Categories
Our Relationship

The Wedding Day (Part 2)

It’s our wedding day. Welcome and thank you for joining us.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl) and Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles and FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1. For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

We continue …

The Wedding Ceremony

Then we were side by side on our wedding day.

“Rudo runotifadza” (Tis love that makes us happy), was the opening song. This song accurately reflected how we felt.

Then it was time for the ceremony. Wim and I had decided that we stand throughout the whole ceremony. The officiating minister, who happened to be the church conference president (church leader looking after the east of Zimbabwe), had asked what language we would prefer to use for the ceremony – English or Shona.

Since we expected a number of non-Shona speaking guests we suggested English with Shona translation. The officiating minister engaged a translator, another minister. That combination worked very well – very funny and engaging.

The sermonette concluded with the words “Today Jabulani and Wimbayi, you have decided to form a kingdom, where Jabulani will be king and Wimbayi will be queen and the Lord Almighty will be above you both.”

Then it was time for the vows.

Wedding Vows

Following our counselling session with the minister and his wife, Wim and I had agreed that we would memorise our vows. Since, the minister had given us poetic licence we gladly accepted that offer.

Facing each other and holding each other’s right hand, I started

Jabu’s Vows

“Pamberi paMwari, hama ne shamwari, Ini Jabulani Mpofu, ndinokutora iwe Wimbayi Nyabani, kuti uve chido chemoyo wangu. Ndinovimbisa kukuda, kukuremekedza, nekutaura chokwadi kwauri nguva dzose. Pavasikana vese vazere munyika, ini ndasarudza iwe kuti uve mudzimai wangu wemuchato, nokuti wakaita seruva pakati peminzwa. Ndinovimbisa kukuda muhutano nemuuherwere, muhupfumi nemuhurombo kusvikira rufu rwatipatsanisa. Ichi ndicho chitsidzo changu”

(Before God, friends and family, I, Jabulani Mpofu, take you Wimbayi Nyabani to be my sweetheart. I promise to love, honour and be true to you at all times. From among all the ladies in the world, I have chosen you, to be my wedded wife, as you are like a lily among thorns. I promise to love you in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, until death do us part; and this is a sign of my love for you”) I said sliding the wedding ring on her finger to a rapturous applause, Amens and ululating.

Like a lily among thorns, is my darling among women

Song of Solomom 2:2 (GNT)

Wim’s Vows

“Pamberi paMwari, hama ne shamwari, Ini Wimbayi Nyabani, ndinokutora iwe Jabulani Mpofu, kuti uve murume wangu wemuchato. Ndinovimbisa kukuda, kukuremekedza, nekutaura chokwadi kwauri nguva dzose. Ndichakupa kunyemwerera kwangu kwose, kuti imba yedu ive kadenga kaduku. Ndinovimbisa kukuda muhutano nemuuherwere, muhupfumi nemuhurombo kusvikira rufu rwatipatsanisa. Ichi ndicho chitsidzo changu”

(Before God, friends and family, I,Wimbayi Nyabani, take you Jabulani Mpofu to be my wedded husband. I promise to love, honour and be true to you at all times. I promise to give you my smile and do everything to ensure that our home will be a little heaven on earth. I promise to love you in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, until death do us part; and this is a sign of my love for you”) Wim said as she put a ring on my finger. The response was equally rapturous.

Then we knelt for prayer of blessing for our new home, offered by Wim’s local pastor.

As we got back on our feet, the officiating minister then said “On this day on 2nd December 1990, and at this time, with the authority given to me by the government of Zimbabwe, and authority given to me by the word of God, I declare that Jabulani and Wimbayi are now husband and wife. What God has joined together let no man put asunder.” Loud Amens were heard in the church.

Then it was time to unveil my bride. What a beauty. Gorgeous. The beautiful smile.

The minister had advised us that he would not ask me to kiss the bride, but he will instead give me a cue at the right time. After unveiling Wim, the minister read a couple of Bible verses for us.

“Jabulani, every morning you wake up you should say to Wimbayi, in the words of Song of Solomon 4:7 You are all fair my love; And there is no spot in you”

“In response, Wimbayi you should repeat the words of Song of Solomon 1:2 “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is better than wine” (We liked how the other minister interpreted it – Ngaandi tsvode nemuromo wake chaiwo, chaiwo uyo)

I took a step towards Wim, my hands gently wrapped around her waist as she reached out her hands to rest on my shoulders and we kissed! There were loud rings of “Amen!” and ululation.

Then there was the legal stuff to sort out. We went onto the platform to sign the register and marriage certificate. Meanwhile Wim’s local church choir was blessing the guests with a song – one they had specifically composed for this special occasion with our names intertwined in the lyrics.

Then there was the cake cutting; Wim serving both sets of parents, with me in attendance.

Family representatives then made the speeches. My auntie (my late mum’s younger sister) gave a beautiful and touching speech which she concluded with the words. “Tinokugamuchira Wimbayi. Tinokuda chaizvo Wimbayi.” (We welcome you Wimbayi. We love you very much Wimbayi)

Wim’s uncle (her mum’s younger brother) gave a speech concentrating on Wim’s upbringing with her maternal grandparents. He mentioned how the whole family was happy for this day. He shook my hand as he congratulated and welcomed me into the Nyabani family.

Then came the next bit that Wim and I didn’t know was in the programme; we had never seen anything like this at the numerous weddings we had attended before. The officiating minister’s wife took the microphone and handed over to us the marriage certificate we had just signed.

“Wimbayi and Jabulani, congratulations on your wedding day. I am happy to handover this marriage certificate to you. However, I want to remind you that this is not a graduation certificate, but a certificate to show that you have just passed the entrance examination. In marriage you will never graduate; you will always be learning”

That was a profound statement, and this marked our Lesson 1 in Marriage – You never graduate, but you are always learning. This has been one of the driving forces for our marriage: There is always room for improvement. As we mentioned in our first blog and About Us page, we are very happily married. However, we do not consider that we have “reached” or at pinnacle of our marriage – far from it; we are still work in progress. We strive to always learn and improve.

We know that as soon as we feel that we have “reached”, then that marks the beginning of the decaying process of our relationship. Every day presents new challenges and we have to be intentional as we face these challenges. We endeavour to make tomorrow better than today, by God’s grace. We cannot afford to stand still.

We always seek out ways to make each other happy. The Wim I married in 1990, is different to the Wim I live with now. She has changed as she has grown physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, experentially and spiritually. And so have I. I am not the same Jabu whom Wim married on that day, almost 30 years ago. This calls us to continuously assess whether our contribution to our marriage is still meeting each other’s needs.

This awareness that we are entering marriage as an ever-learning experience helped us (and it still does today) prepare for the up and downs and challenges as we went through the various seasons of our marriage. As our roles grew from being husband and wife to father and mother, we have seen this being fulfilled in our lives.

We always look for ways to improve our marriage. We continue to read widely on marriage and family life matters. We have attended numerous marriage enrichment seminars.

When we were in Zimbabwe, for years we were part of a team planning our church’s district annual couples retreats. We invited different experienced and inspiring presenters and counsellors to these events which we held at beautiful holiday resorts across the country. We are sure it is not only our marriage that benefited from these events.

Here in the UK, after a slow start, we have been involved in planning couples retreats/seminars/dinners for our local church. Our marriage and family has benefited tremendously from the lessons we learnt at these retreats and seminars. We have attended a couple of conference couples events as well.

We would recommend that as couples, whether newly wedded or have been married for decades, make time to attend such gatherings. Some couples have complained of the expense of these retreats, but we would earnestly encourage you to invest in your marriage. Believe us, it will be worth every penny spent. Put it on your budget and save for such retreats. We strongly believe these are different to couples/family holidays – their objective is to enrich your marriage.

Back to the wedding, the minister’s wife continued …

“You two are coming from two different homes, from the Nyabanis and the Mpofus. You were raised in different ways. Let me illustrate” She had her props ready. “Let’s say this Fanta orange represents you Wimbayi” as she poured it into a glass. “You are different from Jabulani. You were raised in a different environment. This lemonade represents you Jabulani” as she poured it into the same glass. As you can see it is different. You were raised so differently from Wimbayi.

Now as you can see the Fanta orange has now been diluted by the lemonade and the lemonade has taken some of the Fanta orange colour. This is what you have formed today. You are forming a new home that is not the same as the Nyabanis or the Mpofus. It may have traits from both families, but it will be different. It is unique. Let me ask Pastor to taste this new drink and tell us what he thinks of the taste” she said handing the drink to her husband, the officiating minister.

