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Immigration Matters Our Faith Our Relationship

The Great Move

Welcome back. Special thanks go to our two guest bloggers Nomsa and Tim, who, for the past two weeks, shared their thoughts and lessons on this journey thus far. Your blog posts touched our hearts as well – you did a brilliant job.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl), Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles, FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1 , The Wedding Day Part 2 , The Rest of the Wedding Day Honeymoon & Early Days 1, Honeymoon & Early Days 2 , Our Encounter with COVID-19, I’m Pregnant and Parenting – they don’t come with manuals, Parenting – they don’t come with manuals (cont) and Reflections from the youngest. For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

At the end of the last blog post, we indicated that we were going to discuss about our Empty Nest. We have decided to backtrack a little bit and cover a key part of our journey – how did we end up in the UK?

Since getting married, we had lived in Harare, Chinhoyi and Marondera initiated by our different jobs. However, leaving Zimbabwe to emigrate to the UK was the riskiest, boldest and the most challenging move we have taken as a family. How did we get to the point to make this life changing move?

A question that we faced back in Zimbabwe and also here in the UK is “Why did you move?” Wim and I were not actively looking to move. We were well settled in Marondera and I had a secure job with decent perks. Wim was also in a stable job. My sister had moved to the UK at the turn of the century, but it never crossed our minds that we will be joining them in a few years’ time.

There were some tale-tale signs that things in Zimbabwe were beginning to “turn south” at the time, but we felt it was nothing to initiate any action on our part. Incidentally, a good friend and colleague mentioned of a new Highly Skilled Migrant Programme (HSMP) that had just been launched by the UK government and he had successfully applied. This programme allowed someone to come into the UK without a job offer and allow initial 12 months to look for a job after which someone would apply for a further extension of their stay.

After reading the guidelines about the programme, it looked promising as we met the criteria. We prayed about this, seeking God’s guidance, as we always did with our family and individual decisions. I applied for the HSMP and was successful.

The move was becoming real now. After a couple of months sorting out our matters in Zimbabwe, I bid farewell to family and friends and flew to the UK. Wim and the children remained back home whilst I looked for a job.

I remember upon arriving at Gatwick airport the immigration officer asking the common and normal question “When are you planning to return back home, Sir?”. I hesitated a little bit before responding “I am not thinking of going back yet as I have come to look for a job ” – “Of course” he said after checking my visa again, before wishing me well with my plans.

My sister and brother-in-law warmly welcomed me into their home where they took excellent care of me, not knowing for how long I was going to stay with them. My brother-in-law was like my big brother showing me how things worked in the UK including even how to drive on the motorways. It was nice to spend those days with them and my niece and nephews.

Thank God, within two weeks of my arrival in the UK, I secured a job in Preston – that was purely God’s Providence. During my first week in the UK, I had attended an interview (assessment centre) at National Grid in Reading, for position I had applied for whilst I was still in Zimbabwe. While waiting for the results for that interview, I applied for a job in response to an online advert and was invited for an interview in Preston. My sister and brother-in-law didn’t even know where Preston was and had to look it up. On the train back to London after the interview the employment agency consultant rang to advise me that I had been successful and was offered the job!

Wim was ecstatic when she heard of this news – not sure the children much.

Wim Back in Zimbabwe

When we started thinking of relocating to the UK, we had heard so many stories about the negative influences this would have on children. Nomsa was too young to remain behind, but in our wisdom, we decided to leave Tim at an Adventist boarding school . We were so much unease with this decision, but at the time we felt that it was best for him and his development. I believe God sent two people to us. The first was a mature friend of mine at church. She said “Mai Mpofu, takurai vana venyu muende navo.” (Mrs Mpofu, take your children with you). The second person was Jabu’s elder sister already living in the UK. As soon as she heard that we were considering leaving Tim behind, she was on the case and was having none of that – she easily convinced us that was not the best.

Whilst Jabu was in the UK, I had to quickly sort out Tim’s and Nomsa’s passports and visas. Tim had already started at the boarding school and simple things like getting passport photos became complicated. Thankfully, we had our Muzukuru (niece) who was a teacher at the school and helped with those practical issues.

Lesson 22: Move with your family

Move with your family . We have found that this was the best solution for us. Staying together helped us bond as a family. Now we cannot even imagine what it would have been if we had split the family with Tim remain behind. We would have missed out on the development of our son.

Leaving Zimbabwe was one of the hardest things for me. Both my parents and all my nine siblings and their families were remaining behind. As the date of our departure approached my parents and my siblings all gathered at our house. We had a Spirit-filled prayer session as we bid farewell to each other – there was no dry eye in the room at the end of the session. It was so painful to say goodbye.

Emmigrating was a life changing experience for us – leaving the familiar and venturing into the unknown. Leaving behind family and the whole supporting network and coming to something completely new and untried.

We were also leaving behind our warm and loving church where it felt like we were all related to each other. We were just one big happy family! It was painful to bid farewell to friends at Marondera Central SDA Church and we missed them dearly.

Five months after Jabu left, Tim, Nomsa and myself landed at Gatwick Airport. What a joy it was as we were reunited as a family.

We have shared this story in some detail because we wanted to acknowledge and highlight that coming to the UK was not a result of us strategising and planning. We, as a family, believe that it was God providentially leading us – opening doors and closing others. For example, when the opportunity for the HSMP presented itself we went for it, praying at each stage that God would guide us as He saw fit.

Coming to the UK was a very good move for us and we have seen God’s hand in this. Whilst at the time we were not too sure about what the future held, we were at peace with our decision. The move opened so many opportunities for us and our children who grasped them and are flourishing in their respective careers. We have all grown and continue to grow in our own spiritual journeys.

First Impressions of the UK

We arrived at Preston in the early hours of the morning after driving all the way from Gatwick with Wim and the children. Tim and Nomsa were utterly disappointed by the detached house they moved into when they first arrived from Zimbabwe. The house and the garden were too small compared to our house in Zimbabwe. It was so underwhelming for them. You should have seen their faces when we moved again to a terraced house with a tiny garden, if you call it that at all. They soon got used to their new surroundings, but the requests for a bigger garden continued until they flew the nest.

Sugar cane (nzimbe) is under attack!
What a pose!

They arrived in summer, so they got a gradual adjustment for the weather.

We are keenly aware that our experiences may not be the same as others as sometimes things don’t work out as expected. We are also aware that for some moving from Zimbabwe became a matter of sheer survival. Nevertheless, if the reason for moving is vivid enough that will help one endure the journey when the downturns come.

One thing I noticed when I came to the UK was how stressful my job in Zimbabwe was. I was surprised about how well I was now sleeping; when I finished work at the end of the day, that was it until the following morning, unlike being on virtual standby 24/6 (I ensured that the Sabbath (Saturday) was always free). However, we both missed Zimbabwe so much that we tried to maintain contact with friends and family.

Lesson 23: Join a community to help settle

Joining a community helped us settle – for us it was mainly through the church. We found a very warm and friendly church where everyone loves us, and we love everyone. They welcomed and embraced us warmly and we have built fond memories as part of this congregation. We have made great friends. We have now spent more than 16 years at this church – the longest we have spent at any one church. We always thank God for being part of such a church family. Tim and Nomsa were also involved in the various youth activities and plays. We joined the choirs etc.

Outside Preston, we also participated in the Zimbabwean SDA community in the UK, where we continued to meet fellow Zimbabweans, share our stories and encourage each other.

Lesson 24: Allow time for adjustment

Different members of the family will adjust to migration differently. Do your best as a family to support each other. Allow time for adjustment. With time and support, everyone will settle and start to thrive.

Of course there were culture shocks – we hope we will talk about those later! Some of them are funny – as a taster in Zimbabwe in our culture, when you are speaking to someone senior or respectable, you cannot look them in the eye; whereas in the UK if you do not maintain eye contact you are being shifty. In Zimbabwe we tend to address most people on a second name basis, while in the UK it is first name. Nomsa couldn’t believe that the use of a stick by teachers as a dsiciplinary tool was not mandatory – when she realised that, she just thrived in her studies, without any fear. (the last time a stick was ever used on her at school or home was back in Zimbabwe at age 7)

Final Word

As we shared our Great Move story we are reminded of God’s amazing hand moving in our lives. God was and still remains the Greatest Strategist – ensuring that we were at the right place at the right time. This has always given us purpose in our lives – why are we here? We are here in the UK because God has placed us here and there is somewhere we can serve.

We urge you to seriously consider this question. You may want to reflect on it on your own, discuss with your spouse or family, or discuss with your friend. Should you need to reach out to someone, please don’t hesitate to get in touch with us (whether you are a Christian or not) and we hope we can help you in your pursuit to find your purpose.

Thank you once again for reading our blog – please share with others and subscribe. Feel free to leave a comment here. Until next week – take care and remain safe.

Categories
Our Faith Our Relationship Parenting

Tim’s Musings

It’s nice to have you back. We hope you took part in the activity that Nomsa suggested in her guest blog post last week. Thanks for your feedback which confirmed that you enjoyed reading Nomsa’s post. Please share with family and friends.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl), Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles, FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1 , The Wedding Day Part 2 , The Rest of the Wedding Day Honeymoon & Early Days 1, Honeymoon & Early Days 2 , Our Encounter with COVID-19, I’m Pregnant and Parenting – they don’t come with manuals, Parenting – they don’t come with manuals (cont) and Reflections from the youngest. For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

We are happy that this week we have our second guest blogger…

Hi there! It’s Tim here, the son of Jabulani and Wimbayi Mpofu, coming through with a feature on my favourite blog!

When my parents first expressed an interest in starting this blog to share and document their experiences, I thought it was a brilliant idea. Although my parents have never shied away from sharing their experiences with us, I always wondered about some of the detail and thought process behind some of their decisions. Indeed, I had heard many of their stories before (the one about how they met is an all-time classic) but I was especially interested in understanding more about how they navigated their relationship during the dating phase. That’s where the real juicy stuff is at, right?

Growing up, I always thought my parents started their life as adults. It’s only as I got older that I started to appreciate that once upon a time my parents were children, then teenagers, then young adults – you know, a similar growth path to my own. Learning from their experiences is invaluable.

Up to this point, you may be wondering what the theme of my guest blog will be. Well, that makes at least two of us! I have been delaying getting to the point as I really don’t know where to begin; there is so much to write about. And, I am now feeling the pressure – small. In fact, I have been contemplating what to write about for so long that Nomsa has finished the first draft of her feature and it is superb! An incredible reflective piece on the lessons she has learnt from the three of us. How can one top that?!

