The Wedding Day (Part 2)

It’s our wedding day. Welcome and thank you for joining us.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl) and Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles and FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1. For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

We continue …

The Wedding Ceremony

Then we were side by side on our wedding day.

“Rudo runotifadza” (Tis love that makes us happy), was the opening song. This song accurately reflected how we felt.

Then it was time for the ceremony. Wim and I had decided that we stand throughout the whole ceremony. The officiating minister, who happened to be the church conference president (church leader looking after the east of Zimbabwe), had asked what language we would prefer to use for the ceremony – English or Shona.

Since we expected a number of non-Shona speaking guests we suggested English with Shona translation. The officiating minister engaged a translator, another minister. That combination worked very well – very funny and engaging.

The sermonette concluded with the words “Today Jabulani and Wimbayi, you have decided to form a kingdom, where Jabulani will be king and Wimbayi will be queen and the Lord Almighty will be above you both.”

Then it was time for the vows.

Wedding Vows

Following our counselling session with the minister and his wife, Wim and I had agreed that we would memorise our vows. Since, the minister had given us poetic licence we gladly accepted that offer.

Facing each other and holding each other’s right hand, I started

Jabu’s Vows

“Pamberi paMwari, hama ne shamwari, Ini Jabulani Mpofu, ndinokutora iwe Wimbayi Nyabani, kuti uve chido chemoyo wangu. Ndinovimbisa kukuda, kukuremekedza, nekutaura chokwadi kwauri nguva dzose. Pavasikana vese vazere munyika, ini ndasarudza iwe kuti uve mudzimai wangu wemuchato, nokuti wakaita seruva pakati peminzwa. Ndinovimbisa kukuda muhutano nemuuherwere, muhupfumi nemuhurombo kusvikira rufu rwatipatsanisa. Ichi ndicho chitsidzo changu”

(Before God, friends and family, I, Jabulani Mpofu, take you Wimbayi Nyabani to be my sweetheart. I promise to love, honour and be true to you at all times. From among all the ladies in the world, I have chosen you, to be my wedded wife, as you are like a lily among thorns. I promise to love you in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, until death do us part; and this is a sign of my love for you”) I said sliding the wedding ring on her finger to a rapturous applause, Amens and ululating.

Like a lily among thorns, is my darling among women

Song of Solomom 2:2 (GNT)

Wim’s Vows

“Pamberi paMwari, hama ne shamwari, Ini Wimbayi Nyabani, ndinokutora iwe Jabulani Mpofu, kuti uve murume wangu wemuchato. Ndinovimbisa kukuda, kukuremekedza, nekutaura chokwadi kwauri nguva dzose. Ndichakupa kunyemwerera kwangu kwose, kuti imba yedu ive kadenga kaduku. Ndinovimbisa kukuda muhutano nemuuherwere, muhupfumi nemuhurombo kusvikira rufu rwatipatsanisa. Ichi ndicho chitsidzo changu”

(Before God, friends and family, I,Wimbayi Nyabani, take you Jabulani Mpofu to be my wedded husband. I promise to love, honour and be true to you at all times. I promise to give you my smile and do everything to ensure that our home will be a little heaven on earth. I promise to love you in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, until death do us part; and this is a sign of my love for you”) Wim said as she put a ring on my finger. The response was equally rapturous.

Then we knelt for prayer of blessing for our new home, offered by Wim’s local pastor.

As we got back on our feet, the officiating minister then said “On this day on 2^nd December 1990, and at this time, with the authority given to me by the government of Zimbabwe, and authority given to me by the word of God, I declare that Jabulani and Wimbayi are now husband and wife. What God has joined together let no man put asunder.” Loud Amens were heard in the church.

Then it was time to unveil my bride. What a beauty. Gorgeous. The beautiful smile.

The minister had advised us that he would not ask me to kiss the bride, but he will instead give me a cue at the right time. After unveiling Wim, the minister read a couple of Bible verses for us.

“Jabulani, every morning you wake up you should say to Wimbayi, in the words of Song of Solomon 4:7 You are all fair my love; And there is no spot in you”

“In response, Wimbayi you should repeat the words of Song of Solomon 1:2 “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is better than wine” (We liked how the other minister interpreted it – Ngaandi tsvode nemuromo wake chaiwo, chaiwo uyo)

I took a step towards Wim, my hands gently wrapped around her waist as she reached out her hands to rest on my shoulders and we kissed! There were loud rings of “Amen!” and ululation.