The pastor took the glass, drank a mouthful and paused as if he was listening to something. Then his face brightened and broke into a wide smile and said “This drink tastes like one I drank in a hotel. It tastes like real Quench” The guests erupted in applause and laughter

She continued. “Equally, let’s say there are two rivers which are meeting – water in one of rivers is red, taking the colour of the soil that it has been flowing through and the other one is black. When the two rivers meet, there will be some commotion and upheavals as the two rivers combine. However, when you follow the combined river further down stream, you will see that the river is now calmer. The colour of the water is now a blend of the two colours. This is what will happen with your marriage. As you start your new married lives, you may face challenges as you try to adjust – you may face some conflict as you come to terms with each other’s personalities and behaviours. Please do not give up. Talk things through. Try to resolve any conflicts you may have. As you continue in your marriage you will realise that things will become calmer and more fulfilling”

This was Lesson 2 for us – our home will be a blend of our different upbringings and by God’s grace it can be sweeter and unique.

We needed to be aware of potential challenges, and we should learn to adjust and be accommodating. Over the years we have learnt how to effectively resolve conflicts. We have found effective listening to be such an important part of this. Wim and I do not agree on everything (ask Tim and Nomsa!) but we candidly and respectfully discuss issues and try to understand the other side. We are committed not to say any harsh or unkind words to each other – not to engage in condescending innuendos. We committed that our home will be sweeter. This was set even before the children arrived.

The minister’s wife was not done yet.

“Now I want to talk to the in laws. Sekuru and Ambuya Nyabani, today you have got yourself another son, Jabulani. He has come to join your family. He is going to behave just like your sons. At times he may do things, say things that you will not be happy with. When this happens, may you please treat him just like how you would treat Crybert (Wim’s eldest brother) and overlook his faults and embrace him.”

Laughter broke out as people looked at Wim’s brother. “Sekuru and Ambuya Mpofu, you have daughters in your home. Wimbayi has come to join your daughters. When your daughters do something that does not please you, “munoginya mate” (you overlook it), because they are your daughters. Please do the same to Wimbayi – she is now your daughter.”

We are glad that both sides of our families took this advice seriously and it has helped our marriage immensely. From that day the Nyabanis started treating me as their son – Wim’s brothers took me as their own brother. We will cover more about relationships with the in-laws later but we think a sneak preview may help.

I remember it was the second Christmas into our marriage, Wim’s eldest brother asked what our plans were for Christmas. His family were planning to visit Sekuru and Ambuya Nyabani at the village, and invited us to join them. Since Wim and I didn’t have a car, he offered us one of his cars for the journey. It was just the beginning of a relationship that has continued to grow up to this day.

I also remember one Sunday, I am not sure what emergency had hit us, but we realised we didn’t have enough money to take us to payday which was coming up later that week. I got an Emergency Taxi (ET) and went to Wim’s brother’s place.

When I arrived, I went to the kitchen and mentioned our predicament to his wife. She was so generous, and I came back home with some foodstuffs and money to see us up to the payday. I was family! (We will cover more later under Family Finance).

All my sisters genuinely love Wim and she acknowledges it so much. I grew up with my sisters as the only brother. When Wim came, they opened up to welcome her. They did not see her coming in as a threat to our sibling relationships, but an enhancement. This made life so easy for me as I have not been put in a situation where I need to choose between my wife and my siblings.

These are the first three lessons we got on our wedding day, soon after our wedding vows.

Lesson 1 – You do not graduate in this relationship. The certificate is that you have passed the entrance examination. Marriage is lifelong learning. Study to advance the happiness of each other.

Lesson 2 – As the two people join in holy matrimony, conflict may come – but learn to resolve conflict amicably and make the necessary adjustments. What you are forming together will be unique and sweeter than where you are coming from.

Lesson 3 – In laws relationships can help enhance your marriage

We had just been married. By far the best day in our lives!

Our MC then announced “When God created Adam and Eve, the first thing He gave them was food; so we have enough food for everyone here…”

We bet you don’t want to miss the wedding reception, the Zimbabwean wedding celebrations, and how I took my bride to my home in Chinhoyi. Please subscribe to our blog and share with others. The next week’s blog will be on The Rest of the Wedding Day.

Categories
Our Relationship

The Wedding Day (Part 1)

Tigashire kumuchato! (Welcome to the wedding!)

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl) and Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles and FAQ & Wedding Preparations For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

Here we go…

Saturday, 1st of December 1990, was a quiet day. Wim and I didn’t worship at the same church – I attended the nearest church in the city centre. In the afternoon, people started arriving in Harare for the big day.

Saturday evening was the final rehearsals for the wedding ceremony programme at Highlands Church.

There was one last cultural hurdle to clear just before the wedding day. While others were at the rehearsals, Jabu’s sisters came “kuzokumbira muroora” (to culturally ask for the bride’s hand in marriage”. There was some dancing and ululating.

Bridegroom

Yes, that is me! Reflecting on this journey I would say thank you Lord for bringing us thus far.

My other mentor and friend whose family had moved to Harare, kindly offered their house to accommodate the groom’s party for the night before the wedding. Five or six of us managed to cram into one bedroom. The whole place was buzzing.

Our host advised us “You guys should get a good night’s sleep and ensure that you have a heavy breakfast tomorrow”.

Good sleep? No chance. After everyone else settled and fell asleep, I just couldn’t sleep. My mind could not settle or relax.

Sunday 2nd December 1990 dawned.

Heavy breakfast? That was a good idea. From the excitement, I didn’t have a good appetite. However, I forced myself to eat and this was a great move, as my next meal would come some seven hours later.

We quickly dressed up and were ready to go for the wedding ceremony. I quickly checked that I had the wedding rings – both rings. Soon our transport, my aunt’s beige Madza 323, came for me. The bridal party quickly decorated the car and we were off to church. A couple of other cars from friends helped ferry the bridal party.

It was a sunny and warm Sunday morning – a typical December summer’s day. The trees were all green and lush. The Highlands suburbs of Harare were posh and you could tell from the well manicured lawns and flower beds.

As we drove past the church to come back on ourselves, that is when it dawned on me how huge this day was- droves of people were milling around the grounds of the church. Some of them were admiring the beautiful, majestic church building and adjoining hall.

As our car pulled into the grounds of the church, the bus carrying Chinhoyi folks was offloading. All those familiar people and in their best clothes. It was just beautiful.

Next to the bus was my brother-in-law’s 7-ton truck and young people were jumping out from the back. Apparently, when the bus came to pick up people from Chinhoyi, there were a lot more people than could fit in the bus. Plan B was quickly hatched – the adults would get in the bus and the youths and young people would get into the 7-ton truck.

This mode of transport was not out of the ordinary when push comes to shove in Zim – even when going to a wedding!

The other cars with the groom’s bridal party arrived. We didn’t get out of the cars. A few people came to my car and smiled and waved. Others just smiled and looked from a distance. I could see our neighbours from Chinhoyi looking on. “Is this Jabu? Our boy from Gadzema Section, who is now about to wed” I could imagine them asking. And my response? “It is because of the Lord’s mercies”

The leader of the male singing group came over to confirm that they were here and rearing to go.

But where was the bride? We waited patiently for my bride. It was her day – our day; and she could take as long as she wanted. I was not anxious at all.

Bride

I could hardly sleep that Saturday night. When we got home from the rehearsals, Jabu’s sisters were still at our place singing and dancing and ululating “Vimbai aenda, muchimuona, makamutarisa, muchimuona” (Vimbai is going/leaving whilst you watch on). By the time they finished the cultural business it was very late.

Normally, I had my hairdresser who would do a long lasting set on my hair; then I would manage on my own for three to four weeks, before I needed another re-set.

I visited the hair salon on the Wednesday before my wedding only to find out that she was no longer working there. People there referred me to another salon. This was getting risky now. I went and as I feared, the lady didn’t do a good job on my hair. I didn’t have time to waste. I will have sort it out on Sunday morning, I concluded.

Now Sunday was here. We woke up very early and started getting ready. My sisters-in-law and Tete were there to help me dress. Jabu’s sisters were also in attendance according to our culture. The hair, as anticipated, caused me a few problems but that was not going to spoil my day.

As I looked myself in the mirror, I smiled. “I think Jabu will love this” I thought.

Compliments and ululations were coming from all corners of the house as I made my way into the lounge. The bridal party was getting into vehicles in readiness for departure as we were already behind time.

A couple of months before my wedding day, my brother had bought a new car – a white Renault R18. One day, I heard him talking with his friends, possibly loud enough so that I could hear. “My sister is wedding soon you know and I want to drive her to the church in my new car”.