Although, it has just occurred to me, why my parents’ blog is indeed my favourite blog. It provides me with countless opportunities for reflection. I believe reflection is a fundamental part of personal growth. It enables us to explore and examine different aspects of ourselves which is important in gaining useful insights into our behaviours and thought processes. This helps us to move forward and develop as individuals.

Recently, I have spent a great deal of time reflecting about my career to date. I consider myself fortunate do be working in an industry that I enjoy, one that gives me a sense fulfilment and a feeling of purpose. But fun fact – this hasn’t always been the case. In fact, when I left university, I was insistent on never looking at another accounting or finance book again. Such was my disdain for the subject. So, what changed you may ask? Well, once the dust had settled, I took some time to reflect on my uni experience. This was something Dad (gently) encouraged me to do, as he could see that I was at my lowest point – I didn’t even want to attend my graduation ceremony. (cue picture of me smiling under duress at graduation)

It’s not uncommon to hear people say, “I wish someone had told me about this when I was younger”. Well, so I think I will share a couple of important pieces of advice my parents gave me before I started uni – that I then wilfully ignored, to my own detriment. Even though I ended up having to learn some of these the hard way whilst at university (sometimes experience is the best teacher), I still consider them to be life lessons that can be useful to anyone regardless of what stage they are in life.

“Be disciplined”.

Dad often shares a definition of the word discipline that he learnt from his high school teacher. “Discipline is doing what has to be done, when it has to be done, even if you don’t like doing it”. Sounds exactly like something a teacher would say before they go on to issue you with a disciplinary!

It never ceases to amaze me when I think about how much of a morning person I have now become. During my entire time at uni, I somehow managed to convince myself that it was impossible for anyone to do their best work in the early hours of the morning. I would frequently forgo essential study time in favour of either a lie-in or a late-night FIFA session with my flat mates (sometimes both).

When I think about this period, I realise that this was the only time in my life when I wasn’t a morning person, and unfortunately it showed in my grades. I underestimated the importance of routine. Looking back, I now realise the extent of my parent’s influence on my routine growing up. Several daily activities like prayer every morning and bedtime at a certain time had a positive impact on my day. The freedom vibes at uni had led me to neglect being disciplined in my work, health and my spirituality.

Of course, not everyone can be a morning person, however my personal advice would be to set a routine and be disciplined enough to stick to it.

“Avoid unnecessary distractions”.

Nomsa’s article in the Messenger which was included in a previous blog post is probably the gold standard in how to avoid unnecessary distractions. Unfortunately for me, she only went to uni after I had finished my studies!

My parents have always advised us against chasing temporary gratification whilst sacrificing future happiness. Often this is easier said than done. I have always enjoyed gaming, particularly FIFA. It didn’t take much to persuade me to get involved in a lengthy FIFA session. I remember one instance when I was working on an assignment with my group mates and we were struggling to solve a difficult problem. We resolved that the task was too challenging, and we needed to play some FIFA to release our collective creative energies. You can imagine how well we did in that assignment.

Being disciplined is important in avoiding unnecessary distractions. My personal advice – plan a reward for yourself after you have completed a challenging task. This can be anything that you enjoy doing. I find having something to look forward to really motivating, and fun is more fun when you know the work is out of the way!

Finally, I’ll leave you with a brief note on resilience – which I happened to learn after I had completed my university studies. My parents are quite possibly the most resilient people I know. They have so many stories that demonstrate this, and I am sure they will continue to share them on this blog from time to time. On the topic of university, I am always inspired by Mum’s story. From a young age, she always wanted to obtain a degree but never had the opportunity to do so. As soon as that opportunity was presented to her, and we had grown up enough to be independent, she pursued it and got her nursing degree in her 40s! What tenacity and determination.

Up until university, I hadn’t experienced any major setbacks in life. I had probably had it a bit too easy, which had led me to take many things for granted. But both my parents were there to support me and help me rebuild my good habits. And trust me, they will be the first to tell you that it wasn’t easy, and I can be very headstrong (I once claimed I would rather work at a fast-food restaurant for the rest of my life than work in a non-finance office job).

Bouncing back from any setback can be difficult. And it can also be difficult to maintain discipline and avoid distractions. However, it’s important to acknowledge that none of us are perfect and from time to time we will fall short. Try not to be hard on yourself when this happens and just take a moment of reflection and you will be surprised what you will learn about yourself.

Well, this has been fun! I think I’ll leave it here for now. But before I finish up, I would just like to leave you with my favourite verse that Mum taught me when I was in kindergarten.

I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength.

Phillipians 4:13

Have a good week everyone and catch you next time!

…

Wow! Thanks Tim for sharing your experiences – we as your parents also got an insight into your life at uni! We thank God you learnt your lessons – learning is a life long process – keep learning!

This is not the end; we are happy that Tim has agreed to come back later to share more experiences and lessons learnt to date, as he pursues a flourishing career, winning a number of awards in the process. We are so proud of his achievements to date. Watch this space.

Thanks to our two guest bloggers, Nomsa and Tim. A reminder of our statement when we started this Parenting section:

Parenting is the most challenging and the most rewarding job in the world. It is hard work.

Next week Wim and I are back as we share our experiences of how we prepared and are enjoying our Empty Nest.

Categories
Our Faith Our Relationship Parenting

Reflections from the Youngest

A big welcome to our blog. This is a very special blog post … keep on reading!

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl), Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles, FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1 , The Wedding Day Part 2 , The Rest of the Wedding Day Honeymoon & Early Days 1, Honeymoon & Early Days 2 , Our Encounter with COVID-19, I’m Pregnant and Parenting – they don’t come with manuals, Parenting – they don’t come with manuals (cont). For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

We are excited to have our very first guest blogger. Please read until the end – there is a family challenge from our guest blogger …

Hi there! I’m Nomsa, 😊 the daughter of Jabulani and Wimbayi Mpofu. It goes without saying that I will be referring to them as Mum and Dad for the rest of this blog. I am so honoured to have been invited by them to feature on this blog and I’m super excited to be here.

I took a long time contemplating about what to write. As I was contemplating, I realised how much I have learnt from my family and I would like to share with you just the tip of an iceberg. I’m hoping to show you a little snippet into our lives and also encourage you to reflect on your own family or those closest to you to see what you have learnt/are learning from them. I am sharing this from my personal viewpoint, the viewpoint of the youngest member of the Mpofu family.

The Mpofu’s, also known as the Jabulanis, include Mum, Dad, my brother Tim, and myself. We really enjoy spending time together, and oh my goodness do we love to talk! If you were to stand outside our house on one of our chatty evenings, you may think they were at least 10 people in the house!  This of course can lead to a lot of loudness, but we really do love it!

In the current pandemic, physical time together, of course, has been more difficult to accomplish but we have been having plenty of video chats on WhatsApp. It almost feels like we are physically together. I remember one night we got so carried away and we had so much to share with each other that we started having separate conversations at the same time. Mum and I on one topic and Dad and Tim on a completely different subject. It obviously didn’t work and was very confusing, but it made us giggle how natural this was for us to do.

Today I want to go through what I have learnt from every individual of my bubbly, chatty and loud family. After all God gave us family, not just for companionship but also for character building, helping us to be the best we can be.

What I’ve learnt from Mum

With the energy that we all bring to the household, you can imagine that we often need someone to calm us down. Mum plays this crucial role; she is the peacemaker in our household. She really takes the time to listen and understand each person and their thoughts and actions. When conversations get heated, she can always see the perspective of each person involved and encourages us to understand also. I want to be like her in this way, seeking first to understand before I am understood.

Mum also has taught me the importance of making the time for those things which are important. When I was in primary school, mum sacrificed work opportunities to work around my schedule so she could drop me off at school and pick me up. During this time, we spent a lot of quality time together on our car journeys. She casually, but intentionally shared so much about God’s love for me. We would listen to sermons and songs from some Zimbabwean cassettes. I would happily listen and sing along, and this not only solidified my faith but also helped me maintain some of my culture and language. Mum was the one who taught me to sing and harmonize in those car rides; she would sing soprano and I would carefully follow her along in alto to make a beautiful melody.

We also spent a lot of time together in the kitchen, though I used to begrudgingly go, I really have wonderful memories in the kitchen. Mum and I would chat away as she gradually taught me how create delicious meals. In the kitchen Mum has this amazing ability to teach object lessons through everything. One example that sticks in my head was one Christmas day when she taught me the importance of perseverance in prayer whilst whipping cream for my banoffee pie. No matter how much I whipped my cream it wouldn’t stiffen, just as I was about to give up, I gave it one more try, and it suddenly stiffened. “It’s just like prayer, you shouldn’t give up, you never know when you might get an answer” she said casually.

These are just a handful of the attributes I would like to nurture in myself too as I continue to grow.

Just about to go back to Uni

What I’ve learnt from Dad

“To a child love is spelled t-i-m-e”. Dad loves this quote, and it makes sense because he really lives by it. Dad takes every opportunity to spend time with me and that makes me feel really valued and loved. He affectionately calls me “Sweeto”.

Back in my university days as the new semester was starting, Dad and I would leave Preston at 5am and make the 5/6 hour journey to Brighton. I would always make sure to stay awake because I didn’t want Dad to be driving “alone”. It paid off – these journeys were amazing! We had the best chats about everything and anything. After Dad dropped me off at uni at about 11am by 11:30/12:00 he would be back on the motorway heading back home, another 6-hour drive. Now as a driver, I find it difficult to understand how he physically did this, but sure enough he did. It showed me that he loved my company, he wanted to spend time with me, and would sacrifice sleep and comfort just for me.

Even during the pandemic, we are still making time for father daughter dates. I love Korean dramas and I once asked Dad to watch a series or two with me. Surprisingly, he said yes, and we have now made it a nice habit. Whilst we are in different cities we go online together and hit the play button at the same time with our video calls on, this way we can watch and react together. It’s a lot of fun and great way to spend time together. I love how he took the time to dive into my interests also without any reservations. What a cool Dad eyyy. 

In our household I believe I may very well be the most emotional. It often works out that when I’ve had a tough day and I have a call with Dad it all just comes out. On both my bad and good days Dad is always there to listen. He has really put up with a lot of my sobbing over the years. He doesn’t try to solve anything or give profound advice in that moment; he just listens and lets me offload. After each of these moments I always feel so much better. I really appreciate how open and vulnerable I can be with him.

Mum often says that Dad and I are just way too similar. Because of this there are times when we don’t always agree and struggle to see each others perspective. (Mum comes in handy in these situations as noted above) But my Dad is the humblest person I know. Even when he is clearly in the right, after those hard conversations he still reaches out the hand of reconciliation first. He has taught me the importance of taking time to reflect, evaluating my behaviours, and saying those very difficult words, “I was wrong” and “I am sorry”.

