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Empty Nest Our Faith Our Relationship Parenting

Distractions at Plot 96A

Distractions, distractions, distractions! We have gone for three weeks without posting on our blog. We have been extremely busy and we have decided to share the lessons we have learnt whilst we were AWOL 😉 (Absent Without Official Leave)

If this is your first time here, we extend a very warm welcome to you. We suggest that you read our previous blog posts on this link Previous Blog Posts, to give you some background information and how we got to this point.

Background to the distractions…

As we mentioned in our Empty Nest blog post, we have just acquired an allotment – kamunda kedu! To be precise we got the allotment in November last year. For the benefit of those in the southern hemisphere, over here November is the time when winter will be setting in with those dreary dark days. Our allotment number is Plot 96A,  hence the title of this blog post.

We were excited to finally get an allotment and we started preparing slowly. The allotment we got had not been used for the past 6 years and therefore was very much overgrown. We had never seen so much nettle thistle in one place! The work appeared so daunting.

Trying to figure out how to tackle this

We will share with you a brief timeline and the lessons we have learnt so far on this new adventure. Jabu and I saw that this is one thing that both of us would enjoy doing – surprisingly we didn’t use to do this in Zim. The past two years we had started growing some vegetables in pots in our tiny back garden and we had enjoyed the fruit of our labour.

Clearing of the allotment

We started clearing the plot systematically. Spring appeared so far away, but we knew that there was a lot of work to be done. Our friend and gardening mentor was on hand to encourage us as the task looked so huge. On his advice, we planted some garlic and onions on the first bit of piece of land we cleared. We learnt that garlic and onions are not affected by the cold winters!

The first patch we cleared – Nov 2020

As they say a picture is worth a thousand words, we will share photos of our progress to date followed by Family Life Lessons we have learnt so far from the allotment

A simple timeline of photos follows

March 2021 Look at that face – strategising!
April 2021 Spreading manure
April 2021 – All cleared and covered – ready for spring
May 2021 – Planting the greens
May 2021 Passion for the work at the allotment
May 2021 We had to call for help from Guildford
May 2021 Pumpkins planted – the cover is to help with weed control
May 2021 All hands on deck
June 2021 Happy allotment worker
June 2021 – The “Inspector” from London gave a thumbs up
June 2021 – Harvest of garlic planted in Nov 2020
June 2021 What is a garden without the greens – mavheji!
June 2021 Tsunga – ready for the pot. Had it with dovi (peanut butter) -Yummy!
June 2021 – Courgettes to be ready for harvest in two weeks
June 2021 – Pototoes now flowering
June 2021 – Lettuce – ready for the table
May 2021 – Netting structure – look at that sledge hammer
May 2021 – Netting
June 2021 Needed second layer of netting

Family Life Lessons From Plot 96A

Lesson 1 : It takes hard work and commitment if you want to have a good harvest

Allotment is hard work from clearing the overgrown allotment, digging, putting manure, preparing the beds, sowing the seeds, transplanting, watering, weeding etc – it is hard work but so enjoyable and fulfilling. We have been consistent and committed in our efforts. After our first taste of the produce from the allotment so far (mustard greens – tsunga and rape), it has been worth it! And we look forward to some more produce.

Just last Sunday – we took a truck load of delivery in preparation for next season – and we had to shift it! Hard work continues… who needs to go to the gym after this?

Interview with Jabu! Didn’t realise he was being recorded- lol

The same applies with family life. We shared earlier that parenting is hard work but one of the most fulfilling roles in someone’s life. We feel that as a family, when every member puts in the hard work, the fruit will be worthwhile for all. Therefore, we encourage everyone to be committed to the happiness of your own family.

Lesson 2: Importance of Mentors in life

In life it is important to identify mentors who can help you on the journey. For our allotment we are blessed to have a friend who has had his allotment for over 20 years and was willing to help us. He advises, but leaves us to make our own decisions. Sometimes we struggle to do certain tasks – thankfully he is on hand to show us and then he watches us until we get the hang of it. Jabu and I have learnt so many gardening skills from our friend.

Tim and our Mentor – Bro Jeff

We think this is equally important in family settings. A quick reminder to our young friends. You are NOT the first one to be doing the things you are doing or facing the situations that you are facing. You will benefit immensely if you allow your parents to be your mentors. As you grow, look around for people you admire and get close to them. I bet they will be willing to help you on your journey. As you get in relationships, identify a mentor who can help you on this important phase of your own development. After marriage as a young couple, you may want to look for another mature couple who can help you. By the way, the mentors are not there to “run” your life but they are there to support you in case you need them. Over the years, the mentors would have picked up from their experience a lot of valuable lessons they would like to share with others.

Lesson 3: Laws of Agriculture

  • You reap what you sow

This sounds so obvious but you will be surprised by how many people miss this. The Bible says in Galatians 6:7 – Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.