Now on the day. My brother was nowhere to be found. On enquiring, he had driven to town to sort out transportation. A local bus that had been hired to ferry people from my church to the wedding venue had not arrived at agreed time as planned.

The bridal party were waiting patiently in their cars but the bride’s car was nowhere to be seen. With no mobile phones, no one knew exactly where my brother was.

After some time Tete came in and said “The car is here”. We quickly made our way outside with the help of my best girl. Cloths were laid on the ground to ensure that I did not step on the ground. This is how a bride is treated in Zim. VIP treatment indeed.

I couldn’t see the Renault R18.

“In here Mainini” Tete directed. There was a cream Mercedes Benz! On the driver’s seat was Tete’s younger brother. There was not even time to decorate the car, the new bride’s car. Then we set off, our car leading the procession. The church was around 3 miles from our house.

Apparently when my brother was not showing up, Tete called her brother who had a car dealership and asked if he had a nice car that could be used to transport the bride to church. In a few minutes he was outside the house in the Merc.

As we drove into the church car park, I was surprised by the number of people who were already there. Our car made its way onto the front entrance of the church. I could see ushers quickly directing people to go in.

The big day was here. Today is my wedding day.

Bridegroom

After some time, there was a flurry of activity as some cars drove in and car horns blaring, marking the arrival of the bridal party. Then I saw a Mercedes Benz slowly drive up to the front entrance of the church. Yes, there she was, Wim sat in the Merc. Merc? How did this happen?

The next bit came from us watching the wedding video as Wim and I were not inside the church.

The procession started. Our favourite male singing group split themselves into two groups – one starting from the vestry in the front of the church and the other from the main entrance.

They were singing with smiles as they marched to meet each other in the middle isle of the church. Then when they were nicely paired up, they faced each other. They finished off the song as they shook each other hand across the isle with the words “brother let me shake your hand”.

The atmosphere had been set for a truly amazing day.

It was our day and the programme ensured that we celebrated every moment. The bridal party including the page boy, flower girls and boys made their entry – each to a melodious tune from the singing group.

Then it was time for the mini bride and mini groom, as a forerunner to the main event; our entrance.

It was now my turn. The bridegroom.

“Ndakatsvaga kwese; ndikashaya chose; dakara ndawana iwe; werudo rwangu; nyeredzi yangu, chido chemoyo wangu” (I searched everywhere; I didn’t find anyone; until I met you; my beloved; my star; my sweetheart), the group started singing. This was my cue to enter. I marched in – with a delicate step.

This was the first time I saw how many people where inside the church; – it was fully packed. Those who could not get seats were standing along the walls.

As I marched along, I looked to the right and left and smiled. As I approached the pulpit, on my left were the Mpofus – my Mum and Dad; my siblings and their families; any aunties and uncles; my cousins; my mentors.

On my right were the Nyabanis. I acknowldged them with a smile and a nod as I marched past them.

Then there was Wim’s church choir dressed in purple gowns.

In the front row was the bridal party. Everyone was dressed so colourfully.

As I turned around to face the entrance, the whole audience burst into a loud “Amen” and an ululation sneaked in there.

Wow!

An announcement was made – “When you see bride step inside the church, please stand up briefly and then take your seats”

Bride

“God of our fathers, Whose almighty hand leads forth in beauty all the starry band…” That was my song. It was time to go in. The moment I had always admired at other weddings was now mine.

I was flanked by my Mum on one side and Dad on the other. As we entered the church, everyone was on their feet looking towards the entrance. I am the bride. I felt a bit nervous as I had just become the centre of attention of everyone in the church. I was extremely happy and delighted.

I briefly looked up and there was Jabu, smartly dressed and smiling.

I started marching towards Jabu to the beat of the melodious song, accompanied by my parents. Proud parents they were.

Bridegroom

There she was, majestically gliding towards me to the beat of the song. I had never seen such a beautiful sight. Marvellous! Wonderful! What a beutiful wedding dress – pure white. A beautiful veil covered her face.

How could I remain standing there? It was time for my approach to meet my bride; my best friend. I started marching towards Wim to the beat of the song as well, to meet her half way on the centre isle. I was beaming!

As we met, Wim’s Mum and Dad fell behind and left, to sit in their designated seats. Then I turned around as the group changed the lyrics of the song to words customised for our wedding. “We now present, these two before Thee Lord, now as they come before Thee Our Lord…. Bless them O Lord, as you did the first two” (i.e. Adam & Eve)

I could not take my eyes off my beautiful bride. I was smiling, and smiling and smiling! As we approached the pulpit. This was the day. Our day.

Next blog is the Wedding Day Part 2 – The Wedding Ceremony. It was here that we learnt the first 3 lessons of our married life – i.e. about 15 minutes after being declared husband and wife. Please subscribe so that you do not miss it.

Categories
Our Culture Our Relationship

FAQs & Wedding Preparation

Thank you for visiting our blog once again.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl) and Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families and Cultural Hurdles. For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

Last week we covered in some detail about the roora/lobola. Thank you for the feedback we continue to receive. As we expected, roora is a new cultural phenomenon to a substantial number of our readers.

We have also noticed that since moving to the UK sixteen years ago our own perception of roora has evolved. The answers below are our views and others may have different opinions.

In this blog post we start with the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) before we cover our Wedding Preparations.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

1. Is Roora still relevant in the 21st century

Answer: We feel that it still is. However this is dependent on where you now live. If you are in Zimbabwe, it is definitely still relevant. For those who have moved away from Zimbabwe and potentially are to marry across cultures, the relevancy is in decline.

2. Roora does not exist in my culture. Should I be expected to pay roora for my girlfriend if it’s part of her family’s culture?

Answer: We suggest that the two of you discuss this during courtship and that you try to understand what the roora means to your girlfriend/fiancee and her parents.

3. Is Roora Biblical?

Answer: Yes, there are instances in the Bible where gifts were given to parents of a wife. Jacob and Rachel comes to mind. We believe it was also cultural at the time.

4. I heard that one should not finish paying roora. Is this true?

Answer: We have heard about as well. However, we feel that your wife’s parents do expect you to finish paying roora. Therefore, we would yes go on and finish paying.

5. My husband just paid a little portion of the roora. How can I encourage him to pay the remainder?

Answer: We suggest that you find a right time to talk to your husband. If it is not possible you may ask your father or brothers to remind your husband via the munyayi. To the husband, we just want to remind you to consider how much roora means to your wife.

As a footnote, whilst in Zim, we witnessed a few occasions when the wife had sadly passed away before the roora had been paid in full. The wife’s family refused to be involved with anything to do with the funeral before the balance of the roora was paid in full. These situations were messy.

6. I feel that I was overcharged for roora/lobola. Is there anything I can do to redress this?

Answer: Not really, sorry. For those living in Zim there may be an opportunity to revisit the figures if the roora was charged in Zimbabwean dollars, which is no longer a valid currency.

7. What is the atmosphere in the room when the roora negotiations are taking place?

Answer: Generally the roora sessions are calm and friendly atmosphere. There may even be jokes and banter as the negotiation process unfolds. However, there are also situations when things have not gone as smoothly.

8. I am looking for a munyayi (go-between) – where can I find one.

Answer: You can identify people you trust who are good negotiators. If you struggle, then ask your girlfriend/fiancee’s parents (through an aunt or uncle) and they will happily provide one for you.

9. Why are the two key people (boy and girl) not allowed in the room when the deliberations are taking place?

Answer: This will ensure that you are not emotionally affected as the negotiations progress. Normally those in the room are looking after your interests.

10. If I cannot raise enough money for roora, should I not marry?

Answer: We suggest you take what you saved. It is all about negotiations. You going to the parents will show that you are a serious young man who is interested in their daughter.

11. Should the roora charges be proportional to the level of education or profession of the lady?

Answer: We say No. We don’t think that roora should be a return on investment. It is to bring the two families together and not to pay for anything.

12. My family and I do not own any cattle. How can I pay that part of the roora?

Answer: The cattle can easily be converted to cash. Normally the values are disclosed at the roora session.

13. Is it fair/right that parents can “sell” their daughter by demanding roora?

Answer: The girl is not being sold. This is not a financial transaction. Roora is about bringing the two families together. We know that a person is priceless – you cannot put a price tag on anyone.

That’s it for now. Let us go back on the journey.

Wedding Preparations

We did indeed clear the cultural hurdles in a spectacular fashion. We were happy and thanked God for the progress thus far. Jabu was very happy with how things had gone at the roora session.

The following weekend after the roora session, Jabu was back in Harare. We had a special picnic. We were now planning for the wedding!