Relaxing after attending church in Trondheim, Norway

What I’ve learnt from Tim

Tim and I are so similar and yet so different! I love talking about Tim because just thinking about him makes me so happy. Even with all our differences we really do get on like a house on fire and I couldn’t ask for a better brother. I am grateful to Mum and Dad because I think they have taught us through their actions how to love each other. I think Tim may just be the most talkative out of all four of us, and that’s saying something. We could have a conversation for 3 hours and it would feel like 10 minutes!

I appreciate how my brother makes time for me; when I need him, he is there. Whether it’s a quick call asking how the phrase an important email, help with revision, or just to chat, he makes the time. I like how, when I need a place to stay in London, whether it’s for an interview, a flight or another appointment, I can just ask Tim to spend a night or two at his studio apartment and he makes it happen.

During a time when I was having some interviews in London, Tim would open his place to me and would help me with last minute preparations whilst effortlessly keeping me calm. This is a big ask because I do tend to worry but my brother knows exactly what to say and do to keep me calm. Even I don’t know how he does but his presence is just so reassuring to me. If there is anyone I know will  always be in my corner cheering me on, celebrating every success as well as lifting me up when it doesn’t go according to plan, it’s my brother.

Tim has taught me how to be generous, not only with my resources but also with my time, skills and love.  I want to be generous just like him.

Another thing that I have learnt about Tim, in the past few years especially, is how much he listens, like really listen. Tim and I are often having our debates and really challenging our thought processes and ideas. At the end of the conversation, I would be convinced Tim made up his mind and was unmoveable on his point, so naturally we would agree to disagree and move on. Then, months or even years down the line, Tim will accurately quote our conversation word for word and state how he has been pondering it and how his thoughts have shifted. It always amazes me. I want to be more like Tim in this way, to constantly be analysing my thoughts and not afraid to change my mind.

After one of my achievements one day, Tim, who is 4 years older than me, made a funny joke in our family group chat and said “When I grow up, I want to be like Nomsa.” Well, that’s ironic because when I “grow up” I want to be like Tim, Dad and Mum.

I am so grateful to God for giving me this family. Family life is not always easy, these are the people who see you at your best and at your worst but are still stuck with you. They know you fully and still love you deeply.

This week’s challenge

I challenge you this week to go through the people in your family or those closest to you and take some time to write down what you have learnt from each of them. Reflect on how God has placed these people in your life and how they have helped you in becoming the person you are today.

…

Wow! Thank you Nomsa for such an inspiring blog post.

Tim is not going to be left out – he has agreed to write next week’s blog post. I bet you wouldn’t want to miss it!

Please share and subscribe to our blog. Thanks for taking time to read.

Categories
Our Faith Our Relationship Parenting

Parenting – they don’t come with manuals (cont)

We are back. Our hearts are aching – the pain is unbearable. I lost my elder sister to Covid-19 – gone so soon; so healthy and so full of life. I am feeling so devastated. Jabu and the children are equally devastated by this massive loss.

We are trying to find comfort and hope in the Word of God. Thank you to all of you who have been praying for us and please continue to pray for us, as we try to come to terms with this loss.

The last enemy to be destroyed is death

1 Corinthians 15:26

God willing, we will share our experiences and pay tribute to this amazing lady in a future blog.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl), Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles, FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1 , The Wedding Day Part 2 , The Rest of the Wedding Day Honeymoon & Early Days 1, Honeymoon & Early Days 2 , Our Encounter with COVID-19, I’m Pregnant and Parenting – they don’t come with manuals. For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

Parenting is the most challenging and the most rewarding job in the world. It is hard work.

In the last blog we looked at parenting young children and teenagers. In this blog we will share our experiences of parenting young adults and parenting adults. As we stated in our last blog, we are no experts in this field but we have decided to share our experiences on our ongoing parenting journey.

Parenting Young Adults

We found parenting young adults to be an emotionally challenging time. As the children were leaving the family home, we were worried and scared on how they would cope. All the restrictions of the home are now gone – how would they fare?

Parenting Uni students was a different ball game. As a parent you feel that your oversight is no longer there. You watch whether the lessons taught in childhood and the teenage years have been successful or not. It is an anxious time, but acceptable part of the growing pains.

Knowing how wild the university lives could be, how would your children cope with the influence and the attractions at uni? You are not sure how enduring the bonds of friendship and trust you have built with your children would hold. Will they still trust our judgement as parents?

The day Tim left for university, we knew that our family was moving into a new and completely different phase. This was the first time that our well bonded group of four would be splitting up. Will he be able cook? Will be able to manage his daily schedule without our support or nudging? Have we done enough to raise him to be able to manage independently?- that same question continued to bother us. Fortunately for us, Tim chose a Uni not far from home, 20mins drive, and we would see him almost every weekend when he came to Preston for church services.

As we dropped Tim off at uni for the first time, we also noted that this was the beginning of our empty nest. It was just a matter of time before Nomsa would leave home for Uni as well. Nomsa chose a Uni as far south as she could go away from home – 5hrs drive on a good day. We always joked that she was nearer to Paris than back home in Preston. However, she made up for her long distance by calling home almost every day for the four years she was at Uni. Nomsa was a good cook and was well domesticated – so we did not have any worries in that area.

On reflection, it seems like this was the time when we started praying more for our children – for their protection, their studies, their friends etc.

In 2017, Nomsa wrote an article for a freind’s blog, on her first year at uni. The article eventually found its way to our church’s monthly magazine for the British Isles The Messenger. This was a special article and we encourage all parents to share with their children as they prepare to go to uni or are already at uni.

Please read Nomsa’s Article

Parenting Adults

We are newbies in this area, but we have gone through the transition. The transition was not easy – we had to remind ourselves that Tim and Nomsa were no longer young children. In the beginning Wim and I would regularly review how we were treating them – just checking whether we were overreaching or not. We tried to ensure that we would now take and treat them as peers – interestingly some of our own work colleagues are the same age as our children, if not younger.

We feel so much blessed that both Tim and Nomsa take us as their sounding boards for some key decisions in their lives. They do consult us, and we freely give our advice. We are aware that our advice is just that, advice – it can be taken or declined, but it would have given us an opportunity to extensively discuss the pros and cons of available options.

Beware of controlling your parental instinct of protection – this may lead to closing the channels of communication and losing out on the front row seat. I recently experienced that, and it took me some time and effort to wrestle back my front row seat.

Unlike during our courtship where our own parents may have been the last ones to know, now as parents we would want to be the first ones to know of relationships our children get involved in. As your adult children get into relationships, it is exciting times. Watch this space for the juicy stuff brewing!

During this phase of our children’s lives, we keep up to date with their professional lives. You genuinely have to be interested and keep yourself abreast of developments in their fields, so that your discussions are fruitful and beneficial to both parties.

Lessons we learnt and are still learning during these final two phases of parenting

Lesson 16: Treat them as Adults

Your children are now adults and treat them as such. Respect their privacy – it is hard as parents, but they deserve it. Don’t pry into their affairs but show interest and be available should you be needed. Be prepared to learn new things from your children as you develop your trusting relationship.

Lesson 17: Be deliberate in getting times for bonding

I remember those long drives I had with Nomsa, either to drop her off at uni or to pick her up for the uni holidays. We spent some quality time during those 5 hour drives.

One thing that we have “accidentally” come up with as a family are the 1 to 1 conversations we manage to create when the children visit home. They take turns to join each of us wherever we are – one will be in the kitchen while the other is in the front room and then they seamlessly change over. One time four of us will be together and then the next time another different pairing is created. I don’t how the children do it, but we love it. By the end of the visit, Wim and I will be comparing notes on what we have heard from each child – these are special moments for us as parents. As expected Wim will be having more details in certain areas than me and vice versa.

Lesson 18: Be interested in your children’s studies and lives.

Studies can be challenging, and it is highly likely that your children will be studying subjects that you are not familiar with. Nonetheless, do your best to understand their area of study at a high level so that your conversations and encouragement may be on point. Actually, your children will be impressed by the effort you make in learning more about their studies.

Be there for them as they face different challenges with difficult housemates, work colleagues or bosses. Try your best to relieve the pressures. I remember one day, from our nightly telephone conversations, we gathered that Nomsa was stressing more than normal – she was on call at work and was also preparing for her impending professional exams. Early the next morning we called to inform her that we were on our way to take her out for a meal during her study break. In two hours time we announced our arrival in the town. Wim and I went for a walk in the park while we awaited our dinner appointment. We saw her just for under two hours, but she appreciated it very much, and we really enjoyed our time together.

Lesson 19: Make the best of birthdays and holidays

In our children’s early childhood, Wim and I unconsciously ensured that we had a birthday party for our children. (Possibly it was to make up for birthday parties we didn’t have in our own childhoods.) As our children grew to be young adults and moved away from home we noticed birthdays would be times when we would meet up. Tim and Nomsa tend to come back home for our birthdays and we would visit them for theirs. These get togethers are always special with Nomsa taking the role of the family’s activities planner, which she is so good at.

We have managed to squeeze a couple of family holidays as the children grew. In Zimbabwe we used to have regular family holidays to various holiday resorts. When we came to the UK we continued with that tradition. In the UK most people do go away on holiday, usually in the summer. A couple of years ago I was blessed to take my family to a holiday around Norway, where I had spent some time studying when the children were young. Verdict from the family was – it was the best family holiday to date.

As parents, we are blessed that Tim and Nomsa get along extremely well and they genuinely love each other. A couple of years ago Tim and Nomsa announced that they will be going on holiday together to Croatia. On their return Big Bro pleasantly surprised little Sis that he would pay all expenses for the holiday. We are very happy for their relationship and we always encourage them to do everything to enhance the relationship.

Lesson 20: Be there for the important and key moments

Wim and I want our life to be about making and sharing memories with loved ones, especially our children. We have made it a point to be at our children’s key moments and we are blessed to say that we have had so many and look forward to some more in future e.g. first day at school, first day at uni, placements, graduations, first day at work, house moves etc. We have been to certain parts of the UK that we would not even think of visiting were it not for Nomsa studying or living there – Brighton, Weston Super Mare, Doncaster, Guildford. Tim was more predictable in this sense – Lancaster, Preston, London. Wim and I enjoyed driving to all these places.

Lesson 21: Support children through failure

Unless you do absolutely nothing, you are bound to meet failure along the way. Failure is an area that Wim and I tried to prepare our children for and we supported them when it came. As parents we fight so hard to help them maintain their confidence as they face failure. Thankfully, academically both didn’t struggle with their studies – however both would agree that there are instances when they could have done better. A couple of examples of failures that our children faced and how they showed their resilience are:-

Tim

After graduating at uni, Tim struggled with the final stages of the graduate scheme interviews. The early stages would go well until the final hurdle. He kept on at it – he never gave up. During this time, he was at a teachable level and wanted to find out how he could get through the final assessment centres.