Then there was the legal stuff to sort out. We went onto the platform to sign the register and marriage certificate. Meanwhile Wim’s local church choir was blessing the guests with a song – one they had specifically composed for this special occasion with our names intertwined in the lyrics.

Then there was the cake cutting; Wim serving both sets of parents, with me in attendance.

Family representatives then made the speeches. My auntie (my late mum’s younger sister) gave a beautiful and touching speech which she concluded with the words. “Tinokugamuchira Wimbayi. Tinokuda chaizvo Wimbayi.” (We welcome you Wimbayi. We love you very much Wimbayi)

Wim’s uncle (her mum’s younger brother) gave a speech concentrating on Wim’s upbringing with her maternal grandparents. He mentioned how the whole family was happy for this day. He shook my hand as he congratulated and welcomed me into the Nyabani family.

Then came the next bit that Wim and I didn’t know was in the programme; we had never seen anything like this at the numerous weddings we had attended before. The officiating minister’s wife took the microphone and handed over to us the marriage certificate we had just signed.

“Wimbayi and Jabulani, congratulations on your wedding day. I am happy to handover this marriage certificate to you. However, I want to remind you that this is not a graduation certificate, but a certificate to show that you have just passed the entrance examination. In marriage you will never graduate; you will always be learning”

That was a profound statement, and this marked our Lesson 1 in Marriage – You never graduate, but you are always learning. This has been one of the driving forces for our marriage: There is always room for improvement. As we mentioned in our first blog and About Us page, we are very happily married. However, we do not consider that we have “reached” or at pinnacle of our marriage – far from it; we are still work in progress. We strive to always learn and improve.

We know that as soon as we feel that we have “reached”, then that marks the beginning of the decaying process of our relationship. Every day presents new challenges and we have to be intentional as we face these challenges. We endeavour to make tomorrow better than today, by God’s grace. We cannot afford to stand still.

We always seek out ways to make each other happy. The Wim I married in 1990, is different to the Wim I live with now. She has changed as she has grown physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, experentially and spiritually. And so have I. I am not the same Jabu whom Wim married on that day, almost 30 years ago. This calls us to continuously assess whether our contribution to our marriage is still meeting each other’s needs.

This awareness that we are entering marriage as an ever-learning experience helped us (and it still does today) prepare for the up and downs and challenges as we went through the various seasons of our marriage. As our roles grew from being husband and wife to father and mother, we have seen this being fulfilled in our lives.

We always look for ways to improve our marriage. We continue to read widely on marriage and family life matters. We have attended numerous marriage enrichment seminars.

When we were in Zimbabwe, for years we were part of a team planning our church’s district annual couples retreats. We invited different experienced and inspiring presenters and counsellors to these events which we held at beautiful holiday resorts across the country. We are sure it is not only our marriage that benefited from these events.

Here in the UK, after a slow start, we have been involved in planning couples retreats/seminars/dinners for our local church. Our marriage and family has benefited tremendously from the lessons we learnt at these retreats and seminars. We have attended a couple of conference couples events as well.

We would recommend that as couples, whether newly wedded or have been married for decades, make time to attend such gatherings. Some couples have complained of the expense of these retreats, but we would earnestly encourage you to invest in your marriage. Believe us, it will be worth every penny spent. Put it on your budget and save for such retreats. We strongly believe these are different to couples/family holidays – their objective is to enrich your marriage.

Back to the wedding, the minister’s wife continued …

“You two are coming from two different homes, from the Nyabanis and the Mpofus. You were raised in different ways. Let me illustrate” She had her props ready. “Let’s say this Fanta orange represents you Wimbayi” as she poured it into a glass. “You are different from Jabulani. You were raised in a different environment. This lemonade represents you Jabulani” as she poured it into the same glass. As you can see it is different. You were raised so differently from Wimbayi.

Now as you can see the Fanta orange has now been diluted by the lemonade and the lemonade has taken some of the Fanta orange colour. This is what you have formed today. You are forming a new home that is not the same as the Nyabanis or the Mpofus. It may have traits from both families, but it will be different. It is unique. Let me ask Pastor to taste this new drink and tell us what he thinks of the taste” she said handing the drink to her husband, the officiating minister.