Firstly, we had to pick the wedding date. We considered a couple of dates and ended up settling on the 2nd of December. Jabu’s family needed to communicate this proposed date to my family. We agreed to informally mention the date to each of our families.

The official communication would be delivered by the vanyayis (go-betweens) when they returned to my family, with the items that would meet the wedding pre-conditions.

Where would the wedding be – Chinhoyi or Harare? During this time in Zimbabwe, some people used to have two wedding receptions, one on either side of the families, with the final one normally hosted by the groom’s family.

We could not afford two receptions. Normally if it is one reception, it would at the bride’s side. Therefore, Harare it was. (Incidentally there was another wedding planned at Jabu’s Chinhoyi church on the 2nd of December as well).

The Mpofus would need overnight accommodation in Harare. (Hotels were unaffordable). Jabu approached a couple of friends and relatives and they were more than willing to open their homes for them. My new flat would also be available as I would be based at my brother’s place for the wedding day’s eve.

We needed a venue for the wedding. My church in Harare was under construction and not fully completed at the time. Jabu and I came up with a list of churches to approach to host our wedding and we prayed about it.

I wrote an application letter to our first choice – a beautiful church in Highlands, an eastern suburb of Harare. It was a perfect venue as it also had a hall which we could use later for the reception.

I wouldn’t take a chance on posting this letter. One day after work, I caught an Emergency Taxi (ET) to hand deliver the letter. By the time I got to the church, the office was closed and I dropped the letter through the door. I didn’t have an idea of how long it would take before we got a response.

We didn’t have long to wait. Some four days later, when I got home there was a letter waiting for me. My heart was in my mouth as I struggled to open the letter. As my eyes scanned the letter my eyes fell upon the words “we are happy to inform you that we are able to accommodate your wedding…” We had got it! That was the longest night I had as I waited to call Jabu first thing in the morning with the good news. We paid the deposit for the church and it was secured.

Next, we had to decide on a minister to officiate at our wedding. Jabu and I had discussed about potential marriage officers, and concluded that this was more dependent on their availability on our proposed wedding date. Marriage officers were generally scarce at the time.

Jabu and I visited one of our minister friend to get a contact number of one of the marriage officers we had identified. We were met with the news: the marriage officer was not available as he had just confirmed a booking to officiate at a wedding on the same day in Chinhoyi. Chinhoyi?

Then he suggested “Have you tried the conference president? He is a marriage officer as well”. Jabu personally knew the conference president, but he had not been on our list as we felt he generally had a tight schedule.

We got his phone number and walked to public phone box. Jabu called and I could hear one side of the conversation. After the initial greetings Jabu mentioned the reason for his call.

Then there was silence.

Jabu mouthed “He is checking his diary”. After some time that felt like eternity, he got back on the phone. I just heard Jabu say “Thank you Pastor. Thank you very much!” He had accepted our request!

We made an appointment for a counselling session with the minister and his wife, which we had a couple of weeks later. The minister asked if we had had any counselling sessions with our local pastors before.

Incidentally, when I had informed my local pastor of my relationship with Jabu and plans for marriage, he had asked to meet us. He had one counselling session with us.

At our counselling session with our marriage officer, the minister and his wife checked what we had covered with my local pastor and started from there. We discussed and covered a lot of subjects like effective communication, commitment, love, appreciation, roles in marriage, family finance, sex, conflict resolution etc. Jabu and I had read widely and discussed these subjects during our many picnics.

Since Jabu was living out of Harare it was not possible to have more than one session with minister and his wife – hence we covered so many topics at one session.

As we approached the end of our counselling session the minister advised us how he would conduct the wedding ceremony. He gave us generic copies of the wedding vows and gave us permission to add any words as long as the words on the generic vows were all included.

We were also blessed to secure the services of our favourite and popular all male singing group. My brother used to sing in this group and I had always wanted this group to sing at my wedding – even before I met Jabu! We were thrilled to know that they were available to sing on the day.

Bridal party? Family and friends had been key on our journey. We just decided the bridal party will come from our family and friends. Seeing that we both came from large families, we needed to compromise on who makes it onto the bridal party. We ensured that almost all our immediate families were represented by at least one member.

On looking back this worked quite well as there was no falling out amongst family members because of the bridal party selection.

Best man & Best girl – we had already decided on these two great friends of ours. We were happy that they kindly agreed to take these special positions for our wedding, as they did at our engagement party.

MC – another friend of ours was well placed for this role. He was also the MC at our engagement party where he had done a brilliant job. He had great sense of humour and could effortlessly hold a crowd with his wit. We were thrilled when he accepted our request.

For our wedding preparations we did not have any joint family planning meetings. With Jabu and his family in Chinhoyi, it was just impractical to arrange regular family planning meetings.

Jabu and I were therefore, responsible for the planning and coordination. Our sides of the family would communicate through us. We were then free to consult and request any necessary help. This streamlined arrangement worked well for us.

On looking back, this phase helped us in our strategising, listening and planning in our future home.

One thing we didn’t have to worry about in Zimbabwe was to compile a wedding guest list. All were invited! This was typical at the time. You would just send an invitation card to the whole church, family and friends; and then aim to cater for all of those who would come.

My brothers and sisters-in-law asked me what plans and resources we had in place for the wedding. They offered some substantial financial support, in addition to the morale support which started soon after Jabu paid roora. This was a massive help for us.

Equally Jabu’s siblings and their husbands offered some substantial financial support. Furthermore, since the wedding was away from Jabu’s home town, they offered to transport wedding guests from Chinhoyi to Harare. Notwithstanding, a clash of dates with another wedding in Chinhoyi, many people still wanted to come to our wedding.

One of our friends offered to pay for all the soft drinks to be used at the wedding.

These offers helped reduce financial pressure and relieved a massive burden off our shoulders. We were overwhelmed by such generosity cited here and much more. No one was obliged to give but gave from their love, anyway.

While Jabu was busy saving for the roora, I had also been busy saving for the wedding. I was starting to dream about my big day. I needed a wedding gown. I was faced with a question; should I buy the gown or hire one? My friend and I visited a number of wedding boutiques but I was not satisfied with what I saw – they were just not my style.

Later I got a reference from someone about a wedding gown for hire. Interestingly, the owner of the gown lived a couple of roads from our house.

One evening after work, I made an appointment to go and try the dress. As I looked myself in the mirror, I knew exactly that was the one for me – it didn’t need any adjustment whatsoever. Just perfect. I paid the deposit and was to collect the wedding gown two weeks before the wedding day.

All along I was checking with Jabu to ensure that his personal preparations were on also track – suit, shoes, shirt etc.

There was also some critical business of purchasing wedding rings. We went to the jewellery shop where Jabu had bought my engagement ring to looking for a matching one. We bought two beautiful wedding rings from this shop.

My sisters-in-law arranged a surprise kitchen party for me. I had attended a few of these before, but it is all different and special when it is yours. We had a great time and received a lot words of wisdom and counselling from the married and more matured ladies. I received lots of kitchen utensils as presents.

One of Jabu’s friends and mentor had moved to Harare from Chinhoyi. He arranged a surprise bachelor’s party for Jabu on a Sunday. However, that weekend was the one that Jabu had decided that he will not be coming to Harare. How are we going to bring him to Harare?

First thing Saturday morning, the mentor phoned the lady who sponsored Jabu to go to the Youth Bible Conference (check it in The Meeting blog) to tell Jabu when she meets him at church that he should come to Harare on Sunday without fail.

Jabu was confused. What was happening in Harare? He reluctantly came.

He later said that he had not attended, let alone, heard about a bachelor’s party before. It was hosted in a flat on the same block as my new flat. Jabu’s friends and a couple of pastors were there.

Stress? Preparing for our wedding was a stressful experience. We thank God for the contributions and support from our family and friends that massively relieved this stress.

One challenge we faced was planning a wedding whilst we were in separate locations with limited communication channels. Moving around Harare without dedicated transport was also a challenge.

Time flies when you are having fun. And busy. Soon it was late afternoon on Friday 30th November 1990, we both felt such great relief. We looked at our checklist for the last time and everything was in place. As the sun set we felt such peace in our hearts.

Next blog is on The Wedding Day Part 1. Thank you for being with us on the journey so far.

Categories
Our Culture Our Relationship

Cultural Hurdles

We are happy that you have made time to read our blog.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl) and Dating & Courtship and Meeting the Families For and introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

Now that we had met each other’s families, and the meetings had gone well, we were happy with what we saw, we continued earnestly with our marriage plans.