His breakthrough came when he got close and communicated with a senior manager at a place he was working on a temporary basis. The senior manager took him under his wing and mentored him as he prepared for his next application and interview. In his own words Tim said “This was a game changer. I still apply the principles he shared with me to many different situations in life. ”. The valuable lessons he learnt during this brief mentoring period catapulted him to success and became a launching pad for his professional advancement.

Nomsa

After several driving lessons, Nomsa had a driving test on her last day at uni. By the time we got to Brighton with van to pick her up, she had just failed her driving test. She was disappointed but not distraught. On our way back home she was looking at options to take a re-test. She quickly conceived a plan which she negotiated with us as we drove back – I would teach her to drive, using her mother’s car. The available driving test slot was at centre some 30mins away from Preston, which she booked. After a number of lessons in Preston and at the test centre she passed her driving test. She showed resilience, grit and determination. For the record Nomsa and I didn’t fall out as I took her through the driving lessons – if anything we got even closer together.

Our parenting journey continues…

Next week is a special blog – we have a guest blogger. One of our offspring will write next week’s blog. I bet you don’t want to miss that. Please subscribe and share with others.

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Our Faith Parenting

Parenting – they don’t come with manuals

Welcome back and thank you for joining us on this journey.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl), Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles, FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1 , The Wedding Day Part 2 , The Rest of the Wedding Day Honeymoon & Early Days 1, Honeymoon & Early Days 2 , Our Encounter with COVID-19 and I’m Pregnant. For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

Parenting is the most challenging and the most rewarding job in the world. It is hard work.

We are no experts in this field but we have decided to share our experiences on our ongoing parenting journey. We will break this topic into 4 different parts – Parenting Young Children; Parenting Teenagers; Parenting Young Adults and Parenting Adults.

Parenting Young Children

When Tim was born, as new happy parents, we didn’t have a plan or structure of parenting. I was on maternity leave for 6 months, which I spent with the baby and was bonding time. In our minds, our roles were to provide for the new baby – food, warmth, shelter – the Maslow’s basics. I was using my experiences from looking after my nieces, but we did not have a structure of our own. We had not read a lot on parenting – we were learning on the job.

Then something clicked. I attended a seminar where training of a child was extensively covered. We bought Bible Stories books. At church, I participated in the children’s department as I would take Tim there. When we moved to Chinhoyi, I became the leader of the children’s ministries department. I came across and ordered some children’s materials from the US, which were free to people living in the developing countries and were also freely shipped. This was a game changer. This was such a mine of resources.

By the time Nomsa was born, we had a well-developed parenting structure. As I went through the same material with Nomsa, it was reinforcement time for Tim.

We were very happy and grateful to God as we got our children – an inheritance from the Lord as highlighted by the Psalmist. During our courtship, we had resolved, most times not even verbally, that we will be committed to create a home that will provide a right environment for our children to grow holistically. We ensured that our children would never question our love for them.

Before our children were born, we had family devotions every morning and evening as a couple and this is something that continues to this day. I would sing to the children; teach them memory verses; tell them Bible stories with the visual aids; lessons that encouraged character traits such as honesty, dedication, love, caring, sharing etc.

Since Jabu’s job was now stable, we decided that I would spend as much time as possible with the children, especially in their formative years. I did have a couple of odd jobs here and there. It was great to see how the children were developing. I dedicated myself to be the best mother I could be to my children, by God’s grace.

Then it was time for us to emigrate to the UK. We didn’t come to this decision lightly. We had fears of how we would raise children in this new challenging environment without as much of a support network as we had back in Zimbabwe. How would this decision affect the value system we were trying to build for our children? (We will cover the emigrating issues in detail in a future blog). As with all decisions in our lives, after agonising prayer and fasting, we applied for visas, were successful and managed to relocate to the UK.

Parenting in the UK

Parenting in the UK needed a paradigm shift. We continued with the basics which were foundational. The rights of the child in the UK are more pronounced than in Zimbabwe. We soon realised that we needed to make some adjustments, especially in the area of discipline. Whilst in Zimbabwe, the use of the “stick” for disciplining is prevalent and sometimes abused, we still emphasised the need of disciplining.

Jabu shared with them a saying that his former High School had drilled into his head in the early 1980s at Nemakonde High School, in Chinhoyi –

“Discipline is doing what needs to be done, when it has to be done, even if you don’t like doing it”.

To help our children, especially the younger one Nomsa, we decided that I would work around her and offer her as much support as she settled down in a new school, new church, new everything. I would do the school runs; take her with me shopping; take her to swimming lessons; drive her to piano classes (I can see Nomsa smiling and giggling – yes, piano lessons).

Nomsa and I would listen to Christian music from my favourite cassettes; some sermons from my favourite preachers. This continued for 3 years until Nomsa finished primary school. During this time, I bonded very much with Nomsa. On reflection putting my life/career on hold whilst supporting my daughter was so much worth it.

I don’t know whether Nomsa still remembers these words, at one time whilst discussing about how some teenagers we knew were going through the rebellious and tempestuous phases of their lives, she reassured me “Mum, don’t worry about me – when I become a teenager I will be well behaved and obedient.” This was such a powerful resolution for a young child to say and she stuck to it.

Parenting Teenagers

Tim and Nomsa became teenagers whilst in the UK. This is the phase where the children start “answering back” to their parents. However, Wim and I respected and welcomes our children’s views, but at the end of the day there was no doubt who the parents were. We thank God that our children respected us so much during this important phase of their development.

This, for most parents, is the most challenging phase of their parenting journey. We thank God that both of our children were not rebellious during this phase. They were different, but none rebelled – they still fully respected us and our views as their parents – and sometimes reluctantly accepted them with a bit of sulking – but as we all know it didn’t kill them.

It was also heartening to find out that they made a decision to be Christians during their teenage years – which Wim and I consider to be the most important decision in one’s life – saying YES to Jesus.

From their early years we emphasised on the importance of education and more so during the teenage years as distractions increased. For me, education was my passport out of the deprived neighbourhood of Gadzema Section. Every opportunity we found especially soon after visit my family home, we would remind them on the importance of education. For Wim education is what took her out of the rural Chiduku.

One area we found so important during this time was the influence of friends. Of course, you do not choose friends for your children, but it was important that we freely discuss our feelings about their friends. I know that we were teenagers at one time ourselves, and we used to go “kumagirosa kunotamba” (hanging out with friends by the grocery’s shop). We thought it was important to know where and with whom our children were with at any one time, especially at this critical phase of their lives.

We are reminded about the counsel that come from the word of God

Do not be misled. “Bad company corrupts good character”.

1 Corinthians 13:33

In our experience, during this time the teenage child would think that their friends are the most important people in their lives. We encourage that as parents, if there is anything that you are uncomfortable with about their friends, mention and do not give up. Some months ago, Wim and I were discussing with our Tim and Nomsa about some of their friends during their teenage years, most of these “most important” friends have since fallen out of favour and are no longer close friends.

In the UK the attractions for teenagers are many and they also have a healthy disposable income from their weekly allowances and/or gifts/presents (birthday and Christmas etc). We quickly perceived that whilst the UK provided so many opportunities, it was also a challenging environment to raise up children.

To help create conducive environment for development of our children, I and a couple of other parents with same aged children decided to start a Friday night youth group meeting in our homes – we the fathers were the taxi drivers, picking and dropping other youths up. The young people would enjoy the fellowship and refreshments that were a permanent feature of these meetings.

We agreed the boundaries of what time children are expected to be home and we enforced that. The child would advise what time we would expect them home. In the few cases they missed those times, they would ring to advise of the delay.

We also even enforced the sanctity of the family circle and confidentiality of family discussions. Respect and love for each member of the family was shown through our demonstration as parents. We encourage expression of affection through hugs and cuddles.

Wim and I reminded our children that we are human and can make mistakes. In that case we would sincerely apologise at the next available opportunity. Yes, we did apologise (and still do) to our children. What was unmistaken at all times was our motive in making our decisions – we wanted the best for them.

One massive benefit for us emigrating to the UK was getting to know our children better. 2004 was the first time only the four of us would stay in our house. Back in Zim we used to live with members of our extended families – brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces and a maid to help with childcare. On average there would be seven of us in our house and at a couple of times we peaked to 10. We are thankful to all we lived with as they had a positive impact and influence on our children. They developed such great bonds with our children which are enduring even to this day.

Then when we were in the UK on our own for the first time, I personally felt that I didn’t know my son that well. Yes, he was growing up well in Zim, but we didn’t have a strong bond. The UK changed that. Once in a while, I would give him a lift to school and pick him up. Tim would come and wait outside my office to catch a lift back home rather get on public transport. We would talk and discuss a number of random topics. We would discuss sport, news, life etc. There was no structure to the discussions, but we were talking about a lot of things.

During this teenage phase, Wim and I noticed that we needed to lead by example at all times more than when they were younger – for example where this came out clearly was whether we should we have TVs in the bedrooms. When this question came up for discussion, after deliberating we (the four of us) concluded that this was not a good idea. TV watching should be a family “event” where we choose what to watch but people would be free to watch their own programmes in the living room. This therefore meant that we would not have a TV in our own bedroom. This has continued up to this day – in our empty nest, there is only one TV connected in our house and it is in the living room.

One habit/tradition we developed in our home back in Zim and up to now was that we have our meals together. Sometimes Wim may have those odd shifts, but we always tried to eat together. Normally we took it as a time to catch up with each other’s days. As parents we needed to ensure that our words are guarded as conversations turn to family and even church members at all times.

Lessons we learnt during these first two phases of parenting

(Numbering of lessons continue from previous blogs)

Lesson 10 – Put Your Family First

While this lesson applies to all our family relationships, we feel that it is mainly magnified in parenting. As parents, we needed to make time and be there for our children, especially in the formative years of their lives. The time you have with your children is limited and very soon your window of opportunity will close, and the power of your influence will fade. Our prayer is that as parents, we should all look back and say, “We have done our best for our children”. We should not look back and regret “If only I had spent more time with my son or daughter.” Someone said that children spell LOVE as “T.I.M.E”

Lesson 11: Discipline is key

Discipline is important and we understood that it was our responsibility as parents to instil discipline in our children – not the school’s or church’s. As parents we could not outsource this important part of child development. Remember the old adage from my high school headmaster, Mr Mukonoweshuro – “Discipline is doing what has to be done, when it has to be done, even if you don’t like doing it”. The children may not like it when it is administered but they will thank you for it in the future.