The pastor took the glass, drank a mouthful and paused as if he was listening to something. Then his face brightened and broke into a wide smile and said “This drink tastes like one I drank in a hotel. It tastes like real Quench” The guests erupted in applause and laughter

She continued. “Equally, let’s say there are two rivers which are meeting – water in one of rivers is red, taking the colour of the soil that it has been flowing through and the other one is black. When the two rivers meet, there will be some commotion and upheavals as the two rivers combine. However, when you follow the combined river further down stream, you will see that the river is now calmer. The colour of the water is now a blend of the two colours. This is what will happen with your marriage. As you start your new married lives, you may face challenges as you try to adjust – you may face some conflict as you come to terms with each other’s personalities and behaviours. Please do not give up. Talk things through. Try to resolve any conflicts you may have. As you continue in your marriage you will realise that things will become calmer and more fulfilling”

This was Lesson 2 for us – our home will be a blend of our different upbringings and by God’s grace it can be sweeter and unique.

We needed to be aware of potential challenges, and we should learn to adjust and be accommodating. Over the years we have learnt how to effectively resolve conflicts. We have found effective listening to be such an important part of this. Wim and I do not agree on everything (ask Tim and Nomsa!) but we candidly and respectfully discuss issues and try to understand the other side. We are committed not to say any harsh or unkind words to each other – not to engage in condescending innuendos. We committed that our home will be sweeter. This was set even before the children arrived.

The minister’s wife was not done yet.

“Now I want to talk to the in laws. Sekuru and Ambuya Nyabani, today you have got yourself another son, Jabulani. He has come to join your family. He is going to behave just like your sons. At times he may do things, say things that you will not be happy with. When this happens, may you please treat him just like how you would treat Crybert (Wim’s eldest brother) and overlook his faults and embrace him.”

Laughter broke out as people looked at Wim’s brother. “Sekuru and Ambuya Mpofu, you have daughters in your home. Wimbayi has come to join your daughters. When your daughters do something that does not please you, “munoginya mate” (you overlook it), because they are your daughters. Please do the same to Wimbayi – she is now your daughter.”

We are glad that both sides of our families took this advice seriously and it has helped our marriage immensely. From that day the Nyabanis started treating me as their son – Wim’s brothers took me as their own brother. We will cover more about relationships with the in-laws later but we think a sneak preview may help.

I remember it was the second Christmas into our marriage, Wim’s eldest brother asked what our plans were for Christmas. His family were planning to visit Sekuru and Ambuya Nyabani at the village, and invited us to join them. Since Wim and I didn’t have a car, he offered us one of his cars for the journey. It was just the beginning of a relationship that has continued to grow up to this day.

I also remember one Sunday, I am not sure what emergency had hit us, but we realised we didn’t have enough money to take us to payday which was coming up later that week. I got an Emergency Taxi (ET) and went to Wim’s brother’s place.

When I arrived, I went to the kitchen and mentioned our predicament to his wife. She was so generous, and I came back home with some foodstuffs and money to see us up to the payday. I was family! (We will cover more later under Family Finance).

All my sisters genuinely love Wim and she acknowledges it so much. I grew up with my sisters as the only brother. When Wim came, they opened up to welcome her. They did not see her coming in as a threat to our sibling relationships, but an enhancement. This made life so easy for me as I have not been put in a situation where I need to choose between my wife and my siblings.

These are the first three lessons we got on our wedding day, soon after our wedding vows.

Lesson 1 – You do not graduate in this relationship. The certificate is that you have passed the entrance examination. Marriage is lifelong learning. Study to advance the happiness of each other.

Lesson 2 – As the two people join in holy matrimony, conflict may come – but learn to resolve conflict amicably and make the necessary adjustments. What you are forming together will be unique and sweeter than where you are coming from.

Lesson 3 – In laws relationships can help enhance your marriage

We had just been married. By far the best day in our lives!

Our MC then announced “When God created Adam and Eve, the first thing He gave them was food; so we have enough food for everyone here…”

We bet you don’t want to miss the wedding reception, the Zimbabwean wedding celebrations, and how I took my bride to my home in Chinhoyi. Please subscribe to our blog and share with others. The next week’s blog will be on The Rest of the Wedding Day.