Since I was now staying in Chinhoyi, we missed our dates during this key period of our relationship. During the week, I would phone Wim at lunchtime. However, most of our communication was through writing each other letters. Oh, yes, letters – snail mail.

Most Fridays, I would catch a lift or bus to Harare to meet my Wim. Our dates were beginning to turn into “planning” meetings, but we ensured that we continued growing in our relationship.

Love is a plant that requires continual watering and caring. We continued with our picnics.

The Engagement

The next step we considered on our journey was engagement. Although we knew some of our friends who had held engagement parties, this was not an expectation in our culture at the time.

We had a frank discussion about whether we should also host a similar event. Considering our situation of limited resources (I was still a student), was it necessary to have one? Could this not be a distraction that would hinder us from reaching our ultimate goal as there were still other hurdles ahead? Would the money spent on the engagement not come in handy, for other expected future expenses?

We finally agreed that we would not want to miss this stage on our journey.

We set a date in April.

We had to keep costs low, so we planned for a modest engagement party.

Thankfully, Wim’s tete (aunty) kindly offered to host the engagement party.

We decided we would cater for thirty guests – close friends and family only.

Friends and mentors from Chinhoyi, with Tete and Babamukuru

It turned up to be a special event with the highlight being putting a beautiful engagement ring on Wim’s finger.

The next hurdle was a MASSIVE one, and I had to clear it on my own without Wim’s support.

Roora (Lobola)

Roora (known as lobola in Ndebele or dowry in other cultures).

This is one area where, as a young man in our culture, you are on your own. Your girlfriend/fiancée cannot help you or contribute to raising the money for the roora.

The roora indicates your commitment and shows that you will be able to take care of your future wife.

However, it had a big unknown – how much would the roora be?

We searched for indications or hints from Wim’s family as to how much the roora/lobola would be, but there were none. Even though other family members had gone through the roora/lobola process, there was no clear precedent for this as circumstances were different.

We reviewed the money I had been saving for this next phase and agreed on a projection that by the middle of the year I would have enough to initiate this next phase.

A couple of months after our engagement, we the Mpofus, sent word to the Nyabanis that we would like to come “kuzoroora” Wim – i.e. traditional marriage. The Nyabanis gave us a date in July.

The event was to take place on a Saturday evening. After church on the day, four of us were to drive in my friend’s Renault R4, from Chinhoyi to Harare for this special occasion.

Two of my friends and mentors were to lead the negotiations as go-betweens (vanyayis). These were mature, trusted men of high integrity with an impressive ability to negotiate. It is important to have people with “previous experience” to negotiate on your behalf at the roora, and these two definitely had loads.

To ensure that he was giving his boy his full blessings, my Dad said he would be coming with us. This was special and added to the significance of the whole occasion.

Just before leaving home, Dad sat the three of us down and asked how much I had saved for the roora. He then took some money and said, “Take this – add to your money”.

You don’t understand how special and touching this was. My Dad had been retired for a long time, but without a pension. He had worked as a domestic cook for several decades for this one family and only retired when the surviving mother of that family had been moved into a nursing home for full time care.

I still don’t know how Dad managed to save that amount of money he gave me on that day, but it meant so much to me.

When we arrived in Harare, we went straight to Wim’s tete’s place. Tete and her husband (Babamukuru) accompanied us on the final leg of our journey to the Nyabanis.

Upon our arrival, Wim quickly came to greet us and gave us a very warm welcome. She looked very happy and was smiling. She had a traditional head wrap on – she looked different but stunningly beautiful.

The plan was that my Dad and I were to remain in the car until the proceedings were finalised. My two vanyayis were to go in and negotiate on my behalf. I handed over the money I had to them. I informed them that I had a little extra money left with me and depending on how things go inside, we could replenish them.

They went in. After some fifteen minutes or so, Tete came out and said “Sekuru Mpofu (aka my Dad) should come in”.

Apparently when my two vanyayis entered the house and had been introduced, they advised that Sekuru Mpofu had also come. The Nyabanis insisted that it would not be proper that he should remain outside the house in the cold. Wim’s other brother and his family lived on the same block of flats. So, Dad was taken inside into the other flat, away from the deliberations, and made comfortable.

I was now alone in the car. But not for long.

After thirty or so minutes, Wim joined me in the car. She cheerfully announced that the deliberations had started.

Traditionally, her family would ask her if she knew these people (the vanyayis). As part of the ceremony, the bride has to pick up some of the money from a traditional bowl to indicate that she knows the people.This would give her family the permission to proceed with the process.

She had just completed this task. She was then asked to leave as the rest of the matter would proceed in her absence, as per our culture.

Now they were two of us in the car. She was happy. Chuffed to bits.

I was a bit apprehensive. Anxious. This was a massive hurdle and things could go either way.

Was the money we brought here enough to take us to the next stage – the wedding? I wondered.

Wim tried to cheer me up but that was difficult. I knew I was in great company, but my mind was not on the issues we were discussing.

Anyway, we will find out shortly, I thought.

Normally roora consists of some preliminary token charges and payments – these acknowledging and appreciating the parents for raising the young lady from childhood.

The main part of the roora is called “Rusambo” – represents the main monetary charge/contribution and “Danga” – representing a traditional gift of several cattle.

Normally, when the bride’s family advise what the Rusambo would be, the vanyayis would come out to discuss with those of us outside, to update, seek advice and agree the negotiation strategy going forward.

This is where I thought the money, I had left on me would then be handed over to my vanyayis and also get an indication of how things were progressing inside.

An hour had gone past. No sign of my vanyayis.

Two hours. Still no word from them.

Wim went back to the house to check progress. Quickly she came back with a wide smile. As she opened the door she said “It’s all over – they are done. I have been asked to come and get you so that my family can meet you”

Are you joking? I am not going anywhere on my own. I refused.

“Am I not going to be embarrassed? Maybe the amount of money I had for roora did not meet the requirements.” I thought.

“Please ask Babamukuru to come for”, I requested.

She came back with him.

“Makorokoto Babamudiki (Congratulations, young man!)” shouted the beaming and bearded Babamukuru. As I got out of the car, he gave me one of those bear hugs.

But where are my people – my two vanyayis? I could not make head or tail of what was happening.

On the way to the house we picked up my Dad and we made our way to the house with Babamukuru leading and we hesitantly entered the room. We were ushered to our seats, next to my two vanyayis.

The room was packed.

Introductions were made by one of Wim’s brothers introducing their side of the family. This was the first time I had met Wim’s Mum and Dad as they lived in the village. Wim’s aunt had also come all the way from the village where Wim spent her childhood.

Then one of my vanyayis introduced our side. He started with my Dad and then came to me with the words. “Uyu ndiye mukwasha wenyu” (And this is your son-in-law). This was music in my ears.

Yes, looks like we have cleared this massive hurdle! What a massive relief.

For most people in our culture, roora marks a full marriage and the couple may choose not to proceed to a white wedding ceremony.

However, I had so many unanswered questions.

What happened during the negotiations in that room and why didn’t the vanyayis come out for consultation with us? I wondered.

After the introductions we were ushered out of the room to Wim’s other brother’s flat where a delicious meal had been prepared for us. Over the meal my two vanyayis disclosed to my Dad and myself what had happened.

They handed over to me the booklet in which they had written the charges and payments. My eyes rushed straight to “Rusambo” and I couldn’t believe the figure that I saw.

Thank you the Nyabanis, I thought. This is what the traditional marriage is all about– it is about bringing the two families together and not to making life hard for the other party with exorbitant charges.

I will never forget that gesture that the Nyabanis extended towards us, the Mpofus that day.

“So why did you want us to come and consult when the money we had was sufficient?” one of the vanyayis joked with me as he laughed

The other one jumped in “We even asked if we could have their daughter’s hand in marriage (wedding) and they said Yes – conditions are at the bottom of that list”.

Normally these conditions would include things like you should have paid all of Rusambo, two of the cattle and bought clothing items for lady’s mum and dad etc.

We had cleared the final and most daunting hurdle! I went to pay roora and I came back with some change!

If I had wings, I could fly.

Wim’s take on proceedings

This day marked the fulfilment of my dream. Since moving to Harare, I had attended a number of weddings. The most exciting part for me was when the bride makes an entrance into the church; my heart would leap for joy, silently praying desiring that one day I would want to be the one.

Now the path had just opened for me to fully realise this dream. I was extremely overjoyed.

I was proud of my family for the spirit they had shown in the deliberations.

I couldn’t be prouder of Jabu for pulling this one off – saving so much money, in preparation for roora, in such a short space of time.

Later in our lives Jabu and I participated in a number of roora/lobola seesions – with Jabu chairing a couple of close family’s sessions.