At our allotment we have sown beans, potatoes, sweet corn, tomatoes, pumpkins etc. There is nowhere we expect to harvest something we have not planted. The same applies to life. If you want to harvest love, joy, care,.. in your family you should plant love, joy, care…. Every member of the family should be in the business of planting this. It is not just for the parents to sow this whilst the children are looking on.

  • You reap some time after you sow

Even in this  age of instant gratification, the allotment taught us that you don’t harvest immediately after sowing. We planted our garlic in December and we only harvested them last week. Some plants even take longer than that. So it is with our lives, be patient. Sometimes it may appear that your sowing is not producing any results – surely the fruits will come. As a young person those long days of studying and working hard may not seem to produce any results but please hang in there. It will surely come good. We have and continue to see it in our family.

  • You reap a lot more than you sow

This the joy of gardening! You sow one kernel of sweetcorn (chibage) and you harvest a cob (muguri). We haven’t harvested our sweetcorn yet, but we have already experienced this from our garlic – we planted one clove of garlic and we harvested a full garlic bulb.

The Bible also warns about planting the wrong stuff – Hosea 8:7 – they sow the wind and reap the whirlwind.

This also applies to the family life – if you want to get more of certain stuff, just invest in planting that same stuff and you will get a lot more than you have invested. What do you want in your family? Just deliberately plant that same thing you want to see.

Lesson 4: Determination/resilience

At our allotment up to date we have faced a number of challenges. One day after planting our potatoes nicely, we came the next day to see many of the potatoes thrown all over the plot. There were animal prints that followed the lines we had planted – we suspect that a fox my have come during the night. We replanted them and the same thing happened the following day. This was so discouraging. Then we decided to replant them and cover them up with our land cover until we see them sprouting. When we uncovered them, they were now safe and no problem from the animals.

The other time we planted some dwarf beans. After a couple of weeks, we noticed that only a few had germinated. We had to replant, and this time sowing a few more in each hole and at the time of writing, they had all germinated.

In life, sometimes things do not work out as expected. You may see surprises, but do not throw in the towel. Try to look for ways around the problem. Try to resolve the problem. Even with the best plan, sometimes in life things don’t go according to that plan. Try, try, try again, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again.

Lesson 5: Beware of the weeds

Our mentor said these profound words of advice – Be sure to stay on top of the weeds. As a gardener, you learn that you do not plant weeds but they grow up anyhow. If you are not vigilant, you will wake up one day to find out the whole allotment taken over by weeds. They will take all the water and nutrients meant for the plant. Therefore, what we do is every time we see a weed, we get rid of it.

What we have also done is to get rid of the pests. We used a netting to cover up the plants that can be eaten by birds or butterflies can lay their eggs (caterpillars).

The same applies with family life. As a parent, you may realise that there are some bad habits or language that a child has picked up from somewhere – TV, friends etc – it is important that these are nipped in the bud. If “weeds” are left to flourish, they will take a lot more effort later to get rid of. As parents we also encourage that you also protect your children from external influences, like how we used the netting at the allotment – if this not done you are at risk of losing all the hard work that you have put in to raising your children.

As a couple, another lesson we pick from the allotment is, what are the “weeds” that are taking the nutrients of the marriage? Could it be TV, external interests etc. It is important as a couple to quickly identify these weeds and get rid of them before they get out of hand.

Lesson 6: Understanding “perfection”

We are very happy with our sweetcorn and potatoes. Why are we happy when the sweetcorn does not have any cobs?  Because our sweetcorn is “perfect” for its stage of life/growth. The lesson that we learnt from this is that as a family you should allow each other room to reach full potential. As parents it is important you notice the potential of your children and help them realise their potential.

June 2021 – Sweetcorn – looking good

As a couple, allow each other time to grow and mature. Jabu and I always look back and laugh at some of the things that we used to do that showed a lot immaturity. Jabu always says to me in the hearing of our children – “Wim you are not the woman I married and neither am I the man you married. We have both changed so much through our life experiences together”. So true. Marriage is all about growth and it continues to be work in progress.

These are some of the lessons we have learnt so far from our allotment. I hope this explains why we had gone AWOL! In June we also hosted our children when they came up north for my birthday. What a great time we had – special! We had last seen them in July last year.

Next blog, we will be going back to our tour of Israel… More love at home!


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Empty Nest Our Relationship Parenting

Empty Nest

We are glad to be back after a couple of weeks hiatus. We come back refreshed. We hope you managed to find time to discuss your take on the Ingredients of a Happy Family, as per activity in our last blog post.

If this is your first time here, we extend a very warm welcome to you. We suggest that you read our previous blog posts on this link Previous Blog Posts, to give you some background information and how we got to this point.

Today we want to share our experiences as empty nesters. We think that in Zimbabwe due to the extended families etc, empty nests are quite rare. For the avoidance of doubt, by definition, an empty nest is when the children have all grown and left home and only parent(s) remain at home.

Yes, we are and we have been empty nesters for quite some time now. It has been a journey and in the process we have picked a number of lessons we will be sharing with you.

