated in Zim. VIP treatment indeed.

I couldn’t see the Renault R18.

“In here Mainini” Tete directed. There was a cream Mercedes Benz! On the driver’s seat was Tete’s younger brother. There was not even time to decorate the car, the new bride’s car. Then we set off, our car leading the procession. The church was around 3 miles from our house.

Apparently when my brother was not showing up, Tete called her brother who had a car dealership and asked if he had a nice car that could be used to transport the bride to church. In a few minutes he was outside the house in the Merc.

As we drove into the church car park, I was surprised by the number of people who were already there. Our car made its way onto the front entrance of the church. I could see ushers quickly directing people to go in.

The big day was here. Today is my wedding day.

Bridegroom

After some time, there was a flurry of activity as some cars drove in and car horns blaring, marking the arrival of the bridal party. Then I saw a Mercedes Benz slowly drive up to the front entrance of the church. Yes, there she was, Wim sat in the Merc. Merc? How did this happen?

The next bit came from us watching the wedding video as Wim and I were not inside the church.

The procession started. Our favourite male singing group split themselves into two groups – one starting from the vestry in the front of the church and the other from the main entrance.

They were singing with smiles as they marched to meet each other in the middle isle of the church. Then when they were nicely paired up, they faced each other. They finished off the song as they shook each other hand across the isle with the words “brother let me shake your hand”.

The atmosphere had been set for a truly amazing day.

It was our day and the programme ensured that we celebrated every moment. The bridal party including the page boy, flower girls and boys made their entry – each to a melodious tune from the singing group.

Then it was time for the mini bride and mini groom, as a forerunner to the main event; our entrance.

It was now my turn. The bridegroom.

“Ndakatsvaga kwese; ndikashaya chose; dakara ndawana iwe; werudo rwangu; nyeredzi yangu, chido chemoyo wangu” (I searched everywhere; I didn’t find anyone; until I met you; my beloved; my star; my sweetheart), the group started singing. This was my cue to enter. I marched in – with a delicate step.

This was the first time I saw how many people where inside the church; – it was fully packed. Those who could not get seats were standing along the walls.

As I marched along, I looked to the right and left and smiled. As I approached the pulpit, on my left were the Mpofus – my Mum and Dad; my siblings and their families; any aunties and uncles; my cousins; my mentors.

On my right were the Nyabanis. I acknowldged them with a smile and a nod as I marched past them.

Then there was Wim’s church choir dressed in purple gowns.

In the front row was the bridal party. Everyone was dressed so colourfully.

As I turned around to face the entrance, the whole audience burst into a loud “Amen” and an ululation sneaked in there.

Wow!

An announcement was made – “When you see bride step inside the church, please stand up briefly and then take your seats”

Bride

“God of our fathers, Whose almighty hand leads forth in beauty all the starry band…” That was my song. It was time to go in. The moment I had always admired at other weddings was now mine.

I was flanked by my Mum on one side and Dad on the other. As we entered the church, everyone was on their feet looking towards the entrance. I am the bride. I felt a bit nervous as I had just become the centre of attention of everyone in the church. I was extremely happy and delighted.

I briefly looked up and there was Jabu, smartly dressed and smiling.

I started marching towards Jabu to the beat of the melodious song, accompanied by my parents. Proud parents they were.

Bridegroom

There she was, majestically gliding towards me to the beat of the song. I had never seen such a beautiful sight. Marvellous! Wonderful! What a beutiful wedding dress – pure white. A beautiful veil covered her face.

How could I remain standing there? It was time for my approach to meet my bride; my best friend. I started marching towards Wim to the beat of the song as well, to meet her half way on the centre isle. I was beaming!

As we met, Wim’s Mum and Dad fell behind and left, to sit in their designated seats. Then I turned around as the group changed the lyrics of the song to words customised for our wedding. “We now present, these two before Thee Lord, now as they come before Thee Our Lord…. Bless them O Lord, as you did the first two” (i.e. Adam & Eve)

I could not take my eyes off my beautiful bride. I was smiling, and smiling and smiling! As we approached the pulpit. This was the day. Our day.