Next blog will cover FAQs on Roora/Lobola (send your questions here Contact Us). We will also cover our Wedding Preparations.

Categories
Our Culture Our Relationship

Meeting the Families

Mawuya! Welcome back – we hope you had a good week.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl) and Dating & Courtship. For and introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

Jabu got the confirmation that he had secured an industrial placement in his hometown. This was the news we had been waiting for and it confirmed that we would now pursue our new plan of bringing marriage arrangements forward.

Now that the plan had been firmed up, it was time for Jabu to meet my family.

Meeting the Nyabanis

In our culture, I could not inform my brothers and sister-in-laws of my new boyfriend until we had firm plans for marriage. My sisters were aware of Jabu, but they had not met him yet.

I was staying with my brother and sister-in-law at the time. I looked for the right time when both of them would be home. After supper I asked if I would talk with them both in private.

I announced to them that “Ndine mukomana wangu (I have got a boyfriend) and I would like you to meet him.” There was some silence and I could not tell where this was going. Then my brother giggled and I could sense excitement from both of them.

“Tete, who is this lucky guy?”

I told them it was Jabu. My brother had briefly met Jabu only once before at a certain gathering and was not aware of anything at the time.

They agreed to meet him and proposed a date and time.

I was excited as I prepared for the day. I prepared a special vegetarian meal for my guests. Jabu was going to be accompanied by his friend.

On the day, my excitement levels were growing as the time approached. I left the house to go and meet Jabu and his friend.

When we got back, I was surprised to see that a cousin of mine had just turned up unannounced to show my brother his new wife. In Zimbabwe it is not unusual for people to turn up unannounced.

My heart sank. How is this going to unfold? I had planned for this day, but I felt I was losing control of things.

We entered and made our way into the living room. After some greetings, I introduced Jabu as my boyfriend to my brother and sister-in-law and to my cousin and his wife.

It was somewhat awkward – the conversations I had expected to take place were now superficial due to the presence of my cousin and his wife.

After the meal, we continued with the conversation. My cousin and his wife were not showing any sign of leaving. After some time, Jabu and his friend decided it was time for them leave as it was getting late.

When I got back from accompanying Jabu and his friend, my cousin and his wife were still there.

The meeting with the family had not gone according to plan. I was not happy.

Sometime later my cousin and his wife bid farewell and left.

My brother and sister-in-law and I looked at each other and burst into a hearty laugh. They had hoped get to know Jabu a little bit more.

They asked me some questions about Jabu. Fortunately, I had all the answers as Jabu and I had discussed many of these things before.

They asked about what our for the future plans for marriage were, and I told them what we had in mind.

Verdict from Jabu

Meeting the Nyabanis didn’t go according to plan. I had expected to get to know Wim’s brother and his family a little bit more, but did not get enough time to talk with them, due to the unexpected visitors who had turned up.

Nevertheless, now that I was known to her brother, I anticipated that other opportunities would present themselves.

And I was right.

Soon opportunities did present themselves. We got to discuss a lot of things, including that he was starting a business venture. I also noticed that he had an amazing sense of humour.

I also gathered how much of a generous person he was and how him and his younger brother had been supporting their younger siblings through school. I was impressed and could relate to that as I was also a beneficiary of my older sibling’s educational support.

Later on I would meet Wim’s other brother and his wife. I also met two of her sisters. Lovely family, the Nyabanis were.

Meeting the Mpofus

I had started an industrial placement in Chinhoyi, and things were moving according to plan. We set a date when Wim would visit to meet my family.

According to our culture, she had to be accompanied by a sister, aunt or a very close friend. In her case, she was to be accompanied by her aunty.

Wim had met one of my older sisters in Harare, who was doing a post-graduate nursing course.

With the date set, the travel arrangements were sorted.

I would be waiting for them at the Chinhoyi bus terminus on the Friday evening. I had advised Wim which bus to take and where they should come off.

At home everyone was excited. My dad and step mum (whom I shall refer to as Mum going forwards) were excited and made all the preparations. All the cleaning was done. The guest bedroom was smartly prepared. Three of my sisters were available for this visit.

Food was prepared.

My friends were aware of the visit and I was waiting to show them my girlfriend.

On the Friday evening, I drove to the bus terminus, to wait for my beloved and her aunty.

My good friend and mentor offered me his car, a beige Renault R4. He was so generous and always lent me his car when I needed it, such that people thought that it was MY car.

As the bus that I expected Wim to be in drove into the terminus, my heart skipped a beat. My girl is here!

But there was no sign of Wim and her aunty. I reasoned that they may have missed the bus. This was before the days of cell phones (mobile phones) and I had no other option but to wait for them patiently.

A couple of other buses came and still no Wim.

Has their bus broken down on the way? I wondered.

I was getting worried now. It was getting dark and I was getting concerned about their safety.

Where is this going? I didn’t move away.

Whilst lost in my thoughts, I was startled by a familiar voice.

“Mukoma, vaenzi vauya!” (Brother, your visitors have arrived!)

Apparently, Wim and her aunty had taken the bus as I had advised them. However, when the bus conductor shouted out that they had now arrived in Chinhoyi, they quickly disembarked. Then they realised that they had come off too early in the town centre and not at the terminus. They quickly thought of way around this.

Wim had the phone number of that lady who sponsored me to go to that Youth Bible Conference! (in The Meeting blog post). The lady directed Wim to her house and she sent her son to come and inform me that our guests were here!

By the time we got to my house it was so late into the night. Wim and her aunty were obviously tired. After quick introductions, they just had time to eat and rest. Of course, we managed to squeeze a few minutes for quick catch up.

Personally, I didn’t sleep much that night. I was so excited! My girlfriend has come to meet my people. Will she like them? Will they like her?

The next day, was church day. I was on cloud nine. The whole family walked to church.

You should have seen my smile as I introduced Wim to people. Most of the people had heard about her but had not met her yet. I noticed those approving and reassuring looks from my friends and adult church members.

After church, we walked back home, and it was time to meet the family properly. We sat down for a delicious meal.

My aunt, my late mum’s sister, arrived later that day. This was becoming huge!

My Dad was a quiet man, but I could tell that he was very happy.

My Mum and sisters made sure the guests were well fed. Everyone was happy. There were a lot of laughs. My family got to know Wim and they all seemed to like her so much. I was happy. Very happy.

Neighbours started coming and meeting Wim and her aunty – they didn’t need any invitation. That’s our way.

My friends and mentors also came to meet this lady they had heard so much about.

For me as I looked at this scene, I could just thank God for taking me thus far. It was at the same house I was born, lost my mum and now I am bringing my girlfriend…

Wim’s verdict

Jabu had told me a lot about his family and it was good to meet all those who could make it on this occasion.

He had mentioned about how his dad had taken care of them as a single parent for three years before he remarried, and I wanted to meet this gentleman. He was such a sweet, gentle, loving, kind and smart man. I noticed that he spoke Shona with a Ndebele accent.

Jabu’s step mum was so loving and kind – she extended great hospitality to me and my aunty.

His sisters were all lovely – they shared some jokes and we had a good time.

…

Things were moving swimmingly well. Everything was on track.

Looking ahead there were some cultural hurdles to be cleared cautiously. If we were not careful, these cultural huddles would derail the whole plan.

Next blog will be on Cultural Hurdles on our journey.

Please share this blog and subscribe. Don’t forget to leave a comment

Categories
Our Relationship

Dating & Courtship

Welcome back. Thank you very much for the feedback we are receiving both privately and through the comments section. Please keep them coming as they will help us keep the blog relevant.

If this is your first time here, we are happy you have taken time to read our blog. To get some background there are previous blog posts – first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl) and our family introduction on the About Us page.

Dating and Courtship

We were right at the very beginning of our relationship and there was a lot of ground to cover. We were both happy with what we had seen so far but needed to know more.

Dating should be about gathering data.

When someone or an organisation is about to make an important investment, they carry out due diligence to fully understand the status of things and avoid any future surprises.

We didn’t know this at the time, but on looking back this is exactly what Wim and I did.

We had openly shared our backgrounds and histories – full disclosure. We noticed that this only happened as the trust between us grew. We didn’t just disclose everything at the beginning, but gradually as the relationship developed.

Love is not blind.

During dating and courtship our eyes were wide open. We would observe how the other related to their own parents, siblings, elderly and even strangers.

We would be on the lookout for hints of kindness, caring, respectfulness, politeness etc.

One day I accompanied Wim to her church for the first time. I think word had gone around that Wim was in a relationship. That day she was the chorister – leading singing from the front of the church. She handled her nerves very well and did a splendid job.