As children leave the home, parents are affected one way or another. Parents may react differently to this life changing moment. As we were preparing this blog, we asked each other how our empty nest impacted us and we affirmed that Jabu and I are affected almost the same way. If, as parents, you feel the effects differently, that is all normal and you will be able to support each other in this phase of your lives.

We mentioned in an earlier blog post that when we dropped Tim off at uni for the first time, we knew that our family life as we knew it then was going to change forever – we saw it coming. It is surprising that as parents sometimes we are taken by surprise by things that are inevitable. Our advice to fellow parents is – your nest is going to be empty at one time and you better prepare before your beloved birds fly the nest. The experience can be painful but there are some things as parents we can put in place to help us manage and adjust.

We also mentioned in an earlier blog that coming to the UK was the first time our family stayed as the four of us without any extended members of family. We built a strong relationship with each of our children as we spent more time together.

As our children left home, we had mixed feelings and emotions. One was that our children had now grown up to be able to live on their own; but on the other hand, were nervous and anxious how they will manage on their own. On one hand you are happy for raising a young adult, but there is also of tinge of deep sadness to see them leave. It was time for us to watch as we witness whether all those lessons taught had been learnt.

For us our nest did not empty all at once – Tim finished uni before Nomsa finished college. Then it happened in quick succession – Tim moved to London and after a few months Nomsa started uni. When we dropped Nomsa off at the University of Brighton for the first time, I could not hold my tears back. I was leaving my little girl on her own for the first time in my life. Jabu appeared strong but I know that deep down he was also sad.

This was the first time Jabu and I would be going back to an empty nest. After dropping Tim off in London on our way back, the five-hour drive back home on that day was not easy. After all those years I had spent with Nomsa doing the school runs and supporting her, it was sad to see her leave the house for the last time – very sad.

Thankfully we had discussed about this moment so many times and we appreciated it’s inevitability. From our own experiences and wider reading we have come up with some tips that have helped us manage and cope with our empty nest.

Tip 1 – Be aware that an Empty Nest is coming.

Don’t be taken by surprise. We encourage you not to make children the center of your relationship or communication – yes, they are key members of the family but they will soon fly the nest to start their own lives and families. You have to deliberately nurture your own relationship – invest time and effort into it; it is a worthwhile investment.

Tip 2 – Talk about it

Yes, talk about it with your spouse before it happens; read other people’s experiences. Freely discuss your anxieties and fears. If you are a single parent, talk with a trusted friend.  

Jabu and I freely shared our thoughts and feelings as Tim’s departure from home approached. As Nomsa left home, we were also careful not to put both of them under pressure of helping us deal with our anticipated loneliness and sadness.

Tip 3: Get Busy and Keep Busy

As the time of flying the nest approaches, look for something to keep you busy – those things that you always wanted to do but never got that time and opportunity to do.

Fortunately for me, as soon as Nomsa finished high school I embarked on studies of my own, which was a good distraction. As I was also working part-time and studying, I hardly had free time where my thoughts would wander. We also thank God we are in the UK where there are plenty of things to do at whatever age.

Jabu had always tried something new, outside his comfort zone. Some years ago, he trained as a Christian radio presenter. He only stopped presenting when the travel cost to the radio station became unsustainable.

He has also tried playing the piano – success was limited, possibly due to lack of consistency of practice. 😉

Tip 4 – Do things together

Identify things that both of you can do together and even try something new.

Jabu and I have always tried to do some things together. We try to shop together, walk together, cook together, eat together (even when I come back from a shift late at night, Jabu will be waiting), travel together (we had a recent amazing, faith-affirming trip to the Holy Land/Israel just before the pandemic hit – look out for a blog on this!)

Lately we have zeroed in on something we are both doing and enjoying: We now have an allotment!  (Tave neka munda kedu). Our lives are not boring at all – one day we are at the allotment and the next we are having a weekly Bible Study with some good friends on Zoom.

Since last September, we have also started this blog which you now are reading. You will be surprised to find out how much our own marriage and family life is benefiting from retelling our story.

Tip 5 – Reignite that Romance

There is a sweet Shona saying that says “Rudo imoto unotopfutidzirwa” (Love is like a fire that needs fanning). Continue to take care of your “love plant”. Don’t forget that there were just two of you when you started the family. With the advent of children, some attention would have gone away from each other and shared with the children. Now you have the whole house to yourself, reignite that romance. Rewind and look at things you used to enjoy doing before the children were born.

Many studies have been carried out trying to gauge the level of marital satisfaction at each of marriage’s key moments. See the chart below from Dan Gilbert’s book, Stumbling on Happiness.

Dan Gilbert : Stumbling on Happiness

The most important graph – is not Study 1, 2, 3 or 4 but YOUR graph. Take a moment to sit down and draw your own graph. As you can see it covers every phase of the married life. As you prepare for the next phase is your lives, see what best you can do to increase your marital satisfaction

We hope you can glean something from the tips above. Thank you for reading! Until next time, God bless you and your family.