Lesson 12: Don’t show favouritism

As parents there is always temptation to do this. Wim and I have given each other license to raise any slight sign of favouritism and this has helped us a nuber of times.

Tim used to jokingly say “Nomsa seems to be getting away with so many things that I didn’t”. Our response would be “Son, we are also learning, and we are bound to change from how we treated you – however what drove us then and now is we wanted the best for you two.

Several months ago when we met with Nomsa and Tim, prompted by a cheeky card that Nomsa bought for me which said “Dad, You are one of my favourite parents”, we asked them which one is our favourite child.

Both took a long thoughtful pause and Tim was the first one to say, “Looking at it, I don’t think you have any favourite – you love us the same”. Nomsa concurred. Wim and I were thrilled to hear such a ringing endorsement of our parenting in this area so far.

Lesson 13: Help in supporting decision making

Teenage years are some of the key times when a young person makes decisions some of which will impact the direction their lives take. As parents we helped them make those decisions following simple steps like – gathering all the information on the subject, consider what are the pro and cons, what are the short term and long-term implications of the decisions. Is there any redress should the decision prove not to be the best?

We remember, we had a heated but respectful discussion on choosing GSCE’s – Tim wanted PE, as in his mind he was going to be the next Wayne Rooney. Wim and I didn’t think it was a good idea, especially what was driving him, and thought History was a better option. (As teenagers, sometimes they are not aware of how many thousands of other boys fall by the wayside for 1 “Rooney” who comes out). After seeing how strongly he felt for PE, we let Tim register for the subject on condition that he will apply himself fully and come up with an “A”, which he did.

We also having a custom, even so up to date, that before any important decision, we agree a date to fast and pray for God’s guidance. As a family we believe in the power of prayer – it is so sweet to hear either of them say “Family, can we please have a day of prayer and fasting, as I have this decision to make…”

Lesson 14: We are Teachers

In addition to the teaching that we have summarised above, as parents we have always taken interest in our children’s education. I remember Wim helping Nomsa with her German (not that Wim can speak German – but helping with the spellings etc). As Nomsa started Year 10 I offered to help her with Maths which she promptly accepted. We worked together about half an hour a number of evenings a week. She worked so hard and registered for the January exams, wrote and got an A and didn’t have to write the May/June paper. The following year Nomsa said “Dad, you helped me with my GCSE maths very much; I was wondering if you have thought of helping my friends and others”. That is how 2plus2 Maths Tutoring was born. For the next couple of years I helped some willing children with their maths. It was so fulfilling to see all the students pass their maths exams.

Lesson 15: Encouragers-in-Chief

Wim and I are Tim’s and Nomsa’s encouragers-in-chief. Once a decision has been agreed, we encourage them as they follow through. We see that as our children go through some challenging times in their lives, they need to know that their parents are always in their corner – rooting for them to succeed.

Next week we will continue with our experiences in Parenting Young Adults and Parenting Adults. Please share with others and to ensure that you don’t miss future blogs, subscribe.

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Our Faith Parenting

“I’m Pregnant”

Happy New Year to you all. We hope you had a good Christmas. We made the best of the situation and had a lovely “virtual” Christmas on Zoom. We had a chat, watched a movie together and a quiz over the days we were expecting Tim and Nomsa to be home. We all liked it and enjoyed ourselves – if life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl), Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles, FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1 , The Wedding Day Part 2 , The Rest of the Wedding Day Honeymoon & Early Days 1, Honeymoon & Early Days 2 and Our Encounter with COVID-19. For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

Back to where we were before our detour two weeks ago …

Jabu and I had discussed about children during our courtship and we had agreed that should God bless us with children, we would like to have three.

As common in Zimbabwe at the time, we didn’t use birth control for our first child – the idea being that you do not want to tamper with your reproductive health before you give birth to your first child.

When I had the first sign that I was pregnant, I shared the news with Jabu and we were both excited but waited for another month before I went for a pregnancy test. It was positive.

We couldn’t hold ourselves with excitement. We shared the exciting news with a couple of our family members, mainly because we needed advice on the obstetrician/gynaecologist.

Whilst we didn’t have medical aid insurance at the time, we resolved to get the best antenatal (pregnancy) care we could afford. The consultant I got was extremely good and took excellent care of me from that time until the safe delivery of our son.

Baby Naming

Jabu and I had decided that we didn’t want to know the sex of our child until it was born. We wanted it to be a completed surprise. We had prepared two sets of names – one for a boy and the other for a girl.

We named our son Timothy Jabulani (TJ).

Jabu expands on the rational around the naming …

We named our son after my Dad. My Dad was the most caring, loving, selfless man I had ever known. After my mother’s death, he raised us, my three sisters and myself, solely as a single parent. He was totally committed to his young family – he provided for us. From his meagre earnings as a domestic worker, he sacrificed everything for us. He loved us; he encouraged us more through his example than through his words as he was a man of very few words. I never heard my Dad complain about his situation or anything – NEVER. He would just keep his head down and do his best when confronted with challenging circumstances. I felt so much honoured when Wim agreed to name our son after my Dad.

You should have seen the scene when the two Timothys met for the first time. The Senior didn’t say much – he held him in his arms and kissed him. Then he wiped away a tear as he spoke to the baby. That was enough for me. My Dad felt honoured.

The Two Timothys! TS with TJ
Wim continues …

More than four years later we were blessed with a baby girl – Nomsa Praise. This time we knew that a baby girl was on her way and I had the honour of naming her. I looked for a Ndebele name which reflected what I wished our daughter would be (Nomsa means – one with grace or kindness). For the second name it showed my praise to the Lord for giving us such a wonderful gift.

My pregnancies were not easy but we thank God for His blessings. Each time I held the baby in my hands, all the challenges previously faced would just dissolve in the joy and gratitude that the baby brought us. Thankfully we retained the same consultant throughout my pregnancies, who continued with his excellent work in monitoring and intervening when necessary.

Lesson 8: Get the best Antenatal (Maternity) Care you can afford.

This is a lesson that we learnt from our own pregnancies as well as those of family and friends. We thank God that He pointed us in the direction of a consultant who took care of me so well during all my pregnancies. We have had painful experiences with pregnancies. Those who can afford, please financially support your family and friends in places like Zimbabwe and other underprivileged countries, to access best antenatal care possible.

A Side Show

During my first pregnancy, Jabu was balancing a lot of things – he was an expecting dad, doing his final year at uni and his studies were going well. He was also working on his final year dissertation and was facing a challenge with his supervisor in scoping the project.

Most importantly he needed a job as soon as he finishes his studies, to help support and provide for our new family which was about to grow. Our small flat would soon be inadequate for the three of us and possibly a maid as my maternity leave comes to an end. The baby would come with its needs.

The post graduate scheme at the Zimbabwe power utility company was advertised and this is what we had been waiting for. This was the same company that Jabu had done his placement in Chinhoyi the previous year and he had liked his experience there. We prayed about it and Jabu quickly applied and awaited invitation for an interview.

To our relief, Jabu was invited for an interview.

Jabu’s Interview in his own words…

I had prepared as much as I could; consulted a couple of friends and colleagues from my Chinhoyi placement.

As I entered the interview room, which was an office, there were two individuals on the panel – a lady and a gentleman. The lady was the HR manager in charge of the post graduate programme and the gentleman was a senior engineering manager with the company.

The interview went swimmingly well as I answered the questions as well as I could – that is until towards the end. In response to a technical question, the engineering manager followed on with another question, which I believed I batted well; another question followed based on my response which I also tackled – but now I was slowly getting out of my depth. He continued asking until I got to the point when I could not respond as I had tied myself in technical knots. (For the technically inquisitive people – the original question had been a simple question on the difference between a circuit breaker and sectionaliser… The question that finally got me was – Is the size of an electric arc dependent on the power factor?)

“Please bring on the next different question” I prayed silently.

The HR lady then intervened and said, “Let’s move on”.

Then the engineering manager said, “I don’t have any further questions”

What? No opportunity to redeem myself?

“Thank you, Mr Mpofu” the lady concluded. “We have got a number of candidates to interview over the next two days. If you would like to know whether you were successful or not, and you do not wish to wait for the official letter, please call me after 2pm in two days’ time”

A cloud hung over me as I made my way out of the office.

When I went to meet with Wim after work, she was excited and wanted to know how the interview had gone. I told her about how everything went until the last questions. She tried to cheer me up, but I was having none of it. When we got home, Wim prayed for me thanking God for the opportunity to attend the interview and humbly leaving everything in God’s hands.

The following two days were the longest and most anxious that I had ever lived. I couldn’t get my mind off the interview. “So far we have cleared all the hurdles” I thought. “Now this one is proving to be a testing one”

I took the walk to public telephone booth at the end of the road. I called and my heart was literally in my mouth as the receptionist transferred my call.

“Good afternoon, I am phoning to find out the outcome of my recent interview” I stammered

“What is your name?”

“Jabulani Mpofu” I responded

“Please hold on..”

These few moments felt like eternity. I could hear the flipping and shuffling of the papers as she checked.

“You were successful”

“Sorry?”

“You passed the interview. Come to my office next week Thursday at 10am as there are some papers you need to sign before the post graduate training starts. As you know the offer will be on condition that you pass your final year at uni”

“Thank You”

I hung the phone up – my heart was racing. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Should I shout? Should I jump? That cloud that was hanging over me disappeared and was replaced the brightest and most beautiful day. I quickly called Wim at work. I tried to avoid calling her at work unless it was absolutely necessary – and today was one such day.

“I got the job!” I exclaimed as soon as she answered the phone.

Lesson 9: God Provides.

This interview was one of the most important ones in my life. In my mind I had reached my wits end and God had come through for me. The result of this interview sent me on the professional trajectory that brought me to where I am today. There are many times and instances I have seen the hand of God work in our lives but for me this is one of the most important ones and it affirmed my faith in God. Indeed God has provided for our family throughout the years.

Our blog for next week is entitled “Parenting – They Don’t Come with Manuals!” We will share some amazing lessons we have learnt and are still learning on our parenting journey.

Please share this blog with family and friends. Better still subscribe if you don’t want to miss any future posts.

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Our Faith Our Relationship

Our Encounter with COVID-19

It’s good to be back. Last week we decided to take a break – well deserved, we think, especially after all that has happened this year. We also had so much going on.

Thank you for those who reached out to check if everything was ok. This week we have decided to take short detour as we will explain why shortly.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl), Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles, FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1 , The Wedding Day Part 2 , The Rest of the Wedding Day Honeymoon & Early Days 1 and Honeymoon & Early Days 2. For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

If you live in the UK, I think we can safely say that our family is not the only one affected by the announcement made by the Prime Minister on Saturday 19 December, effectively cancelling Christmas for many families.