At the end of the service Wim introduced me to a number of people. I was pleasantly surprised at how much people loved Wim; from children (she was also the church’s Pathfinder Director – like scouts group) to the elderly.

Two elderly gentlemen joked – “Young man, it looks like you have come to snatch Wimbayi away from us. We two have agreed that we are not going to let you do that without a fight”. We had a good laugh.

We had a lot of dates in different settings. At Greenwood Park, we almost had our “own” park bench as it was on the way to Wim’s place. We would also spend a lot of quality time at Harare Gardens, Harare Botanical gardens and Cleveland Dam to name a few.

Wim had a large denim handbag that she always brought to our numerous picnics. So many goodies came out of this bag – nyimo (round nuts), mbambaira (sweet potatoes), nzungu (peanuts), chips, fruits, drinks etc. There was a surprise every time. This bag just kept on giving!

We had double dates and sometimes triple dates with our friends.

We would visit different churches. We would attend church youth events together.

We also, separately, had friends who were already married and with children. We used them as our “bouncing boards” for any ideas and they took up roles as our mentors.

We sought information that would help us build our relationship, and between us we read and discussed a number of relationship books, which at times prompted us on some of the issues to discuss during our courtship.

We had regular joint devotions and prayer during our picnics.

As our relationship continued to grow, we started talking about our future together. Then no topic was out of bounce – children, handling money, where to settle etc. Things were now getting serious.

However, there was an elephant in the room, that needed to be dealt with. Jabu was a student with two more years until his course finishes. As this relationship became serious, what was his plan? Or our plan?

We discussed this candidly and agreed that any plans for marriage would have to wait until the end of his studies and him getting a job. It made sense.

One weekend, Jabu went to Chinhoyi (his hometown) to visit family. On the Monday, as expected, he was waiting outside my workplace to walk me home.

By this time, I could read Jabu’s body language and could tell that he had some exciting news to share.

“So, what’s up?” I enquired.

“I think we need to revisit our plans” Jabu responded.

“What plans?”

“We need to sit down.”

We made our way to “our bench” in Greenwood Park.

When I went to Chinhoyi, I visited my friend and mentor (a married gentleman with four children) and was updating him on my relationship with Wim and how things had progressed since the last time I had spoken to him.

“So, what are your plans, Mhofi?” (as he affectionately called me with a twist on my totem). I confided in him that we had agreed to continue with our relationship until I finish Uni, then we would progress things.

He asked me soul searching questions (as he always did) and from the discussion I concluded that in my discussion with Wim we had not considered and exhausted all available options.

My fourth year at uni was to be an industrial placement year, followed by the final year. At the time it was looking likely that I may be getting the placement in my hometown.

That would mean that for that year I would not be paying for uni accommodation as I would be staying at home. I would expect to be getting a good pay from the placement, and on top of this, I would also be receiving my university maintenance grant and loan as normal.

Wim and I discussed this “new” option in detail. We concluded that should things work out as expected, it would be possible to bring our plans forward.

We decided to pray and reflect on this as this was a massive change to our current plans. The first critical step would be to get the industrial placement slot in my home town.

The next week’s blog Meeting the Families

Activity for this week

Our fun relational ideas for this week are

1. If you are in a relationship but not yet married you can review and discuss setting boundaries and your dating/courtship activities. You may want to consider what books and other resources you may want to access as your relationship grows.

2. If you are married, this week you can arrange a date with your spouse. You may take time to reflect on the dates you had before you got married.

3. Prayer – as you may have picked up from our blogs so far. We believe in the power of prayer. Whether you are a believer or not, we would like to pray for you. If you have any prayer request about your family or relationship you would like to share with us, please drop us your prayer request on Contact Us

Categories
Our Relationship

Ndine musikana wangu ! (I got myself a girl)

Welcome back! We are happy to see you.

We hope you managed to participate in the activities from last week and managed to share or hear the juicy stories. That definitely revives your own relationship and inspires your children and others.

If this is your first time on this blog, we would suggest that you start with our first blog post, followed by last week’s “The Meeting” post.

To get a little bit of background about our family and the flavour of the topics to be covered please visit our About Us page.

Now we continue…

As you would expect, it was not long, before I showed up outside Wim’s office at the end of a working day. It was actually only two days since our parting!

I just miss the unpredictability of those times. With no mobile phones (we call them cell phones in Zim) in use at the time, Wim was not expecting me. She cheerfully smiled and warmly welcomed me. After the some initial small talk, our conversation just continued from where we had left off the last time.

I walked her home.

This was the first of the many walks home to follow.

Then we added lunch time visits – loved those days where we would have lunch visits followed by an after-work walk. This was one of the times I appreciated the days when my Uni schedule was light.

What were we talking about? We were just getting to know each other as friends.

We talked about our families, our upbringing, our fears, our joys, our aspirations. We were just like an open book to each other – we felt so much at ease to discuss these personal issues. We both had a good sense of humour and shared a few jokes.

We were not in a relationship. Not yet. Just friends.

After a couple of months, I felt that this relationship was ready to progress past mere friendship.

I made the move.

As I prepared my “line of attack”, I somehow found myself in a card shop. I don’t know how I ended up there, but there it was – a perfect card to advance my case. I bought it.

I still accurately remember the first words on this card – I should have memorised the whole of it. It went as follows…

Something has been happening between the two of us that I do not understand and don’t know where this is going

I scribbled at the end and wrote – “I think I do understand – I am falling in love with you. Are you?”. (Please note that in Shona there is one word for liking, loving, etc. It was only after coming to the UK that I heard that you start with “I like you” before progressing to “I love you”)

That same day I gave Wim the card

I allowed a couple of days before I asked Wim what she thought of the card I had given her.

Those couple of days of waiting were unsettling, not knowing what answer to expect. I didn’t want to apply unnecessary pressure. I tried to behave normally, but I bet my nervousness showed through.

I just could not wait any longer. I was walking her home after work when I asked whether she had given any thought to the message in the card.

She said that she would be giving me a card in response, but I encouraged her to say what she thought there and then, and not to bother about getting a card.

I held my breath.

Then Wim said “Yes”.

We were still some distance from her place. At that time I just excused myself and said that I had to go. She looked at me in disbelief.

I ran from Fourth Street all the way to my university accommodation.

Rushing into the room, I shouted to my roommate and good friend – “Ndine musikana wangu!” (I got myself a girl!). I could not keep the good news to myself.

Wim and I were now an item.

Years later into our marriage, I would ask Wim at what point did she decide to say Yes. She said that “it was because you had shown genuine interest in me and you were not pushing your advances. You had become a close friend, making time to come and see me. You were a gentleman. Even before you gave me the card, I had concluded that you were the answer to my prayer.” This was the first time I had heard of the prayer detailed in The Meeting blog post.

The following day I was at her office during her lunch break. I apologised for my unexpected behaviour the previous day. She joked that I had run away. We had a good laugh.

We had to agree the ground rules for our new relationship and set boundaries to avoid unintended emotional attachment that would complicate the relationship.

We agreed on sexual boundaries, sex before marriage was out of the question. How we would conduct our relationship should not be an embarrassment to our family and to God; etc

We are glad we set those boundaries at that early stage of our relationship as this would guide our relationship henceforth.

We were now ready for Dating and Courtship. See next week’s blog!

Please subcribe to our blog and share with others.

Categories
Introduction

The Meeting

Welcome back. It’s nice to see you.

If this is your first time reading this blog, we suggest that you get the background from our first blog post and meet our family on the About Us page.

Please don’t miss out on the interactive activity at the bottom of this post…

There are a least two sides to every story

Jabu’s side

On a visit to my hometown, an announcement was made at church of a forthcoming Youth Bible Conference.

As a skint uni student I could not afford it, but I still wanted to go. I mentioned my predicament to a certain kind lady from church who generously sponsored me.

Easter 1989, the time of the Bible Conference, was fast approaching – my excitement was increasing. The conference was to be held at Nyazura, more than 120 miles east of Harare and I didn’t know anyone else who was going to attend.

I arrived at the meeting place for transportation on time – no sign of any activity. Turned out the departure time announced had been set to ensure that the habitual latecomers would not miss the coach. I waited patiently. As the sun set and the darkness covered the place, people started trickling in.

But due to the low numbers of attendees, the previously arranged transport proved financially unviable. Our alternative? We had to use public transport first thing in the morning.

As young people we decided to play some games for most of the night. It was great fun!

The next morning before dawn we all quickly boarded the public bus. I recognised two girls from the games the previous night. Since I didn’t know anyone, I asked if the empty seat next to them was reserved and with some slight hesitation they said it was free, so I took it.