Next blog is the Wedding Day Part 2 – The Wedding Ceremony. It was here that we learnt the first 3 lessons of our married life – i.e. about 15 minutes after being declared husband and wife. Please subscribe so that you do not miss it.

Categories
Our Culture Our Relationship

FAQs & Wedding Preparation

Thank you for visiting our blog once again.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl) and Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families and Cultural Hurdles. For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

Last week we covered in some detail about the roora/lobola. Thank you for the feedback we continue to receive. As we expected, roora is a new cultural phenomenon to a substantial number of our readers.

We have also noticed that since moving to the UK sixteen years ago our own perception of roora has evolved. The answers below are our views and others may have different opinions.

In this blog post we start with the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) before we cover our Wedding Preparations.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

1. Is Roora still relevant in the 21st century

Answer: We feel that it still is. However this is dependent on where you now live. If you are in Zimbabwe, it is definitely still relevant. For those who have moved away from Zimbabwe and potentially are to marry across cultures, the relevancy is in decline.

2. Roora does not exist in my culture. Should I be expected to pay roora for my girlfriend if it’s part of her family’s culture?

Answer: We suggest that the two of you discuss this during courtship and that you try to understand what the roora means to your girlfriend/fiancee and her parents.

3. Is Roora Biblical?

Answer: Yes, there are instances in the Bible where gifts were given to parents of a wife. Jacob and Rachel comes to mind. We believe it was also cultural at the time.

4. I heard that one should not finish paying roora. Is this true?

Answer: We have heard about as well. However, we feel that your wife’s parents do expect you to finish paying roora. Therefore, we would yes go on and finish paying.

5. My husband just paid a little portion of the roora. How can I encourage him to pay the remainder?

Answer: We suggest that you find a right time to talk to your husband. If it is not possible you may ask your father or brothers to remind your husband via the munyayi. To the husband, we just want to remind you to consider how much roora means to your wife.

As a footnote, whilst in Zim, we witnessed a few occasions when the wife had sadly passed away before the roora had been paid in full. The wife’s family refused to be involved with anything to do with the funeral before the balance of the roora was paid in full. These situations were messy.

6. I feel that I was overcharged for roora/lobola. Is there anything I can do to redress this?

Answer: Not really, sorry. For those living in Zim there may be an opportunity to revisit the figures if the roora was charged in Zimbabwean dollars, which is no longer a valid currency.

7. What is the atmosphere in the room when the roora negotiations are taking place?

Answer: Generally the roora sessions are calm and friendly atmosphere. There may even be jokes and banter as the negotiation process unfolds. However, there are also situations when things have not gone as smoothly.

8. I am looking for a munyayi (go-between) – where can I find one.

Answer: You can identify people you trust who are good negotiators. If you struggle, then ask your girlfriend/fiancee’s parents (through an aunt or uncle) and they will happily provide one for you.

9. Why are the two key people (boy and girl) not allowed in the room when the deliberations are taking place?

Answer: This will ensure that you are not emotionally affected as the negotiations progress. Normally those in the room are looking after your interests.

10. If I cannot raise enough money for roora, should I not marry?

Answer: We suggest you take what you saved. It is all about negotiations. You going to the parents will show that you are a serious young man who is interested in their daughter.

11. Should the roora charges be proportional to the level of education or profession of the lady?

Answer: We say No. We don’t think that roora should be a return on investment. It is to bring the two families together and not to pay for anything.

12. My family and I do not own any cattle. How can I pay that part of the roora?

Answer: The cattle can easily be converted to cash. Normally the values are disclosed at the roora session.

13. Is it fair/right that parents can “sell” their daughter by demanding roora?

Answer: The girl is not being sold. This is not a financial transaction. Roora is about bringing the two families together. We know that a person is priceless – you cannot put a price tag on anyone.

That’s it for now. Let us go back on the journey.

Wedding Preparations

We did indeed clear the cultural hurdles in a spectacular fashion. We were happy and thanked God for the progress thus far. Jabu was very happy with how things had gone at the roora session.

The following weekend after the roora session, Jabu was back in Harare. We had a special picnic. We were now planning for the wedding!