Tim and Nomsa were planning to come home for Christmas and we were getting excited in the build-up to spending some time together. This was until the hopes of the long awaited get-together were dashed by the announcement, which came as a result of the increasing infections in London and the South East. Since Tim and Nomsa live in these areas affected, they cannot come home for Christmas. It was devastating news.

Whilst this was not the news we expected, Wim and I, and our children, fully understand. Wim and I know that COVID-19 is real as we both were infected during the first wave and thankfully recovered.

Our hearts go out to those people who have lost loved ones due to this dreaded disease. For them this Christmas is going to be a difficult one. Our hearts also go to those who have not fully recovered and are still suffering from what is now called the long covid.

Our encounter with COVID-19 started on Friday 22 May 2020. Wim developed a persistent cough which continued overnight. I immediately self-isolated and moved into Tim’s bedroom (thankfully he was not home during that time) and Wim was confined to our bedroom.

We had discussed and planned of how we would self-isolate should either of us get symptoms. We put our plan into action – it was not easy. Wim booked a COVID-19 test and got a slot for early Saturday morning. We continued with our self-isolation plan. Wim was not to go downstairs at all.

The test results came via a text message on Monday morning and it was positive. By this time the cough had stopped, and things were quiet. We were hoping and praying that she would develop only mild symptoms of the disease. We had family and church here in the UK and back in Zimbabwe praying for full and complete recovery. I had to take annual leave to take care of my beloved wife.

Then things turned for the worst. Wim started feeling pain all over her body; she developed a fever and the temperature was difficult to control with paracetamol and cool damp towels etc.

Family and friends kindly provided some information on natural remedies – garlic, ginger, honey, onion, steaming etc – and we carefully followed this.

The pain continued as we counted down the days.

On Wednesday, I started losing my taste and having a fever. This was scary. How were we to cope, if both of us were to be ill at the same time? On Friday 29 May I booked and went for a COVID-19 test. I was still feeling well enough to cook and take care of Wim.

Mid-afternoon same day, Wim’s condition deteriorated. She started feeling breathless and the pain was increasing. We called NHS111 and after a telephone assessment, they sent in an ambulance. Now things were getting serious.

As the ambulance arrived, I called Tim and Nomsa on a conference call so that they could follow what was happening as well. After an assessment the paramedics decided to take her to hospital. I couldn’t even give her a hug as she walked out of the house. There will be no hospital visits. I tried to encourage her – I don’t feel I did enough though. I was not settled.

As the ambulance drove off and turned left into the main road, I had the worst feeling – a feeling I had never felt before. It felt as if two pieces of very heavy metal had been hung on my shoulders.

Is that it? I wondered. Could this be the last time I see my dear wife – my wife of almost 30 years? Is this how it is ending?

I entered the house and closed the door behind me – I just sat on the stairs and broke down. Tim and Nomsa were still on the conference call. I cried. My children were comforting me. “It’s ok Dad. Everything will be ok – mum will be ok.”

I sent out prayer S.O.S messages to my family, Wim’s family, our church family and friends. I then called my sisters and we cried together. They all tried to encourage and console me, but they ended up crying as well. The experience was heart wrenching.

The paramedics had advised me to allow some 2 hours before calling the hospital to allow enough time for her to be assessed. There I was alone at home, with a pending COVID-19 test result myself.

THE Timeline

17:02hrs – Ambulance takes Wim to the hospital

18:20hrs – Received a text from Wim – she was in the Day Care centre but had not yet been seen by the doctor

18:25hrs – I responded with my text message “Wow! I was waiting to phone the hospital in the next 30mins or so. Thank you for the update. My dear we love you and EVERYONE is praying for you. We have a God who answers prayers. You are a prayer warrior. You will pull through this. I love you and will be continously praying for you until you walk back through the door you left. I will inform children. I love you.”

19:26hrs – Wim’s brief text message – Seen by Dr. I will try to call later. Pain killers given

20:42hrs – Wim called. This is the best call of my life. All tests had been done and they were found to be okay. Dr could not understand why the COVID-19 had hit her so hard as she was healthy with no underlying health conditions. “If you were not healthy and fit, we would be talking of something else. There is no reason why we should keep you here. Is there anyone who can come to pick you up” Dr concluded.

20:47hrs – I sent out a message to everyone I had sent earlier messages saying “There is a God Heaven!” advising them that Wim is coming back home.

21:00hrs – I was outside the hospital waiting for Wim. I was the happiest man in the world!

God has been good to us.

When we got home, we continued with our self-isolation.

Early the following morning a text came through – I was COVID-19 positive. I remembered Wim’s suffering during the past week and thought that if my symptoms were going to be that bad, then we needed help quickly. I sent out another S.O.S message to my church family.

We were amazed by how they responded – they quickly arranged amongst themselves to ensure that we had hot home cooked meals everyday – we had Indian curries, Malawian nsima, Zimbabwean sadza, lasagna etc. What a cuisine that was delivered daily to our doorsteps. The only downside was that I had lost my taste and appetite. Wim was not eating good as well. (We have jokingly suggested to those who prepared the meals, that we will kindly ask them to prepare the same meals when things settle, restrictions eased, and our appetite is back to normal)

Groceries, medication, thermometers, SATs machine, face masks were all kindly donated by friends and church family. Our neighbour helped buy some groceries for us.

Thankfully my infection was mild and not as bad as Wim’s. We thank God both Wim and I fully recovered – I was back to work after a week. Wim needed 4 weeks to fully recuperate before she was back on the frontline as a nurse, helping patients suffering from the same disease.

As we share our story, we are daily reminded that not all stories have ended as good as ours. Our hearts indeed go out to those that have lost loved ones.

We hope and pray that our story reminds us all, amongst other things, of the following:-

  • COVID-19 is real – it has affected and continues to affect many people and families. The sacrifices we have been asked to endure with the latest restrictions are miniscule compared to the loss other families have suffered. Please say a prayer for individuals and families affected.
  • Importance of family, friends and community – when faced with COVID-19, the family feuds and squabbles fade into significance. We were blessed to receive the support from our friends and church family. Please spend time to work on enriching those relationships.
  • Practical matters – for example you need different thermometers ready for each member of a household; have a plan ready on how your household will manage self isolation.
  • Maintain a healthful lifestyle – eat well, exercise regularly, drink plenty of water, get as much sunlight and/or take Vitamin D supplements, take everything in moderation (avoid harmful stuff), breathe well (check out breathing exercises on YouTube), take adequate rest, social and spiritual connection. This will boost your immune system before it faces any attacked from COVID-19 or other diseases.

Wim and I reaffirmed that life was a gift from God and we are very grateful to God. We needed the make the best of every opportunity that God gave us. Interestingly, our close encounter with COVID-19 was the impetus to start this MoreLoveatHome blog – we realised that no time was guaranteed.

This will be a Christmas like none we have all experienced before. We encourage you to reach out to others – especially those who have been adversely affected by this pandemic. We encourage you to share what you have with others – so many people have lost their livelihoods. Be a blessing to someone this Christmas.

A great shout goes out to the doctors, nurses, other hospital staff and all key workers who are daily putting themselves in harm’s way so that they would minister to our medical, health and even physical needs. Thank you all for your love and care.

Please allow Wim and myself to share with you the Hope that we find as we face such trying and difficult times. We do look forward to a New Heaven and New Earth, as promised in the Word of God.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” And the one sitting on the throne said “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.”

Revelation 21:4-5

Weeping may endure for a night; But joy comes in the morning.

Psalm 30:5

Even this shall pass.

You are all in our prayers at this difficult time. Should you want to get in touch and pray with us, please send us a message.

We wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Be safe and take care.

Next blog will be in the New Year.

Categories
Family Finances Our Relationship

Honeymoon & Early Days 2

Thank you very much for all your messages, flowers, gifts and love you shared with us as we celebrated our Pearl Anniversary. With the current COVID-19 restrictions we spent some quality time and enjoyed a takeaway at home.

It was also time for us to reflect on how gracious God has been to us for the past 30 years.

Thank you once again for joining us on this journey.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl), Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles, FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1 , The Wedding Day Part 2 , The Rest of the Wedding Day and Honeymoon & Early Days 1. For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

We finished last week’s blog when we were at Victoria Falls airport…

As we responded to the message on the airport’s intercom, we were met at the information desk by a gentleman who introduced himself. He was a friend of our wedding MC and friend who worked as a hotel manager at one of the hotels in Victoria Falls.

Apparently, our MC had called him and informed him of our planned honeymoon. He offered us a lift to our accommodation and as we drove past his hotel, he invited us to come for a meal on any one of the days during our stay. He also gave us a detailed list of the “must sees” during our one week stay.

We settled in our chalet. The Zambezi River was flowing quietly just some 200 metres away. We walked down towards the river. There was a team of warthogs feeding nearby.

Whilst it was self-catering accommodation, there were staff who came to do the washing up and cleaning of the chalet every day. The place was kept to a high level of cleanliness and we showed our appreciation to the gentleman who was looking after our chalet.

The whole week was loaded with activities – we went on a Safari into the Victoria Falls National Park; unfortunately we did not see a lot of wild animals on the safari. We were at least expecting the big five but saw none, just small game.

We didn’t have long to wait as later that day we got on a sunset cruise on the Zambezi River, and there we saw the elephants and hippos.

We hired some bicycles as our accommodation was not near to the town centre; we attended church on Saturday where we met the hotel manager who happened to attend the same church.

The highlight of course, was the visit to the magnificent Victoria Falls – known to the locals as Mosi-oa-Tunya (The smoke that thunders). The “smoke” is the mist and spray from the world’s largest waterfall and the “thunder” is from the noise of this fall – over 1.6km long sheet of water falling down more than 100 metres.

As David Livingstone wrote in his diary, of the falls when he saw this natural wonder for the first time, “scenes so lovely must have been gazed upon by angels in their flight”.

It was Wim’s first time at the Victoria Falls but it was my second – some years earlier I had come with a group of youths for a Pathfinder Camporee.

Every time you visit the Victoria Falls it feels different and you feel so enchanted. Since our honeymoon we have been back there twice with our children, with most recent occasion being when we returned to visit Zimbabwe from the UK. Different times of the year provide different scenes.

We spent a romantic time together during our stay in our chalet by the Zambezi River, during our honeymoon; eating out some times and also preparing our own homecooked meals.

We took the hotel manager’s offer for a meal on our last day in Victoria Falls. Incidentally we would take the shuttle to the airport from his hotel. What a meal it was – a buffet and the hospitality we received was second to none.