I introduced myself to the girl sitting next to me, her name was Wimbayi. She also introduced her friend.

Whilst sitting next to them, we joked and laughed about a cartoon character in the newspaper I was reading with a similar name to Wimbayi (Vimbai).

After getting off the bus, we had to walk a couple of miles to the Bible Conference venue – at this time Jabu was no longer alone – I had company!

After freshening up on arrival, I met the girls for breakfast.

We were then put into groups. Wim and I ended up in different groups. During meal times, we would look out for each other and discuss what we had learnt from our groups.

I noticed that during meals she would serve everyone else before she settles down to eat. She would interact with other young people and the adult presenters. She was just full of energy.

Kind, caring, sociable, cheerful – I noted.

I naturally gravitated towards her – for me she was one of the only two people I now knew at this conference.

We enjoyed sharing experiences. I figured out that Wim was working and lived in a flat in the “Avenues”. “Avenues”! I thought – this lady must be posh. (Avenues referred to the residential areas near the Harare City Centre. I thought, at the time, this was where the young and rich professionals live)

Our friendship was budding – I had not felt so much at ease with a “stranger” before. Wim was so warm – that smile! “But Jabu, don’t get too excited – Wim stays in the “Avenues” and attends this popular church,” I reminded myself.

Soon the Bible Conference was over. I had learnt a lot and met quite a number of people and a special person, Wim.

We had to use the overnight train back home. When we got to the train station, the train was full, with standing room only. After checking that there was nothing that could break in her luggage, she placed the luggage bag in the corridor, and invited me to share the seat. Who would refuse?

So, we sat back to back – still talking.

Some 15 miles before we reached our destination, the train developed a fault and literally stopped dead in its tracks! We disembarked to get some fresh air.

This is when it struck me how beautiful Wim was. She had on, this lovely peach dress which was well complimented by her beautiful hair. And that smile raised everything to another level! I was struck.

Eventually we arrived in Harare and on parting I asked, if it was possible for us to meet up again. She showed me where she worked as we walked past and told me what time she takes lunch and finishes work.

Wim’s side

I had been working for more than two years now. I had resolved that I would not mess around and get into relationship before I finished my O levels – whoever was approaching me at that time was to be ignored – and I stuck to that.

Young men were starting to show interest, but I would easily notice lack of seriousness.

Then a certain young man, entered the fray. For a number of weeks, he was regularly visiting my workplace during the lunch break for a chat. It started as small talk and continued as small talk every time.

I was confused.

Having heard of the Youth Bible Conference, my friend and I registered to attend.

In the run up to the Youth Bible Conference, I decided to pray and fast so that God could clearly show me direction of which way I should go.

I felt that I was now ready to get into a relationship.

I prayed and fasted for the whole week – only having evening meals.

On Thursday evening, my friend and I made our way to the meeting place. By the time we got there, it was dark.

Later, that young man who had started showing interest also appeared.

“Could God be answering my prayer even before we get to the conference?” I wondered.

At the meeting place, there was a small group of young people who were playing games. We joined them and enjoyed ourselves. Shortly we heard that the bus was no longer taking us to the conference and we would need to use public transport early the following morning.

Before sunrise, we were at bus station. My friend and I managed to get in and grabbed our seats on a 3 person seat. After, a few minutes, this guy from the night before (Jabu) came and asked if he could sit with us.

I hesitated a bit, as I didn’t recognise him at first.

I looked around to see if that young man, who had been showing interest, had taken a seat elsewhere but could not see him and I reluctantly offered the seat to Jabu.

After some time, I noticed Jabu peeping over my arm to a cartoon in the newspaper I was reading which was about Chikwama (a popular comic strip in Zimbabwe) and the caption was saying “All my girlfriends have left me except for Vimbai” – we laughed and chatted as the journey continued.

We reached our destination and we had to walk some distance to the venue. Since I was struggling to walk in my heels, Jabu offered to help with my heavy luggage. (What a sweetheart!)

While at the conference, another young man started showing some unwelcomed attention. He was bothering me almost to the point of rudeness and wanted to separate me from my friend so that he could talk to me in private.

I didn’t like it.

So I decided to stick to my friend and Jabu for “protection”. The more the attention I received from this other young man, the closer our group of three stuck.

The conference was very spiritual and a blessing to me.

Where was the first young man? I discovered that he had gone back to Harare to attend to other business.

Was this how God would answer my prayer? I looked at Jabu and asked myself ‘could this be the guy? Nah!’

At the end of the conference, we were advised that due to the transport problems we were to get onto the overnight train to Harare. Late that evening we made our way to the train station.

The train had standing room only and Jabu and I ended up sitting on my luggage.

Then the train broke down near Mabvuku. What an adventure this was – so many twists.

Eventually we got to the Harare train station and our flat was within walking distance. My friend had to catch an emergency taxi (ET) to her place. We accompanied her to where she would get her ET and Jabu offered to walk me a little of the way home.

Your side

Now that you have read our side of the story, it’s over to you. We believe that for all of us to benefit from this journey we all need to participate.

For your side of the story we suggest any or all of the following for this week:-

  • If you are in a relationship, find time and a comfortable place, to rerun how you two met – you will be surprised how this can boost your love.
  • Gently persuade your parents to share with you how they met – expect some juicy stuff
  • Call your parent(s), sibling or friend and share with them what you appreciate about them – it will definitely bring a smile on their faces
  • Anything else you can think of – but please do something.

Bye for now – next week the blog is on “Ndine musikana wangu”(I got myself a girl).

Please remember to subscribe and share the blog with family and friends

Categories
Introduction

More Love@Home

Mawuya!* A very warm welcome to you. Thank you for dropping by and taking time to read this blog.

At long last, after so many attempts, false starts and fighting nerves, we have come to write our first post of the MoreLove@Home with Jabu & Wim blog.

What has spurred us on this time is our forthcoming 30th wedding anniversary and so we decided we would start this blog by sharing some 30 things we have learnt on our 30 years-plus love journey!

We are excited and looking forward to this.

Wim and I (Jabu) thought that we would love to document these valuable lessons for our children, nieces/nephews, future grandchildren (no pressure!) and anyone else who would benefit from them.

We want to make this blog as interactive, interesting and relevant as possible.

To help us achieve this, we would like you to share with us lessons that you have learnt and are still learning from your own relationships. We will provide further instructions on this later.

On looking back, starting from our wedding day on the 2nd of December 1990, (followed by a humble, but romantic honeymoon at the magnificent Victoria Falls) to date, we have gone through a lot of highs and lows – e.g. births, loss of a child, emigrating, surviving a house fire, graduations, journey to being debt free, holidays, empty nest and recently surviving Covid-19.

As Christians, our faith has been a bedrock of our relationship.

Through it all we have been very happily married.

Before we dive into the “30 things/lessons”, it will be nice to give a bit more background of ourselves.

My name is Jabulani Lovemore Mpofu (Jabu) – most people in the UK are surprised and giggle at my middle name but it is very common where we come from!

I am married to Wimbayi (Wim), we have been blessed with two live children and lost one during childbirth.

We moved to the UK from Zimbabwe 16 years ago and so we will cover topics from both pespectives.

You will get to know more about us and our story as you read through this blog. We will start with a summary of our upbringings in our own words.

Jabu

I was born in Chinhoyi, Zimbabwe as the fourth child and only son of Mum and Dad. From this union, I have four sisters. I have an additional six half-siblings from my parents’ previous marriages.

Our family (and childhood) was shaken to the core when my mum suddenly died when I was just 8.

I vividly remember coming home from playing with friends to find her collapsed and unconscious – she died in hospitall a couple of days later.

Following that, everything changed and we had to grow up quickly. Our childhood ended.

Fast forward, finishing primary, secondary and high school, taking a gap year, I started electrical engineering studies at university in Harare.

During my third year at Uni, I met Wim.

Wim

Born in rural Zimbabwe, I am the fifth born in a family of 10 – 5 boys, 5 girls.

Earlier on in my childhood, I was sent to stay with my aged maternal grandparents in another part of Zimbabwe and did not get to meet most of my siblings until I was 12.

For my secondary education, I moved to Harare to live with my brother and his wife. After finishing secondary school, I got a clerical job, still in Harare.

It was during this time that I met Jabu.

Interestingly, we didn’t meet in Harare. Next blog is on The Meeting. Please subscribe below

Please visit About Us page to meet our family and see a flavour of the topic categories to be covered!

* Mawuya is a Shona (Zimbabwean language) greeting of happily welcoming someone