Firstly, we had to pick the wedding date. We considered a couple of dates and ended up settling on the 2nd of December. Jabu’s family needed to communicate this proposed date to my family. We agreed to informally mention the date to each of our families.

The official communication would be delivered by the vanyayis (go-betweens) when they returned to my family, with the items that would meet the wedding pre-conditions.

Where would the wedding be – Chinhoyi or Harare? During this time in Zimbabwe, some people used to have two wedding receptions, one on either side of the families, with the final one normally hosted by the groom’s family.

We could not afford two receptions. Normally if it is one reception, it would at the bride’s side. Therefore, Harare it was. (Incidentally there was another wedding planned at Jabu’s Chinhoyi church on the 2nd of December as well).

The Mpofus would need overnight accommodation in Harare. (Hotels were unaffordable). Jabu approached a couple of friends and relatives and they were more than willing to open their homes for them. My new flat would also be available as I would be based at my brother’s place for the wedding day’s eve.

We needed a venue for the wedding. My church in Harare was under construction and not fully completed at the time. Jabu and I came up with a list of churches to approach to host our wedding and we prayed about it.

I wrote an application letter to our first choice – a beautiful church in Highlands, an eastern suburb of Harare. It was a perfect venue as it also had a hall which we could use later for the reception.

I wouldn’t take a chance on posting this letter. One day after work, I caught an Emergency Taxi (ET) to hand deliver the letter. By the time I got to the church, the office was closed and I dropped the letter through the door. I didn’t have an idea of how long it would take before we got a response.

We didn’t have long to wait. Some four days later, when I got home there was a letter waiting for me. My heart was in my mouth as I struggled to open the letter. As my eyes scanned the letter my eyes fell upon the words “we are happy to inform you that we are able to accommodate your wedding…” We had got it! That was the longest night I had as I waited to call Jabu first thing in the morning with the good news. We paid the deposit for the church and it was secured.

Next, we had to decide on a minister to officiate at our wedding. Jabu and I had discussed about potential marriage officers, and concluded that this was more dependent on their availability on our proposed wedding date. Marriage officers were generally scarce at the time.

Jabu and I visited one of our minister friend to get a contact number of one of the marriage officers we had identified. We were met with the news: the marriage officer was not available as he had just confirmed a booking to officiate at a wedding on the same day in Chinhoyi. Chinhoyi?

Then he suggested “Have you tried the conference president? He is a marriage officer as well”. Jabu personally knew the conference president, but he had not been on our list as we felt he generally had a tight schedule.

We got his phone number and walked to public phone box. Jabu called and I could hear one side of the conversation. After the initial greetings Jabu mentioned the reason for his call.

Then there was silence.

Jabu mouthed “He is checking his diary”. After some time that felt like eternity, he got back on the phone. I just heard Jabu say “Thank you Pastor. Thank you very much!” He had accepted our request!

We made an appointment for a counselling session with the minister and his wife, which we had a couple of weeks later. The minister asked if we had had any counselling sessions with our local pastors before.

Incidentally, when I had informed my local pastor of my relationship with Jabu and plans for marriage, he had asked to meet us. He had one counselling session with us.

At our counselling session with our marriage officer, the minister and his wife checked what we had covered with my local pastor and started from there. We discussed and covered a lot of subjects like effective communication, commitment, love, appreciation, roles in marriage, family finance, sex, conflict resolution etc. Jabu and I had read widely and discussed these subjects during our many picnics.

Since Jabu was living out of Harare it was not possible to have more than one session with minister and his wife – hence we covered so many topics at one session.

As we approached the end of our counselling session the minister advised us how he would conduct the wedding ceremony. He gave us generic copies of the wedding vows and gave us permission to add any words as long as the words on the generic vows were all included.

We were also blessed to secure the services of our favourite and popular all male singing group. My brother used to sing in this group and I had always wanted this group to sing at my wedding – even before I met Jabu! We were thrilled to know that they were available to sing on the day.

Bridal party? Family and friends had been key on our journey. We just decided the bridal party will come from our family and friends. Seeing that we both came from large families, we needed to compromise on who makes it onto the bridal party. We ensured that almost all our immediate families were represented by at least one member.