When we landed back in Harare, Babamukuru (Tete’s husband from earlier blogs) came to pick us up from the airport. We were so exhausted from the one week of activity and great fun.

The next day something happened that would teach us another lesson that we have carried to this day. Wim woke up early to do some laundry – it had been almost two weeks since the laundry had been done. There were a lot of clothes – all the best clothes she had; the ones she had worn in the runup to the wedding, the ones she wore in Chinhoyi after our wedding and at the honeymoon.

She put them outside on the washing line to dry. Mid-afternoon when she went to bring the clothes in, they were all gone – all except mine. Just vanished – all hers were gone.

Checking with the neighbours confirmed that none of them had taken her clothes in error. The conclusion was that a thief had come and stolen all of Wim’s clothes from the washing line. She had to start rebuilding her wardrobe.

Lesson 6 – Do not be attached to material things.

Throughout our marriage, we have lost things that were dear to us. In Zimbabwe we had two burglaries; on both occasions we were fast asleep inside the house. At one time the thieves entered our bedroom and took my wallet from my bedside table and stole the money. As a family we felt so much afraid and vulnerable for a number of days if not weeks after the incident. We thanked God for His protection.

The most painful of the burglaries was when the thieves stole amongst other things our wedding VHS video. We managed to get a copy of the video from family members – though the quality was not the same as the original.

In the UK we had one burglary, where we suspected that the thieves stole the second copy of the wedding video – we have looked high and low since the burglary, and cannot find it.

Now we don’t have a copy of our wedding video. The family members who used to have copies now no longer have them after 30 years.

Another incident that tested our attachment to material things occured on 4 September 2013, here in the UK . I had just got back to work after my lunch break, when I got the phone call “Dad our house is on fire!!”. “Nomsa, what happened?” “Come, Daddy, come…”.

By the time I got home, there were three fire engines on our street and there was smoke billowing out of the top of our house roof and other neighbour roofs.

We live in a terraced property and fire started in a neighbour’s roof loft and then spread to our house and other houses. I remember looking at Tim, he didn’t even get time to get his shoes as he left the house running away from the fire – he had only his shorts and socks.

As we looked on, there were our belongings and important documents going up in smoke. It was so painful to look on – it was hurting but none of us shed a tear. Thank God, the firemen managed to contain the fire in the loft and ceiling, which was extensively damaged. None of our belongings were burnt – all the important documents (passports, certificates and other documents were spared). We felt God’s protection of our property.

We had to seek alternative accommodation for 6 months as repairs were being done to our fire damaged house. Thankfully our house insurance covered both these costs. We will talk more about insurances when we cover family finances.

Back to our early days. We had to learn to adjust to our new life. When I was at uni, Wim and I used to see each other almost every day, but just for a couple of hours. Now we were seeing each other all the time, 24/7– in each other’s face all the time.

Actually we liked it and enjoyed spending every minute with each other. There was also need for simple adjustments to be done – even agreeing which side of the bed one would sleep on. After a couple of tries, we settled and thirty years later, we stick to that same side of the bed!

At every opportunity in our early days, I used to accompany Wim to work every morning and also walk her home from work – we just continued with our custom. Even these days, when Wim is working on a weekend or bank holiday, I offer to give her a lift to work and pick her up after her shift, rather than for her to drive.

Whilst it may cost double the normal cost of travel, we feel this is a worthy investment into our marriage as we spend the time talking and laughing; and she gets to work with less stress from driving.

Sometimes when Wim is off work she says, “I am going shopping – can I wait for you to finish work and we can go together?” We have continued to do things together.

As we started our new life, we thanked God that our financial situation had exceeded our expectations due to family and friends’ generous wedding gifts which gave us a great start.

We knew we had to live frugally though as I still had my final year at uni to do. Wim was the main bread winner in our new and young home. We started budgeting – putting into practice all the things we had learned during courtship.

We bought our first basic pieces of furniture – bed, sofas, electric cooking stove and a fridge/freezer. It felt so good to look at all these items and know that they were ours. We had more than enough kitchen utensils from Wim’s kitchen party and also from the wedding presents.

Lesson 7: All our things belong to both of us.

One important thing we put in place early on was that everything belonged to both of us. It was now our flat, our money, our uni maintenance grant, our everything. This has continued up to date.

We do have joint bank accounts and individual bank accounts as well – each of us has access to each other’s individual bank accounts. We know each other’s passwords for everything – email accounts, bank accounts, investment accounts, mobile phone pin numbers etc. Because of this arrangement, it requires that we consult each other before financial decisions are made.

Our personal arrangement requires discipline and trust. For example, it will not work if either of us is engaged in impluse buying or is reckless with money. We have made our own mistakes on buying unnecessary stuff and will share that with you later; but we made these purchases together.

We know that our arrangement may not suit all couples; therefore we suggest that you discuss this preferably, during your courtship – on how to handle your money. During courtship keep your eyes open to notice and frankly discuss each other’s attitude towards money.

If you are already married, we encourage you discuss this and come with an arrangement that works for you. Read about it and come up with a plan for your marriage. Be aware that finances are an area that causes so much conflict and disputes in families.

We welcome your comments and feedback on the lessons we have shared here with you. Please share this blog with family and friends.

In next week’s blog we will start to cover a topic so dear to our hearts – our children! Title of the blog post is “I’m pregnant!”. We bet you do not want to miss this as we share our experiences of how we got to this point and our thought process. We can’t wait!

Categories
Family Finances Our Relationship

Honeymoon & Early Days 1

Welcome back and thank you for joining us on this journey.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl), Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles, FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1 , The Wedding Day Part 2 and The Rest of the Wedding Day For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

In last week’s blog, The Rest of the Wedding Day, we invited people to share their tips on reducing the cost of a wedding. We are happy that we have received some amazing suggestions and we would earnestly recommend that for anyone planning a wedding, you should consult with those who have recently wedded.

We have found them to be very much willing to share their wealth of knowledge and experience. We will summarise the tips received from these couples, our own experience and some research that we have carried out ourselves.

According to a survey of 2,800 couples carried out by Hitched, the average cost of a wedding in 2019 was £31,974. What?!

You may not be able to relate to this figure. The word “average” may skew things a bit and also note that it includes the cost of the honeymoon. We have read of couples who have spent less than £5,000 on their wedding.

The sobering thought is, would you rather borrow and spend a lot on a glamorous wedding and start your new home with a burden of debt OR would you rather have a modest wedding and in the process save enough money for a deposit for your new house.

Now to our top 10 tips. Don’t forget that this is YOUR wedding and we are just providing some tips. It was just intriguing that some tips we used 30 years ago in Zimbabwe are still being used in the 21st century.

Don’t forget that as a couple, wedding preparations are stressful – the earlier you start planning, the better; that way you will not have pressure for time and not make rash decisions which are costly.

Tip 1 – Plan

Agree what you want your wedding to be like. When growing up, you may have had some dreams about your wedding day. Now this is real life – what can you realistically afford within your financial limitations? Agree what are the top three aspects/things that you want to be included and everything else will be negotiable/flexible depending on the costs.

Tip 2 – Wedding Budget

Plan and agree a detailed wedding budget and stick to it. Agree how you are going to fund it. Review and update the budget regularly and make any necessary tweaks as things evolve. The wedding cost is usually split between the couple and their families. We believe that the side of the families who are blessed more can do a little bit heavier lifting. For the couple, the wedding is usually the first main “project” that you will work together on.

Tip 3 – Haggle & Negotiate

Haggle, haggle, haggle; Negotiate, negotiate, negotiate – for everything. Do not accept the first quote on anything. Shop around for everything. Compare quotes. Look out for sales – there are some bargains to be had.

Tip 4 – Wedding Guest List

Agree the number of guests early as it will determine the size of the venue for your wedding. Also agree on whether your wedding will cater for children or not; advise everyone of your stance and stick to it. Invite the near and dear and manage the plus-ones wisely.

The guest list is an area where compromises may be required. You may invite other additional guests for the evening reception, if you are planning one. For ours we didn’t have a guest list as all were invited – this was typical in Zimbabwe at the time.

Tip 5 – Meal

Buffet meal is usually cheaper than sit down wedding breakfast. Providing your own catering may even drastically reduce the overall cost of the wedding meal. Don’t forget to ask dietary requirements in your invitation.

Tip 6 – Do It Yourself (DIY)

DIY as much as you can. Involve family and friends and use their skills where necessary. Accept creative friends’ and family’s offers to help with stuff. Below are some of the areas where offers can be made and accepted; the list is not exhaustive.

Hair and make up – this may be a way skilled friends or family would like to bless you. We suggest that you have a couple of trials with those offering before the day to confirm what you really like on your big day.

MC, DJ – look around your circle for anyone gifted and experienced to be an MC. For entertainment, prepare your own playlist and play it over the venue’s PA system. You may have one cousin/nephew/niece or friend, man the system. At our wedding the MC was our friend, who did not charge for his services. We didn’t need any music playlist as our families and guests sang traditional wedding songs and danced.

Flowers and Décor – From bouquet, centrepieces, lapel pieces, table placements – there could be offers out there. Please check with your local council – some have a floral department, and this is usually cheaper than flower shops. Some couples question the value of party favours – people tend to forget about those as soon as the wedding finishes.

Transport – nicely decorate a friend’s or relatives’s nice car instead of hiring a car. Remember, at our wedding Wim came in an undecorated Mercedes Benz, due to the delays and mix up on the morning – and it worked. She got to church in style!

Photography and Videography – there could be some enthusiastic amateur in your circle of friends or family who could do a good job. To ensure that you have a guaranteed set of goo photos, you may hire a professional photographer for part of the day. Another tip was to ask your guests to upload the photos they take on a website and offer a competition where someone can win “The Best Photo” award!

Check with a local college or Uni or church; they may have a creative audio-visual team who will be willing to take on your wedding as a project. At our wedding, Wim’s best girl’s boyfriend (and now husband) was our official photographer. He freely offered his services and we gadly accepted. We engaged a videographer who attended same church as Wim, and gave a huge discount.

Tip 7 – Dressing

Wedding dress – decide whether you want to buy or hire. It is likely that you will only wear this dress once. You may also buy an end of line dress – it will be brand new but heavily discounted.

Dressing for the bridesmaids/grooms men – avoid exclusive wedding shops and look in the high street shops and even online. Better still, get everyone to buy their own clothes.

Tip 8 – Wedding Cake

Wedding cake – buy supermarket cakes and have someone redecorate/ice them for you. For our wedding the professional cake maker we engaged (who had also prepared our engagement party cake) advised us that to keep the cost down, we purchase the key ingredients; she was just very kind. Other couples suggest using the wedding cake as the dessert and thus reduce the meal cost.

Tip 9 – Technology

Embrace technology – for managing your invitations, RSVP, uploading photos etc. In our days we used to design and purchase invitation cards; then write them; then post them or hand deliver them. We remember the awkward feeling when you are hand delivering to a group of people at church and then you realised that you had missed someone. Don’t forget, our wedding was an open one – we didn’t have a wedding guest list.

Tip 10 – Day of Wedding

Having a wedding on a weekday will massively reduce the costs of almost everything from venue to photography. You may also investigate winter weddings – this will be a challenge with the photos and the rain in the UK. In Zimbabwe, the winter are dry and cold. This is something to consider.

Extras

Another area which has become so important since the pandemic, has been Wedding Insurance. We encourage you to investigate and shop around. Read the small print and ensure that you understand what is covered.

Most of the couples who shared their experiences agree with us that this is just one day – don’t break the bank to cater for this one day. Don’t be bent on showing off – plan to enjoy your special day. Prepare for the real life after the wedding.

Once again thank you very much to all who contributed to these tips.

…

Where were we? Honeymoon and Early Days

We took the airport shuttle to the Harare International Airport. By road, Harare to Victoria Falls takes up to 8 hours but it was a mere 45mins by air.

As we had made plans for our marriage, we discussed where we would go for our honeymoon. At the time, it was not common for newly wedded couples to go on a honeymoon. Just as with our engagement party, we didn’t want to miss out on anything that we would look back on and regret later.

We researched for accommodation at this world famous holiday destination. We found some national parks chalets which were situated along the Zambezi River as it made its way to the majestic Victoria Falls. This accommodation fit well with our modest budget.

For both of us, it was our first time to be on an aeroplane. It was full, mainly with tourists. We didn’t have a long time to enjoy the hospitality onboard the plane, as we were shortly landing at Victoria Falls airport.

We were both excited as we alighted from the plane. Our research had shown that there was a shuttle from the airport to the town centre, from where we would get a taxi to our chalet.

As we entered into the small airport arrivals hall, we heard the following message on the intercom “Mr & Mrs Jabulani Mpofu, can you please make your way to the information desk”. The message was repeated. What? Any problem?

Can we please park it here for today and pick it up from here next week. To be continued…

Since tomorrow is our 30th wedding anniversary (Pearl Anniversary), we thought we would take it easy as you digest the tips on how to cut the cost of a wedding. We solicit your prayers for our marriage on this milestone.

Please share with your friends and family especially those young ones in a relationship or looking to get into one.

Categories
Our Culture Our Faith Our Relationship

The Rest of the Wedding Day

We have just been married. Welcome! We are excited that you have joined us on this journey.

If this is your first visit on our blog, for a bit of the background and the journey so far, we would suggest that you read first blog post, The Meeting, Ndine musikana wangu (I got myself a girl), Dating & Courtship , Meeting the Families , Cultural Hurdles, FAQ & Wedding Preparations, The Wedding Day Part 1 and The Wedding Day Part 2 For introduction of our family and categories of topics to be covered please visit the About Us page.

In the last week’s blog post, The Wedding Day Part 2, we covered the first three lessons we learnt in our marraige, these starting right on our weedding day. Now we continue…

It was time to go for some photos. We drove to Harare Gardens, some 4 miles away. The gardens, situated in the northern part of the city centre, normally had beautiful flowers throughout the year. Wim would walk through park daily on her way to work and took note of the nice spots. The gardens had a number of water features and well manicured lawns that would provide good backgrounds for photographs.

Reception

When we got back to the reception hall, it was already packed inside, and people had started eating. There was an overflow of guests, so others had to eat outside the hall.

We were served as soon as we took our seats on the high table – this was our first meal since very early in the morning. More importantly, it was our first meal as a newly wedded couple.

It was then time for the presents/gifts; Zimbabwean style. This is normally the highlight of a wedding reception. What a sight it was! The two sides were “competing” against each other in accumulating gifts and of course accompanied by dance – The Nyabanis vs The Mpofus. There was a lot of banter as the two families “competed”. Guests joined along in the celebration.

Gifts started flooding in starting with both sets of parents. At most weddings in Zimbabwe most of the gifts are announced. Next were our siblings coming in with their gifts. What a show it was. The generous gifts included two plane tickets to Victoria Falls for our honeymoon. Our respective churches brought their gifts and then the floor was open for everyone else to give their gifts.

Mabelreign Church ladies

The Nyabanis were singing “KwaNyabani kunogaiwa mari, semapepa” (The Nyabani are in charge of machines that print money) and “Nyabani zesa, kwaitamutinhimira wemaoresa” (There is something splendid happening at the Nyabanis)

The Nyabanis
The Mpofus

As the day concluded, it was time to find out who had won the friendly “competition” of accumalating gifts. After tallying, the Nyabanis had slightly beaten the Mpofus to come up tops.

Wim and I were pleasantly surprised at the total amount of money and presents people had given us on our wedding day. It was a show of pure love towards us. The Nyabanis gave generously – their total gifts were several times the roora/lobola I had paid several months earlier.

As the total amount was announced the Mpofus then broke into song “Jabu wedu, shoko, shoko; muchamuona achibuda; arimukati memaruva; Jabu wedu shoko shoko” (Our Jabu is now a rich man, you shall see him walk out among the flowers), followed by “Naye Vimbai uyu, naye kuChinhoyi, kaverevere; vanosara vachichema, isu taenda kuChinhoyi” (We have come to take Wim with us to Chinhoyi – you will remain crying for her while we take her to Chinhoyi)

Lesson 4: Be generous. Family and friends taught us this valuable lesson from the beginning of our relationship, to the wedding day and even until today. By God’s grace, we have done and continue to do our best to extend same generosity to our family, friends and even strangers.

We appreciated all the gifts that we got; we were amazed by people’s generosity and goodwill – some of the people who gave gifts were poor people, but so much rich in love. As Nomsa always says “Sharing is caring”. Reflecting on our lives, we have been beneficiaries of people’s generosity from our separate childhoods. We have committed that our family will be a generous family – we have done our best to impress the same principles on Tim and Nomsa.

Naye kuChinhoyi

Now it was time to take my new wife back home to Chinhoyi. According to our culture, a new wife had to be accompanied to her new husband’s home. Wim’s aunty (Ambuya), her best girl, younger sister, her younger brother and cousin accompanied her on this occasion. Ambuya was the one who had come with Wim when she came to Chinhoyi to meet my family earlier on.

Looking at the size of the travelling party planning to go to Chinhoyi, Wim’s other brother offered to assist with transport which we happily accepted. It was now getting dark so we had to leave quickly as he had to drive back immediately after dropping off the people in Chinhoyi.

We arrived in Chinhoyi late at night, but that did not dampen the spirits. My family, friends and neighbours who proceeded ahead of us were waiting for us. There was ululating and dancing as we got off our cars. Mum and my sisters had made preparations to welcome everyone. Food was quickly served for all guests.

Everyone was happy – absolutely elated. I couldn’t believe how well and smooth the day had turned out. Now I have brought my wife to my home; the home where I was born; where I had lost my mum. It was a very special occasion.

My Dad, as the patriarch of our family, who had became a Christian some four years earlier, prayed for all of us before everyone retired for bed. When praying, he used to talk to God as if he was talking to a friend. He concluded his prayer, with some broken Shona in his Ndebele accent “Handiti kuona munhu anonetsa muroora wangu” (I don’t want to see anyone who harasses my daughter-in-law). What a prayer and a blessing that was. This prayer did mark the welcoming of Wim to be a Mpofu.

As we entered our bedroom for the first time, it was our opportunity to reflect on the day that had just ended. We were both extremely exhausted after a long day – but very, very happy.

Wim’s reflections

“I had just married my best friend and I had the best day of my life. Now I was a Mpofu. It was hard to say good-bye to my Mum and Dad, and my siblings. As I bid farewell to them, I couldn’t hold back my tears; it was truly a bittersweet moment. I was very happy and looked forward to the new phase of our lives – Chinhoyi, here I come”.

We were awoken by a knock on the door very early in the morning. Ambuya wanted to inform me that the traditional cultural chores – sweeping the yard and preparing face bath water for all the Mpofus, had started, as per our culture. (I was not expected to take part as culturally, on this day I was VIP).

The face bath service involved preparing warm water and giving to your husband’s family. It is a token to introduce yourself to them as someone who has come to live alongside them. The family in turn would give money in appreciation of the service which Ambuya and her helpers would take and share amongst themselves.

The face bathing service was also extended to all of Jabu’s mentors and that lady who sponsored his Youth Bible Conference trip, in their own homes.

Ambuya and her team then prepared a meal for the Mpofus; we had brought our own ingredients as per culture. It was a festive environment with people reflecting on the events of the previous day.

After the meal, it was time for Ambuya and her party to return back to Harare.

We had asked one of Jabu’s mentors to oversee the money received on the wedding day. Mid morning on Monday, the mentor came to the house with the money – a lot of money. He must have picked up from our reaction that we didn’t know what to do with it. He offered to take the money to the bank for us, of which we quickly accepted. We asked him to take 10% of the money to church as a tithe, appreciating God’s blessing for our new home.

Later that day Jabu and I left for Harare as we were scheduled to fly out to Victoria Falls for our honeymoon the following day. When we got into our new flat, it felt so nice that this was now our new home. All the wedding presents had been piled on the floor. It was not long before we started opening some of the presents and reading the beautiful messages in the cards.

Lesson 5: Managing the cost of a wedding. Our wedding preparations were quite modest. We didn’t take on any debts to fund our wedding. This was largely due to support of our family and friends. (Thank you once again). As we were preparing for our wedding, we had decided that the purpose of our wedding was not to show off or compete with other previous weddings of our friends and peers.

To those planning a wedding, we advise that you work hard, save up as much as you can and do your best to spend within your means. Don’t forget that the wedding day is just one day, the main part is what comes after the wedding day i.e. the marriage. You don’t want to be stuck in debt for several years after the event.

In Zimbabwe, we think that it may be highly possible to have a debt free wedding. However, in the UK (and other western countries), the cost of a wedding is very high and it may be a challenge to have a debt free wedding. We want to compile a list of helpful tips on how to reduce the cost of a modern day wedding. We would kindly invite you to send us, in confidence, some tips you have found useful, read about or even sharing your own experience. Please use the Contact Us form. We will share these tips as part of next week’s blog.

Jabu and I had talked and read about marriage and relationships but there is nothing that can be compared with the actual experience itself. Now it was time for us to start living the life – the married life. What a better way to start than with a honeymoon. Next week’s blog will cover The Honeymoon and Early Days of Marriage. By the way also next week Wednesday is our 30th Wedding Anniversary! Praise the Lord.