On looking back this worked quite well as there was no falling out amongst family members because of the bridal party selection.

Best man & Best girl – we had already decided on these two great friends of ours. We were happy that they kindly agreed to take these special positions for our wedding, as they did at our engagement party.

MC – another friend of ours was well placed for this role. He was also the MC at our engagement party where he had done a brilliant job. He had great sense of humour and could effortlessly hold a crowd with his wit. We were thrilled when he accepted our request.

For our wedding preparations we did not have any joint family planning meetings. With Jabu and his family in Chinhoyi, it was just impractical to arrange regular family planning meetings.

Jabu and I were therefore, responsible for the planning and coordination. Our sides of the family would communicate through us. We were then free to consult and request any necessary help. This streamlined arrangement worked well for us.

On looking back, this phase helped us in our strategising, listening and planning in our future home.

One thing we didn’t have to worry about in Zimbabwe was to compile a wedding guest list. All were invited! This was typical at the time. You would just send an invitation card to the whole church, family and friends; and then aim to cater for all of those who would come.

My brothers and sisters-in-law asked me what plans and resources we had in place for the wedding. They offered some substantial financial support, in addition to the morale support which started soon after Jabu paid roora. This was a massive help for us.

Equally Jabu’s siblings and their husbands offered some substantial financial support. Furthermore, since the wedding was away from Jabu’s home town, they offered to transport wedding guests from Chinhoyi to Harare. Notwithstanding, a clash of dates with another wedding in Chinhoyi, many people still wanted to come to our wedding.

One of our friends offered to pay for all the soft drinks to be used at the wedding.

These offers helped reduce financial pressure and relieved a massive burden off our shoulders. We were overwhelmed by such generosity cited here and much more. No one was obliged to give but gave from their love, anyway.

While Jabu was busy saving for the roora, I had also been busy saving for the wedding. I was starting to dream about my big day. I needed a wedding gown. I was faced with a question; should I buy the gown or hire one? My friend and I visited a number of wedding boutiques but I was not satisfied with what I saw – they were just not my style.

Later I got a reference from someone about a wedding gown for hire. Interestingly, the owner of the gown lived a couple of roads from our house.

One evening after work, I made an appointment to go and try the dress. As I looked myself in the mirror, I knew exactly that was the one for me – it didn’t need any adjustment whatsoever. Just perfect. I paid the deposit and was to collect the wedding gown two weeks before the wedding day.

All along I was checking with Jabu to ensure that his personal preparations were on also track – suit, shoes, shirt etc.

There was also some critical business of purchasing wedding rings. We went to the jewellery shop where Jabu had bought my engagement ring to looking for a matching one. We bought two beautiful wedding rings from this shop.

My sisters-in-law arranged a surprise kitchen party for me. I had attended a few of these before, but it is all different and special when it is yours. We had a great time and received a lot words of wisdom and counselling from the married and more matured ladies. I received lots of kitchen utensils as presents.

One of Jabu’s friends and mentor had moved to Harare from Chinhoyi. He arranged a surprise bachelor’s party for Jabu on a Sunday. However, that weekend was the one that Jabu had decided that he will not be coming to Harare. How are we going to bring him to Harare?

First thing Saturday morning, the mentor phoned the lady who sponsored Jabu to go to the Youth Bible Conference (check it in The Meeting blog) to tell Jabu when she meets him at church that he should come to Harare on Sunday without fail.

Jabu was confused. What was happening in Harare? He reluctantly came.

He later said that he had not attended, let alone, heard about a bachelor’s party before. It was hosted in a flat on the same block as my new flat. Jabu’s friends and a couple of pastors were there.

Stress? Preparing for our wedding was a stressful experience. We thank God for the contributions and support from our family and friends that massively relieved this stress.

One challenge we faced was planning a wedding whilst we were in separate locations with limited communication channels. Moving around Harare without dedicated transport was also a challenge.

Time flies when you are having fun. And busy. Soon it was late afternoon on Friday 30th November 1990, we both felt such great relief. We looked at our checklist for the last time and everything was in place. As the sun set we felt such peace in our hearts.

Next blog is on The Wedding Day Part 1. Thank you for being with us on the journey so far.